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To me there is nothing worse than the loss of a beloved pet and I don't think another pet with her condition and age would make much sense. Sympathize with her and say the dog is visiting a friend who is playing with it and walking it for a "vacation" break. She won't stop asking or remembering what is happening. Do get her a stuffed toy - that often helps. Heaven help those people who have to deal with people who have dementia - I don't know how they do it - I would go insane and join the demented person.
so I am guessing that your mom had a pet that died and now you want to know how to handle her grief and questions?? not much to go on, but I would explain that her pet went to be in Heaven (don't worry about the little lies) and that someday she will see him again. If she doesn't have that belief, just say the dog got sick and had to be taken to a vet. don't worry about saying it died because if she has dementia she might forget it died and then ask again and again so don't keep saying it died......just say it had to go to vet for a checkup and will pick up later. wishing you luck
First time commenting here, but a friend recently helped her elderly parent who had lost her beloved dog. She wanted to adopt a shelter pet. It soon came to their attention that being elderly and living alone was enough for most shelters to decline the adoption, for the safety of both the owner and the pet. She eventually privately found a sweet little doggie, but it's something to be aware of. If a new pet isn't an option, I agree that seniors of all ages get a kick out of plush toys, from just a teddy bear with flowers during a hospital visit, to one of the new lifelike stuffed dog or cat that will bark, purr, all kinds of things. For grandparent types, the toys can be handy as a conversation piece when the grandkids are visiting! But, as others have said, it depends on the situation. I am sorry for the loss of her pet.
If the pet dies, do not get another one for her. Dogs are a trip hazard, and sometimes they can push down an elderly person. Will the dog have a home after your mom dies? That's another issue.
Test out getting another dog for her just to see if her mind would accept another pet or if she shows no interest at all. If it is a specific breed, call a rescue in your area to see if they can bring one over to see how it goes. I would suggest asking them to bring an older dog that would be a little less active. You never know, she might take right up with the new pet and stop asking about the one that passed on. You'll only lose a couple of hours giving it a trial run.
Ask also if they have options to foster the animal, rather than adopt it. Of course if OP misses having the pet too, adoption might help them both!
Many places will also allow foster to adopt, that way you can gauge whether it is accepted or not.
May be best to check on the pets in the shelter first. Find out history, health, temperament, etc before introducing any to mom. The last thing you'd need is a hyper-active critter bouncing around like Tigger!
This is always a tough one for anyone. I still miss those who have moved on. Many. The more recent ones are harder, as often you might expect them here or there, specific places they might have liked to hang out. The latest for me has been hard - she was with me over 21.5 years. The last 6 were in a different house and she was generally always on the chair next to me here, when on the PC.
For those with dementia, it is even harder, because they often can't remember or refuse to accept it when told the animal has passed (same issue with a LO, even if they passed long ago.) Often we suggest saying they are elsewhere, doing whatever it was they liked doing. For people, that might be shopping, working, fishing, yardwork, gardening, etc. For pets, playing, hunting, sleeping, etc. Using some activity that maybe would bring back an old memory, something silly or sweet the pet did, to try to bring out a smile.
Surrogates might also work. Unclear if this loss is a dog or a cat, but they make some really lifelike ones, robotic or not, that often can substitute for the missing pet. My OB bought a "Joy For All" robotic cat for our mother. She was still in her own place then, with early dementia. She was quite aware it wasn't real, but was still fascinated by it. This video shows how some can benefit from the cat:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zLrlDCa2LY
They don't show all that the cat can do, but it sometimes can be a comfort, especially the purring. Real purring is known to have a calming effect on many people, so this might help some with dementia. Up until the last time we "played" with it, she still knew it wasn't real, but was still amused by it. There are several "options" (silver/gray, ginger and tuxedo.) It appears they now also have a kitten and some pups, though I have not seen them in action other than videos online.
