Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

I understand what you're saying. I have to fight depression too. I think mine is more of having to come to terms with my mother no longer being the person I knew; she was always a source of strength for me. It's also hard to become the parent; I want to treat her with dignity, and I want her to do what she needs to do too (like shower or change clothes). My brother lives far away from me, and I have no one else to help me either. My son was living with me for a while, but he has since moved. I don't have the money to do a lot either, but I am going to have someone come in for a few days a week while I'm at work. I dont think my mother would be willing to go to a day care center. I hope you and your husband will be able to find more time to go out. I'm sorry your mother doesn't understand that you need to work; instead of telling her you need to get out, can you tell her you need the money? Well, hang in there. This community has lifted my spirits, and I have learned a lot!

Hi Miz---well I have read your question as well as the replys----and the feedback seems to be right on target. I am wondering if your mom woud go to adult day care--perhaps a couple times a week--and one that perhaps has Alzheimers knowledge as a specialty..This would give yout time for you, and your mom would be in good hands as well. Caregiving, as you already do know is non stop - and requires your special attention to the one you are caring for. As previously mentioned--you probably do need some 'me time'- even if it is just to collect your thoughts or to veg out. Stress plays of no asset to you-and it can even compromise your immune system. Another thought, can you have someone come in for a while--to give you a break?

I have been there as well, and know what your journey could be like---it is up to you to make a stand before you let your own health slip away.

I hope this does not sound harsh---it is reality, and reality can bite at times. I am sure that this group of caring people will stand behind you.

Good wishes to you.

Hap

Hi hapfra, You don't sound harsh at all. I would love to use a day care but Mom lays down most of the time and they don't have beds. She gets very tired. Her heart is weak. We do have a friend who is a CNA that can sometimes stay with mom. We pay her $10.00/hr. There are times that I could get out for a couple of hours when my husband is home but so many days I just don't have the energy. (My siblings don't want me to do that.) I should probably push myself to do it. Seems like I have to push myself to do everything. Thanks so much for your post. I am so grateful for this group of caring people.

