My father and grandfather (my mother's ex husband and father) have told me for years that my mother is narcissistic. I guess I never thought it through. I knew she was difficult, controlling, and self centered but I never made the narcissistic connection. I have been reading a lot about borderline/narcissistic parents and I was shocked when I could come with an example with my mother for nearly every example that was provided. I feel like so many things make sense to me now. As a child and teenager my mother wanted to CONSTANTLY be talking to me. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. She wanted to be talking to me. If I shifted my gaze (and she noticed) she'd flip out and accuse me of not paying attention to her. She still does to me as an adult! I never knew that was a narcissistic sign. She says she doesn't remember traumatizing things from my childhood that involved her, and the things she does remember (from childhood and adulthood) are my fault somehow. 2 years ago she offered to take me to the doctor when I was sick (she can't drive unless someone is in the car with her) I thought she was being nice, but she really want to run errands for herself. She needed her ID for something and couldnt find it (she loses EVERYTHING) and I said exasperated, "Why can't you just put it in the same place every time?" And she slapped me across the face. It all makes sense now, though. I guess I was looking for others in similar situations... how did you know you were dealing with a borderline/narcissistic parent? And what steps did you take?
I have felt a lot of guilt when I "abandon" her, but she lives with my brother and his family, they are used to her and they also give her a lot of space when she's being a brat. It took me a long time to realize she was toxic to me--not always, but enough that as a grown woman I do not have to simply put up with her. I respect she is my mother and she (sort of) raised me. But I'm not letting her abuse me into my 60's and beyond. She was a thrower and a screamer, not a slapper, so I guess to each her own. The other day, I swore in front of her--she said "I NEVER swore in front of you kids!" and I about laughed my head off. One of my biggest memories of her is the door slamming swearing fits she'd have--and we'd all be cowering in our rooms.
I'm trying to learn to love myself. It's hard. Her voice is in my head telling me how sub standard I am---I feel for you. Can you take time and space and get away from her? Just b/c someone is family, you don't need to be beaten up by them. Don't hinge too many hopes of HER changing--she probably won't. Change you. And love you. What she says about you may hurt, but it doesn't define you. (Good advice I need to take for myself!!)
So, I have been struggling to move past her behavior to help her. It is a day by day thing. I found a friend who has similar issues, so we talk a lot. I found and read this book, "Will I ever be good Enough?" It gave me an A-Ha-Moment, of not being alone. If you need to vent, drop me a private message. Hugs!
In your particular case, you can just about bet that your abusive mom will hit you again, she won't stop and the abuse will only worsen. Don't fall for those so-called good times, they're just part of the cycle and things won't change. Those so-called good times are just part of the cycle to trick you into thinking things have or will change, but they never do. I know, I barely survived 13 years of severe childhood abuse that actually killed my only bio sister. Abusers will kill you in the end before moving onto their next victim. Don't be a statistic, just leave the toxic relationship and don't worry about this person's care. Let them worry about it, it's not your problem or responsibility. If they want to abuse you, they don't need you nor do they even deserve you, you deserve better
It is not an easy time but at least you have realized what is going on and that is the biggest step because now you can protect yourself because you now KNOW! I am constantly fighting with myself to the fact that I am abandoning her and that she is taking all my energy and I have to defend myself to keep from getting down too! LOVE YOU for a while and do something to live for yourself or this life will be spent living for her, that is not why you are here!
Happiness & Joy
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/The-Caregiver-Dysfunctional-Families-149068.htm?cpage=0&cm=655891#655891
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