Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

I'm so sorry I have not responded in this thread for so long. Sometimes I'm just too depressed/tired to deal with or think deeply about anything. To those who I didn't address with responses, I apologize. I appreciate all the support and suggestions more than you will ever know.

I have been taking anti-depressants since 1986 (when I quit drinking) and anti-anxiety meds since the '90s. I see a Psychiatrist in order to keep getting my meds and used to seen a counselor but I can no longer afford to do so. All three of us kids have Health Care Power of Attorney for Mom. I have Durable Power of Attorney, but my brother handles the money now as I am not so good with money. I have asked him for more money for expenses but he has not done so. He's worried about Mom running out of money eventually. I can't really tell my mom that I need the money and that's why I'm going to work because she thinks money is not a problem and that is the way I want it. I tell her it's for my future. I don't want her to worry about it...she worries about so much as it is. Sometimes I think she lays in bed and thinks of things to worry about. I know that stress can contribute to strokes, so I don't want her to have anymore stress.

I know I should do some things for myself like read a book or take a nap if I want to or something but I always feel like I should be cleaning or hanging with Mom or something else. I wish someone could tell me how not to feel guilty. I have asked psych professionals and no one has really given me an answer.

Anyway, thank all of you so much for your support, sharing your stories and suggestions. Bless you all. I love this site!! I had no idea how many people would relate to my story.

Mizunerstood,

I can understand how guilt plays a huge role in depression. But remember, your mother was able to live her life and she would want you to live yours. You are only given one chance on earth to live a happy productful life and it is your choice to either do it or stay miserable. Try a little harder to do things that please you. Even if it to take a bubble bath with candles glowing and peaceful music playing. You'd be surprised how such a little treat will make you feel like a queen.

The best way to deal with depression is to separate the clinical side of depression. That means ruling things out that are physical. Try for a check up regardless of how unmotivated you are. As far as the mental aspects of depression - at this point I hope that there is no stigma to a treatable condition. Medications for depression are not "happy pills" - SSRI's are in many cases lifesavers for some people who have an imbalance and benefit the same way diabetics do from proper use of insulin.

Some tricks that I use personally is to stay goal focused, and not to dwell on anything that I cannot change. That type of self talk is a good way to sabotage your day. You know the old adage, misery loves company - it is true. Although we all have bad moments, don't fall into the trap of endlessly discussing why something is unfair, sad, crazy-making (endless list).

I have been a solo caregiver for seven years. I occasionally participate on this board because I've managed to deal with alot, and its hard work - depression makes it harder still. So when I comment, I am not painting a rosy picture, nor am I advising anyone to be in denial of their problems. I am, however suggesting that how you manage your expectations is likely to be more helpful than complaining about things you cannot change.

A person with Alzheimers is not in a position to know that you have issues - let alone work out stuff from the past. So when I say suck it up & let it go - you will feel better, I earned the right to say it because I have done it. If I feel helpless, then I figure out where I can regain a bit of control - either in researching a condition, resolving to laugh while cleaning up poop instead of crying, or realizing that my choice of being a caregiver for a family member means I probably won't be walking down the streets of Paris this year or meeting the man of my dreams. These dreams weren't stolen - I wasn't forced, they are a mature choice - the same ones we make when we show up for work rather than going to the movies, or doing our homework instead of playing video games. If old friends drop away, then so be it. Never hang on to anything, that does not nurture you or make you happy - that means self-image too.

Be kind to yourself, admit what you need for you to thrive may not be what someone else thinks you need. Realize that self-talk can hurt or help - your choice, choose wisely. Talk to a Dr. about meds if you need them - don't tell anyone else. Its not them that is feeling your pain. Realize that lifting your mood does not change your life - that is still up to you.

Do things that make you laugh. Dance to music you like every day. Eat healthy food and sleep - maybe the luxury for you would be hire a sitter and sleep for 8 hrs rather than being up every 2 to check on your loved one - that kills your mood.

Appreciate the fact that the real world is always better than online - go outside and get fresh air & sun every day for even a little bit.

In other words, practice a little every day in managing your reactions - not responses - to all of the crappy stressful stuff that you can't control. Takes work to get your sense of humour back, but it is worth it - so after you have had a good cry, have a good laugh if you can, its good for your heart and soul.

Last night my parent when I was putting my parent to bed I felt pretty beat up from the week which had been pretty challenging for us both. She said to me - never mind don't you know that when you wake up in the morning, the devil always says "oh crap! she's up!"

