My brother is the trustee for my Mom and Dads will. My Dad passed in April and my brother had my Mom move in with him. He had a notary come to his house and made himself with my Mom’s signature make him her POA. She has dementia and didn’t know what she was signing. I was fine with it because he was taking care of her. After four months he said he could no longer care for her so she moved in with me. I asked to be on the account her SS and my Dad’s pension go into but he said no. I would need to give him receipts and nothing can exceed $100. Without his approval. I would be given $350. A month to cover food, clothes, toiletries but he would reimburse for doctor and RX co pays, depends, grooming. I asked If something happened to him how would I have access to her accounts for her care? He said a trust attorney had instructions so it would be fine. When I pushed for trust attorney contact info. He now says we don’t need one and I could use my equity line of credit until things got figured out if something happened to him. Should I just not worry about this or have something in place if needed?
My feeling is that this is all vague, he is changing his story, and changing the care arrangements after setting it up for himself. He is giving you all the obligations, and he doesn’t account to you at all. It may all be on the level, but you have no way of finding out. The disappearing 'trust attorney' is the most worrying bit.
If you are paying for all the outgoings and he reimburses you after you provide all the receipts, it would be more sensible for you to be the financial organiser yourself. It doesn’t sound good, you don’t understand the legalities (it's possible that brother doesn't understand them either), you are not safe, and neither is M.
My suggestion would be that you say that you are unable to care for M unless you have a clear understanding of the finances and the decision making. I’d take M back to him to care for until you get details. I think you probably need a lawyer to check any story he gives you.
We don't know how much dementia/cognitive impairment your Mom had when she assigned him as PoA. FYI a "principal" is able to have *some* and still meet the legal criteria for "capacity". In my personal experience with my elderly Aunt, the attorney took my her aside and privately interiewed her to make sure she had such capacity and wasn't being coerced (since I was there with her and I was going to be her PoA).
You taking your Mom in without a clear agreement or understanding was your choice. As PoA your brother should be asking for receipts, this is part of the duty of a PoA: good record-keeping and management.
Since we aren't sure what is in place right now, all I can say is that even "simple" trusts can seem complicated. Ours is set up so that our sons/trustees have the legal ability to use funds from our trust to pay for professional guidance in navigating what to do. If your brother passes before your Mom, I'm sure there are legal solutions in place (such as guardianship) that will allow someone to manage her affairs. You would need to consult with a trust banker or elder law/estate attorney for this.
You don't say how old your brother is or whether he has a health issue that warrants worrying about this. To answer your question whether you should have something in place... you have no power to do that the way (it seems) things are currently set up.
I have no power, and my brother screwed my mom over, so she can't get Medicaid or the help she needs, and expected me to do all the work. Things and understanding of what has been going on has slowly came together for me, in understanding , what is actually going on and why things are so sketchy, with my brother, and why I never get a real answer. His plan was is to have the house and his plan for mom, was for me to do all the work. Now he is mad because that plan is not working his way.
I would tell your brother, you are done doing any care for mom unless he comes clean, and is honest with you.
Margaretken , is absolutely right. She and others here, let me see how taken advantage I was . Please listen to her, you are being scammed, by the sounds of it
He hounded her until she agreed to sign. ….she was 95 with moderate dementia. She passed, he sold the house and now the court is holding the money from the sale for the past 3 1/2 years
Meanwhile keep meticulous records.
If you do not wish to do this care and this work, do consider telling brother you are resigning from the care.
You can also consider bringing APS into this. You won't be added to any accounts but they can help you if you can no longer function to give care and need to have your brother put your mother in care.
Good luck.
Do a quick search for the cost of a live in caregiver in your area. I think you will be shocked!
By the way "she did not move in with you" she was brought to you and dumped on you.
Tell him that you can no longer be caregiver and that he needs to find other arrangements by----------date.
You could also fight the POA, no attorney should have accepted the signature of a person that has been diagnosed with dementia.