If they can't really handle the bigger robotic pets, a plush one might be enough. One resident in mom's place had a small plush pup she brought everywhere, swaddled in a blanket. She would put bits of food down for it, held it over the toilet (yup, and it would tinkle too, so she thought!)
It's worth a try - it might be best to start with a less expensive plush. If they reject that, you can always pass it on to a young child. You can try to upgrade to the robotic one, if you feel they need and can handle the robotic pet.
A much loved pet is worth the grieving. Allow her to grieve, please. When I lost my last elder dog (three in two years) I knew I would foster in future, pet sit, but would not get another animal. The grief was acute for me. A Buddhist friend helped me by telling me to think good thoughts and memories of her to help her on her journey from me. An atheist, I wanted all the "rainbow bridge" stories I could get. After the initial sadness I would occ. in months to come be just blindsided by grief, surprised by it. I guess no other fur person there to take the edge off. Help her make a scrapbook and celebrate the memories, and let her cry. Let her tears wash out some of the pain. Consider letting friends bring over fur people to help her mourn. And the questions may go on for some time. The love of our pets is so unconditional, so comforting in any time of problems. I understand her pain and send her my sympathy. I don't know how severe her dementia is, but consider a soft and floppy doll that looks a little like her pet; tell her that you understand it is no real comfort, but just something to hug.
If the Question is about the dog thst died, stop telling her the dog died because that just makes her re live it and she won't remember and will ask again.
Give her an older lap dog to help her. It will be beneficial to both.
Just put a doggie door in so she doesn't have to let the dog in and out to go to the bathroom.
You could even make it easy for feeding and watering too by buying auto pet food and water dishes where they only have to be refilled once or twice a week
If that's not possiblepossible, give her a lifelike fake dog to hold and pet.
I would also start with a stuffed animal that is the cutest and softest you can find. Ask her to give it a name & snuggle with it. It’s not replacement, but a new pet to love and give attention to.
Pet loss is the worst. I know folks who lose a pet and move right along. I am not one of those people. I had to put down my handsome Lucas Howler 2 years ago and I can't say his name without crying ….still. He would get up with me every morning for pets while I made coffee and lay next to me while I read a book. I miss that companionship. He is not the first pet I've lost and he won't be the last. It just takes time. Unfortunately, a mind with dementia is different and they aren't going to process things the same. Your mom will eventually forget to ask about her fur baby just like she will forget many other things as she progresses. Just tell her what will make her smile... oh, he is at the groomers, oh, he is at daycare playing with other little dogs, etc...eventually she won't ask and eventually you won't have to respond.
You are not "lying" to her, you are telling her what she can mentally handle and process. That is called being compassionate. You didn't mention the stage your mom is in, but maybe as a previous poster mentioned, handing her a stuffed animal that looks similar to hold onto "just until her pet gets back from the groomer" might satisfy that need.
If she grieves for the pet then forgets the pet passed away, you could say that the pet is at doggy/kitty daycare.... Tell her what fun the pet has at daycare. (Pet heaven is a form of daycare, so it's not too big a lie.)
lquinn, when one of my elderly cats, "Charlie" had passed on, a co-worker said to me "imagine if you had never met Charlie". What she said made me think and I found my grief disappeared, and I started to have wonderful memories of him and all the crazy stuff he use to do :)
FF, that little statement always makes me smile. I remember the first time you posted that statement and I thought about all my crazy little fur babies and it brings a smile to my face. How lucky I am to have known Spooky, Tigger, Bumper, Nina, Poe, Midnight(Peanut), Scooter, Socks, Sam, Moses, Shadow, Birdie and who ever else may come along!❤🐈🦛
The questions never stop when dementia is involved, unfortunately. Perhaps getting another pet would help? Or a stuffed animal that resembles the pet you lost in the meantime may provide comfort, depending how advanced your loved ones dementia is. A baby doll is another recommendation to help provide comfort. Swaddling a baby helps give a loved one renewed purpose and also provides distraction....a big key to help with dementia. Even men have been known to enjoy holding a baby doll.
