Reflections: Didn't realize the level of Mother's Egocentric Personality nor Narcissism
One week from today Mother will be released (released early for poor behavior) from rehab. Of course she is coming back to my home, as she has dozens of times over the past 16 years. There will be more equipment and several types of rehab in my home 3-5 times per week with several different people coming in and out scheduling time that suits them and half a dozen MD appointments and 24/7 care.
We hoped Mother would stay in rehab long enough and regain her strength and relearn enough skills to make transfers less difficult and be able to give herself a bath sitting in a chair. We purchased a shower chair but she refuses to use it.
Mother asked for 6 months when we returned from our honeymoon, that was sixteen years ago, 20+ falls ago, one TIA ago, dozens and dozens of UTI's ago, dozens of other illnesses ago, two eye surgeries and one gallbladder surgery ago.
When we began taking care of Mother we had a brand new marriage, I had a career in the Music Industry and was attending college full time at night. Our plans were to start a family, purchase a home nearby (because Mother is disabled) and I was going to finish college (which I did) and begin grad school (either law school or if we had a child by them grad school to become a professor).
My career that I worked so hard for went down the tubes as the partners said that either I could move closer to work and away from Mother who was calling and disrupting my work all the time or leave. I got my bachelors degree (albeit I had to drop my schedule several times costing thousands and thousands of dollars because scholarships do not cover such disruptions and had to take out loans to cover these debts) but was unable to take advantage of scholarships for grad school. Mother had emergency after emergency and used the fact that my siblings had children and she was a widow and I feel for that hook line and STINKER.
She actually had me convinced that if I asked for my brothers help that meant I HATE their children because it would be taking food out of their mouths. Looking back, what pure b/s, my brothers make an extremely comfortable living.
Year after year, emergency after emergency and dumb dumb me kept listening to her say everyone in our family can have babies well into middle age. "Just give me six more months" "Just help me through this illness" it will be okay, you can have children whenever you wish. Well, turns out not in my case.
Four months into our marriage Mother had a bad fall and since that time I've been her caretaker. I was the last to get married, the only girl, had no children and being a good, "proper" southern girl I had the responsibility of caring for her. I never imagined being in this role more than a few months but over time and fall after fall (she refuses to obey MD's safety orders) her condition deteriorated and sixteen years later she still lives with us and her care takes up much of my day as she is at full assist. Over time as her needs escalated, and abilities decreased, her care ended my career, ended plans for graduate school and our plans for having a family, I've lost ALL my work friends and my best friend since high school. I so wish we had not delayed having a family while we were both young and/or I had found a way to afford full time assistance for Mother as I could not carry a pregnancy while transferring Mother several times a day, I needed bed rest.
We went through the steps and classes to adopt, but another emergency, imagine that, but we only need to retake two classes, and guess what, another emergency that has left Mother in the rehab hospital for nearly two months now, but, giving us a rest...... not exactly. For the first few weeks I had to be there nearly all day because of her poor behavior and refusal to do things she must do in order to stay and then if she doesn't receive daily visits she blows her top so, little rest and she comes home next week.
I have a big birthday coming up and I'm so depressed and angry with myself for allowing this to go on for so long. Over the past 6 of the sixteen years mother has become increasingly abusive, mean, manipulative, even more narcissistic and nearly impossible. She uses family triangulation and manipulation and until therapy I didn't realize these things or that I've been a lifetime family scapegoat. She is on the borderline economically so alternative plans other than a dump are not feasible. My not working and accruing benefits and SS for the future has and will cost us more than I care to calculate.
I do have a wonderful husband but he's gone 50+ hours per week and he can't and shouldn't try to fill in all the black holes, and I refuse to do to him what has been done to me. I'm so sad I don't know what to do.
All of you ladies have great insights. It gives me a little more courage. My brothers are still ignoring me. My husband and I are going to the hospital tomorrow to request a meeting with the social worker and ask for a psyc eval.
I am Mothers POA and FF, so, I'm doing a lot of research to see what my options are immediately and over time.
See a counselor about your marriage, because when your husband leaves, it will be just you and your mother. Is this what you want for your life? Have you ever heard of a non-marriage marriage? I hope this is not what is happening. So sorry to even bring this up, but the mother crisis may have you so distracted and overwhelmed you don't see it.
I hope you are able to use the fear, frustration and anger (that anyone would have) to motivate you to state (about Mom returning home) "I cannot possiby do that".
Call up brothers, say "It is your turn, I'm done". Don't bother to make it a family discussion or negotiation. Give the discharge planner their contact info, and remove yourself from the hospital family contact list. Going NO CONTACT may be the only way to save yourself a future life. Plan to visit her in 6+ mos. or so once she is where she will be staying.
This sounds harsh, I know. Will you have difficulty giving up control?
It is okay if you cannot make the change and take back your life. I understand, and will support your decision anyway. You wouldn't ever have to follow my suggestions, or anyone's for that matter. But your life matters too! Keep that in mind when making any tough decisions for you and hubby.
I had an aunt who needed 24/7 care for 16 years. She was of the old school where daughters were supposed to take care of their parents. My cousin G began to help her and moved in with her after G's husband left her. G tried to put her mother into a NH, but she yelled and made her so guilty that G brought her back home. When my aunt died, G was single and totally broke. There was no retirement savings and no inheritance. Her mother was loved by many, but I see it more realistically. She consumed her own daughter's life.
While we are helping others we have to make sure that we are not harmed too much. Some people end up donating their careers, marriage, and future livelihood to their parents. If a parent is narcissistic, the only person who can keep it from happening is the child. "I can't do it anymore," has a lot of power. You are in the perfect positions right now to say that. Ask the discharge planner for help finding a facility. Your mother will yell and carry on, but she has asked WAY too much of you. Shame on her for consuming your life the way she has. I hope she doesn't get too many bites of the rest of your life. (((((Hugs))))) You can't change what happened in the past, so regrets won't help. But you can change what happens next week simply by saying that you can't do it anymore.
"My husband told them we cannot handle it alone anymore, that I'm depressed and would like to start my life now and IF she is to stay out of a facility they can help if they are willing to, otherwise we will look for another arrangement. "
He shouldn't have used the verbiage "if they are willing to." They don't get an out. It's their turn to step up to the plate. What is the "another arrangement" that your husband wrote in the e-mail to your brothers? Is there really a Plan B?
Let me offer an "outsider's" view: #1. You've gone above and beyond for years as "the good daughter." #2. You had the insight, intelligence and motivation to seek help in therapy and you have learned from that. #3. You apparently have a loving, supportive spouse.....#4. You need to apply, right now, the perfect opportunity, what you say you learned in therapy.
FINALLY....go back and re-read what you posted because you are continuing to sabotage yourself every step of the way. Seriously.....this is not meant in criticism, but in observation, based on your own words.
You write that , " she will be released early due to bad behavior....of course, she will come back to my home.....as she has done dozens of times....."....WHY???....You are in control of who comes into your home. STOP IT!
You write, "We hoped Mother would stay in rehab long enough....".....REALLY???.....WHY WOULD YOU EVER THINK AT THIS POINT IN YOUR VERY LONG, HIDEOUS EXPERIENCE THINGS WERE DIFFERENT NOW????
You write, "she is at full assist".....OK....just let me be blunt....that means she needs 24/7 care....not something you can or even should try to provide....she needs to be in a place that can provide that care. You cannot seriously think that, as she ages, this will get any better!??
You write, "she is on the borderline economically so alternative plans other than a dump are not feasible."....Sorry, but total BS....there are always options....always....you may not like them but they do exist. Apply for Medicaid if nescessary.....just get this woman away from you.....cared for, yes.....just not by you and not in your home!
Re: Your brothers.....I don't personally believe anyone is responsible financially for their parents' well-being.....BUT, hey, that's a family discussion you can have....or not....
OK....now I will call you out....."for the first few weeks I had to be there nearly all day because of her refusal to do things....poor behavior....she blows her top if she doesn't receive daily visits....of course, she is coming home next week....".....WHAT???
Talk to the Discharge planners, Social Workers, etc....if her behavior is this bad they can recommend a hold for review by geriatric psychiatrist.....Do IT!
And engage that great, supportive hubby.....
I sincerely wish you well, Scarlett....BUT.....you need to step up and take some control .... you will have a lot of friends and fans, here, if you do....and, unlike your Mother, they will stick by you and support you....
Good Luck!!!
Don't take your mom back into your home! Let the discharge planners find her somewhere else to live. Go "no contact" with her if you need to. Look on these boards for threads about narcissistic mothers. There are loads. You've been groomed to take care of her and you don't have to do that anymore! We're here to support you in your newfound strength and freedom. Stick with us and let us know how you're doing! And DON'T bring mom back into your home!!
As for my brothers, they married very very young, and my parents helped them out ALOT, they now have their second families as both of their first wives left them and their children.
I helped care for one of the children until he remarried. They have good jobs, good businesses, and with both receive two retirements... However, in our family, I've been the scapegoat my entire life. My brothers are twins so they have a sort of special relationship.
My husband sent them a group text yesterday with regard to Mothers care and asking them to meet with us before she comes home if they would like to help Mother. They both responded and said they would get back with me but thus far have not.
My husband told them we cannot handle it alone anymore, that I'm depressed and would like to start my life now and IF she is to stay out of a facility they can help if they are willing to, otherwise we will look for another arrangement. We will see. You are very kind, thanks for your advise. You gave me some courage, I appreciate it very much.