My mom is almost 85 and in good health. As she gets older she has become more and more fearful of death. The anxiety is just about destroying her life. She becomes so anxious that she will not eat, begins vomiting, can't sleep, and even suffers physical pain and discomfort like stomach aches and soreness. I try to help her to be at peace. She has had a good long life with many adventures and many great grandchildren. I have told her we will find a way to be at peace together so she can enjoy her remaining time, weather 10 years or 10 months. How can I help her? She loves to read. I was hoping maybe there's some kind of story that addresses the issue without being an outright self-help book.
Something that I just remembered is that part of what terrifies people isn't the fear of the unknown or the process of dying. It's the terror of realizing that they might be "erased" from existence to the point where there are no traces of themselves left in the future, to where it will be as though they had never lived at all. You can imagine how this can cause people to fall into a deep existential crisis. "I lived my life building an identity, making connections, etc., but what is the point if every trace of my personality and everyone I know is dead in 100 years, with nothing to remember us by?"
This terror is why throughout human history, people tried to achieve immortality through art, music, literature, family heirlooms, time capsules, monuments and even military conquests. It's an age old, ancient fear.
I think people in this day and age are more susceptible to existential despair because we're living in such a disposable society that nobody is encouraged to produce mementos, artifacts or legacies. Nobody is printing photographs anymore or creating memories for each other. It's all online and in the cloud.
Maybe OP's mother is living this fear of erasure. Something that could help is maybe having her create and pass on a family heirloom, no matter how quaint or old-fashioned this may seem to her.
Storytelling is another way that people get over this fear. There's a reason why old people tend to tell stories about the past. It's to ensure immortality. Their children will pass stories onto their grandchildren and so on and so forth. To prompt mom, maybe ask mom about her past and such. Maybe on a subconscious level, it'll finally click and she'll realize, "Hey, if I tell my children and great grandchildren stories, I won't disappear after all. I'll live on as a memory."
My 90 y o husband with dementia has a scenario he repeats:
"Russians come through the door. I get the first one; the second one gets me."
We have no weapons & he is voluntarily housebound. He was in Navy aboard a ship & never saw enemy action.
How much do you charge? --Bridget
If her questions and anxiety are about physical issues, direct her concerns to her doctor. A referral to palliative care may be in order. Palliative care seeks to provide comfort so people can enjoy the amount of life they have without trying to extend life.
If her concerns are spiritual in nature, then she may benefit from a visit by a faith leader of her preference. My husband was Buddhist and did not find answers to afterlife in this spiritual tradition. Being Christian, we have found more peace in the promises of Jesus Christ. He talks about life after death - a lot - and gives good, clear information. However, your mother will need to decide which spiritual pathway(s) she wants to investigate to alleviate her spiritual anxiety. Contact spiritual/faith leaders in your area for more information.
If you consider yourself open minded and have never given God a chance to speak with you, now is the time.
The pellets dont have a taste or smell, they are the size of like those little silver balls they used to decorate cookies with? sorry, cant think of anything else for example. Anyway, usually you just upend the dispenser which looks like a chapstick, twist the top and pull the cap off and whatever pellets are in the cap that is your dose. you put them right in your mouth from the cap and tuck into your cheek until they dissolve. if she doesnt seem better after about 20 min you can give her another dose. you can take 3 doses and if it doesnt change anything then it is not the right remedy for her. its that simple. If she thinks that is weird you can put 2 pellets in an eyedropper bottle with purified spring water and wait until they dissolve, shake the bottle a couple times and just squirt a eyedropper full into her mouth.
I would ask you to look up "homeopathic remedies, how to take "or "the science behind homeopath remedies" before you listen to a ton of people discount it. I wish I knew the article I read to direct you to it but you can always google homeopath remedies and fear of dying too. I used this recently with family that was dying and it did seem to ease things for them. It was the fear of the unknown that caused the anxiousness and also maybe the fear of dying alone so I definately reassured that was not going to happen, I would be there the whole time. And I hope it was okay, it seemed okay, as okay as you can make it.
But your mom seems okay right now, not like a prognosis of 3 to 6 months or something and the anxiety seems over the top so I would think there is something deeper, maybe some trauma or memory related to dying that she cant quit thinking about. I would gently ask what is she so scared of. Good luck and God bless
Pain
The transition of dying (due to) the unknowns
Google: https://www.livingdying.org
In part, it says: Many of us experience roadblocks and detours on the healing path. When we allow ourselves to directly and gently face these difficulties rather than push them away or to get lost in them, we can step beyond our conditioning and move toward realization of our inherent wholeness.
The Living/Dying Project works with people both locally in the Bay Area and internationally who wish to explore conscious living, compassionate caregiving, and conscious dying. We serve two main functions.
