Follow
Share

My mother and brother who was 67 year old were roommates and he died 7 months ago. She thinks that he is still in the hospital and keeps asking me to bring him back. I keep telling her that he is unwell. I have been lying to her to save her from agony. She is getting frustrated. Any advice?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

55 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
It depends on how far gone her dementia is.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
She has dimentia and I keep having to repeat everything I say several times. She doesn't remember after a second.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
She is very agitated person and shows severe reaction to anything that is upsetting.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Was your mother ever told that your brother has passed away?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Oh dear zeenna
So sorry for the loss of your brother

I personally wouldn't tell her - my mom couldn't stand the thought of her favorite niece being in the hospital so no way I told her when she passed

My brother recently had a bad accident and is in rehab now, but I wouldn't mention it to her at all even if things got worse

Dementia or not, after a certain age, there's no need of bad news
Helpful Answer (16)
Report
My mom was never told about the death of my brother.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I agree with MsMadge. My only worry would be if some other family member tells her - so perhaps let everyone know of your decision. If she hears it from someone else - she could be very upset. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and to hear about Mum too. Love and hugs to you. xo.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Your mother has the right to mourn for her son. Death is part of life. You can remind her that he has fallen asleep, and assure her that he is "sleeping" and how Jesus, himself, spoke of death as just "sleeping".

I had to tell my mother her sister died and she took it quite hard. But by the time we left the Nursing Home, she was fine.

I know it's hard on you to tell your mom this. Because it will be hard to watch her mourn. But you shouldn't take that right away from her. She will only get worse and think you are hiding something from her (which you are) if you keep denying her any type of logical answer as to why her son can't at least "call" her on the phone. How long can you go on not telling her?

You will eventually need to tell her, or eventually it will come out. You should have really told her about it when your brother died.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Please tell your mom.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
From my own personal experience with my mom's dementia, absolutely not!
The heartache would kill her to know that her baby (50 years young) has passed. I have his son call her at times and she thinks it is him. I keep him alive for her sake. At 91 with dementia, my intention is to keep her safe, sound and at peace. She will see him again on the other side.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
From my own personal experience with my mom's dementia, absolutely not!
Zeenna2002 ~ First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I know it cannot be easy losing your brother and taking care of your mom. From my own personal experience with my mother, the heartache would kill her to know that her baby (50 years young) had passed. I have his son call her at times and she thinks it is him, which gives her peace. I keep him alive for her sake. At 91 with dementia, my intention is to keep her safe, sound and at peace. She will see him again on the other side.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
This is incredibly difficult. And I'm afraid it's also one of those situations without a good option.

I can understand that you want to spare your mother the pain and grief of losing a child. Of course. But at the moment she is experiencing the pain, fear and frustration of not seeing her child and having no idea what's happened to him. That's not hugely better, is it? And you're lying to her, which is stressful and miserable for you. And there is a possibility that the news will reach her from other sources, which will confuse the bejasus out of her and potentially threaten her trust in you.

I would try once, very carefully, preferably with back up from a chaplain or other experienced bereavement counsellor. And for heaven's sake be vague about when it happened - do NOT 'fess up to the deceit.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
"The truth shall set you free". I would never advocate a lie over the truth. A lie is terrible for all involved. Don't fall for the idea that you are protecting her. You are also not sparing yourself any challenge of watching her grieve. I believe you asked this question, because inside for the last 7 months you have carried this heavy burden of a lie and your soul knows it is wrong. Death is part of life and she deserves the truth. God Bless you and your family.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Use your judgement. This is really a case by case decision. I have told my mother when she asks "where's Joey" that he is in heaven. He's there with dad and they have formed a bowling league. She likes this. Sometimes I say "you tell me" and she'll answer heaven, maybe say "such a shame" and we will move on. You have to trust your judgement.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
I don’t think you should tell her, but like Caterinaloe says, it’s a case by case decision. My mom has dementia and her short term and some long term memory is gone. There is no way I could tell her that my brother passed. She wouldn’t remember and I’d have to tell her over and over and each time she’d be upset and so would I. My mom doesn’t remember my dad’s death and it was 23 years ago. She gets frustrated at not remembering the passing of anyone. When she asks about my dad I give the best answer I can to the question without upsetting her. I’m sorry about the loss of your brother. It’s a tough situation with no clear answer.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I have to agree with those who think it’s time to tell her, but be vague as to when it happened. My mother is almost 97 in early dementia. It always amazes me how easily she accepts death, which is all around her. Every friend, sibling, and in-law has preceded her. Most recently, I learned that my father’s youngest sister had died and her children, our cousins, never notified the rest of the family. My mother asks several times a year if anyone had heard from Aunt Pat, and when I told her that I had accidentally learned that she had passed, well over a year ago I was amazed by how easily she took the news. So, they can surprise us and their reactions may not be the same as our own.

On the other hand, my sister walked out on my mother after a spat 5 years ago and disengaged from the family entirely. My mother has selective memory on the spat and does not understand what she did that was bad enough to make my sister leave, and she will take the pain and frustration of that to her grave. That is so very sad! I sometimes think it would have been easier for her to deal with the grief of my sister dying than the pain of the unknown.