DEPRESSION AND GUILT GO HAND AND HAND, AS I BATTLED WITH THAT FOR SO LONG. STILL HAVE MY BAD DAYS WHERE ALL I DO IS CRY. I TAKE AN ANTI DEPRESSANT TOO, BUT THAT LITTLE PILL DOES NOT CHANGE THINGS. I HAVE 3 SIBLINGS WHO DO NOTHING, AND WHEN THEY DO GET INVOVLED THEY MAKE MY LIFE EVEN MORE DIFFICULT. I DO HAVE POA, SO THEY WILL NOT DICTATE TO ME ANY MORE. IF YOUR BROTHER THINKS IT IS SO EASY TO GET CHEAP OUTSIDE HELP, TELL HIM TO DO SOME RESEARCHING AND FIND IT. I WAS EXTREMELY CLOSE WITH MY MOTHER ALL MY LIFE, BUT NOW THAT I AM THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER, I AM THE BAD GUY. THE OTHER 3 SIBLINGS IS THE GOOD GUYS, AND THEY HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT ANYTHING. WE ARE NOT COMMUNICATING THESE DAYS, WHICH WAS INITIATED BY MY MOTHER. SHE HAS DEMENTIA, AND ALTHOUGH SHE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW, SHE PIT ONE AGAINST THE OTHER. IT TOOK A LONG TIME, BUT I WAS GETTING SICK, WHEN MY MOTHER WOULD CALL ME, SCREAM AT ME, AND THEN HANG UP ON ME. ACCUSE ME OF ALL SORTS OF THINGS, BECOME AGITATED, CONFUSED, PARANOID, AND IT IS ALL DIRECTED AT ME. I WAS JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS FOR MY MOTHER WHO IS 89 YRS OLD, AND MY STEPFATHER, WHO IS 97YRS OLD OF 21 YRS. HE HAS NO FAMILY, AND ME AND MY HUSBAND ARE IT FOR HIM, BUT HE DOESN'T SEEM TO REALIZE HOW LUCKY HE IS THAT HE HAS US. I REFUSE TO TAKE THIS VERBAL ABUSE ANY LONGER, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT REALLY ISN'T THEIR FAULT, BUT I HAVE TO THINK OF MY HEALTH AND MY HUSBANDS ALSO, WHO IS NOT A WELL MAN. I HAVE DETACHED MYSELF, IN THAT I DON'T CALL, UNLESS I AM NEEDED, DOCTOR'S APPTS. ETC. I HAVE A CAREGIVER FROM HOME INSTEAD COME IN 2 DAYS A WEEK FOR 3 HOURS. I ALSO HAVE LIFE LINE. THEY MOVED TO N.C. 3 YRS AGO FROM NEW YORK AT THEIR REQUEST, HOWEVER, I DID NOT REALIZE JUST HOW BAD THEY WERE. THEY LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL CONDO 3 MINUTES FROM ME. SHE NO LONGER ABUSES ME, AS I DON'T GIVE HER THE OPPORTUNITY ANY MORE. HER BEHAVIOR AROUND ME IS TERRIBLE, UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE IS THERE, AND THEN SHE IS LITTLE MISS SWEET LADY, ALTHOUGH, SHE WENT INTO ONE OF HER EPISODES AT XMAS DINNER. HAD A COUPLE FROM ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME, AND MY MOTHER WENT INTO HER CRYING, NOT MAKING ANY SENSE, AND CAUSED A SCENE. I WOULD ALWAYS EITHER TAKE THEM OUT FOR DINNER ON A SUNDAY OR THEY WOULD HAVE DINNER AT MY HOUSE, BUT IT ALWAYS SEEMED TO SO UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME, AS I WAS WALKING ON EGGS, NEVER KNOWING WHAT WOULD SET THEM OFF. MY HUSBAND, AND I DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM, BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY ENTIRE LIFE ANYMORE. NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET OVER THE GUILT, AND ALTHOUGH I DO GET DEPRESSED, MY NEW ATTITUDE HAS LESSENED IT. YOU TOO HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE. YOU CAN BE THERE FOR YOUR MOTHER, BUT JUST AS SHE HAS LIVED HER LIFE, YOU ALSO CAN LIVE YOURS, MAYBE NOT THE SAME AS BEFORE YOU WERE CAREGIVING FOR HER, BUT YOU CAN MAKE IT BETTER. I HAVE NO HELP FROM MY SIBLINGS. ASK OR TELL YOUR SIBLINGS THAT THEY HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE MORE BURDEN OFF OF YOU AND GIVE YOU MORE "ME TIME". HOPE I HELPED
TRANQUILITY

I don't know a health care giver who doesn't suffer from depression at some point. I know I do. The only way I cope is to keep telling myself it will be over one day (either him or me).

why do you have mom instead of brother
and ya you could find someone for $5 an hour but they wouldnt speak any english

You need "TIME OUT" everyday to help you out of that depression. You make the rules & a fixed schedule to follow - keeping yourself as well as your mom in mind. U said she is weak & must lie down often. She must be napping too at certain times. Use that time doing your own things - even if it's just reading a book, exercising or watching TV. If you have children they can help just giving 5-7 hours once in two weeks. U can go & maybe watch a movie or have dinner out - it takes your mind totally off for those few hours & relaxes you so you are ready to face another day. She'll slowly get used to your schedule & things will ease up for u. I am telling you from experience as there was a time I would just cry when out of her room. Hope this helps.

beta, I moved in with my mom and dad after a very tough divorce in 2000. I was saving money and getting ready to get out on my own again in 6 months when my mom asked me to stay. I did. I was here when Dad died and so I said I would stay with Mom. She wanted to stay in her own home. It just worked out that way. Bro is out west. I know they have thought about moving her out there but I don't know if she could make the trip and it would be tough on her emotionally.

Smile, those are very good suggestions. Unfortunately I don't have any kids and neither does my husband. I am so grateful for everyone's support and help on here. I know I will get through this. I have to. I won't put her in a nursing home unless I absolutely have to. It would be so hard for her and she would be so fearful I think.

Sharon, I know what you are saying. And, I know I will be glad I did what I did. Hugs to you!!

Dear Mizunderstood10,

I couldn't have found a better thread to read today than the one you started. Your story is my story, as I am sure it is so many others' as well. We have good hearts. We love our family members. We want to do the best for them and probably for everyone else, too. BUT and there is a big BUT attached to this.

