Desperate grandma. I'm not sure what to do.
I moved back to NY after living for almost 17 yrs. in NC. I took care of my sick mother with dementia and was in this forum back then seeking advice. I appreciated all the responses from so many people. Mother passed away 3 yrs. ago, so I went back to work.
I’m 65 yrs. old and my son and wife asked me to move in with them to help with the baby. Supposedly they can’t afford a daycare. I gave them $15,000 to help with the down payment.
They make the idea of me living with them very lovely. Telling me I can retire from work, don’t have to worry about paying a rent, etc.,WRONG! I don’t call raising a child and finding myself doing so much housework retirement, specifically at 65.
I’m not happy here, I’m not only here to care for my grandson, but I feel also like a housekeeper. They’re very, very messy, and I refuse to continue to pickup after them but I do since I’m very organized and I like things in place.
She does not manage her time well, she’s lazy, and very dramatic. They don’t have their priorities straight. Meaning, that the house needs things fixed, and changed, but they’re too busy buying stuff like outdoor lights, flower beds, plants, lawn mowers etc. They love to order takeout, dinner, or lunch quite often.
There is no AC and summer is coming.
If I give them advice or ideas they have something to say. They’re in their late thirties but act in their early twenties.
I made the move because I said to my myself, “I don’t have a purpose here being by myself, all I do is work and I miss spending holidays with family." So, I decided to move with them for three reasons.
1- It is time to make memories
2- To recover the time that I wasn’t in my son’s life.
3- They need me now, but someday I’m gonna need them.
Sad to say but my son doesn’t have any respect for me . My daughter in-law talks to him a lot about how he talks to me since she doesn’t want to lose me.
I’ve been here since December of 2023, so just 4 months, and we have had 8 bad arguments already. I’m also paying the water bill (almost $300, every 3 months).
When I shop for my treats I also bring things like paper plates, I buy my own toilet paper, etc.
I call my family and friends when I leave the house because they listen to my conversations so I can't speak or vent freely. I cannot wait until she goes back to work and can see how I feel since I’m going to have the house to myself with the baby from 7:00am until 5:30/6:00 when my son gets home from work, and her around 8:00 pm.
She’s a nurse so she only works 3 days and has 4 days off. She’s already asking me to help her with the baby 2 of those 4 days off so she can do her house chores. She has also mentioned that she wants to pick up some extra shifts for extra money.
I have changed my life completely for them and I don’t see much appreciation. I honestly regret this. I’m a Christian and I’m praying about it, and I always say that things happens for a reason.
There is an apartment for rent (1,050 a month) two streets from their house. I’m curious to see what it looks like. In order for me to afford it I would need to get a part time job since my SS and small pension is not enough.
I haven’t said anything to them about it.
I feel that my state of mind is priceless and if things don’t change I’m afraid that I will get sick and perhaps depressed.
What advice can someone please give to this desperate grandmother.
Thank you all in advance and may God bless.
15 Answers
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Forget the “making up for lost time”
with your son. He doesn’t care about that. Like you said, he and his wife are using you for free childcare. Sounds like they expect you to clean too, since they can’t be bothered. You say he is immature. Living with them is only enabling him to act like a teenager.
Being a Christian does not mean you have to tolerate suffering and remain in this pit. The life you’re living now is not the more abundant life that the Bible mentions.
Nope.
Never a good idea.
Sorry that you put that money into it, as that was a great mistake.
You are two years older than my daughter. It is time for a happy life free of babies.
You raised your children.
They are on their own.
They are clearly not grateful and are bad at sharing.
When people tell you by their actions that they are entitled, greedy, needy BRATS, believe them. If you don't, you will suffer for it.
I advise letting them know that you will move.
Does that mean you are going to be WORKING.
Yup. It does, because that 15,000 needs back into the coffers.
I often say here that the best place for our grown children, for our sake and their own is 1,000 miles away. Much as we love them.
I am 81 and still very active. You have a lot of time left. Use it wisely while you are healthy because I can almost guarantee you that you will be kicked to the curb soon enough when you're ill.
I am not a Christian, but an atheist. When people show me who they are I do, yes, believe I am being shown for a reason. If there IS a God then their actions are your Lord's way of letting you know you better take that apartment, get a job, and stop being used.
Don't bother asking for that money back. They aren't that honorable and they won't be giving it back. Waste of breath to ask. That's my hard advice. You are a grownup. You will make your own decisions for your own life and you will have the responsibility for them. I wish you the best of luck and hope you will let us know your decision. I honor your right to make it for yourself.
