Married 34 years
Three adult children
All finances pooled including mortgage
7 years ago he moved to another state, to another job
6 years ago he had a stroke at age 51
First couple of years was very agreeable and working to improve
Past several years he has become much less compliant and wants to argue about everything
I walk out of the room and avoid him until end of work the next day
Wash, rinse, repeat🥲
6 years is enough!
His family won’t care for him nor his parents but they’re too old now anyway
I’m retiring next year and he will lose my work related health coverage as I move to Medicare
I love him, he’s the father of our children but he’s no longer “him”
He has suffered but so have I and I’m healthy and want my final years to be good ones
What in the world am I to do?
Nobody asks for disease, illness or life changing events like strokes to happen to them. I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in Jan at 66 and given 2 months to live. Undergoing 2 immunotherapy treatments, I got into remission and given more time to live. But a toxic reaction to the 2nd treatment rendered me helpless and reliant on my husband to cook, clean, drive and care for my basic needs the past 8 months, w no end in sight. I'm awfully glad he didn't say, "I’m healthy and want my final years to be good ones" and decide to divorce me because I'm no longer the same woman he married.
You say, "I love him." Love withstands illness and disabilty, while fighting to help the spouse regain their strength. Love is unconditional until and unless abuse is involved. Inconvenience is not abuse. It's not easy and it takes patience and perseverance, God knows, but when love prevails, anything is possible.
After much intense therapy he did learn how to walk again with a brace on his right leg, and could speak a few words, but never regained use of his right arm nor could he ever read or write after that.
He was approved first try for disability, so not sure why your husband isn't on disability.
I don't know about you, but when I married my husband, it was for better or worse in sickness and health and till death do us part. I never once thought about divorcing him though I had many people I knew suggest that to me as they couldn't understand why I would stay.
But I knew that despite the upheaval in our lives and the many changes in the man that I married just a short time before his stroke, that I would NEVER leave him or divorce him as I took my wedding vows very seriously. Plus I believed that if the tables were reversed that he too would have stood by my side as well.
Of course your husband isn't the same man now that you married 34 years ago, especially after his stroke, but I'm sure you're not the same woman either.
He didn't ask to have a stroke, but that has now been the hand he's been dealt and it saddens me to read that even though you love him you just don't want to deal with him or his ongoing issues anymore.
What do you think he would have done if it was you that had had a stroke 6 years ago? Do you think he would have just thrown up his hands and said I'm done because my wife isn't the woman I knew anymore?
Or do you think he would have continued to love and encourage you to do and be your best despite any limitations you had?
No where is it guaranteed that life is going to be easy, and especially marriage, but I believe that it speaks to our character when we choose to hang in there even in the really tough times. It really does make us stronger in the end.
There are stroke support groups out there so I hope that if you haven't already that you will seek one out, before you make any major decisions that you may just live to regret.
And I like you being 12 years younger than my late husband was and still am healthy and wanted to enjoy my life best I could despite my husbands poor health, so I did.
I did a lot of fun things with my children, grandchildren and friends while still being there for my husband.
You can do both if you really want to. The choice is yours.
My husband had many, many, health issues over the 26 years of our marriage including developing vascular dementia in his final years and he died 3 years ago at the age of 72.
And as hard as things were along the way especially in his final years, if given the chance I would do it all over again for the man I loved.
But that is me.
I hope and pray that God will give you wisdom and discernment in what you should be doing for your husband and yourself going forward.
When you say he "has become much less compliant and wants to argue about everything"... what is he not complying with?
It may help you to learn different strategies to deal with your husband's behavior. Teepa Snow has very helpful videos on YouTube that will teach this to you, as a tactic until you make a decision about where this marriage is going.
His family is not obligated to care for him, nor his kids. You are the most likely person. What vows did you make when you married? If the roles were reversed, how would you want your husband to deal with your situation, one that neither of you were responsible for bringing about? I'm so sorry that his stroke took away the person you originally married.
Preventing your burnout is what you should start to focus on. Maybe talking to a therapist to help you figure out the answer to your moral dilemma. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
He may have to go to a nursing home, if he can't possibly live alone, but he might be better off. If it were me, and I knew I'd been grouchy and argumentative for a long time, having little to do with my disability, then I'd expect my spouse to leave me, too.
I knew someone in the poster's situation. She didn't leave him. She ended up dying young because she took care of him more than herself. I wish she had left him.
Permission to divorce?
Suggestions for care?
I think that your life together now seems very unhappy. Yet and all your husband is helpless in his own care if I understand correctly.
No one can give you "permission" to end a marriage; that is on you.
What can be suggested is that you see an attorney. You have options here.
I suggest you discuss with your husband.
You have options.
You can see a divorce attorney and begin division of assets and legal separation.
Then help hubby find what his assets will best afford him, be that Board and Care, ALF or Nursing Home.
A division of assets through divorce IF THERE ARE ASSETS over several hundreds of thousand and paid off home, will work in your favor. A separation can give you division of assets also, but may allow you only to keep 100,000 in assets. So it is important that you know your legal options for your own state.
I suggest you begin with a visit to either divorce attorney or Elder Law Attorney and the latter may have better financial advice for you. Do know if you have retirement assets in funds that were accumulated in your marriage, he will have a right to some of them.
At this point the question seems more financial and what is best in that wise than anything else as it sounds as tho this marriage has been over for some time.
Will he lose your medical coverage next year when you turn 65 if you DON'T divorce?
Is he on disability, get SSDI? Does that qualify him for Medicare earlier than age 65?
I know a happily married couple. He is 50, she is 65. She has hemiparesis from a stroke. Can't do a lot of active stuff. They enjoy theater and eating out together. He does hiking, exploring with friends or adult kid.
Does he need a lot of caregiving? Would he be more cooperative with aides?
Have you visited an Elder Law attorney to consider dividing assets so he can qualify for Medicaid?
Does he have cognitive loss from the stroke (quite common)?
My husbands union supplies his Medical. He received Medicare before I did. I was allowed to keep full coverage until 65 when it reverted to a supplemental.
My GF told me, she had one leg, that she could not get SS disability because of her husbands income. So, that may determine if u divorce or not, IMO. How will DH fair if u divorce? He may be able to get more resources if divorced.
A stroke will cause cognitive decline or Dementia. A personality change. See a lawyer and see what will work the best for both if you.
Once he's abused you, disrespected you, shows that he has no regard for you even though you're knocking yourself out to care for him, he's broken the vows.
Dump him. You deserve better.
A divorce attorney will most likely give you a free consultation and ideas about how to extricate yourself financially. Go see a couple of them, which will probably lift your spirits immeasurably.
Sometimes there's a way out, but we don't see our path to it because of lack of insight to understand that what we once thought was good is no longer good and can never be good again. Once we admit that, we proceed. Good luck.
Does he have dementia? Depression? If you're not sure you might want to get him evaluated. If he's become argumentative, etc. these could be explanations of his behavior.
Do you have to do a lot for him? Can you hire an aide? So you can get out and do active things while hubby is taken care of. Or start with a cleaning lady to lessen your general burden.
Best of luck.
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