It made my day (night), I laughed and yes, today I am back to myself again. I think everyone on this board is so deserving of wishes come true, so I hope my reminder about laughter and hope helps ....

writing it helped me.

Loved your comments, and you have hit home on so many issues.
We are all different, thats true. We did Make a choice.
I chose to honor my promise to my mother, being as I am an only child. I promised her years ago that I would never let her be in a home if there were any way I could prevent it. That was my promise and now its my prison, but still I deal with it. I love my Mother and I sacrifice a little part of myself each and every day to make sure that she has what she needs, when she needs it. I put myself last in my family because my family means more to me than I mean to myself, ( even if I do complain sometimes). My Mother Often Apologizes for her condition and the fact that I have to take care of her. My Reply to her is "It is my Honor to do this for you",~Nutz

If you don't watch the depression serious illness will take root. My mom started on some rant 3 to 4 weeks ago and I almost fell for it...and started to get nervous and anxiety due to all of her bellyaching...until it made me ill. Then when I recogonized it...and pulled myself out of the rut I started to get well again. They have recognized caregiver burn out and depression and recommend caregiver help from the outside.....

Cat-absolutely. Well said.

I think that, sometimes, we get depressed because we feel like no one is listening to us. Not only do we feel trapped, alone and hopeless, but when we ask for help all we get is "Why?" That's why a site like this is SO important. We can talk to each other, we can vent, we can scream, cry, whine, whatever we need to do to help ourselves cope. But I guess we need to think of it like a tide-let it come in, wash over us, then it leaves. It will come back, no doubt about it. And each time it comes it changes us a little. But it's up to us to make the change for the better. Choose to learn from it instead of letting it damage us. Something I've done in the past is called Free Association Writing. Basically, whatever comes into your head you write it down (or type or whatever). So if you're sitting there thinking, "I can't think of anything," you write I can't think of anything. You'll be amazed what comes out once you get going. Then, when you're wiped out, get rid of it. Delete it, trash it, burn it. Catharsis, anyone?

I know that I'm going to fight with depression for the rest of the time I'm doing this-and after the doc's visit yesterday it seems like I'll be doing this for the next decade-but I will find new ways to fight it, deal with it, or whatever, because I have to. And as F.O.G. buster has already said, we shouldn't be afraid to talk about depression anymore. And as Cat has said, we shouldn't get into that endless cycle of being depressed about things that we can't change. Now, if I can only convince myself of this, that would be great. Oh well, I'm a work in progress :)

Thank you for all of your ideas, support and comments. Cat, you said some really helpful things. I'm curious though, you said "don't tell anyone else". Did you mean about taking the meds or about the depression or the bad stuff that happens? I am a person that has to talk. If I don't it goes inward and adds to my depression and anger. I'm on meds and I feel that my depression is part chemical and part situational. I have fought it for a very long time. I know I can't tell my brother or sister. They won't understand and would probably push to put Mom in a home or drag her butt all the way to their house (my brother's) which she does not want to do. I also know we can choose to be cheerful. I try to do that even though my patience is down to a thread sometimes. I have chosen to do this. No one pushed me or forced me. I want to do it. I promised Mom I would not put her in a nursing home unless I absolutely have to. It would break my heart. I have many regrets in my life and I want to do this good thing. Life is a good teacher. She's a dear. I'm getting a break tomorrow until Sunday at noon. We're leaving Mom with a CNA who she likes very much. I'll be another year older tomorrow. I'm choosing not to be depressed about that. That's a big one for me. :)

Miz~~ U go Girl and Happy Birthday.~nutz

I should just type "ditto" to each of the previous posts in this thread! While I have made the choice to care for my parents, it is nonetheless, as Mizunderstood said, (to paraphrase) wearing our patience to a mere thread.

I often wonder if situations like we live in and with don't ultimately lead to chemical, clinical depression after it's been situational for so long for some people. Prolonged intense stress in which a person burns out often damages whatever the weakest part of the body it.

Very often I read statements like "I promised Mom I would not put her in an assisted living, nursing home unless I absolutely have to. " What criteria brings one to the point of "absolutely have to"? "Aboslutely have to" is rather general which would be a good thing to define as concretely as possible and discuss that with our loved one.

Unless this gets defined and communicated, I could easily see where "absolutely have to" might be once my own health fails; my money runs out because I quit my job; my friends get tired of hearing me complain while making myself a martyr; my spouse get worn out with feeling like they are single and leave with the children who no longer feel they have a parent; and so on and so forth.

I don't think there is a blanket answer that fits all, but I do think this phrase needs to be defined by each of within the context of our individual situations.

