Follow
Share

This is probably different for most as my question is not typical situation as I brought my mother to live with me from Ukraine. But I really need some advice as I am completely lost and very stressed. I am a US citizen and two years ago as the war in Ukraine started, I brought my mother to live with me. I always took care of both of my parents, I supported them financially, I organized vacations, brought grandkids to visit overseas, paid for hospital care in Ukraine, etc etc
As the war started my father passed away and I brought my mom here to live with me. I take, what I think, an excellent care of her, every weekend I take her out somewhere fun, she has her own room, a cat, a small garden, etc etc. I never used the refugee program, so I spent two years dealing with her paperwork and she finally has legitimate green card visa that if anyone knows takes enormous amount of energy and money. Even though she is 80 years old she does not qualify more Medicare for 5 years so all of her healthcare responsibilities are on me. I set her up a health insurance that I also pay for and do I need to mention I am not exactly wealthy and also am going through a divorce and personal health issues. Luckily she is in excellent health. Now the problem is she is constantly treating me to silence treatments , she did it her whole life and continue to do it here. i wanted to be an adult and sat her up and had a conversation with her explaining we don't do it here, we talk and deal with issues, but that was totally useless. She continue doing that and I never know the reasons. Once after me trying to figure things out she said " you looked at me the wrong way", she is very touchy and anything and everything makes her upset. I can offer her yogurt the wrong way or suggest we change sheets and that was offensive. This time she pushed too far. She hasn't talked to me since last December. she lives in my house, ignores me like I am not even here, I take complete financial care of her, buy food, clothes, do her laundry and she does not talk to me for the reasons only she knows. Now she approaches my kids and friends with request to buy her a ticket to go back to ukraine. Mind you she just went in October (with me sponsoring the whole trip of course) and if she hates me so much why even come back? Just to clarify, there is no war action at the region where she is from, but you never know what is next.
So she is desperate to go back and I also can not live like this as this is very disrespectful to me but I can not sent an 80 years old mother live alone overseas. We have no other relatives. Please help. Any advice is appreciated.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
If your mother is competent ( no dementia ) then you can not force her to stay with you . She is an adult and has the right to make her own decisions even if you think it’s the wrong decision .

If she is competent and wants to go back to Ukraine , then she goes back .

What you can do is inform her that you can not afford to keep bringing her back and forth . Once she goes back , she stays . You will no longer be financially responsible for her . Then the ball is in Mom’s court .
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Waytomisery has a key point here.

she is 80 years old, but you did not mention level of cognition/ dementia.

Since you have insurance, at good first step may be an official evaluation by neurologist or neuropsychologist as to whether she is competent or not to make her own decisions.

If she is deemed competent to make her own decisions, then she really can do that. All you can do is try to convince her to stay, but decision is hers.
If she is deemed incompetent to make her own decisions, thats a totally different scenario.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
BurntCaregiver Mar 27, 2024
@strugglinson

I will probably catch hell for this, but I'm going to say it anyway because I'm speaking from experience.

My first in-laws were Polish from the old country (though my FIL is half Ukrainian). The miserable negativity is legendary in this part of the world. Read any of the classic Russian writers and you will understand what I mean.

I remember when my in-laws brought grandma (babcia) and her sister over from Poland. They were my MIL's mother and aunt.

There was no pleasing them. They hated everything and everyone eventhough their life here was a thousand times better than what they had going on in the old country.
For lack of a better term, they made "friends" with some other negative, miserable old Polish women from the church we belonged to then who were exactly like them. My mother the most negative, jealous, and miserable person on earth was like a ray of sunshine compared to these women.

My poor MIL cried daily when they were here. They didn't really want to go back to Poland because they actually liked it here. They wanted to make everyone miserable and at the same time wanted everyone to beg them to stay.

No one did and they went back to Poland.

I think this may be what the OP is dealing with too.

If it turns out her mother has dementia and that's why she treats her so badly, she should put her in a nursing home.
(2)
Report
This frankly sounds to me like another passive-aggressive technique to guilt you into begging mom to stay here. My mother (old Italian) was the queen of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) tactics and used passive-aggressive techniques on me all the time, the silent treatment being her favorite.