So sorry for your loss and the compounded grief of having incessant questions to answer.
Sorry for your loss. Pets do so much for our well being, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even physically. They really become part of our family and they ask so little from us and yet, give us so much. I don't know what I would do without my little fur babies.
The best way to handle it is by being honest. Up-front and direct with compassion.
Handle it honestly. How lucky we are to have the love of our pets, the most unconditional love. And how we grieve at their loss. A Buddhist friend told me "Think wonderful loving thoughts of all you shared, and of the joy, to help her on her journey from you, and to what is ahead". I am an atheist, but I found it so very comforting. Perhaps think of a photo album. There is nothing wrong with grieving. Tears help to wash out the pain.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Many places will also allow foster to adopt, that way you can gauge whether it is accepted or not.
May be best to check on the pets in the shelter first. Find out history, health, temperament, etc before introducing any to mom. The last thing you'd need is a hyper-active critter bouncing around like Tigger!
For those with dementia, it is even harder, because they often can't remember or refuse to accept it when told the animal has passed (same issue with a LO, even if they passed long ago.) Often we suggest saying they are elsewhere, doing whatever it was they liked doing. For people, that might be shopping, working, fishing, yardwork, gardening, etc. For pets, playing, hunting, sleeping, etc. Using some activity that maybe would bring back an old memory, something silly or sweet the pet did, to try to bring out a smile.
Surrogates might also work. Unclear if this loss is a dog or a cat, but they make some really lifelike ones, robotic or not, that often can substitute for the missing pet. My OB bought a "Joy For All" robotic cat for our mother. She was still in her own place then, with early dementia. She was quite aware it wasn't real, but was still fascinated by it. This video shows how some can benefit from the cat:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zLrlDCa2LY
They don't show all that the cat can do, but it sometimes can be a comfort, especially the purring. Real purring is known to have a calming effect on many people, so this might help some with dementia. Up until the last time we "played" with it, she still knew it wasn't real, but was still amused by it. There are several "options" (silver/gray, ginger and tuxedo.) It appears they now also have a kitten and some pups, though I have not seen them in action other than videos online.
If they can't really handle the bigger robotic pets, a plush one might be enough. One resident in mom's place had a small plush pup she brought everywhere, swaddled in a blanket. She would put bits of food down for it, held it over the toilet (yup, and it would tinkle too, so she thought!)
It's worth a try - it might be best to start with a less expensive plush. If they reject that, you can always pass it on to a young child. You can try to upgrade to the robotic one, if you feel they need and can handle the robotic pet.
Help her make a scrapbook and celebrate the memories, and let her cry. Let her tears wash out some of the pain. Consider letting friends bring over fur people to help her mourn.
And the questions may go on for some time.
The love of our pets is so unconditional, so comforting in any time of problems. I understand her pain and send her my sympathy. I don't know how severe her dementia is, but consider a soft and floppy doll that looks a little like her pet; tell her that you understand it is no real comfort, but just something to hug.
Give her an older lap dog to help her. It will be beneficial to both.
Just put a doggie door in so she doesn't have to let the dog in and out to go to the bathroom.
You could even make it easy for feeding and watering too by buying auto pet food and water dishes where they only have to be refilled once or twice a week
If that's not possiblepossible, give her a lifelike fake dog to hold and pet.
You are not "lying" to her, you are telling her what she can mentally handle and process. That is called being compassionate. You didn't mention the stage your mom is in, but maybe as a previous poster mentioned, handing her a stuffed animal that looks similar to hold onto "just until her pet gets back from the groomer" might satisfy that need.
Take care.
So sorry for your loss and the compounded grief of having incessant questions to answer.
The best way to handle it is by being honest. Up-front and direct with compassion.
Hugs!!!
I'm sorry for your loss. It's so hard losing a loving and loyal and devoted companion.
There is additional supports at this forum specifically for loss of a pet,
https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/forum/17-loss-of-a-pet/