Crowmagnum,

Your comments are a good wakeup call for everyone. Not healthy for anyone involved being a martyr or living with one.

For me .Crowe, My promise to my mother means that I do everything In my power to keep her at my home and care for her, as long as I am mentally, phyically and financially able. that was my promise.

we re depressed cuz we r at home 24-7 and its same ole routine everyday . i dont take any depression pills , in fact im afraid of them . toomany side effects and sometimes it makes it worst . i just deal with my depressions . get on the computer helps me to stay insane .
watch good movies , which i should be cleanin my bdrm but heck i dont feel like cleanin ...

yeah I know depression. I went to my Dr and complained through my tears that I was seriousy depressed. I lift there with scripts with not 1,not 2,3,4,5 but 6 prescriptions!!!! @ that point I decided that this whole mental meltdown thing was within my control not those of the pharmaceutical companies. I buckled down and sucked it up and never redeemed even one of those scripts....

oh wow 6 scripts whoa haha . thinkmaybe that dr s tryin to kill ya ?? man , well i am glad u didnt go for it ! havin 6 of it in ur hand makes ya wonder what it;ll do to ya ,
i think it may just land ya in mental state hospital if ya did ,
when i took pa to the dr , his dr ask me if i needed anything cuz i was on the edge and tears was fallin down onmy cheek , i told that dr im fine i dont need anything , took pa home and told him its nap time .
woke up felt better and go at it again and again haha ...

I would be careful getting anti-depression meds from just a family doctor. Even with selecting a psychiatrists it is good to ask around concerning how pill happy they are. My wife had one who definitely over medicated her and she's changed along with getting off several of her meds which deal with issues far more reaching than clinical depression.

I discovered 5 years ago that there was more to my own depression than just bi-polar II, etc. My sister in law read an article in her husband's Men's Health magazine and suggested that I see an endocrinologist which I got my Psych to refer me to. Well, turns out that my testosterone level was totally lower than the Dead Sea, my pituitary gland was no longer telling my body to make that hormone, and I had osteoporosis. Interstingly, my the various regular doctors over the 5 or so years previous to that would only say 'oh you are a little low, let's give you this patch for 6 months.' Then I learned that the mental health people have known for years about testosterone and male depression, but went the pill rout because the method of getting testosterone to me was in the dark ages. That never changed until the pharmacy industry developed a super efficient pump bottle for women's estrogen treatment's.

While I'm taking my hormones every day, well most of the time at least, I still need my wellbutrin and lamictal to help me otherwise. I tried going a while without the wellbutrin but it did not work. I also learned 5 years ago that I had sleep apnea. Well, that itself causes depression and in men contributes to a poor level of testosterone production. Oh, one surprising bit of information that I learned from one doctor is that older men are not the highest consumers of viagra or cialis. Younger men are getting their doctors to give it to them for extra energy in their sex life. Well, I went from writing about depression to sex. ha, ha, :)

At least it's a more upbeat subject than depression.. I guess. Haha! I'm interested in what you said about the lowered testosterone levels contributing to depression. My 27 year old son is bipolar with depression and I wonder if he could be experiencing problems from that, too. I will have to decide how to broach the subject with him on that.

Low testosterone level in men contributes to depression, low sex drive, poor sexual performance, weakened bones, increase in body fat due to the loss of body mass, etc.

27 is a bit young for a low score. However, according to another article in Men's Health, today's 20-30 something male has much less testosterone level than the same age group of a generation ago. BTW, my sister in law buys me a new subscription to Men's Health as my Christmas present ever year! Don't I have a wonderful sister in law! And she lives just a few doors down from and has to deal with her borderline 'mommy dearest' whitch, queen mother type as a ovarian cancer survivor since 2001 and frankly has no business having to do all she does for her mother plus deal with a needy disabled and somewhat confused husband.

Here are my three favorite articles on testosterone.

http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/2003/01.09/01-testosterone.html

http://discuss.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/zforum/05/viewpoint_aar041806.html

http://www.bu.edu/today/2009/12/10/coming-soon-decade-testosterone

I'm sure the article from Men's Health on Testosterone can be found online.

Thinking about how to approach this, you could ask if he has had a bone density test done. Given how low many people's vitamin D level often is, this really might not be a bad idea. A poor result from that test would likely mean testosterone gets looked into as well as the vitamin D level. BTW, my endocrinologist tells me that we only need 15 minutes a day in the direct sun on the tops of our arms to make the vitamin D we need. However, the suntan lotion people have scared us out of the sun.

