Hi I need help!! My father in law lives on the same property as myself and husband. They run a business together so his dad pays his salary. His dad has one of the highest depressions you get but he is treating us like dogs, he has no respect for us. He eats at our house every night I cook for him I do everything for him and he still treats me and my husband like sh**. His dad does not want us to get our own place to stay to start a family otherwise we are leaving him alone on the property. He said to my husband if we get our own place he is going to cut his salary. He thinks the world owes him something all the time. He is never happy, he hates it when people are laughing or are happy. My husband is at such point where he is so depressed because of his dad. We want to try for a baby now but his dad just comes into our house when he wants to, it got so bad that I had to put sticks in the locks so that he can’t come in. his dad was a drunk on your wedding and he told me in front of everyone in church that I’m taking his f**** son away from him. Nothing pleases him he never thanks me for anything because he expects it from me to do everything for him. And my husband is trying to run the business but his dad is always giving him sh**. The thing is I want to open my mouth and say what I want to say to him but my husband is scared he will do something to himself then everyone is going to blame us. I don’t even have a say in what to do in our garden. I just don’t know what to do anymore and it’s always the some things he is moaning about, he has no one he is alone. He has no friends his only daughter left because he is so demanding. We can’t go on holiday because then we are leaving him. He has so much to be happy about but nothing satisfy him. You always the wrong one he is always right and he is the Boss. i have said to my husband that his father has done so much wrong that i don't see him as a dad he has to earn it PLEASE any advise?
Again, none of my business, but you came here looking for advice. Here it is...If you don't have a job, get one. Whatever your husband does for his father's business, encourage him to find a job doing it somewhere else or for himself alone. You can't change your father-in-law. If you're waiting for him to some day wake up and realize he's a narcissistic monster, you're going to wait forever. Once you and your husband can independently support yourselves, you can set whatever boundaries you decide you need.
Your husband sounds like the product of a childhood filled with manipulation. He's afraid if he stands up to his father, that his father will "do something to himself" If he had had a healthy childhood, his response to that threat would have been to schedule his dad for an appointment with a psychiatrist or the family doctor.
Find a way for your husband and you to get some counseling from someone who can help you both get some objectivity about the situation you're living with.
If your "husband" won't go to therapy with you, go alone and find out why you are willing to settle for this untenable situation.
Why is your husband allowing this kind of treatment of his wife? Why is he taking it himself?
When you answer those questions you'll have some clues about what to do next.
Is the motivation here mostly financial? Running a business is awesome experience. Could your husband find other employment at a comparable salary? Perhaps with the idea of someday owning and running his own business? Dad can't threaten to cut his salary if Dad isn't his boss. If the fear that is keeping you under Dad's thumb is financial, I'd re-think that very hard. A healthy young couple should be able to support themselves without Daddy in the picture. It sounds like the present situation is miserable and unhealthy. Is the financial advantage really worth living like this?
Or is it Dad's health that is the big scare factor? You can't leave him and stand up for yourselves because he is depressed and he might kill himself? Nobody wants that to happen, I am sure. I have been in relationships twice in my life where someone has threatened suicide to try to hold on to me. OMG -- that is the pits! I can sympathize with you thoroughly. But Dad's mental health is not your responsibility. Depression can be treated -- not by a DIL but by professionals who specialize in treating this disease. It would be a kindness if you could encourage Dad to get treatment. Consider writing to his doctor and list the symptoms. The doc may not be able to discuss it with you, but can still read your description. As your alternate arrangements start coming together, perhaps you should talk to APS. Explain that Dad is depressed, that you will be leaving the property, and you are worried about him.
Emotional blackmail with the implied or literal threat of suicide is cruel. Of course you do not want to "cause" Dad to harm or kill himself. But keep firmly in mind that your are not and cannot be responsible for his mental health.
Because this is a long-standing problem and a very tough one, you and your husband should consider some counseling to help you deal with it. Not that there is something "wrong" with you that needs to be fixed, just that you deserve all the support you can get right now.
Why are you putting up with this intolerable situation? When you figure that out, I'll bet you'll have some clues about what to do to change things.
I hesitate to advise you, not yet getting to know you fully. However, it appears you are in the age group to start a family.
My advise is to never co-mingle a job, with housing. Then to add to the mix a Fil who is that abusive and dysfunctional is an untenable situation.
It appears to me that husband is not receiving enough salary to provide for you and a new family. Any 'discount' on rent or free housing is just not worth it. Sounds a lot like you are being blackmailed by a narcissist, and husband is not providing for you, nor protecting you. Where was husband when you had to put sticks in the locks? Is this for real?
Take the income, get a job if you must. ( you are no longer working for Fil-did you ever agree to this anyway?), and get an apartment a.s.a.p. Husband can come home to you on the weekends? Pretend you are just starting out as newlyweds and have to start on a small budget-because you are, lol.
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