The question with your mother is, however, what does she want from you that you've not already provided her with? Blood? She should be sincerely grateful for all you've done for her, and if not, then go home mom. If she does not have dementia, buy her a one way ticket back to Ukraine where she will be "happy" and you'll save yourself the next 20 years of financial and emotional grief. You can't and shouldn't live like this. If mother can't grow up and act like an adult, stop all the nonsense and be a helpful partner with you, then she has no business invading your life like this. Get her a full medical and cognitive workup at the doctors office asap to be sure you're not dealing with dementia before you decide what to do.

Check out this article for more clarity on mother's behaviors:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
BurntCaregiver Mar 26, 2024
Well said, lealonnie.
(1)
Report
Ask yourself this. Was your mother bending over backwards for you when you were a kid? Catering to your every demand? What would have happened if after all that you "looked at her the wrong way" and you turned on the silent treatment along with the ingrate brat treatment?

My guess is she probably wouldn't tolerate it for one second. Most parents wouldn't.
So don't you take it from her.

Tell her plainly that she has choices. If she wants to go back to Ukraine, she can go. Let her know that she is not to bother you when she needs something or wants to get out.

Or

She remains in the United States with you gladly providing everything for her good life here with one condition.
She cuts the crap with the hate-filled, ingrate, senior-brat behavior. And if she can't send her back to Ukraine.

What I think is that she doesn't want to go back to the warzone but wants to be here with you and the family. Only, she wants to be miserable and complain about it.

Never tolerate ingrate behavior or complaining. Never. She's dependent on you. Don't forget it. That means you call the shots, not her. She lives in your house, not the other way around. So you hold all the cards.

Don't play her nonsense games. There will be no begging her to stay or any of that crap. She has a choice. Clean up her behavior towards you or take her chances back in the warzone.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
lkdrymom Mar 28, 2024
I agree I think it is time for some tough love. Either she gets a one way ticket to the homeland or she stays and shows just a bit of gratitude for the good life she has been provided. She is counting on her daughter being too afraid to speak up.
(4)
Report
Please let your mother go back home. It is a shame you forgot about who your mother was before you did all these really selfless and great things to help her. Unfortunately your mother is an ungrateful woman who will never appreciate anything you do for her.

Buy her a one way ticket back to the Ukraine and do not send her another ticket back to you no matter what happens. Can you do that? If you can't then she will be back living with you in short order and making your life a living hell until she dies - which on this forum could be when she is well into her 100's.

Just because she has US citizenship doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your mental well being, your health (yes the stress will destroy that) and your life for her. The good thing is she is broke and doesn't have the money to come back to the US once you ship her back to the Ukraine.

Now the question will become - do you have the stones to keep her there and not give in when she calls crying and complaining to you? From what you wrote above about all you have done for your parents I don't know if you can do it. I think it depends on how much you want your life back.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Remember folks:
You are not required to take care of your parents.
You are not required to take care of your parents.

And don't forget:
You are really not required to take care of ungrateful parents.

Keep repeating this to yourself until it finally sinks in.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Who's back home that she knows that could become her support network - friends, neighbors? Are home health aides a thing there? If so, could you set up care for mom?

Loss, grief, can make people defensive, passive-aggressive, and just plain angry at the world on top of their usual behavior. You've done all you can and should do; now let her go home to what's familiar to her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
lealonnie1 Mar 26, 2024
"Luckily she's in excellent health."
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and all you and you country has gone through. I hope everyday that this will be over for your country, and that Ukraine,wins and finds peace.

I agree with everything burnt caregiver says

Peace be with you!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am uncertain how we could help with a relationship and interaction that you and your mom have had, as you tell us for your entire lifetimes?

You made this choice.
As first generation American you are in a hard position; the younger generation will do things, likely, the American way, while you are stuck doing things as you were raised, in the way of an entire other culture. Your mom is stuck WAY back there and you are sandwiched between.

I can only say that you chose to bring your mother here.
And you have chosen to take truly magnificent care of her, sending her on a trip home in which she can return here. Getting her legitimate status in our country.
THIS HAS BEEN YOUR CHOICE as a grownup.
We all have to take responsibility for our own choices in life.
No one changes another person.
We are who we are. Mom isn't going to change.
We have family dynamics that are UNIQUE to our own family.
We have habitual ways of acting and interacting.

