My 90+ mother’s personality changes quickly from sweet to angry and occasionally verbally attacks me and others. She resides in a lovely retirement / assisted living facility where all of her needs are met. She has been spoiled for 30 years and has a sense of entitlement. Often I and others fall short of her expectations and she talks behind our backs and creates unrest among us. I’m dealing with her with compassion but also standing up for myself when she is blaming or shaming. I’m not sure what more I can do other than staying calm, not arguing, being present, spending quality time with her, etc.
If no dementia, then was mom ALWAYS THIS WAY?
When we grow up we choose how much time to spend with our parents. It isn't an obligation. In fact our parents are obligated to US until age of majority. It doesn't swing the other way round just because they are old.
And simply BEING old doesn't confer privileges of rudeness and cruelty. Those actions we choose have consequences.
Rude people should be avoided.
So I would say, you should see your mother when you wish to and by choice. And when her behavior goes South you quickly head in any other direction you choose. You leave. It's a kind of pavlovian conditioning.
Some day something outrageous she says is going to make you get the giggles.
That will be the day you know you're healed.
Some day you are going to repeat something she said to someone and they are going to double over in laughter and then so will you. That will be the day you will know you have forgiven her for her limitations as a mom and as a person, and have accepted that she is who she is and when you popped off the assembly line it was via her. No going back to get another.
I myself hope that there isn't too much childhood trauma you endured. To be honest, adults need to be grownup enough to move out of the way of such folks when they are up to no good. But children cannot or could not.
And if she is making you relive what was ALSO a tough time as a child I hope you will move 1,000 miles from her, send lovely notes, cards and candies, and stop seeing her. Or, hey, PRETEND you moved that far.