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My mother and I have had a tarnished relationship since she left my house last year. (Please read my previous posts for full story) My role within my family dynamics has been the scapegoat since my father has died. My sister and her will team up and say horrible things about my husband and I. I’ve basically stopped all contact with my sister to stop the toxic behavior.


My mother enjoys posting on Facebook and pressing the like button on pictures. Since my falling out she hasn’t liked any of my pics. I plan on posting pics of my daughter for her 11th birthday. If she doesn’t comment I may say something to her. I find it awful that she will turn against me and not even share joy for me. She doesn’t want my sister seeing her affection to me in any way. How would you handle this?

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First, unfriend mom, do not follow mom, learn grey rock.

https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

There are many daughters of narcissistic moms here. There is actually a site solely dedicated to that.

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
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Sounds almost like my family. Do things that you won't regret. If you can leave your mother and sister alone and not regret it SHOULD something happen to them, then do so. I once read about a widow who didn't cry when her ailing, sick husband died. That "stained" my brain. She stated that he had suffered, lived a good life, and passed on. Life goes on. Wow! I hope to be her, should my mother pass before me. Implement more good, and things that give you inner joy. You are not responsible for how they treat you. If you crave a maternal person in your life, reach out to others, and/or accept that you are enough, and you don't have to live up to what society states you need. Again, put enough positivity into your life to "cushion" their disappointing behavior and ACCEPT that they are who they are. If the world could accept reality, we wouldn't need drugs, alcohol or therapy! Therapy is awesome, and if your family therapist isn't any good, get another one IMMEDIATELY! Just because they are family doesn't mean they are good for you. With my mother living with me, now, my suspicions have been confirmed; that she is incapable of love, a narcissistic sociopath, MASTER's MASTER manipulator, and everything she is not! My problem WAS that I wanted a mother's love so bad, overlooked and made excuses for her behavior. I must accept she will die being exactly who she's always been, and never was. I was not only her personal doormat, but ATM machine until I was almost 57 years old. "Happy birthday! Can I borrow $200" translation? "Give me $300, sucka!" Money was her heroin. I tried to "hide" myself from her jealousy, even asking God to remove my good fortune because it hurt my mother. One day I grew up. Especially since I moved her in "saving" her from my siblings who were putting her in a nursing home. God bless you.
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OH! MY! GOSH!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS WEBSITE address!

I never knew!

Headed over the RIGHT NOW!🤣
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I could hazard that more than half the discussions on this forum are about relationships with toxic people--and they are almost always family.

We CRAVE love and affection and acceptance. Some of us just never get it. We need to be loved and accepted without condition, that's our basic animal nature. And many of us don't have that.

I've always maintained that if you have one person you KNOW loves you without condition, you are lucky. If you have 2 or more, you are blessed beyond measure.

And that unconditional love does not have to come from family.

I blocked my toxic MIL from being my FB 'friend' and so I do not see her posts or anything. I have no idea what she posts. In this case, ignorance is bliss.

And fighting on FB is very immature and childish. If I could magically undo ONE thing I have done in life it would be to go back and NOT set up a FB acct for my DH. He has ruined so many good friendships over stupid, snarky things he says. People have actually asked me if he's getting senile. Nope, he's just being him with no filter. Not attractive.
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notgoodenough Jan 2022
Posts like this make me so glad I never got involved with Facebook, which to me is just a place to try and create the image of a perfect life, home, children, marriage, et al., and then dissolves into something almost poisonous.

I imagine I'm in the minority here, but I'm a HUGE South Park fan, and they've done EPIC stories about the pitfalls of social media, specifically Facebook.

