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With the holidays coming up, I am in the awkward position of perhaps seeing my two sisters and their families. And it has me thinking about the future--after my parents have passed. Both my sisters have always contributed minimally to the care of my parents. In trying to accept this fact, emotionally I have moved from disappointment to resentment, and now from resentment to anger. I have seen a therapist for the past year trying to sort out my feelings about being "abandoned" by my sisters to care for and make decisions for my parents, with only my patient husband to partner with me.
There has been little to no communication between my sisters and me, and they don't ever offer to help, ask if mom and dad need anything, or just call to check in on how I am doing. In fact, my middle sister did say (via text) that she expects me to reach out to our youngest sister (who I haven't spoken to since July), because "it can't be" that the sisters don't get along. I told her, "oh, it be!" I love and miss my sisters, but I've also been very hurt by their behavior. Ignoring my parents has morphed into ignoring me and my family too.
What I want to know is will family bonds regenerate after my parents pass? In your experience, can family members reunite after caregiving ends? Do caregivers forgive and forget?
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Probably not. When both my parents passed, I lost touch with my brother. We're now estranged. I can't say it was resentment, as I was doing most of the visits when they were both ill, while he never called or stopped by. I just feel like if he wants to stay that way, then fine. I have no interactions with my brother.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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My siblings were little help to me, one mostly not interested and one making more issues than help. I spent some time being resentful, until I wised up to understanding that was only poison to me and didn’t affect them a bit. Anger was much the same. Ultimately, acceptance was the best thing I could give myself, to stop expecting either of them to be anything other than who they are. They weren’t and still aren’t changing, just as your sister aren’t. Now that our parents are gone, we are cordial, friendly enough, and just okay, but certainly not close. I don’t blame the years of our parents health decline for the poor relationships, we simply aren’t close. As for what’s possible for your family, don’t rule anything out, be open to acceptance and forgiveness, and hopefully you’ll be pleasantly rewarded. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Sorry to tell you , but in my case the answer is NO , most of my family did not reunite .

I was CHOSEN by my mother to be the caregiver for my parents . The rift between myself and siblings started before the caregiving even started , due to my parents moving near me ( in their late 70’s) and leaving siblings behind in another state .

My parents followed soon after I had moved . Siblings felt my parents chose me over them in general . The fact was my mother groomed me from an early age to be their caregiver . She admitted she followed me so I could care for them .

I have accepted that it is what it is . Do I miss having more family ? Sometimes . Then I remember how I was treated by some of them because my parents decided to move near me . I can’t change what they believe .

Every family is different and each caregiving scenario is different . It’s up to you if you can get over being ignored . Personally for me , I know I’m better off .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Whether you forgive OR forget is up to you. Some things are unforgivable. And sometimes we’re better off NOT forgiving people we don’t like anyway. Why make the effort with unlikeable (to us) people? No reason to put them back in our lives. There are plenty of likeable folks in the world. It’s up to us to find them.
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Reply to Fawnby
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You don’t get to dictate how others live their lives. You may not like their choices but quite frankly your opinion doesn’t matter here. If caring for your parents is too much then stop. Or do just what you can and that is it. Don’t be angry at them for living a life different than yours.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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I think it is sad that you made these decisions for yourself, as an adult, yet feel you should make your sisters decisions FOR THEM as well. To be honest that is neither right nor fare.
I myself would not do hands on caregiving.
I think that you have far too many judgements about the sister's choices for themselves, and they are likely well aware of them (actually if you haven't been so honest as to speak to them that ALSO isn't right). I doubt there will be a whole lot of healing and communication.
People, even siblings, move, get on with their own lives and their own families, and sometimes meet for the "proverbial feast day" because it is somewhat an obligation.

If you would like after holidays to speak with your sisters why not reach out to them and ask if you can.
I would say something to this effect:
"I am well aware that I took on this caregiving role by choice; sometimes I can't even think WHY I did. I know you have a right to your own choices. Could you share with me why you aren't more active in helping me manage any of it? Is this about your relationship with our parents, or me, or just busy lives that don't really include them, us? Is there any way you would be willing to help at all with a little respite, some grocery shopping, an appointment? Anything? It would mean so much to me. Do feel free, after discussing this, to tell me no, but I hope you will also tell me WHY, so that I know".

That's it. A bit of honesty. The truth is that they may not much like their parents, or feel that they were GOOD parents. The other side to that coin is they simply don't CARE about any of you at all. If that's the case, why would you want a relationship with them going forward.

Blood may be thicker than water, and a bit more colorful, but it doesn't count for much other than that. It's just genes. Nothing else.
Good luck. Sorry. Have as good Holidays as you can.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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No, I don't think so. I think the longer the estrangement goes on, the likelier it is to continue going on because a big gap has now been created between you.

You need to remember 2 things: you chose to do caregiving for your parents. Your sisters chose not to. Your parents could've, and still can, go into Assisted Living or hire in home caregivers rather than relying on you.

Secondly, you cannot make others give a darn about things. If your sisters don't give a darn about visiting their parents, that's on THEM, not you. You're feeling badly for your parents on their behalf, as if it's somehow a reflection on you that they don't come around? Let your grown parents take it up with their grown children instead.

You CAN reunite with your sisters if you stop expecting anything from them on behalf of your parents. Expectations breed resentments. If you feel overworked, cut down the time you spend with the folks and make other arrangements for them. Delivery of food, in home caregivers, laundry service, a housekeeper, etc. It's written nowhere that it's your job to do any of these tasks. Do only what you genuinely WANT to do w/o expecting reciprocity from your sisters. If you're able to do that, the anger and resentment will disappear and you'll revive those relationships with them.

Best of luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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