First, if you are facing a life-threatening illness, caring for someone who is, or are committed to spiritual transformation, we provide conscious and compassionate support through counseling, workshops, and ongoing groups. Together we dive into a deep investigation of our relationship with death and how it informs the way we live.
Second, the Living/Dying Project is committed to educating people from all backgrounds to be able to provide spiritual support for their loved ones or clients who are facing a life-threatening illness. We provide ongoing training and support for you and your practice. Although this work may seem daunting, we are living in a critical time where conscious compassion is fiercely needed. We believe all are capable of this heart opening practice.
This is an excellent organization to support you, to support your mom. Health care professions / MDs would benefit from learning about this organization.
Gena / Touch Matters
I agree with someone that medication should be considered if you've tried everything else. But even before that, get vitamin D levels checked because severe vitamin deficiencies definitely contribute to depression.
I'm also wondering is if there's anything that might be triggering her anxiety. Friends, family members and neighbors in her age bracket dying out will certainly be a trigger, as well as celebrity deaths. Maybe show her videos of spry octogenarians who are older than her and have a sense of humor about being in their 80s and 90s, as well as are still physically and mentally fit, people like Dick Van Dyke (who has a YouTube channel) and Rita Moreno.
Or maybe do the opposite. Show her videos of young people half her age who bravely documented their struggles with terminal illness. It might give her a fresh new perspective. The elderly who freak out when they reach a certain age do they because they literally start to see these milestones as exactly equivalent to being diagnosed with terminal cancer and only having six months to live. So, they send themselves into a panic-stricken tailspin, thinking, "OMG. Any day now! Oh, I woke up today? That just means I dodged the bullet." But hitting a milestone is not terminal cancer. Yes, they may have another 5, 10 years left but it's not being 26 and literally being told in July, "You won't be alive this Christmas," and then not even making it to then.
As for the talk of religion, the people saying that don't seem to be aware of the scope of this problem. Death anxiety is so bad that religion is the first thing that goes out the window. It's like when a person who has everything in the world is so clinically depressed that not even the most loving family member will help. If the person is far gone, it will not help in the least.
Besides, I know this sounds crazy, but as romantic as "heaven" sounds, it's not comforting at all. True story: when I was a kid, I started crying hysterically one day when I came home from school after I had been taught about heaven. Even though the description was so beautiful and inviting (angels, white clouds, etc.), heaven scared the crap out of me because it meant leaving my friends, family and unfamiliar surroundings for a strange place with strange people.
All bringing up the afterlife, God and everything else does is remind the person that death is near. People who have death anxiety don't even want to broach the topic of their impending demise, even in an, "You'll be with God soon," or, "It'll be all haloes and harps." They need to somehow be made to make the most of the time they have left and be ready to let go (but in a positive sense of letting go, not in the embittered, "life sucks and then you die" sense).
I suggest you read this book together:
To Heaven and Back: A Doctor's Extraordinary Account of Her Death, Heaven, Angels, and Life Again: A True Story
by Mary C. Neal (Author)
4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars
In 1999 in the Los Rios region of southern Chile, orthopedic surgeon, devoted wife, and loving mother Dr. Mary Neal drowned in a kayak accident. While cascading down a waterfall, her kayak became pinned at the bottom and she was immediately and completely submerged. Despite the rescue efforts of her companions, Mary was underwater for too long, and as a result, died.
To Heaven and Back is Mary’s remarkable story of her life’s spiritual journey and what happened as she moved from life to death to eternal life, and back again. Detailing her feelings and surroundings in heaven, her communication with angels, and her deep sense of sadness when she realized it wasn’t her time, Mary shares the captivating experience of her modern-day miracle.
Mary’s life has been forever changed by her newfound understanding of her purpose on earth, her awareness of God, her closer relationship with Jesus, and her personal spiritual journey suddenly enhanced by a first-hand experience in heaven. To Heaven and Back will reacquaint you with the hope, wonder, and promise of heaven, while enriching you own faith and walk with God.
https://a.co/d/dn7I0Ec
Once you begin to take the fear out of death, then you begin to truly live and enjoy your lives. This is one of several books I highly recommend to get you started on the path of realizing that life is eternal.
Best of luck to you.
However, I wonder if there is something that she has always wanted to do, or if there is something that she in needing to accomplish before she dies.
Find out what it is, and make sure that she does it!
Actually, that's wrong. There are many books on ways TO die.
But seems Mom is looking for ways to LIVE. Forever. That won't happen.
If you are telling us that your mom's physically ill when worrying about a fear of death, then know that this isn't normal.
I am 82. I was an RN. I have utterly no fear of death. But I DO fear losses and DO fear a slow descent that robs me one at a time of everything I am. And I think THAT is more the fear for elders, or more OFTEN the fear. It is more of debility and helplessness than of death. But mom may need some "talk therapy" to comb out her exact fear, and to deal with it best she can. We are at heart very primitive animals, and we fear the unknown.