The bigger question for your son's situation is does his psychiatrist know about current testosterone treatments and your son's testosterone level? I had to point this out to my psych when I asked him for a referal to the endocrinologist. So, when I told him last year my depression was worse than usual the first thing he asked about was my testosterone level and ordered lab work for it. My medicine for that was adjusted some, but it's not had much impact on anything else. It is probably a good idea to test for and often is part of the bood work in a man's annual physical. However, given the nature of bipolar lifting his testosterone level to normal range if low most likely will not really help the bipolar.

One more humorous note about testosterone and sex. This is a controled substance that comes with wise instructions about washing it off your hands after putting it on your upper arms and shoulders. If I fail to do so and shake hands with one of my teenage boys, he just might get a hormonal jolt of energy. If I fail to keep my shirt on for four-six hours after putting it on and my wife rubs my upper arms and shoulders, I'm in danger of her ripping my clothes off. Well on that note, I'm going to bed.

This seems to be LIVELY thread!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! I, too, am depressed, so what else is new! Sleep is my respite. MOvies, and my loving greyhounds. I get up in the morning, or go out in to the livingroom, and there she is.......in her chair. Ankles swollen................looking confused, in denial of why I am there, Nothing changes, and sleep has just been a time-out!I gird my loins, and begin again. Shopping, cleaning, dishes, garbage that smells of urine, laundry..............and little time for me.....little ol' me. My life IS on hold, and I try not to look in the mirror to see the wear and tear. Sometimes I just stare out the window, looking for Spring..............or something to make it all different. I am trying to plan a trip to Florida to see my daughters, and the guilt is overwelming. I am trying to find someone to stay here and take care of EVERYTHING, and then I realize what a job that is!!!!!!!!!! I long for the embrace of my daughters, and grandchildren..............and a REALITY CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i get depressed and i take out a piece of paper and write all the things i can think of to be thankful for. it really helps.

Nancy,

Please be more graceful with yourself. At 60 years old, with grown children who have children, you have every right to go and visit them 'guilt free'. Grace to you Greysfully! :)

Thank you Crow. Is it time for a glass of wine yet?

It was time for a glass a wine 39 years ago! :)

I made the mistake years ago at the Biltmore House in NC by just tasting some of their wine. Wow was I really mellow that night given it was also mixed with wellbutrin, my anti-depressant. I'm sure glad that I didn't actually drink a whole glass of wine.

the depression from caring is one of the reasons i have decided to put dad in a home.I've been on the happy pills twice and promised myself if it got too much again I would put my needs first.Dad is waiting for a bed in a home and the guilt of saying I can't do this any more was unbearable but I've done it and my family are pleased that I'm going to have a life.

Hugs to you Tinapick. That is what you have to do. My doctor told me that the depression and stress was killing me and I would die before my mom if I kept this up. I'm was on BP meds, cholesterol meds, meds for anxiety & depression and meds to sleep. I wanted my life back and the only way to get it back was for someone else to be my Mom's caregiver. God bless you.

tinapick,

You are human like the rest of us and you might need a counselor or pastor to help you get past this guilt which I feel like you are putting on yourself. I hope you are happy that you are going to have a life. Your mom and dad had a life when they had you and now you are in the parent of the parent mode and can have a life too.

Totally agree with what you are saying

I am so glad that I can use your experiences so I don't get to the point that you were at.

I'm with you Sandy48. I'm glad I hired someone, and my sister stepped up and did what she should have been doing in the first place. in other words, I'm glad she's moms primary and not me. God knows she has more help with her entire family living in my moms house, than I did staying over there, neglecting my own family.

I am totally OK with it. I understand exactly where you are coming from.

For most folks I see that they can stay home with their family member, but not me, I have to go to work. So it's really tough when you leave it in the hands of caregivers. I find myself on Sunday's doing a lot of clean up I can be there 8 hours doing something continously. The caregivers are good, don't get me wrong, they do enough with a few chores and taking mom to lunch, wish I hate, because everytime they go somewhere I hear how bad it is. I told them not to, but the caregiver has an itch always to get out and about I believe. I know I can set that to rights, but for right now it's okay. My mom has a big enough mom around me and now is showing that big mouth to the caregiver. I told her 'then don't go out to eat, I make homemade food and it just rots in the fridge all week. For the past 3 weeks my mom was on a little sing song...when she called it was this horrible whining....:"I don't know what I gotta do"...I don't know what's going to happen"...on and on and on....but I think that may have been tied to bladder infection/constipation prob's. It's a roller coaster with her, I never know what's going to happen. So I have calmed myself down alot not trying to jump to her calling wolf, because it was starting to unravel me.