Take the apartment.
You can babysit WHEN YOU want to.
So if it makes you feel better
You are still helping them out.
They can still help you when and if you need it.
BUT you need to start thinking and planning for what might be ahead. Will they actually be able to help you? They are working and raising a family (maybe 3 or 4 by the time you need help) Will they really have time to help you?
Save for when you need caregivers.
Research programs that might be of help.
(one of the easy ways to do this might be Volunteer at a Senior Center and you will learn as you help others)
You might even look into other apartments, maybe a bit further away but might be less expensive.
You’re never going to get any help from these jokers. Make your peace with that and move on. I hope the move back to NC goes well. Elkin is a nice area, and so is Murphy.
Would you appreciate a person who calls your spouse dramatic and lazy and who criticizes and complains about your home (even if they're living free like the OP) and constantly criticizes you?
No, I don't think you would. I wouldn't.
"Gave", not loaned, so give up thinking about this money. It was a gift, and should have no strings attached.
If you are miserable, you need to change the arrangement to your liking. It won't get better on its own.
Moving back to NC is a bit dramatic and may not create the happiness you hope for, so maybe try renting and having a pt job for a while. You can always choose to move if this doesn't work out.
Work on boundaries with your son and DIL. Maybe offer to take your grandchild 1 or 2 days a week to lessen the daycare burden but mostly to enjoy this child. Mine just turned 14 and I cannot believe how fast that time flew.
You lived your youth the way you saw fit and they are doing the same. The more time you spend with them the more you are forced to watch the sausage being made. It's hard to not have an opinion on it — we never stop being parents and caring (and fretting) about their lives.
Finally, others are correct that you should not assume those 2 will be willing or even able to take care of you. You need to have your own plan, independent of them. Maybe they'll step up and that would be a nice surprise but plan for the worst and hope for the best.
Do you have enough money to pay for care in NY? You will need to know how much AL and MC costs, and all about Medicaid since many people who were faithful savers are being outstripped by the cost of everything skyrocketing.
I wish you much clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart as you prayerfully consider your options.
That said, no couple in their 30s wants advice from their mother or mother in law, let's face it. I didn't want advice when I was a young mother, and if you're being honest with yourself, you probably didn't either. What they DO want is free childcare and a live in housekeeper/nanny. At 65, that was my last goal in life, truthfully. I love my son and my grandchild, but I'm NOT interested in caring for their son or cleaning their very cluttered and unkempt house. I'm not even very interested in cleaning MINE, which is why I have a housekeeper come in every 4 weeks to do the cleaning for the 2 of us. We keep things up in the interim.
The other piece of this story that makes no sense is why a couple that's working full time cannot afford childcare? They CAN, they just prefer it to be free. Everyone thought you moving in would be the cheapest and easiest way to kill a bunch of birds with one stone. It wasn't. It's turned out to be too much for you, and too big a favor of THEM to have asked of YOU in the first place, imo. You just don't ask a 65 yo woman to be chief cook, bottlewasher, housekeeper AND live in Nanny for a young baby and his family. Unrealistic and downright ridiculous, thinking of it from my perspective and if I'D be willing to do it. Not even for a $100,000 a year salary, which is probably a lowball figure in NY these days for such a position, sonny boy. He may also feel the situation isn't working out, who knows? Things are different on paper than they work out to be in real life.
Have a family meeting. Tell them both that this arrangement is not a fit for you. That you're exploring other living/working arrangements right now and will keep them updated. But you wanted to give them a heads up that you didn't realize the sheer amount of energy that'd be required to keep up with a baby and a house at your age. And to have no privacy, or rights in the home bc it's not YOUR home. You bit off more than you could chew, so sorry (not sorry). In any event, this is their child, their life, and their problem, not yours. If they couldn't afford childcare, they should not have chosen to have a child. Period. That's the God's truth here. Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Hindu, you made this decision and will now need to figure your next steps out of it. Prayer is helpful, of course, as God will guide all who ask for guidance.
Look for an apartment thats more affordable as well, since you wont want to rely on a job to make ends meet forever.
Best of luck to you as you navigate the next phase of your life.
Living in a mess is mentally unhealthy.
Living together like this will not work, it is just that simple, she needs to move out and get her life back.
