Sorrynotsorry Asked February 25, 2026
Does anyone else get anxiety when thinking about growing older because of witnessing their parents horrible decline?
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my mom is in assisted living but is in bad shape and is experiencing scary hallucinations and paranoia . She is 95. I have zero interest in lasting that long. Everytime I call her or take her to her appointments, visits , pick up and deliver her laundry , etc I feel so depressed. I have no relationship with her like most mother daughters because she was a very unkind parent . I never bonded with her , but I still feel bad for her because she is so stubborn and is refusing to see a doctor for medication for her hallucinations and paranoid delusions . She is bent over , can’t hear unless I get right in her good ear , and has lost most of her vision. No thank you
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For example there are medications that could help your mother so much with the hallucinations and delusions. If she was in memory care, a doctor or nurse practitioner could see her there and prescribe them for her, and the staff would bring them to her instead of her managing them herself. Can the assisted living do her laundry, and take the extra work off your list?
This does sound stressful and depressing. I'm sorry you're dealing with it.
Let her facility take her to her appointments and do her laundry, as you now have to take care of yourself. And only call her once a week as well if that will help you. Her facility will call you if there is a true emergency.
We're all going to get old if that is God's will for us, but there's no need to be anxious about it, as every day the Good Lord gives us is a gift and is meant to be enjoyed, best we can, so get out there and start enjoying your life as we only get one go round in this world.
I’m hoping not to be . I don’t treat my children badly now . So I have hope of being cooperative . My Mom was a lifelong difficult narcissist then developed dementia .
My grandmother got dementia but was very cooperative .
My Mom is 96 and still in denial about the fact that no one gets to stay here forever. The other day she was lamenting her condition so I asked her if she was ready to go. She said yes, then I said, "So, you are a DNR then?" and she got all flustered and said well she wasn't ready *just* yet. Oy vey. How much readier does one need to be? Her sister just passed last year at 105 with all her mind. She kept saying she was beyond ready to go but after her stroke and while she was receiving the morphine and Ativan, I could see what I think was fear in her eyes. She may not have been spiritually ready. This is the prep I need for myself. We all talk a big line about "just take me out back and shoot me if I ever get that bad" but that's not how it ever goes down.
I work on having acceptance about my physical abilities (the decline thereof), my perforating memory, etc. I have to remind myself of what I believe is my Christian mission no matter how old I am. Having this sense of purpose will always be critical to me at any age. If I can't do anything else, if I become blind, deaf and bedridden I can still pray if I have my mind. If I don't -- then it is what it is.
I agree with the fear of treating my children poorly. I tell them all the time that if I get mean they should put me in a facility and not feel guilty about it.
Sorrynotsorry, I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey with your Mom, and yourself.
Mother was physically good until she was 100. She had life long Borderline Personality Disorder and then developed dementia. She declined and lost mobility as the vascular dementia progressed. The BPD was the worst. Mother did not want drugs for her hallucinations either. She was about 101 then. A psychiatrist put her into a geriatric/ psychiatric hospital, and it took 9 months for them to get her to take the drugs, which helped a lot. She lived to 106.
I don't have that and am good to my family, but who knows what lies ahead. I can only hope that if I develop dementia I don't get too difficult and my kids have some understanding. They know I will go into a facility when I need to.
Geaton, I agree -as long as we have our minds to some degree we can pray even if we can't do much else.
What I have done, is I have made sure, to the best of my ability, that I will not have to depend on any family member to care for me.
I purchased Long Term Care Insurance while I was caring for my Husband because I did not want to expect the same from family.
I am in a Handicap Assessable house that I purchased after my Husband was diagnosed knowing that I would need it for him eventually. I can age into this home and if needed there is plenty of room for a Live in Caregiver.
I have pre paid for my Funeral and made the arrangements that I want. (I do have to get a refund, they charged me for "hair and make up but it will be closed casket so I see no need for either🤣)
I recently made changes to my Will and changed my POA's and updated the Trust.
