Dealing with an executor that has dementia? Has anyone experienced this?

Thanks, Geaton and JoAnn. It has been a saga, that is for sure, lol.

I have had to do quite a bit of internal work. It’s so important to keep the “goal” in mind. Because sometimes people are just crazy🤣

I woke up feeling like I had a cloud over my head because of this. But, I spent some time this morning regrouping and streamlining how I want to handle things going forward. Refocusing was good. At least now, I will be able to make like a steamroller and get the work done:)

I would go to Probate and tell them that you feel the Executor is not competent in carrying out his duties. I wonder if he has even filed the Will? Just because someone has assigned someone to be Executor in their Will, I don't think Probate has to except that. An assigned Executor can turn his responsibility over to a lawyer.

If it has been two years the heirs WILL have a court case, but would need some evidence. If this person is undiagnosed, then it would be difficult to accuse without evidence. The amount of time is good evidence. If notification of beneficiaries wasn't done, that is good evidence.
In short they would need that good Estate Attorney you have. For myself, the trinkets and memory things are not worth the bicker; we will all soon enough be dead and no one will want them. They have only nuisance value to me, but I cannot say I have ever put much sentiment in objects.
If there is only a rickety falling down house it would not be worth it.While the Estate can recover fees IF ONE DOES win in court, if there is not a lot at issue in this estate the heirs would have little net gain for their trouble.
I am more a walk away girl unless there are very large issues.

Update: Without adding detail right now, this is now in the attorney’s hands. A letter was sent from the atty office last month demanding action. NOTHING has been done. It is truly bizarre. So, the Petition to remove as trustee is in the hands of the court. I’ll try to shoot out another update... I can’t believe I posted this in mid-Feb. The last almost 2 months have been exhausting with no forward movement at all.

Yippee. Because the last 10 years haven’t been enough of a PITA, lol.

Another update for anyone who wants to know what legal action to remove a nefarious trustee looks like in real life…

After said trustee hid behind curtains to avoid service by the court. After finding out said trustee basically embezzled about $16k and got the benefit of around $30k in not paying the estate rent on a house he is squatting in. After hearing the behind my back names, etc. he has called me to family members (who luckily have known him longer than I, lol, and are having none of it). After finally getting him to resign as trustee mere days before the court date for him to face fiduciary breach charges. After paying close to $7k so we can actually finish this job that HE was supposed to do and close what is a simple, less than a year estate. After waiting a couple of months for the third party trustee to be assigned (I declined to act as trustee at the front end because I thought a neutral, third party was a better idea and frankly, because I am tired of all of this), they are still dinking around about signing on. In part, because they have to deal with nefarious squatter.

After all of these things, guess what? It is looking more and more like I am going to have to accept as trustee if anything is going to get done in this lifetime. The one thing I didn’t want. My family is just the gift that keeps on giving.

The only thing that makes this semi-ok is that at least it is me and not my overworked, exhausted, taken for granted mom that has to do this. I have no problem going toe to toe with this family member. He made her life so miserable, and I lost her so early from all of the stress.

Sorry if I sound bitter, but today just knocked the wind out of my sails.

Another positive, at least he knows I am not bluffing about taking him to court;)

Thanks so much for the update. We all learn from each other.

A friend of mine told me that after his mom passed (she was single) that it took him 4 years to finish executing what was required (he also was working full time). It is a lot of work for the most capable of people. But, it may help your mental and emotional state to invest in a 1-hr consult with an elder law attorney to see IF anything can and should be done to light a fire under the current executor. Maybe if this person understands that they are now under the microscope and the law may be involved, they'll ramp up their game. I wish you a speedy outcome!

Thanks, Geaton & JoAnn. Geaton, you hit the nail on the head... we are hoping it will light a fire under his butt. I have a feeling we will have to evict him from the house. Good times.

I think in writing this I may be looking more for other’s stories. My DH and I have been trustees/executors on more than our fair share of estates, so we know the legal ins and outs and have an excellent estate attorney. I am meeting with him this week to get an idea of our options and seeing how far we want to go to get that fire lit.

The estate also has an attorney who has kept me in the loop since the beginning because their office has had a hard time getting any action out of him. That attorney and ours will sort it out on a legal level.

As far as time goes, I hear you, JoAnn on the time it takes. We have done this numerous times. My Dh’s parents’ was FAR more complicated and took less time. This estate is not large and if it weren’t for one of the executors dragging his feet, it would have been completed within a year... easily. This is one of those people who is constantly “SO busy” but never actually does anything. Conspiracy theorist, hoarder, hater of females and anyone who isn’t from the mother-land. Sits around on short wave radio ALL DAY and then says how much he has to do. Not ONE thing in the house has been gone through, although he has SO much stress from all of the work he does. But, he is disabled and can’t move and has caregivers come in to cook for him. But, he is so mad that no ones helps him. But, he is the master of all things. So many contradictions.

Not one closet, not one drawer. He has been living in this house rent-free, doing NOTHING. My gfather’s place is deteriorating into a wreck. The toilets have literally not been cleaned since my mother passed away in 2018... vomit. He thinks I should come over and do it... lol, think again, buddy.

I really regret not kicking him in the -ss earlier on in this process. He has trained others in the family to fear his wrath, which doesn’t make this easier.