BUT along with our caring for them and sharing our lives and often our homes with them, comes a great price that we alone as caregivers pay. Depression, anxiety, loss of sleep, loss of friends, loss of life, not just theirs, but ours, feeling fatigued, feeling alone, and on and on and on. We want to do our best. We try. But there are days and there are weeks when we feel like we're drowning, like we are the ones who are ill.

I do so appreciate everyone's advice. It is exactly what we need to hear, but as I said, there are days and there are weeks, when we can't absorb the wise words spoken here. I want to appreciate the few minutes I have when my parents nap or the hour or two I have when someone else is watching them, but it is so hard. It seems like I can't disconnect from them, in order to relax.

Someone says, "Take a bath. Take a walk. Read." Their words are the right words, but how do I get my mind off the responsibilities I am constantly facing? I don't know how to disconnect. I never feel free. And I want to feel at peace. I desperately want to.

So what advice do I have for you. KEEP COMING BACK HERE. Years ago, I went to OA to lose weight. They said two things that still stay with me. Keep coming back, so you have support, even when things seem the darkest. And "Act as if" things are OK. If you wait to "feel better" you may be waiting a long, long time, but if you start acting as if they are, even if they're not, the behavior may encourage the mind to follow.

This is my refuge, right here. You all share my life; you share my story. I don't have to feel bad telling the same story over and over again. Here it is all OK.

Good luck to you, Miz. Good luck to us all.

Wow, Rachel. What wonderful words. You are so right in everything you said. I could not have said it better. Thank you so much and I will keep coming back here. I wish I had found it sooner.

Wow - the "big D" - When you fight it when things are going good, I can tell you first hand how difficult it is to fight it when you feel trapped...then the anxieties start. If your mom can tolerate a wheelchair, make it a habit of taking her outside EVERY day. It's not how fast you walk, but the fact that you and her are getting outside with the sunshine and nature. You definitely need a support group to assist in reassuring you of your value and to discuss any questions you might have regarding other people's experiences. Thank goodness for this site where we can share without fear.

My hat is off to all of you who are in this for the long haul. You have my highest respect!

sunny, I will get her out more when the weather gets better. Winter is rough on both of us and also my husband. I do need a support group. There is one here in town that meets once a month. I will have to try and find the info on that. Thanks for the reminder!! :) Yes, this site is a life saver!!

pamela, thank you!! You're a dear!!

I cared for my Mom for almost 5 years and now my sister has her. She has paranoia and demetia along with audio hallucinations. My dad died in 2001 and she was fine until almost 2005. Then she thought someone was out to get her, wanted to hurt her, wanted to break into her house. None of this was actually happening. My sister and I has ADT put in her house but it didn't help. She could never learn out to turn it on and off. Then we moved her to a senior apartment. She didn't like it and thought someone was trying to get in. We moved her to another one and she thought all kinds of things were happening or that someone has told her there was a shooting there that morning ( and there was no such thing). The senior manager told us they were not equiped to deal with people who like Mom and has these 'problems'. Next we moved her into another apartment and after about 4 months, the same old things happened. Last we moved her into a nice condo that my husband and I owned at the time. She lived there for a year and did pretty good. She still thought things were happening and that people were talking to her through the walls. She would forget to eat, take her meds, take a bath and other things, so in Dec. of 2008, my sister moved her in with her and her husband so she could monitor her care. My sister works 4 days a week but Mom doesn't have to stay by herself at might and was managing fairly well until the last couple of months. Now she begs my sister (who is 60) not to go to work and she also is getting verbally abusive to her and also her husband. She talks to herself and says people talk to her from the TV and through the walls. My sister says if she didn't work she'd go crazy. I have one more sister who does not help at all. I do go to my sisters once a week and take mom out to eat. I also bring her to my house about every two months and keep her for two nights (all I can take). If they want to go out of town for a few nights, then I go to their house. It is easier - as Mom can stay on her routine. My sister says she might be able to keep mom for 6 more month and then we are going to have to look into other care. It tooks its toll on me the 5 years I cared for her ( I am now 62) and it will also take its toll on my sister eventually. Mom can be very self centered and hateful. We have learned what things upset her and we steer clear of those topics. She is a smoker and we fought the battle for a long time trying to get her to stop but she never will. We bought hearing aids for her (both ears) and she wore them about a month and now refuses. (We are still paying for them). I only hope and pray that when I am her age (almost 80) that I never, ever let myself get in the shape she is in. Looking back, I don't see how our dad was able to deal with her personality all those years. Mom is not the mom she was 5 years ago and definitely not the one of 10 years ago. I never in a million years would have thought she would turn into the person she is today. My sister and I felt the guilt at first but not now. And we both know that you can only be a caregiver so long, then you have to let someone else do it. We both have had our turn - and the next time social services will have to place her. Of course we will be involved in all aspects of this move.