My parents were loving, and most interactions were filled with love.
When, in later years, out of pain and trial, my Mom occasionally got "testy" with me I would turn it back at her full of love and humor.
For instance once I said "Before we head to the store I have to pee" and my Mom said "I HATE that word!!!"
Momentarily, inside myself the child I once was cringed in pain, and said silently "Oh, oh. Oh, OH! You just said a bad word".
But you know what? I turned it around and I said "Oh, I know you do, Mom, but nevertheless, before we leave for the store I have to pee".
I said it with fun, and my Dad sitting at the table broke out into delighted laughter.
Which led my mom to laugh as well. My dad for years after would tease if I was visiting and we were heading somewhere, saying "Does the kid need to go pee before we leave?" We made it a joke.

We come to think that harsh words parent to child, child to parent, spouse to spouse, brother to sister, have such POWER. They don't. They are a momentary lapse in what is a loving relationship.

TRY hard to turn it back to just humor and when she says "You this, or you that, or you should. or you should NOT" just say to her "I know you are right because you taught me all I know that is good and right in this world; but I just gotta live with being not so smart as you....... nor as beautiful either".
Turn it back on her with love, because, hon, you are STUCK HERE. You two might as well laugh, because there'll be plenty to cry about; bet on it.

This isn't a case where I can give my usual advice to walk away. Walk away and let the government handle it. Walk away and let your mom manage on her own.
She CAN'T manage on her own.
She never will be able to.
She is a stranger in a strange land, losing so much, already feeling like a burden to you.
And this was your choice.
This is where you are.
You can choose to ruin both your lives so long as she lives or you can find a way to love her with her limitations.

And blessings upon you for bringing your mom here and making her safe. And upon your home country.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
PeggySue2020 Mar 26, 2024
You know Alva, if moms from Kiev it’s about the same risk as Moscow or Tel Aviv getting blown off the map. Or Seoul.
With mom acting this way, I’d just offload her to Ukraine as it is hard enough to subsidize an elder with absolutely no government assistance.
(3)
Report
Sometimes elders think they want to do something, such as live with a child. When they get there, they find for one reason or another that they don't like it. It's difficult to adjust to a new life at age 80, or at any age. Some are better at it than others.

If mom wants to go back to Ukraine, let her. She may not be happy wherever she is. Also, there's the cultural thing. Human beings tend to think that their own cultures are superior. That's because it's deeply ingrained that we are members of that culture. For our own survival, it's important to believe we're in the best place when we're with our own people. We all do it.

I wouldn't want to live in a possible war zone for any reason, but your mom may want to be in her own tribe no matter what. Make it clear that once she goes back she's not returning. Worrying and planning and upsetting your life to keep her safe hasn't worked, so time to give up.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
AlvaDeer Mar 26, 2024
Because Amy said she had sent her mom on a trip back to the Ukraine, and she returned home to Amy, I suspect her mom does wish to live with Amy. However, we have two women who now want to be head of household. I worked with three Ukrainian RNs. And I found them to be STRONG as all heck and utterly DELIGHTFUL, but boy oh boy, did they want to do things their way. And were they ever strongly adamant in their opinions. I wouldn't want to be in the middle on this struggle.
(2)
Report
See 4 more replies
Me, I would tell her no problem in her going home, but she has to pay for it and plan it. With your divorce, ect you just don't have the money. Also, just ignore that she is is not speaking to you. Say nothing because thats what she wants. Oh, and I would not be doing her laundry unless it means going down a lot of steps.

Its Medicaid your Mom will be entitled to in 5 yrs. Medicare comes from your holding down a job. No work history no Social Security or Medicare. You must have worked at least 10 yrs in the US.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
PeggySue2020 Mar 29, 2024
Burnt, look up “kiev nightlife” on Twitter, or Facebook, and then look up Moscow and Tel Aviv. Even though each is in a technical war zone, life there looks as normal as any American city.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Bring her to a Doctor or another relative and sit down and Have a chat - Perhaps a social worker ? and ask " why the silent treatment ? " How realistically is it for her to go back home ? Tell her " You spent a Lot of time and Money and can't Play games , if she goes back the Last thing will be a One way ticket and you won't be able to rescue her again . " I would be angry if I were you and would probably Buy the ticket But in another few months you will Be Buying another ticket and playing rescue Mission again when she gets Lonely . Time to set a boundary - she sounds very stubborn and Is use to getting her way .
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

thank you so much all of you for your answers. You have no idea how helpful it is to get out of my repetitive debilitating thoughts circle and see a situation form a different perspective. I really appreciate all of your suggestions, and yes, many of you are right, a lot of it is cultural differences and guilt, obligation and toxic manipulation was always a part of our relationship. Which I didn't realize till a few years ago. I have a lot to think about . Very helpful forum and great thanks and best wishes to every caregiver out there!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Amy, I’m glad our advice has panned out some for you, and I’m hoping you’re open to more.