Basically, we have to encourage him to “resign”. The other executor also sees the futility of the situation and is ready to get some help, so that is a definite step in the right direction.

The very sad thing is that he is alone. No family, no friends. He is a complete pill. But, he wants the niece (me) to take care of him and do his bidding while he sits on a throne and gives (very questionable) instructions and sticking his nose into my brother’s care and pot-stirring with other family members. I have no problems handling it. I just stay away from him. He may talk about me to others, but he will NEVER do so to my face. He knows better.

I know I sound terrible. I am just done with my family. I am SO tired of family care needs. I know that many of you can relate. I know what I have to do. I guess advice isn’t so much what I am here for so much as solidarity, lol.

Sometimes, it is just nice to hear the experience of others and how they may have handled a situation:) It helps to just have vomited this stuff up so I can declutter my head. And to know that I am not the only one whose family has a disproportionately high number of nutters, lol.

499, so as probate is open, I’d suggest that you ask the judges office to schedule an “in chambers meeting” & in person if at all possible. You as a heir have “standing” in what happens as with the disposition of the assets of the estate, so you can request this. & in turn if your assets affect the funding of the SNT for your brother with MS, that $ affects him as a vulnerable adult, so he too might also have standing. In chambers is more casual meeting usually with the in-house staff atty for the judges court. The judge ime won’t sit in on this.... might say hello but not sit in. In chambers is a way to discuss something that is stalling settling probate that poses problems for heirs. Like if Executor is MIA for response to letters from heirs, or used in atty goes MIA. Bigger probate courts have full time staff attys; smaller ones maybe not but there will some way to do an in chambers.
BUT
before this, you discuss with your own estate atty the situation and get them to find you a probate atty that does litigation. Most probate guys do not do litigation. It’s specialized work and those that do tend to maybe share a practice or share staff with litigation oriented divorce atty as they both use forensic accountants in their discovery. The forensics will be able to do a deep dive and find how Senor Squalid Potty has channeled estate $ to his own self dealing, which is a big no-no. Finding stuff like this gets him removed as executor.

Squalid has his own home as well, right? I’ll bet you a case of Prosecco that he’s funding his nasty house from the probate estate. The litigation atty will find it and Squalid will get removed as Executor. If litigation guy is a real pit bull, might file a civil against Squalid for mishandled funds and Squalid has to repay (so he sells his house). Litigation guys go for the kill, it’s why you hire them. Charming killers tho’.

For personal dramarama experience, it was for my first time being executor, was estate for an “Aunt”, multiple marriages, no kids, property across state lines. Everyone assumed loads of $$$ but was illusion. Came as a total surprise to me to be named. She had a nephew that assumed it was to be him. Learned a lot, spent quite a bit of time sitting on bad benches in different courthouses hearing incredibly sad stories & gave me an appreciation of how heavy emotional load on probate judges & staff. Biggest takeaways were to me that you have to keep meticulous records; send everything certified mail with the returned receipt card; be patient as things just can move glacially. And biggest (& scariest) was that it’s pretty easy to have the illusion of having $ as most folks don’t understand how debt works.

So the first question to ask is has ANYTHING been submitted to probate? If not, NO ONE is executor of the will/estate. Even if people are named in the will, until the court reviews the will, they won't be appointed, therefore they have NO power to do anything.

EDIT: I was thinking (ow) about you said 2 years this has been pending. Did a lookup and found this:
"Most states impose a deadline of ten to 90 days after the death, or after you receive notice of the death. The filing of the will starts the probate process."
(source www.alllaw.com)
Clicking on the link, there was more:
"If you don’t file the will, it’s possible that you could face a lawsuit from anyone who suffers losses as a result of your failure to promptly turn the will over to the court. For example, a creditor or someone who is supposed to inherit under the will could be harmed if it’s not filed until the deceased person’s property has already been distributed."

So, if your brother has need, he IS being harmed!

I would be concerned that this clown is draining everything. and hasn't filed anything Work with the other uncle, gently pushing him, suggest using your or any attorney, to do what needs to be done: get uncle #1 bounced. I wouldn't worry about getting any Dx for cognitive issues - he has NOT performed the duties that he was named to do - that should be sufficient argument for uncle #2 to get himself appointed and if the other has been appointed, get him removed by the court.

Even if uncle #2 is reluctant, push him as much as you can to get this ball rolling. The longer it waits, the more problems will occur, house deteriorates more, draining any trust funds or other assets, etc.

Currently our estate isn't even set up yet. I filed online over a month ago, sent in the will and DC, had to get an atty statement (will was done in next state, not the one mom was living in when she passed) and waited... Then came the request for my YB to decline, as we were both named, not co or alternate, just named. Thankfully he signed off. This isn't the "bulk" of mom's legacy - that's in the trust... but finally the "mating ritual" was over for that (another dumb move, name all 3 as trustees!) Just waiting for the largest portion to be moved to our individual accounts. Still more work to get taxes done for 2020 and 2021, but the worst of that is almost over... The estate isn't that big, but needs to be done... I think I mentioned somewhere, perhaps not in this thread - the EC atty who set everything up, first for dad and mom, then for mom, told me to just deposit the checks and don't tell the bank she has passed!!! Ummmm, NO. THAT'S not legal!

He's on my nasty letter list, for after everything is done and the ink is dry. The good news is the list isn't very long...