My husband has had many setbacks -health-wise -mainly physically for the past 2 decades. The past 4 yrs. we've struggled, following his surgeries , over managing our lives with him, off & on, losing the use of his legs and his arms to the fullest degree. I have mentioned many times , even to family members, how much I am literally his arms & legs for him, over caring not only for him, but also managing our household, pet-care, etc.. I find that most of those our same age , as older adults ,seem more competitive and show off all their fun times and activities which I compliment them over, but they still do not care to include any traveling to our home, but to everyone Else's, even distantly related. Many of them can really only do so, themselves, by "there but by the Grace of God , go I". We do a lot-despite the setbacks, & ongoing pain on the part of my spouse. We enjoy the great outdoors together & sometimes with friends or a family member who live near by. We keep our home nice , clean, and accommodating & there's always something to do here . I do not understand, however, why, instead of coming here to join us & be of some help , even spiritually, the family members that do travel will go spend time over more complicated , distant relatives , even further away than our location., then later rant at me all about Their Issues , which are fairly dire , & really Uninteresting lives, & completely ignore that they treated us like we are not worth their while to come visit us . I have invited them many times , & continue to do so , but it's been years now since they've bothered to join us at our home. Meanwhile, we Do have some that have come here a few times now, & are very appreciative & they were too, of the hospitality & good times we had together. I just don't get where their heads are AT , however, when , instead of wanting to be with us, they seem to enjoy flaunting all their activities they do together with spouses who Can still walk & lift things , in my face -like Life is a big competition-so much so , they see No value in considering keeping us company , or coming to see Us , at least once, in what's been years by now. Sadly, some of our grown children are also like that -just really ignoring us & our need for Family-even just a visit, now & then. I am wondering if all this is fairly common, while I at least do fairly well at coping with it. I remain grateful for what & who I do have in my life & the main thing is -we Do still have each other - & so I at least don't obsess over those who, sadly treat what's supposed to be their Golden Years , like its; just a big Contest. I, myself also have limitations, as so much time& energy goes into our care. I take care of what needs doing, then treat myself well in moments to myself. Perhaps my spouses physical ailments are not what's holding them back. It may be due to a lifetime of our being on opposite ends of a spectrum. Sadly-we do go to where They will gather , at times, but they no longer care to come to where we are. I suppose that's their loss & more often we end up with some of whom we'd least suspect would be interested in joining us! Really-we're doing okay-and what they do over relationships, is really quite sad, and so insecure. They just do NOT seem to want to understand at all what it's really like to be in our shoes to the point that it's hard to believe they are one's own close relations or friends.
People are frightened by illnesses. While they may feel some sympathy, the unfortunate truth is that the human animal quickly moves right to "What if this happens to ME???"
So I would say what you are experiencing is common to some families more than to others. Those who have endured any suffering will have grown genes for empathy.
I will tell you, and it seems borne out in your family, that people are made very uncomfortable around illness. The very word "cancer" sends them into a tail spin until they GET it, and then realize that like everything else, it is a word, and life goes on. You have worried; you move through them; some days are great; some not so much.
I would say families who remain congregated in the same area and see one another often are more comfortable around the changes involved in chronic illness. Those who are father way are often loathe to travel TO it when they are so uncomfortable around it.
As to people foisting their marvelous lives on you? Keep conversations short. Stay off social media. Over this long amount of time you surely know here who you wish to be around and who you do not?
Stop trying to figure them out and figure out your own life instead. Gather round yourself those who are loving and caring, and enjoy them and your own life. The others seem determined to just fade away. LET THEM. No reason to look at their family vacation pictures. Those are all boring as anything no matter WHAT the back story is! You are well out of having to watch pictures of Irma and Dan at miniature golf, or hanging over the Grand Canyon Overlook. Aren't you?
Take care. Remember, this is not about THEM. This is about you, your hubby and those in your immediate circle. TREASURE THEM ALL. Forget about the rest. And for goodness sake, stop asking for them to visit you! Why in the world would you want them there?
On top of that , friendships come and go. Most friendships I've heard last about 7 years, people change and move on. Retirement also changes people, I've lost a few friendships, because I have a hard time dealing with people that drink to much. Also caregiving changes you, I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, the little things my friend chat about are so silly to me, sometimes.
We have some good friends, we all love each other very much, when we get together, we have an amazing time. We really don't see much of each other, but if any of us 4 needed something, any of us would be there, yesterday. Those are true friendship, that I really cherish, just because we don't get together often doesn't end are caring for each other. Life is just busy. Maybe you have more of those kind of friends than you realize.
It sounds like you need more socializing, I know you take care of your husband, but maybe you could get out go to the library more, or join a class of some kind.
I Do question WHY I would keep inviting "those people" . Perhaps because -they happen to be Siblings .
Also, I'd feel that if I visited you, knowing all your difficulties, I'd be too much trouble. I wouldn't want you to have to change your routine to do more laundry on account of me, or cook more because I'm there, etc. As a caregiver myself, I know how difficult it can be to have guests. I mostly wish they'd stay home so I could use any spare minutes to take a nap! An hour visit is just about right. And I not-so-fondly remember friends who wanted to stop in to see my stroke victim for "a little while" and stayed for more than FOUR HOURS. And THEY BROUGHT THEIR DOG!! I was exhausted because I'd been up all night, but they never even thought that I might not be up to their visit because they'd never known anyone who was caring for a stroke victim before. Stroke victim was not too happy with it either.
Anyway, just my 2 cents.