My mom said, “never put me in a nursing home”. She’s 89 now and had a stroke affecting her memory. She was a cruel mother, physically and emotionally abusive. When she had the stroke I moved in with her. I do everything for her. She is depressed, and has been most of her life. There is an absence of joy, regardless of my efforts to rouse her. Consequently, my health is suffering. I’m not sure how long I can maintain. I’m unhappy and there is no relief. My brother is estranged and has been for 15 years, because of her behavior towards him. It’s a dysfunctional family. I am the eternal daughter, unfortunately. What can I do?
This is not a want , this is a "need" she needs to be mentally healthy, and physically healthy,
This is not a want it's a human NEED
But your responses are “there’s history, it’s complicated” and I’m sure it is! But neither of these issues can stop you from changing the situation.
Sadly, it’s apparent that you will never leave and will choose to keep suffering.
Saying anything that could possibly be perceived as slightly negative, immediately illicits hateful strife from both my FW and almost all of the family members. So I've learned to be very guarded about what I say around them. Which is one of the reasons I'm glad I found this forum. The family did have a quick tempered man in it, which I believe is where some of the kids lost their ability to control the filters between their brains and their mouths. Also, they are going through their own grieving process and their normalcy bias hasn't come fully to grips with the seriousness of the situation.
But in the mean time, I do feel very isolated here in this season of my life.
If she is making it difficult, or verbally yelling or abusive now, backbiting, obstinate or in general making caring for her difficult, that is a whole other scenario.
Walk away! Call Adult Protection Services and tell them that there is a vulnerable adult and that you are not willing/able to give her the care she needs.
You owe your abuser NOTHING. Her demands are her problem, not yours.
Failure to plan on her part does not equal obligation on your part.
I hope you will love yourself enough to stop the madness immediately. You deserve to live your life your way!!
i wish you all the best and will be praying that your situation is soon rectified in your favor!!
If you end up very ill your mother will end up in a ‘ nursing home ‘ anyway .
I do hope you place your mother before your physical and/or mental health suffer more .
In the meantime can you use Mom’s money to hire help to come so you get breaks ?
Oh yes, please put in me in a nursing home when I get old and can't care for myself, said no parent ever(except for perhaps me, because I experienced first hand the stress and strain of caring for my late husband, and have told my children that they will never have to do that kind of care for me nor will I ever let them).
It breaks my heart how many times I have had to say this on this forum, but here I go again. NO child that was ever abused in any way by a parent should EVER take on the care of that parent. Period. End of sentence.
It is too mentally damaging to the child and they have been damaged enough.
Your brother is the smart one in this situation as he knew better than to even come close to this situation, and I say good for him.
Now we just have to get you as smart as he is.
It's now time to tell your mom that you can no longer care for her and that she's going to have to be placed whether she likes it or not. And of course she's not going to like but at this point, who cares?
You must do now what is best for you and your mental health and if that means mom gets placed, well so be it.
Time to put your big girl panties on girlfriend and take your life back. You'll be so glad you did when it's all said and done.
I suggested a facility as she needs one. "No. She's adamant about not going in one. " I suggested a caregiver. "Well, you should know, she doesn't want anyone in the house that she doesn't know ". Everything was an excuse, meaning, tag. You're it.
I did what I could. Got her help. She got rid of it and I stopped running down there every time they asked.
Now, aunt has a caregiver, and I have my freedom and life back.
I learned to stop being a pushover and realized I couldn't take this on and all of them just had to deal with it.
Get her arse into managed care immediately. That's what you can do!
You have to put your health first or you might meet the same fate.
Its time to place her. Her care is becoming too much for you. An abused child should never care of the abuser. If she doesn't have money, then you apply for Medicaid. If you have been her Caregiver for at least 2 yrs, you maybe able to stay in the home.
You tell her a therapeutic fib that she has to go somewhere "temporarily" -- and you don't pay for it, she does. Then don't visit her unless you really want to or it makes you happy to do so.
Refusing to orbit around your abuser is called Poetic Justice. By putting her into a NH you both get what you deserve here on earth.
May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move on with a healthier life.
We placed our mother in the same NH last August because she could no be alone any longer and did not have enough money to pay for 24/7 care. She died in June. She was cruel too. She was an abusive bully.
Placing them was the right thing to do.
It was the most ugly miserable chapter of my life. It is not over yet but it is getting easier with my mother gone and their house being sold.
If you can’t do it any longer then you should not. Don’t feel guilty, it is not your fault that she is old. She could linger a long time like my parents did.
Or simply tell her that this living arrangement is not working out , and that it is too much for you to do .
You can call the County Area Agency for Aging . Look on you county website for the number . Ask to speak to a social worker . They will come out and do a needs assessment to determine what type of care she needs whether it be assisted living or SNF ( nursing home ) . The social worker can be there with you to drive home the fact that you will not be the one doing 24/7 care anymore .
Your mom groomed you at a young age to be her caregiver, now you have to deprogram yourself, so you can take your life back!!
Therapy is a good place to start but expensive and your probably busy caregiving, so if you can't go to therapy, I would start by reading everyones stories on here, read some self help books, my favorite is , codependency no more, by Melody Beattys. Read up on dementia anything you can find. Educating yourself on everything is power.
You need to find away to find your happiness and peace of mind before it effects you physically, caregiving cause PTSD it changes your brain chemistry. Expesially long term in a disfuctional family.
There is help , you took the first step reaching out to people that have been there
Based on fear. Of handed down tales (or memories) of dank, dire, smelly old places.
Modern assisted living is not perfect. Far from. But usually much more pleasant, with more light, less odours, activities & a cafe or garden.
Visit some. Research costs.
Options. Mom can;
A. Stay at home, completely independant until the day she passes.
B. Age at home, hiring all the help she needs in her home.
C. Move into a care home that supplies the support she needs.
Note: There is no option called Adult Children must provide all care with their own hands or finances. That would be *wishful thinking*.
IF adult children do provide this it is a GIFT, freely given, for the time they choose to.
You are not powerless. In fact, you have all the power.
You aren’t resigned to anything. You don’t have to do a damn thing she expects you to do.
Get her placed somewhere decent and start healing the wounds she inflicted.
As a grown woman, you get to choose how you live, not your (abusive selfish cruel and inconsiderate) mom.