I have told my POA for Health that I want no extraordinary measures and I will have a POLST signed next time I am at my Dr.
I am not anxious at all.
The best one was when she was hours away from passing when I came to see her for the last time. She knew what was happening, was at peace and welcomed it. Maybe she was on some "happy" drug, but I know she never had a fear of death. To her it was more like another adventure.
. She refused mental health help. She complains bitterly about her situation and tells me I will end up like that one day. Well, no. I take care of myself far more than my mother did. I also am saving for my future, something mom bragged about far more than she actually did. Yes, we may go deaf and blind, but we don't have to end up bitter and miserable. That's a choice. I've known people in bad health to be happy and content until the end. I hope to live to 100.
I'm sorry that you didn't have a good relationship and that she was not a good mother. But I do want to recognize you for taking care of her anyway. She should be thankful but I assume she is not. She may not have the capability to be thankful due to personality disorders or whatever the case may be (sometimes people are just jerks) that led to her being an unkind parent.
Sometimes I do feel anxiety like you describe. I've found myself thinking practically about what I can do to head some of the potential problems off, as having a plan makes me feel better. The thing is, any one of us could become disabled at any time, in so many different ways. This is just a risk we take by living, and so that part is out of our hands. As anxiety inducing as this is, there is a lot of life that is out of our control.
But there are many things we can do to mitigate the risks of known and likely problems. For example, I can change my diet and begin exercising in hopes of avoiding diabetes. Uncontrolled diabetes can lead to strokes and high blood pressure and dementia. I can save money for when I'm elderly. I can have my wishes written out and ready to go if I become incapacitated.
Sitting down and thinking of the things you saw that made you the most anxious is a good idea. That way you can make note of what upset you and potential ways to head that off. Mom can't get up off the toilet easily? Well, weight lifting exercises can prepare you to avoid that. Again, nothing is guaranteed, and there are people who do everything "right" and still end up with major problems.
I think it's a good idea to realize you can't control everything but that the things you can control should be attended to as best as you can. Journaling is a great idea for some people. Just the act of writing things down can be clarifying.
I am still not sure what kind of dementia she had. Her brain CT said global atrophy and some chronic ischemic changes. She was also a smoker. But, her dad had Alzheimer's, so my new fear is that I will get dementia. I don't fear death so much as the frailty, pain, and indignity that leads up to it. I can't imagine my children having to bathe me, put my dentures in, etc. Both of my kids, currently in their early 20's are varying shades of neurodivergent. I just don't seem them being capable of caregiving. Husband and I are just now working with a financial planner, I a hill I will die on is we must figure out how to pay long term care.
As for my Mom, I do dread that I could be like her when I need care. Mom was always stubborn, hardheaded, etc. She refused to have caregivers come into the house, as it was HER house and no one was going to cook for her husband (my Dad). Mom refused to even look at senior living, even when I gave her a brochure of a fantastic place, Mom said it looked "too snooty".
I never was able to bond with my Mom, either. It wasn't until after her death (she was 98) I figured out why. My Mom had stayed in the hospital for a long time after I was born. Older relatives said she had pneumonia, I think it was post-natal depression, which wasn't on the radar back in the 1940's. Therefore, I think Mom was sub-consciously blaming me for that since it happened right after I was born. I was an only child. I was very close to my Dad.
I can't believe how many people accept simply suffering. Or becoming a burden. Or becoming impoverished and losing all autonomy. Why?
My parents are currently 95 and 96; my mother's sisters have all lived well into their 90s and 2 have reached 100. My parents both have good cognition and are mobile; they have an aide come 2X week and my sis drives them to Drs appts and makes them some meals. They really act 10 years younger than they are. But having seen what life looks like after 90, neither my sis nor I have any intention of going there. A couple of my good friends in my age bracket - 70-75 - feel the same and have also made plans.
Finally, I'm a vegetarian and I avoid sugar. I weigh a little less than I did 30 years ago. I do not have any serious health issues yet, but I do need to work on building strength. That's a goal for this year.