He is 85 and mentally fine. He has various health issues and walks with a cane. He can be difficult and aggressive but most of the time he is fine - just frustrated with his inability to do stuff. He will have his own bedroom, living room with kitchenette and bathroom I need to discuss with him our expectations and his expectations before he moves in but need a list of things which others have found important to agree on now before he moves in with us. Can anyone help? I am 46 with lovely husband and 10 year old daughter. I work part time and we hope to get a puppy in the spring.
What a huge red flag that sends up for me, especially in the context of your 10 year old daughter!
In your shoes, knowing what I know in the context of watching elderly relatives and caregiving for the past several years, I would find a way to get dad in for a neuropsych workup to screen for cognitive decline/dementia and also a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate him for depression and untreated mental illness. Medications can work wonders in these situations sometimes.
If you think I'm over-reacting, please read some of the threads on this board about elderly parents moving in.
Another thing to think about beforehand is socialization. Find out if there is a senior center nearby and see that dad goes a few times. If he enjoys it, that's a great sign. Too many folks here end up being the entertainment committee for their elder and getting burned out from those demands.
Legal - Does he have a proper/current Will? Health care directives? Power of Attorney? If not, get him to an Attorney and make sure this is all addressed.
Finances -- Assess that he is not in debt or that you understand his finances. What will the financial arrangements be? You may have the physical rooms set aside but utilities and food costs will accelerate. What happens if you need to put in ramps or get a special vehicles to transport him? What about your increased gasoline usage for his doctor's & other errands?
Funeral - Do you understand what the plans are for his final arrangements?
Socialization - As addressed by others, this is HUGE. You cannot be his entertainment and as the years pass, appropriate entertainment will change. You will be getting older and so will your daughter. Call your department of aging/house of worship etc and find out what is available. Including transport. Discuss with him the options of socialization.
Health - Have you been added to all of his practitioners records for HIPPA? Do you truly understand his current medical situation?
Contribution to the household - in addition to financial what will his job be? Can he fold laundry? That can be done sitting down for example. Think of his capabilities and make sure he has 'work' to do. It keeps him involved and helps him use his brain.
Good luck.
Also, get a neuropsychological exam. Aggression is often an early warning sign of dementia. I would not ignore it.
Also, while ground rules and discussions sound like a good idea, they will be worthless if he has early dementia. The mind is not capable of grasping what he has said or agreed to. All promises are off and you can't reason with someone with dementia. I would read up on it, so you understand what you're dealing with.
Even though it sounds like you have a good set up for your FIL, I would probably not do it, based on all the problems I have read on this site. You are likely to encounter major changes in your lifestyle and will likely become his caretaker in the future. I would explore if that is something you really envision before making that commitment. While it seems like a rental room arrangement right now, if he becomes ill or immobile, you are likely to be the care provider. Please read what that entails here and other places so you understand that it's a huge responsibility.
Babalou and other raise some very important points.
I would also discuss with husband what would happen if. What would happen if your dad says he will do this or that, but he fails to do that after he moves in. What if after he moves in, he does get dementia. What if he become unable to walk or incontinent? I have heard it discussed as "aging in place." Is this where he is going to live for the rest of his life and if he should develop needs for assistance are you going to meet them or would some other option be available. I would discuss that now.
I would read the comments here by loving family members who have elderly parents in their home. It can be a very overwhelming situation. There are probably some great stories that we don't see on these boards.