Miz-I do think that you have received some wonderful support in the replys that have been posted. The big "D' as it has been called I would say is a component to many of us who are or have been a caregiver----

As for your mom--if she sleeps alot---is it do to her condition, her meds--or is she in a state of depression? I think if her sleep situation was explained to a day care supervisor, they in turn would advise you.

I really do think, before you are in a crisis situation-you need to consider taking care of you. Should you get burned out or even take ill from stress...then what? I have personally been in your shoes, and know how stress can creep up on you.

To be effective wih your caregiving, it becomes necessary that you take care of yourself-This theory is very true, and has been supported by the people in the Alzheimer's Associaition support meetings...they even have a 24/7 hotline.

Hospice is also another excellent means of support...and they are very supportive, and may even come to you should you not be able to get out.

Once again, good luck!

Hap

Just the other day I was discussing this depression with my parents. Since March 1, 2009 I have been here in Florida taking care of both my parents. I live in Atlanta, own a home, had a business, 4 children, 5 grandchildren and just turned 62. It was just starting to be my time for me. I was a single mother, had run two businesses and now I was hoping to find a love and enjoy these years before I get too old.
Dad had spinal fusion surgery March 3, returned home March 25...the next day Mom fell and broke her back also. OMG
She had surgery eventually. Both have smaller situations going on...incontinence, tremors, dementia..dadada.
What I thought would be maybe a month stay for me has turned into a forever situation.
They dress and shower themselves now...but the rest is up to me. I feel like Cinderella.
They will live longer here with their Shrine activities/friends, familiar doctors and in their condo...so I am now living in the second bedroom. If I take them back to Atlanta they will just sit there and die. I want to make their last years as good as I can. They are 81 + 83.
I have one younger brother...in Ohio. He doesn't call...says he has nothing to say! Oh, I heard he's going to Ireland this month...stopped vacationing in Florida suddenly this year. Why was I surprised about that?!
I don't take anything for depression or anger. I go to Petland and hold their puppies. If one doesn't do it, then I hold another and another. No better place to get lots of kisses!!
I can walk in there fighting back tears, but always walk out comforted and calm again.

mizunderstood10,

I live with depression quite often with my bipolar II disorder which is the depressive kind. My elderly mother's declining health and financial mess that I'm dealing with an an only child in the context of a step-father who is unrealistic and step-siblings, has served to trigger my depression more often to the point that I'm back on wellbutrin. The thing about anti-depresents is not so much masking the depression as controlling it so if their are deeper issues to deal with, then you have more mental health freedom to deal with it like in cognitive therapy. Part of my situation is dealing with some unresolved family of origin issues in relation to my mother who emotionally absorbed me into herself to meet her own needs as a single parent mom and continued even after she got married again. My dad is a non issue for she successfully iced him out of my life and now he's under the complete domination of my step-mother.

It sounds like from your husband's observation that you have some seasonal affective disorder (which is depression at the same time each year).

I read a lot of what you and your brother does with sister doing nothing, but nothing is said about how your husband helps you in getting a break. I hear what this is doing to you, but what is it also doing to your marriage?

However, your depression and burnout sounds over the top. You sound like a person who is screeming to have their life back. It also sounds like there's some F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) that's blinding you from feeling ok about going to work or taking some time off with your husband like you're going to do this weekend because frankly we can't be responsible for dealing with anyone's emotions but our own.

There is not any reason for feeling guilty for taking care of yourself and if you don't who is going to take care of your mother? Unless you really trust your primary care physician, I recommend you see a psychiatrist for an anti-depressent like wellbutrin which is not known for causing weight gain and has the least amount of possible side effects.

When someone is having days where they don't feel like doing anything, hardly move and are barely able to speak, they are in very deep depression and it's not healthy to try to just gut it through because suicidal thoughts and feelings could come in and just totally take over or on the other hand so could the anger you are carrying about having to do this all by yourself plus the added agrivation of your sister not helping and your brother's unrealistic idea of paying for a certified caretaker to spend a few hours every day with your mother. When this amount of anger goes the opposite direction of suicidal ideation, it can become violent anger and the nearest human being, old or young, becomes the person all the anger gets violently put on without any realization of who they are.

Other than chemical induced depression as seen in people with clinical depression or bipolar II, situational depression is often anger turned inward because one does not want to really feel their anger, as well as talk about their anger and depression.

Although you don't say so directly, I get the impression that your brother must be the one with the durable and medical POA which is sad if he does because he is not there, but you are. You three siblings might need a third party to help come up with a more reasonable budget than what your brother has put together.

I'll be praying for you.

Hi everybody.

I just read this entire thread and it's inspiring and heartbreaking too.

Nutz, you're amazing. Nins and verybody here.
Hap, everybody on this thread (site) has my deepest respect. no outsiders will ever know what this is.

Miz you know we totally get each other and timmy... I used to have a job I loved but moved to nj to care for mom. Love you and the puppies.
I have been back in Cali with mom for a few months and am placing her this weekend. Been crying off and on all day.

I got so depressed about 4 months into this ordeal 5 years ago that I thought I would die. Tried to deal with it without pills but ended up on the ol Prozac and Xanax. Works for me. At least i can get up and take good care of mom and dream about BOATS. Other than that I'm mainly useless.

Thanks, everybody for the inspiration,
lovbob

Girlfriend-you are NOT useless. I think the rest of the crowd would agree with that and I certainly think it.
You have been an inspiration. Where in Cali if I can ask?

wow, nins, so sweet of you. Los Angeles.

CroMag, that was so well worded. You have really worked hard to have that kind of understanding. Man, you could teach. on this site you ARE teaching....nice.

thanks again nins,

lovbob

MZ
A better question might be: Are there any primary caregivers out here who are not in denial and are not fighting off depression most of the time?
Well are there???

Miz, yes I have had depression too, related to caring for my father. I didn't have the trouble caring for my mother, because she didn't have any dementia, and actually was a joy to take care of. But my father has experienced cognitive changes and a dramatic personality change, and this has been very difficult for me. My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant, which has helped tremendously. I am coping well now. So you have company! Feel good about being faithful to your Mom and helping her during these years of her life. You are to be commended!

ezcare:
just a shot in the dark here for an answer to your query:

No.

Bobbie

Nope * looking aournd* nuttzin here either... emphatic NOPE.!!
P.S. It is my honor, my glory , my pain and my story.
I am honored to honor my mother with my pain. But it still HURTS LIKE HELL!!!!

I take care of mom by myself, as well. I am thinking of visiting my daughters in Florida, but I am consumed with fret and guilt.
Most of the time, to "get away", I just go in my room, watch Netflix AND SLEEP.......A LOT!!!!!! lol

My mom is in assisted living, but I still get depressed every time I visit. She has really gone downhill physically this past year. I could always fight for her until last December, when she almost died, but somehow pulled though. Now I have to accept the reality that she is not going to get better, but keep going "downhill". Reading this chain was good for me to know I am not alone in how I feel. My father-in-law is in the middle stages of Alzheimers and that is heartbreaking for me too. I tried to find a local support group, but could not. I am glad I found this website. Thank you!

is it going to cost money to get power of attorney - my mom cant sign her name and i have moved her into my home and need to change docs. I live 86 miles from her prior residence and need to change docs now. she needs pain meds . - my brother kept her pains meds for himself - jerk

beta 42,

It will cost about $150 to get Durable POA and another $150 to get Medical POA. Tell the lawyer that she can't sign her name, but that she is mentally competent to make this decision and can make a mark.

Your brother is a real jerk. I wonder what he is using the pain med for? A legal way to take drugs? I hope not.

Your brother stole your mother's pain meds? How low can someone get?