I really never did understand why one would get involved with Facebook, when you can accomplish any communication you might desire - including sharing of pictures - with people you know through regular, old e-mail. I just don't want my personal business put out onto a social media sight that has been proven in the past to leak private information of its members for monetary gain, and then claim it was either an "accident", or it never really happened in the first place.
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You can't escape toxic behavior if you're associated with the cause of it on social media sites like Facebook where it breeds & multiplies with every 'like' or angry emoji that's applied to each post! I'd unfriend both of these women on FB so they can't see your posts and pics at all. Free yourself from knowing what your mother is 'liking' on FB entirely! Who cares?
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My mother is very narcissistic but I'm a son not a daughter but she treats me just like she treated my father. Also my sister, her daughter, sons and their children are all in a huge facebook/social media war about everything. Like you I'm the scape goat in almost every issue that even remotely effects my mother. I quit playing peace maker between "the Family" and "Mother" a few years ago and now they all turned on each other which is what the current facebook/social media war is about. My mother is constantly asking me "When was the last time you heard from your sister". Here's my pat answer " She sent me a Facebook message about _____ and I send her a message back saying that I had nothing to do with ______ incident between ____ and _____". I would suggest that you learn how to "gray rock" your mother as narcissists thrive on attention. My mother is extremely paranoid about anyone talking behind her back and she used to accuse me and my sister of "conspiring against her". My mom recently asked me " Are you and your sister communicating more these days"? My reply back was "I've asked my sister to document her interactions on social media and share any accusations made against me so that if this comes to court charges I know what I'm accused of, I would not call that communication".
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My mother removed my father from her Facebook friends, she doesn’t talk to her sister, and has many friends she’s ghosted or no contact. I guess I’m next on the narcissist list of abuse.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Ok. Then what? It's Facebook, where millions of people post stuff about all kinds of things. Why do the Narcissitic dance with your mother? It never will be good enough or will magically change her into the kind of person you want her to be for you. Nope. My mother was a narcissist, and I thank God that two close friends saw just how she treated me on two seperate occasions, very comforting to me knowing I wasn't the problem. Anyway, I never did Facebook, not that interesting. Oh, and you're always on the narcissistic list of abuse, that's not gonna change, so why be a part of it? She's your mother-yeah...well....how's that working for you? I have had no contact with my father for the past 17 years. He is not a nice person, and best not interacted with at all.
(6)
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Be confident in who you are. Other opions should not matter.

Just inform both you mother and sister that there will no contact until they apologize for thier imature behaviour.

Toxic men and women will poison your soul if you let them. Just as you would not drink cyanide because it is bad for your body niether should you not allow toxic creatures to poison your heart.
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Unfriendly her on FB
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I too, have a narcissistic mother and am the Scapegoat. I feel for you. Ten years of therapy.

Your first mistake (IMO) was that she lived with you. 1 week over the holiday, mine stayed with us. She dug through all of my drawers, "repossessed" and literally stole items from me without apology.

She's spent the last 3 weeks, complaining to family about her visit and she tells me she can't wait to come back again (never!)

She stalks Facebook. I left it 6 months ago and it drives her crazy. May I suggest the same or simply "unfriending" her?

One thing I have learned is she can't be fixed because she thinks she is normal. Any descent by her family/friends is met with full on rage.

The relationship you desire, deep in your soul, like friends have with their mothers is not possible. It's taken a long time for me to accept that. My adult children have nothing to do with her, because they saw what I refused to see.

I hope this helps and I give you a big hug. Only the children of narcissim will understand.
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Your mother and your sister now live 6 hours away. Your mother has been gone from your house for 5-1/2 months now. You were (are) incredibly hurt over how it all went down at the end.

Why are you still worrying about things like this? Did you go back to your therapist, as you said you might do?
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Lizzy, why are you placing all the blame on your sister? Not only do narc parents run our self esteem into the ground, if we let them but, they do triangulation between us and anyone that might love us more then them or even at all.

Honestly, you should stop being friends with her on FB, you are giving her a direct line to continue hurting your heart. Who gives a crap if she gets to see and comment on your life and family? She doesn't deserve to screw with another generation, your children don't deserve to be dissed by a narc granny.

Your mom, nor your sister has the emotional connection that you desire available to give. It may appear mom loves sister more, because you are the decided target. I promise you, if you step away and stop being their chew toy, they will start chewing on one another.