2 things you should be clearly aware of is……
1. SSA does NOT allow for the monthly $ they deposit into a bank account to pay your mom as retirement income to ever be placed into a Trust. SSA requires it to be paid to the beneficiary or go through the persons representative payee IF the elder themselves did the rep pay request with SSA.
1. b. Trust is its own legal entity, has its own tax id, its own tax filings. Trust get assets put into them and if it’s a house, land, investments, they all will need to be retitled/ renamed to the name of that Trust.
2. SSA does NOT recognize POA. That POA document is bird cage liner as far as SSA is concerned.
if I were you I’d want to know exactly what the status is of Dads will and probate and this you can go online to the courthouse to see as it’s by & large open records; and then what all Bro might have moved into his name…. or placed into that “Trust” & again online courthouse search to do this via property records. If he’s throwing out “I’m now the trustee for Dad”, and there was not ever a Trust done way before dad died, imho he’s BSing you.
Hopefully AlvaDear will post her insight on Trustee / Trust as she has been a Trustee.
No POA can act to do anything about a Trust.
That is a Trustee and that is attorney work, not a simple piece of paper.
As to your being "fine " with not being paid? That is NOT fine. You are unable to work for yourself while you give care. You need shared living expenses and costs. There should be a care contract done by the POA ( bro) and you for payment. And yes, you keep and are reimbursed for expenditures for mom INCLUDING her transportation to and from appointments and etc.
If your brother is Executor and passes, you apply to be Administrator. You will get a short certificate allowing you access to her bank accts and help you deal with creditors and other things like utilities.
If it’s the second, and he’s cheating both you and M, YOU are in it up to your neck by going along with it. YOU are cheating M by not questioning it and allowing this to continue. When the chips are finally down after M’s death, you will discover the bitter truth and you will blame yourself for going along with it. Your relationship with your brother will then come to a very very nasty end.
If you don’t like the thought of upsetting B now by asking now for more legal information, just remember that if things go wrong you will be bitter, poor and resentful. And like I said, things with your brother will come to a very very nasty end anyway.
I agree the sister is being used and abused. But, I would Definitely NOT drop Mom off at Brother's so that Mom can be used and abused! He doesn't want to take care of her. But he has ensured he alone has access to her money!
This is not a good situation for mom!
Do not under any circumstances use your own money or a HELOC loan.
I learned the hard way after caring for my mom for over 4 years do not do any caregiving without MPOA & FPOA
Don't be like a lot of people and carry the brunt of care/cost of your mother when it can be made easier. She deserves to reap the benefit of a lifetime of her and your Dad's work and savings, not your brother.
https://www.ssa.gov/fraud/
Report him now and they will investigate.
Sounds like good advice here to reach out to elder law attorney, or contact SS. They would be happy to help you. An elder law attorney established my parents trust and gave complete information about all of this, was essential in understanding trust, what can be in trust etc. Best of luck with your situation.
If there is a trust it will be recorded in the county it was established. Simply search the records to find the attorney's name then contact him/her with your concerns.
We cared for my mil in our home in 2010 for the last eight months of her life. My bil (her son) was a lawyer and handled all her legal affairs. When she moved in, he insisted that we accept $1,500 a month, he said this was the accepted norm. He handled all her bills, so we had no responsibility for her finances. $350 a month in 2024 does not seem right if $1,500 was considered the fair amount in 2010.
What you describe of your brother's behavior sounds shady to me. It seems he is hiding too much important information and unwilling to share control or access to funds you need for your mother's care!
What is he planning to do with the rest of the money? Is he assuming it is his right to pocket the money?
And, what if your brother died or became incapacitated? He wants to leave it for you to figure out later. And the suggestion that YOU get a loan until it gets figured out?! That is not a good plan!
Honestly, when I go back and re-read what you wrote, your brother sounds like an experienced manipulator. Having mom move in with him for four months, while he took over her finances, then discarding her is highly suspicious to me!
Get advice from an attorney!
I don't mean to sound abrasive, but what is your brother's motivation for this? Is he a controlling person? Is he posdibly a dishonest person? Does he believe you were irresponsible with money in the past?
I don't mean to judge. You should not dip into your own money for your Mom's expenses. Ever! His statement that his trust attorney was involved, then saying you won't need one makes me think he's telling lies then changing his story when pressed. Get an attorney consult on whether what your brother is saying sounds right or is BS. Also what to plan for in the event your brother cannot act as your Mom's POA, other than using your line of credit while figuring things out. Maybe the best thing is for you to suggest using your Mom's money to pay for a really nice memory care facility. Good luck.
The POA is empowered to make certain medical and financial decisions on behalf of someone is cannot make their own decisions. Sometimes medical and financial POA are two separate people. A trustee manages the living trust and all of its assets. The executor comes into play after a death to make sure that the provisions of the will are followed.
In my family, POA and trustee roles were triggered while both parents were still living, but unable to manage their own affairs. After my father's recent death, we set up a post-death meeting with their attorney to make sure that proper steps were followed. Everything went to my mother, so there wasn't a lot to do as executor other than claim his life insurance, transfer some investments to the trust, and notify his pension plan and social security. I was surprised to learn that in our state, wills don't need to be filed with the county.
The first step that your brother (and your parents) skipped was to provide you with a copy of the will and trust so you knew for yourself in advance what your parents wanted. The second was a post-death meeting with the lawyer that drafted their documents so that you had a clear understanding of how things should be handled.
At this point, I would demand that your brother provide you with a copy of your parents' will and trust, and hire an eldercare lawyer to go over it with you. If he refuses, you should still meet with an eldercare lawyer to discuss your options. Make your brother aware that if he doesn't provide you with the contact information you requested, you will proceed without his cooperation. Your mother's trust should cover any legal fees.
Yes, of course you need to have all these legal documents in order.
Do not wait until something happens and you do not have legal protection(s) - for everyone involved.
I do not understand why your brother is calling the shots.
Isn't this a group / family need / decision making?
"Without his approval ..." doing something like that seems to me to be a problem in the making although perhaps I don't know who the 'his' (approval) is. Is this your brother?
I wonder why you say you need(ed) to "pushed for trust attorney.
Why the pushing ?
Why don't you just call one and set something up?
I do not understand your role in this and if you are taking a passive role / back-seat.
No, there is no 'have something in place if needed?' - It is NEEDED and it the time is NOW.
Waiting for the if needed means you are not prepared for when it is needed. Or perhaps I do not fully understand why things are managed / going as they are now. (I don't see / understand the big picture). Gena
The truth us that you both have a lot to lose if you can't make this work. If she can't live with you then she's got to live somewhere and then all those assets will just go poof! So you actually have a lot of leverage here and remember that as you try to work things out.
You need to contact an atty and explain what you did here. At the very least you should be a co-owner of the bank acct and all other monies so that both of you can see what is coming in and going out. This would keep both of you honest, so to speak.
To tell you to use an equity line of credit (on your own home, I assume) 'while things get sorted out' is nuts! You may find out after the fact that he took it all and didn't leave mom enough to continue with her care and you'd be using money you will likely need at some point in your life.
i suspect your Mom gets way more than $350 a month after taxes, from Social Security and pension.
I would get an elder attorney to sort out the facts now, before she goes even deeper into dementia.
...and no, a line of credit that you are taking out on your credit history, is not a good idea. Your Mom's finances should be able to cover her own expenses. If it isn't enough, she should qualify for Medicaid to be able to have enough funds to survive. You should not be forced into debt because you are taking care of your Mom.
I really smell something "fishy"....see if you can get help through the legal aid referral for your state. Since you are taking care of her, you should know her current financial situation so that you can make the best decisions, regarding her care.
P.S. Since your Mom and Dad were getting a pension, who took care of their taxes? Someone will need to do that for 2024....