Decision time, comments appreciated.
My younger foster son may become adoption eligible because of his mother's neglect and continuing problems with CPS (multiple custodial interferences, assaulting a police officer, and attempting to bring contraband into the local jail). Although it is unlikely the mother would ever regain custody, at some future time the CPS unification goal will come into play and require at least supervised visits. FS has been doing better since the supervised visits with his mom were discontinued, although he takes her calls from the jail about half the time.
If I were to adopt, the mother would lose all rights to visitation; regardless I would still allow phone calls and supervised visitation IF her son wants it. If I adopt, then I would be in my mid-70s when he starts college.
Knowing how some of you feel about the presence of elders in your home impacting the quality of life in childhood, what do you think? Should I adopt and basicall become a grandmother raising a kid or should I maintain the foster care relationship and plan on supporting the older brother gaining custody when he's older.
Before the foster sons, my plan was to move into an AL like condo when I was 65-68 or so (younger grand-nephew's daily visits should be less by then). My asthma, spinal stenosis, arthritis, and high blood pressure meds are slowly creeping up on my stamina and flexibility; I find some stadium steps challenging enough I no longer sit where I once did or take them at all without a handrail. I'm so stiff some mornings I use a cane or walker for balance on my first trip across the house, although I'm fine after "loosening up" a bit.
I do not have any reservations about my desire or ability to take care of his basic needs but wonder if essentially terminating his legal links to his mother will do more damage than good as I age.
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What do your grandsons think about it?
Will you be solely responsible for foster son’s upbringing? Or can he count on other relatives? If you have serious health issues (and I hope you won’t ) before he reaches independence, will there be help?
I suppose I can flip the question by asking what potential benefits or dangers there may be by having him legally tied to a very bad person.
I hope that this boy is getting therapy. Since he seems to be doing better without his Mom in his life, he needs to know that any feelings he has concerning her are OK. People like his Mom bring down their children, they make them think the child owes the parent something. Its not always good that these children see their parents. My daughters friend has custody of her niece. The mother is a drug addict. When she shows up there is always a scene and the niece ends up in tears and not understanding why her Mom can't take her. Is that fair to a child because a parent wants to see her?
You already have extensive physical issues. Raising a child will add more stress and strain to you and could possibly cause your health to go downhill faster than it already is. Then you'll be one of the women on here asking for advice because you are unable to do it all and have nowhere to turn.
Keep your plans and dreams of moving into a condo. Self-sacrifice in this instance isn't necessary. The kid has other options besides you.
Also you don't know what his character will be like when he is a teenager close to college age. It's not an easy age to manage especially when you're not in tip-top health. He'll be able to pull the wool over your eyes for his own purposes, and you won't know what he's up to. He surely will not like living with an old woman with health issues that he might need to tend to. He doesn't deserve to have his childhood taken away from him with that kind of responsibility.
You must be a very kind person, but there are too many red flags here.
I know there are some financial implications to adoption vs fostering, so I would consider these along with what your two boys want.
I know that whatever you do, you will do your homework and look at ALL the facts and it will be the best decision for everyone involved.
If they want you to adopt, I would do it, none of us know what tomorrow holds but, we know the love you are giving these two is a priceless gift that will serve them well for their lives.
You may feel like a grandma raising kids but, everything you have shared tells me you have a true mother's heart and that is what every child needs in their life.
You're it.
You be the Mom, and Grand Mom, Foster Mom, and Adoptive Mom for as long as you are able. You can sit in a wheelchair at ground level if need be.
Learn ways to not overdo things.
You've got this, that is my opinion.
You can always get the children a "big brother" to go to their games with, if you are not able. You can get assistance with childcare needs as needed.
Pre-assigning the brother to become guardian of his little brother is taking away a lot of options for a young man becoming an adult. As a last resort, maybe. But he won't be able to take his little brother to college with him.
Have the boys been seeing a counselor or therapist? They are going to need all the skills they can develop to deal with their mother for the rest of her life. For their sake, I hope you adopt the younger one to keep him out of her “legal” reach until he grows up if adoption is what it takes.
As a disabled senior, perhaps you have a DPOA in mind?
Let’s say for conversation sake, that person is your Nephew. Have you discussed this with him? I know you don’t require his permission to make your own decisions but this could potentially affect his life as well.
I see you TN surrounded by a lot of protective men and probably great, great nephews wanting to sleep over before you call it a day.
I don't mean to suggest you should place any responsibility for the decision on them, but it would be good for you and them to hear their perspective.
What is the age difference between the boys?
Having the older boy become a guardian at 18 or 21 doesn't seem like a wise thing.
Could you make living in an apartment with him work? Something all on one level?
I have enough resources to support my life for a while. I have been paying a grand-nephew to do "heavy" housework for almost 3 years now while I can take care of the routine myself; also the older FS keeps their room and bath clean and reasonably neat. My nephew has childcare POAs for the FSs and access to my daily bank account to provide supervision and care if I suffer an illness. This plan worked well during a recent surgery.l
The risk of not adopting is subjecting the younger FS to a CPS unification plan 4-6 years down the road when he's 12-15. He is doing better without visitations and his counselor states he feels more in control - he doesn't have to take mom's calls but he's free to do so. The "permanent" custody decision from the court made a big difference for the older son, knowing he never has to go back to his stepmother and he can "stay" here.