Finally, your mother is 91. She may have dementia, but if her heart and other organs are strong, she could live for another 5-10 years! Are you and your nephew prepared to keep the lie going for that long?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I have had a similar spot. My dad is in the nursing home and two months ago this sister, who is had not seen for 50 years was also put in the same place. They were able to eat together and do activities together. This was great they had each other after all these years. She passed last week and my dad has been asking about her. We have been telling him that his sister went home.
He does not understand most of the time where he is at so I think he accepts what we are telling him.
Each family situation is different. You have to do what is best for your mom
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Read below
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I would not say anything it may cause a traumatic experience for her and a downward spiral of her health. I went through the same thing. My sister passed away of colon cancer. We told my mom she was in rehab and did not have a phone and that it would be a long recovery. My sister passed away in February and my mom passed away in July. My sister when she got cancer did not call my mom as she said it would be too difficult for her and she would cry and she did not want to upset my mom. So that was how the story went. Very sad that she never had last words with my mom. One more thing it is the hardest thing in the world for a mother to loose a child. There are many reasons that even professionals would probably say no, and the first is in my first line. This is my opinion and I have had experience with this may times over. My mom was a strong lady, but this would have killed her sooner and destroyed her emotionally. 
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Does your mom has dementia, or alzheimer's disease? If so, she may not even remember when you tell her and she may continue asking. When you brother died, did your mom not attend his funeral? Other than emotional pain, was there another reason why she was not told? I believe in telling the truth, particularly when someone dies.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I never think it is right to not tell a family member...a mother..father..sister..brother..etc..that a family member has passed away..especially when they ask..it puts closure..and allows them to pay respect to the loved one...when my mother passed..her best Freind kept asking about her...her daughter in law didn't want me to say anything to her as she determined that she could not handle knowing...I eventually told her...and she was so thankful...being at an age that she understood death...was a mature woman..mother ...deserved the respect...not a child..and was also reaching that point herself in life..We had a very nice talk ...the elderly ...are not as frail as the young...think they are ...and if she has dementia...cannot remember...well..at least she was told.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Yes, I had to tell my stepfather in nursing home for a month after a stroke that my mother had died of cancer since his own daughter refused to do it--but wanted me to do so. He cried, but never mentioned her again. I would say his dementia got worse, but hard to say as stroke had left him unable to speak. He lived 15 months after the news.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
The answer depends on how far gone she is with her dementia. My grandmother is 92 on Friday. She thinks that her parents and her husband and sister are still alive. She has really detailed dreams and thinks that she has visited her family. We play along with her and talk about what they have been doing and when we saw them last. If we bring up that they have passed then she gets really upset. We asked her if she knew her age and she said 91 and then asked her how old her mom was. She looked really confused like she understood that something did not add up. After that we just talk to her like we are in her world of reality. If you mom is able to retain information then she does need to know but if not why upset her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
As a mother, I would be VERY angry if I were not told my son had died. You say your mother is getting anxious and frustrated about not seeing her son. She may suspect something is very wrong, and so that is making her upset. That may make her suspicious of everyone if she thinks information is being withheld from her. She has every right to know. Give her that dignity as a mother and tell her as gently as you can so she can get some peace for GODS SAKE!!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
ABSOLUTELY. As a mother I would be VERY angry and disappointed if I suspected something had happened to my son (as your mother seems to be) and NO one told me. It would make me very suspicious and distrustful of my family going forward. Tell her gently but TELL her. It is the right thing to do.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
We had a similar situation with my mother: She remembered that my brother had died, but kept asking for my dad. Initially we hedged, but then told her that he had died. Her attitude was, "So what? His being dead is no excuse. I still want to see him." So now we go with an approach suggested by our pastor: When my mother asks where Dad is, we tell her that he is with us although we may not be able to see him, and that she can talk to him any time, although she may not be able to hear what he says back. Works for her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I can understand your not wanting to see your mother grieve, especially if she has dementia and will be grieving over and over every time you tell her. But as a mother, I would want to know the truth. If I were constantly thinking that my son was in the hospital, I'd be extremely worried and upset that I couldn't do anything to help him. If I found out that my relatives lied about such a thing, then I'd be very angry and no longer trust them. It would make my death that much more difficult.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Does she go to a neurologist? I would run it by him. This is such a catch 22. I may tell her once but not again. I guess you have told her is very sick and will not be able to come home. As the desease progresses she will forget him.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
IMHO, I would never withhold that information. That's her child...
She is obviously upset now, so at least she will have closure.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
First of all, my heart goes out to you.

If she is in assisted living or a nursing home, the first person I would talk to is the unit social worker or family liaison. This person can help you decide on whether your mother should be told--and if she is told, how to go about doing this in a compassionate and caring manner. They'll put together a game plan and make sure all her caregivers are on the same page of the playbook.

If she is being cared for at home and has an elder care coordinator--which can be either a social worker or a nurse--I would talk to that person about this. Having someone who has professional training, who is familiar with what's wrong with her and what she might be able to handle is invaluable. That way, if you decide to tell her, you have backup and a plan in place for what to do if she takes the news badly.

If you are handling her care and don't have a social worker or nurse to talk to, I would advise you to use your best judgement. Trust yourself and whatever you decide to do will be done with her best interest in mind.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Is she aware that he no longer comes to see her? Because I don't know which is worse, thinking he doesn't want to see her or knowing he is dead. With dementia, there is no way of knowing how she will take it or understand it or how long she will remember.. I am sorry about your brother.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter