My mom (90) lives alone so my siblings and I take turns visiting but she still spends long stretches of time living alone. Recently she has become very angry with my oldest sister (who has done the most to take care of mom), accusing her of stealing her stuff and getting her cell phone service she never wanted. (She previously agreed to the phone). It seems the basic problem is forgetfulness but this woman who has been kind and giving all her life is now growing suspicious of her own kids. She suspects us of trying to get her to move out of her house. Yesterday she suggested a PERS (personal emergency response system) which is a great idea for her but today she forgot that she thought is was a good idea and may end up resenting me if I get her one. Can anyone suggest any reading about strategies for communicating with them and putting their minds at ease?
Thanks.
the stealing issue is forgotten or they say someone else came in and moved it.
I have been accused of all types of crimes by my father from grand larceny to
petty theft. I no longer pay attention. The paranoia gets worse and worse. I used to ask my mom why she did certain things - hide the depends, etc. I no longer ask because she doesn't know. She will eat something that she has eaten for 85 years and will say she has never had this food before - I now ask do you like it? Would you eat again? I have learned the very hard way - do not argue. As I have posted before, the people who give the most care will get the most abuse and the most accusations leveled against them. Since they have a lot of time on their hands - they look for things to become upset about. They didn't get served first in the dining room, they had to wait for meds or someone didn't do something exactly right. They worry over little things and make them into really big issues. I, like Pam, wait before jumping though hoops for certain requests - each day has about 10 things that are desperately needed, although they may already have the items there. I go on a scavenger hunt on a regular basis in their apartment so I am not spending hours buying things they don't need or already have. Please have your mom evaluated. It won't make it easier to deal with her, but you will be able to understand that nothing you are doing is causing your mom's forgetfulness or paranoia. It will also help you understand that there is nothing you can do to fix it.
Paranoia is extremely common in some forms of dementia. Because they are worried about having things stolen, they hide them. Then they forget that they hid them and that "confirms" to them that someone is stealing things.
It is very unlikely that your mother can continue on her own indefinitely if she as dementia of any kind. It would be worthwhile finding out what she has sooner rather than later, for planning purposes. Getting a doctor involved also opens the possibility of drugs to treat symptoms.
Another suggestion, have her doctor check her for an urinary tract infection as those can cause an elder to become angry and suspicious.
If it's just purely memory loss, you could tape a conversation with her on a smart phone (or tape recorder) or have her sign a document that she agrees with X/Y/Z and hold it to show to her. Or better keep it in her place, so she doesn't think you've taken it and altered it.
But I really think there is more than just memory loss going on and things will probably get much worse - and she will get to where she shouldn't be living alone.
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