I could manage living in the 2Br 2 Ba condo with the younger son but that would be unfair to him when he is younger. The development is close to the mall, city high school and shopping/recreation areas so if he was driving it might be okay but there wouldn't be any of his friends living around. FS and younger grand-nephew spend a lot of time together.
There's some risk to me but I'm willing to accept those risks. If I adopt, it's going to be both boys, not just one. I have planned to leave resources for the FSs' education (college or trade school) whether I adopt or not. I did the same for my nephews years ago when I was paying their college expenses. I live a financially conservative life and am currently able to save about 1/2 of my disability and pension income, not counting the boys' support from the state which I save about 1/2 of it in a separate account to pay for a vehicle and help with eventual education expenses.
I have not spoken to the boys about the possibility yet. I do not want to put pressure on them or create an expectation and then have some hitch come up; I guess I don't really trust the CPS system. I'm leaning toward adoption but I want to hear the negatives you guys might raise as part of my consideration. The biggest unknown for me is whether my health will hold up. Although I have a lot of support now, I do not want to bank on it; my supporters have lives of their own to live. I don't know about the younger FS being able to sneak around on me as I age because I'm catching stuff with the grand-nephews their parents are missing but I do understand I may miss stuff as energy levels drop. I doubt he could take much advantage because I will still be living beside my nephew (assuming he's still around). At this point, the older grand-nephews are planning to stay in this area too.
The FSs are 9 and 15; will be entering 3rd and 10th grades this fall. They both have counseling and I listen to most of the counselors recommends. Younger FS sent his mother a card for mother's day with my encouragement.
I think this is the worst thing that could happen to a 12 to 15 year old that has been through the ringer because of deadbeat parents and a crummy system. He could very well be lost because of the trauma of being united at such a rough age.
They are blessed to have you! Mom.
Another point in favour is the support you have from other young men in your family. To me this is a big plus. You have a "team" and the FSs are part of that team and they all care for and support one another.
Of course, life is a crap shoot and you could become physically and /or mentally disabled tomorrow by a stroke or whatever. Any of us could. Should that drive your decision?
I suspect the act of adoption and the knowing that you care enough to take that route in itself would be a huge benefit to those boys who have been so neglected and unwanted in their previous short lives.
I've made an appointment with my attorney to start the adoption process. I still have some concerns but I cannot stomach the thought of younger FS ever feeling threatened by his mother again. The biggests "threats" as I see it is my spinal stenosis and high blood pressure which could put me into a wheel chair or in the worst case result in my death. If I adopt then my wishes and arrangements rule the day without any input from bio relatives. My own mother developed spinal stenosis when she was a very young woman and my entire childhood was impacted by her limitations yet when I look back I see all the things she did FOR me; the things she didn't do don't count for much. I can only hope the FSs will have a similar view of their time with me when they are grown.
Thank you everyone for your advice, even the "don't do it" folks. Your opinions gave me things to consider and to plan around and watch for in the future.
Sounds like you have all ur ducks in a row. You have thought long and hard about this. These boys are very lucky. God has his hand in this.
Wishing you and your boys smooth sailing through all the paperwork.
These boys are very lucky.
What a beautiful gift you have already given these two.
Well Done!!! You awesome lady you!!!
Wow! If this is what you feel is right for you and the boys - go for it!! It has to feel really right for you especially.
I am only a mentor to a now teen in a care facility, where the state had him up for adoption for 1 week, before the Mother got back into the picture (AGAIN!!!). Long story short, no adoption and in my mind he is much worse than he would have been out of the care facility and breaking ties as he wished with both his Mother and Grandmother.
My boy's a bit different from what you describe regarding your boys, but I still wonder what it would have been like, if he was with me and not kept in the system. But this is a big step, so think carefully if this truly works for you. And if it works for you, then it will work for the boys too!
Good Luck and blessing to you all! May you all prosper on the adoption path you have chosen for your family!
I usually didn't find oversight to be much of a problem but I am happy not to need to follow some of the guidelines. First one is I can allow the boys to stay with someone who hasn't been investigated and cleared by CPS. When my grand-nephew was the first boy to qualify for the state track meet from his small middle school and he had to be there the day before the meet to register, FS couldn't travel with GN and the coach. Not a big deal but I think it highlights the "difference" in his circumstances. Now I can get his learner's permit and start teaching firearm safety and target shooting. I already have the target air rifle picked out for Christmas! And a used dual cab short bed truck next spring! The doctor has cleared both boys for football this fall so we will have busy weekends with the high school games on Friday night and the elementary games on Saturdays. I am so looking forward to being busy!
I can not tell you how very proud I am of and for you all.
I know this is a blessing beyond measure for all 3 of you.
God be with you each and every moment.
Happy dance!!!
You sound more excited in your follow up comment below than in your post/question.
Congratulations, Mom!!
I am so happy for you and both boys!
This is an outstanding outcome and will change all your lives for the better, both now and in the future!
Good on you, dear lady!