I'm picturing you in a small apartment, maybe even smaller than the one you saw so that the rent is more affordable. Your own favorite items around. A wonderful space your Grandkids will come visit you in. Maybe you will babysit them at your home as well as at your Son's. Of course, now that you are retired, or semi-retired, & live separately, your Son & DIL will have their own regular childcare & housekeeping arrangements in place. What you offer will just be that, an occassional helping hand. Not obligated. A GIFT.
The deal you struck : a social arrangement that was a good deal at the time. Family helping family.
It solved your housing needs. It solved their babycare needs.
But life moves & changes.
It sounds like that social arrangement ran it's course.
Family can come together at times, but give each member the space they need too.
PS Focus on how you want YOUR life to be. How to strengthen & better the relationships with your Son, DIL & family. Encourage more repect - both ways. (Judgement of their lifestyle will pull the opposite way).
You tried it and you aren’t satisfied. We live and learn throughout our lives.
You have free will. You aren’t a programmed robot.
Also, you are looking at your relationship with your son and daughter in law as an investment in your future so they will care for you.
Your son is not obligated to care for you in your old age. Just like you are not obligated to be his housekeeper and nanny now. Do what is best for you. They will find alternative options for childcare.
You are free to believe in God and choose your own path in life. You don’t need God to confirm that this isn’t the best option for you or your family.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Time to move out now. Your young enough to hold down a job. Just remember though, SS has an income limit for those not 66/67 years old collecting 100%. Be the grandmother thats there in a pinch. Pinch meaning the daycare closes for a holiday. Baby is sick. Parents want to go out. I think you all will be happier.
My father had a wise old saying about mixed generations of a family's women sharing one house. He compared the women to bees and would say:
'One queen in a hive'.
In the hive when another female challenges the queen for supremacy in the hive, they fight to the death.
If your complaining and criticizing of your son and DIL here is any indication of how you treat them at home, your son treating you with no respect should not come as a shock to you. I'd say you're so far lucky they haven't thrown you out. I certainly would.
I have a mother and I had two MIL's. I would not tolerate this kind of criticizing, complaining, and judgment for one minute from any of them. I wouldn't have it for one second in my home.
As for trying to recover the time you weren't in your son's life. Sorry, but no one has ever gotten back a moment of lost time.
You think they need you now. They don't. They're adults and parents themselves. They'll work out their life together, their way, and with their child. They don't need you to do it for them your way.
As for you needing them someday. They don't owe you a damn thing. So you gave your son money for a down payment on a home. You've also been living there for free since December. Paying the water bill once and buying some toilet paper really isn't the same as actually contributing to the finances of the home.
If there's been eight arguments since December, it's time for you to go.
You could get this apartment and still babysit but charge them less than the going rate. This would give u the xtra money. I charged my daughter. I did not need it so I set up a bank account the money went into. She was not a saver. Five years later she wanted to take my grandson to Universal. My SIL made all the plans. I gave him the saved money and we all went together. Great time.
Burnt is right, two women cannot live under the same roof. Especially when one is a neat nik and the other not. Get your own place. You will beca happier person.
For many years when my kids were young , I worked as a RN per diem nights weekends and holidays , when my husband was home . He traveled for work a lot and I had to work around his schedule . Daycares didn’t open early enough in the mornings 30 years ago for me to work a 6:45 start . They used to require you arrive 15 minutes before your shift , so the previous shift could leave at 7am after giving report to the next shift .
Now a lot of daycares are open at 6am . There are even nightcares to take kids to now for parents who work nights .
I couldn’t work nights during the week when hubby was away traveling either . I worked every weekend and picked up night shifts when I could per diem when hubby wasn’t traveling . Occasionally hubby wasn’t home on the weekend and I paid my sister to babysit .
Money has absolutely nothing to do with this situation. Consider the possibility that not being paid for your services is only an excuse to avoid expressing how you truly feel.
You realize that you don’t want to be tied down to being a babysitter, which is understandable.
Some people are happy to do babysitting on a regular basis and others aren’t. You don’t have to apologize for not wanting to be a full time babysitter.
You’re not satisfied and I don’t blame you. You raised your family and they can figure out how to raise their children.
It’s a shame that you agreed to this decision. Still, you have the right to change your mind now.
You were willing to try sitting full time and it isn’t working out so move on. Get your own place and go back to being grandma.
If you choose to babysit from here on out, do it occasionally and on your terms.
Best wishes to you.