My father thinks we are all being brainwashed by the doctors because there is nothing wrong with him. We transferred him from a geriatric hospital straight to a high care nursing home a few months ago without being able to discuss it with him as he was too delusional at the time. Covert drug intervention and excellent care from the nursing home has improved him out of sight (physically and mentally) but now he is asking questions about when he is going home and how he is going to get out. We told him about his brain damage and he now is trying to prove to us he is ok by reliving his horrific childhood and blaming that on his condition ("my alzheimers is a special kind"). He personality has always been abusive and narcissistic and the medication has been a blessing. I hate to see him tortured but he begs us every time we go not to believe the doctors but to believe in him. He seems to have a bit of short term memory because he remembers our visits and talks about them with my other siblings. But he can't answer or use a phone, pees in a cup because he can't work the toilet out, wears a nappy, can't dress himself easily, can't find his way back to his room without visual cues, forgets our names sometimes and the names of foods and places. We want to be there for him and bring him the things he needs but I can't go through this every time I visit because I don't have the answers. I think I am going crazy because he brainwashes me every time I go in there. It would be my worst nightmare to feel wrongly imprisoned with no one to understand me and that's what wakes me in the middle of the night! Anyone got any ideas on how to get it through to dad that he needs to be in a nursing home? PS. I live in Australia, I couldn't use our zip codes on your profile set up.
Your reaction is understandable, but it is your reaction that is making this so hard for you. You have to deal with yourself as well as your father. You cannot know for sure that he feels wrongly imprisoned and that no-one understands – many elders in care have this or another conversation that is repeated endlessly and seems to be the only thing they can think of to talk about. You know that it is not true – he is not unjustly imprisoned and you do understand. You are doing the best for him that you can. You have to tell yourself just what you are telling him.
Try to plan for something pleasant to do and think about after your visit – don’t go to bed worrying about this. If you wake in the night, plan what you are going to think about. My method is to tell myself the plot of a book or a film. It’s better than worrying even if you don’t go back to sleep, and with luck you will.
You have my sympathy, and I hope that you can get past this difficult stage, for both your sakes.
It might be helpful to have some prearranged responses, that keep him happy and yet allow him to continue under care. Having him accept the diagnosis, really has no long term benefit that I have seen.
I used to discuss tests and therapy with my LO. It seemed to reassure her if she had questions when I responded that we were looking into all things, doing more tests, waiting on tests results, getting a second opinion, relying on her physical therapy, waiting for meds and vitamins to kick in, etc. I assured her that things would get better, she would be cared for until they did. So, that satisfied her. Her brain was not capable of accepting such negative news and if it had gotten through, she would forget. In fact, she did forget that a Neurologist and her Primary diagnosed her with dementia in their office weeks earlier. But, she forgot about it, so, it would have been pointless to keep going through that every day. Instead, she thought she was improving and was content.
Also, if your dad is rather anxious. I'd discuss meds with his doctor for anxiety to see if that will help.
I might consider making him happy and content and not focus on him understanding his condition.
It took our Dad (who is 90) 5 months to finally start doing things in the nursing home.
We found he was cooperative when we weren’t there. When one of us visited, it was like a switch flipped on, and he would get very angry.
He would say he was going home, and we could not keep him there. That everyone knew how we lied to “Put him away”
Some of us siblings do not visit because he reacts more aggressively to some than others.
We do not judge each other. Each of us does what is needed for our own well being. One of my sisters had to take Xanax before visiting. She finally decided it was too stressful for her and Dad, so she doesn’t visit.
My advice is to keep the visits short, do an activity with him, like walking around the facility, or playing a card game. I took some fresh strawberries and a lottery ticket. Another time I took an ice cream bar.
My heart goes out to you, all you can do is know he is safe and has structure,