We had a poster who brought her mom from India. Her husband ended up prying this woman’s feces from her as she was confused about putting them in the toilet. We had more recently a man whose now going to divorce his Korean American wife who brought her mom not because wife won’t or can’t work but because he’s tired of driving mil hundreds of miles to “soothe” her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
BurntCaregiver Apr 3, 2024
@PeggySue

I remember that guy's post. Good for him divorcing his wife who won't work and refusing to cater to his MIL's nonsense.
He really dodged the bullet too because if he stared having kids with his wife, that would really complicate matters.

Good luck to wifey on finding her next meal-ticket to put up her and her mother.
(2)
Report
@BurntCargiver - Polish grandma story is very entertaining, thanks for that, it made me laugh, hope not offending anyone, but it's true: The miserable negativity is legendary 😄
I know I didn't give enough details, so just to clarify: my mom is truly in excellent health for what I am very grateful: she takes no medication, she walks everyday as a sport two hours in the morning at brisk pace and two hours in the afternoon, and tries to dig in the garden rest of the day. She picked up walking after she moved here and claims it cured all the ailments she has if any. I am very happy about that. She has no signs of dementia, my dad had it and I know what it looks likes. She just traveled completely by herself back and forth to Ukraine with a layover in Poland with no issues of finding her terminals or dealing with intercontinental flights and she doesn't even speak english. She can cook, completely takes care of herself etc etc. The only limitations she has living here is she can't drive and she doesn't speak English. She is neither physically nor mentally limited at any activities. I know how rare that is and wish she would just enjoy that and just stay happy, but I feel like the only time she is truly alive is when being miserable. Anyway, thanks again for listening and responding, I really appreciated all the insights.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
BurntCaregiver Mar 29, 2024
Amy,

I know how it is. My first husband came from Poland when he was 12 years old. His mother wasn't too bad, but then she wasn't that old. When her mother and the aunt came... Unbelievable. My poor FIL would get drunk out in the garage. Sometimes my MIL would join him and got help her those two had her in tears daily.

If your mom is fine mentally and physically, then she is what I like to refer to as a 'senior brat'. A senior brat is like a child one only old.

You handle a senior brat the same way you'd handle a child one.

Don't take her crap and don't cater to her.
(1)
Report
I'm glad your Mom is in excellent health at her age. But, you know that the older she gets, the odds of her staying that way start to decrease significantly. Is she really going to go back to Ukraine? If so, what is her plan when she's back there and starts to become less independent? Is there a social program for her care back there? Even if there is, who will manage it and how (different time zone, finding a local trustworthy and willing advocate for her and an intermediary for you, etc)?

If she stays here and then eventually enters decline, how will she pay for needed support (because you shouldn't and can't -- it's unsustainable)...?

Not trying to add to your stress but this is what's on the horizon for everyone, no matter how healthy they are at any given minute.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am so sorry there is war in Ukraine.
I am sorry your Mother has had to move.

I am surprised you were able to go back last Oct for a visit!

I would try some plain talking with her.

Your Mother's wish to return to live alone there, at 80ys old (in a country invaded & forced into war) is unrealistic.

That is not a practical PLAN.
It is a WISH.

Of course she will feel homesick.
Feel sad, great loss, grief.

But the can choose.
To be GRATEFUL for that visit in Oct. To be grateful that her daughter had the money, time, health & energy to take her for that visit.

Or choose to stay miserable & bitter.

She can even choose to continue to complain. You have no obligation to make her wishes come true. She may choose to harrass others for plane fares - but they have no obligation to listen or provide.

Her task is to adjust. As best she can in this very hard situation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

From what Amy has said, her mom is cognitively capable. Tens of thousands of refugees have chosen to return to Ukraine sensing less threat and the pull of homeland.

If that’s moms choice, it’s not necessarily irrational.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

In this situation, I would be ok taking a month off, and taking my Mom back to Ukraine and getting her set back up over there
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank goodness she's in good health now but unfortunately this might change, and carrying all her medical bills alone could bankrupt you and break you. I'd grant her wish for her to return to the old country.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter