My mom died years ago from cancer on hospice. My dad is now on hospice for a slow growing cancer. I had to put my entire life on hold and stop school (I was getting my degree) to take care of him because nobody else will. My older siblings dont want to help they just want to keep living normally and not have to stop doing what they are doing. It's so difficult seeing my friends, peers and family move on with their lives while mine has been completely put on hold. It's making me depressed what's worse is I can never get out because there is nobody to help so it's 24/7 care forever. I don't know how I am going to come out of this not resentful and bitter toward my entire family amd everyone. Does anybody have any advice for me? I also feel guilty and selfish for feeling this way.
If your dad wasn't on hospice I'd be trying to help you figure out a way
to live your life but that sounds moot here, unless the s is long term Hospice?
Some people are on hospice for a week before they pass, some 6 or more months, I'm not sure which one you are.
As far as guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your grieving, it's not guilt, you did nothing wrong. Your parents are doing what nature does, they are aging and dieing, and you are going above and beyond.
As far as selfish? Your anything but selfies, but you do need much more self care. There is nothing wrong with thanking care of yourself.
As far as resentments, I really think when this is over your going to need some therapy. No one can go through all this without some kind of help. And you are in serious burnout. Completely understandable,
This changes you, and long term caregiving gives you PTSD.
Everything your feeling is normal. Please ear and get some sleep , there are hospice hospitals, have you looked into that?
Thinking of you, 😞, you will get lots more replies helping you out. I can't think of anything else to say right now.
If not please do not abandon your schooling. Can you do classes on line? Or take 1 for now then another later?
With Hospice you can request a Volunteer that could come in 1 time a week to stay with your dad so you can get out and do things you want to do. Usually the Volunteer can stay no longer than 3 to 4 hours. And they can do no "Hands on care".
If dad is a Veteran the VA may have programs that might provide a little help or a LOT depending on where and when he served. And you might be able to get paid for caring for him. If he is a Veteran contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission or your States Department of Veterans Affairs.
first you have nothing to feel guilty about, the feelings you are having are normal and if you did not feel "guilty", angry, resentful you would not be human.
As to the bitterness that is for you to decide if you are going to let that fester in you. It does not effect your family members, you are the one getting eaten up by those feelings.
You can not change them and the actions and reactions they have. What you can change is your expectations.
I have said to others that people say they want to help but in many cases they do not know what to do. So if that is the case here give a sibling a task. Say, "Mary, dad wants to get his hair cut could you take him to the barber on Thursday afternoon, I have a doctor's appointment so I can't take him. Could you pick him up about 11:00 and I should be back home by 2 so maybe take him to lunch as well." There is a specific task to do, a set time so "Mary" knows that is will not be an all day matter that might be easier in your siblings mind that they can do this.
A lot of people do not want to see their loved one decline and if your siblings don't see dad often they might not be comfortable seeing him decline. It makes it "real".
How old is your Dad? If his cancer is slow growing, are there other reasons he is on hospice?
Does your Dad have means to pay for a companion aid or LPN to be with him so you can go live your life? I have 3 sons. I wouldn't want any of them to orbit around me while I was sick but didn't need them 24/7. Please think of your feelings as grief, not guilt. Guilt is for people who do wrong: illegal, immoral, unethical. You've done nothing of the such. Having uninvolved siblings is a pretty common problem in caregiving. Enough to make me thankful (for the first time in my life) that I am an only child. Adults get to make choices, and you cannot force anyone into caregiving. You will need to practice refashioning your anger and bitterness into useful energy so that it doesn't continue to grind you down emotionally. It's an intentional effort (and not easy).
Are you your Dad's PoA? If so, I'd be using his assets to pay for care relief. If your siblings don't like it then this is the time you tell them to come do it themselves. If you're not his FPoA then I would still have this conversation with that person.
May you receive peace in your heart as you work through this difficult time.
That is exactly what you should have done and now you're regretting that you didn't.
And you are not only grieving the loss of your mom, the slow loss of your dad but also the loss of your life as you once knew it, so of course you are depressed.
But only you can decide to make the necessary changes to improve your situation which may include having hospice help you find the appropriate facility to place your dad in where you can get back to just being loving child and advocate, and where you can get back to your schooling and your life.
I know being a parent myself that neither your mom or your dad would ever want you giving up on your dreams and putting your life on hold for them, yet for some reason you chose to. Only you know the real reason you did that, and it wasn't because no one else would step up, as both your parents would have figured things out for themselves. But for some reason you felt obligated, and now you need to ask yourself why you felt that it had to be you who stepped up.
And why would your siblings step up to help when they see you willingly doing it all yourself? They must believe that you have it all under control.
So if you need help...ask for it. If you need a break...ask for one. If you want your life back...then make the changes to take it back. You do have the power, so use it.
I am sorry you took this on. Deferring education to do this caring is not a good decision for you. You say that this is a slow going cancer. I have twice had cancer, last bout starting just about a year ago. Am up and about and active and happy. This may go on for a decade or it may NOT. Can't know. But what I do know is a child or grandchild deferring their own life to throw themselves on my burning funeral pyre is not a good choice for them. Sadly, your family has made the right choice.
Do understand that many people DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. What do you suppose they do? As an ex RN I can tell you what they do. They avail themselves of the medical system they are a member of, of programs out there, of governmental assistence when required, and they get on with life. While they have fund, and when and if needed, they hire in care. When there is no longer any access to funding they go into care on Medicaid and have the help of hospice for their final exit.
You have chosen to put your own life on hold. I doubt you will get a lot of praise for that. Your siblings will be worried you might "get more" in the end they await. They will feel guilty for not helping. They will actively dislike you and avoid your neediness. And Dad's. Dad himself will see you not as his best loved and most helpful but as a caregiver. Which means you suggest too much, dictate too much, hound him over medications and eating and sleeping and everything else. We have one grandchild currently unhappy on Forum about the heating temperature in the home, so you will see that you will not be the favored one. They as the "prodigal sons" may be.
So I would now sit dad down and let him know that you are going to need to get back to working that degree. And discuss with him and a good social worker what are next steps for his care. You can hopefull be there nearby. And while currently you are enabling the others to be absent, they MAY step forth a bit.
As to guilt? Where does THAT come from. Guilt requires CAUSATION. Exactly how did you create a cancer in your father? Makes no sense. What you are feeling is grief. Grief that Dad is ill. Grief that you have human limitations and aren't a Saint (bad job description, anyway). Grief is appropriate. Guilt is not. And words matter.
I wish you the best. You have chosen to do this. I think it was the wrong choice, rather would have been for ME. I think no parent would want their child to make this choice. Or SHOULD not want them to.
You have decisions to make. You may choose to do this one more year, and tell Dad that will have to be it, then he will need to find care. Or you may speak to him now. Or never. All your own choice. It is important to NOT feel like a victim. It is important to take control of your own life for your own life. Your parents have had their lives. You have a right to yours.