I would start with MD visit with Mom (hoping you are the POA so you can attend or that she will allow for your attendance). I would express to MD exactly what is happening mentally and physically. I would ask for referral for neuro-psych test. Then to a psychologist if mom doesn't wish to try a mild anti-depressant first.
Do know that ultimately, whether or not she has these bouts of severe anxiety, she will not REMAIN in them forever; as someone who twice has weathered a bit of cancer, I can tell you we just cannot stay afraid all the time. We have bouts of fear. We move on. That's life.
Again. We all know on some level that we will die. It is fairly unimaginable on the face of it. Mark Twain said that he had utterly no fear of death because he had been, for many years before he was born, dead, and it had done him no appreciable harm.
We go to bed every night and we kind of pray to go--but to SLEEP. Which is-- sorry-- kind of the same as a mini-death. We in fact often say of a good sleep "Wow, I was dead to the world".
So, it's important to get mom professional help here. There is little you, I, or her friends can do to assuage her current "reactions". Bouts of severe anxiety often manifest as a "fear of" (death? falling? serial killers?).
As an 82 year old I assure you that we DO think more often about our demise--and about what may lead up to it. So partially what she's doing is "normal". The violent physical and emotional reactions is NOT "normal", so off you go to professional help. I wish you luck and I hope you'll update us.
There are medications as well that help folks with anxiety.
And you say in your response below that she is concerned more about those she'll be leaving behind, so then it's up to you all to reassure her that you will all be ok when she does leave this world for the next.
I had to say those exact words..."I'm going to be ok" to my late husband when he was on his death bed, even though I knew deep down that he already knew that as he knew everything I'd already been through with him over the years. But I said them to reassure him that it was ok for him to go be with Jesus and not to hang on for me.
And since your mom loves to read there are a lot of good books about death and dying(too many to list, but you can "Google" them)that may bring her some peace about it all.
But for now I would start with talking to her doctor about perhaps some anti-anxiety medications to see if that might help.
God bless you both.
So I would keep the conversation about death light, and when mom is upset, say something small to acknowledge her feelings but don't say a lot.
Like say, it really sucks we are all getting older, and I worry about it also, but it is life. We never know from one day to the next , what tomorrow will bring and shrug your shoulders a little, and walk away.
Try not to let your feelings and worry show to mom.
This is hard, for many.
Help her prepare. I think being prepared takes some of that anxiety away.
Ask her what she wants.
If she refuses to talk about it and this upsets her this much then talk to her doctor and medication to help with the anxiety might help.
Talking to a therapist might help if she is willing.
Do you know if anything happened to her at any time that makes her so fearful?
Yes, we all fear the unknown but it should not be so debilitating that it effects you daily.
Just a side thought talk to her about how thankful you are for everything that she has done for you and the rest of the family. The fact that she raised you well she has prepared you to be ok when she is no longer there to help. Maybe if she knows that everyone will be ok will take some of the anxiety away.
I get a sence my mom's issue with excepting that she will not always be here is that she lives in an old neighborhood. She is 89 and many of her neighbors are in there 90s. A 100 year old neighbor died last year. I honestly think they are all trying to hold out, waiting to see who is next.
And the whole thing of " what will the neighbors think" if mom has to go into an AL. Worrying about the neighbors has controlled moms whole life.
My uncle died recently at 90 and mom was shocked when I said , well 90 is a great life. She actually thinks 90 is young. I don't see mom ever giving up and admitting that she is not 50 anymore.
I new someone else, smoked non stop since she was 13 , she got lung cancer at 70 and passed. I felt so bad for the family, because they were actually shocked she had cancer, and the mom was so scared. I did understand how you can be so shocked and scared and not more accepting of dieing, after the amount of smoking she did everyday. I just felt like her not accepting it was a bit selfish to do to her family.
Not really an answer to your question, but the subject is very interesting, I think about it from time to time.
My dad is the same about age and dying. Every age is "so young". A neighbor passed and he said "he must have had some wrong with him, you don't just die" I get what he was trying to say but I just about burst out laughing.
But as for regrets. We all have them. I guess as you get on in years there are more of them and less time to resolve them. What we leave behind for our loved ones is out of our control. I guess she knows this. But you are so right. Anxiety isn't rational. It eats away.
Is she otherwise healthy? Could she go on a low dose anti anxiety drug?
Cause those who believe in an afterlife can take comfort in that at least. If she is an atheist then yes, I could see why she would be fearful.
Is it death itself she is anxious about or the possible pain etc. that may happen as she approaches death?
As far as stories that address the issue. Well, there's the Bible. If it's stories about the actual death process. I'm sure others could recommend books for that.
Again, sorry if talk of God and the Bible offends. But as a Christian I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention it.