Your children deserve the best you possible. So start today by wiping these toxic people out of your head. You will get stronger as you detox and your family will benefit from your strength.

If mom calls crying and laying a guilt trip, use her actions against her drama. Well mom, you never seem to like them, so I figured it was best to stop taking your time. End of discussion.

I would recommend doing some research to see why you give mom so much head space and opportunity to stomp your heart. Because YOU can put an end to it. She never will, it works to well for her. Oh, be prepared for drama, tears, guilt, blame, shame, attacks personal, private and public when you stand up and say enough. That will push her to new heights trying to get you back under control. It is okay to hang up, walk away and to tell her no more. You are an adult, no longer under her authority.

Best of luck! It is not easy but, it is most rewarding when you stop looking to a narc for something they can't provide.
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Part of managing relationships like these includes slowly BUT CONSTANTLY learning to IGNORE bull—— that people say about you.

It CAN be done, if you practice practice practice ……
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Please stop trying to win your mother's affection. It seems like her affection is not worth much anyways. Find the love and acceptance you need with other people who care about you and nurture you.
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You'll feel better if you get out of FB! I did!
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Why expect her to change this pattern of disordered behavior? Although it’s unfortunate that a mom can’t share joy with a daughter, it seems that this will never be the case for your mom. It seems you CAN share joy with your own daughter, so take pleasure in that and tell yourself (about your mom) “that’s just Mom being Mom.” I did wonder if part of your question was about your daughter being hurt by Grandma’s lack of positive connection; others can speak better to that than I.
I would suggest that you don’t even make posts on Facebook for a few months and see how that feels. I am guessing you would feel better, since that’s true for most people. Maybe don’t even open Facebook for several weeks and see what happens!
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I personally would avoid posting pictures of your daughter on facebook, esp bc your motivated to see if your narcissistic mother responds which is setting yourself up for hurt to you and your daughter. Narcissists thrive on using social media to hurt others by ignoring or posting rude comments, share photos of her with those who are healthy and you know will be a positive addition and add support and happiness rather than negative toxicity
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Yep. Reminds me of when my narcisisstic mother saw photos of her grand daughter, who was about 2 years old at the time, and all she could talk about was how little hair her grand daughter had. "Ma, she's only two, her hair is blonde, how much hair should she have???" "Well, she doesn't have enough-looks like she's going bald"....and on and on....I'd walk out of the room, no getting through to my mother.
Oh, and I fully support other's suggestions here of quitting Facebook. Again, no need to be part of the Narcisisstic dance-why bother?
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No, but I have a narcissistic sister who used FB as a platform for her "jealous rants" until I unfriended her and her toxic family. She was a drama queen and is extremely toxic. THEN - I decided that I was shut down my FB page altogether and have never looked back. Sounds like you and your Mom are playing a childish game through FB. You can't change your Mom or your family - you can only change how you react to her. No one has power over you unless you give it to them. Best of luck!
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I have no idea what is in your mother's head. Either she is narcissistic and cruel and just downright mean and nasty. I don't care why she does what she does - it is unacceptable behavior and I assure you nothing is going to stop it. You have cut ties with your sister due to her behavior so why are you still including your mother? I learned years ago, the hard way and way too late in life - if people mistreat you regardless of the relationship and why and nothing stops it, for heaven's sake - wise up and sever all ties and move on. I found out there is a better, happier life out there but not as long as you don't take the first step. They do NOT deserve you. Get going - move out of their realm and onto your own future.
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You can block her and anyone else from seeing your posts on Facebook....if you dont want to shut down your FB. just block her...you dont have to unfriend her in order to block her. Hope this helps
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Many people become difficult persons (stubborn, irritable, impatient, needy, dependent, suspicious, moody, etc, etc) as they age. The cause of this, is definitely a lot more than a simple personality disorder. There are multiple factors involved., social, psychological and physical or medical. The elderly have faced many drastic changes in their lives. For example, they have lost their spouses, friends and acquaintances. The are aware of their progressive loss of strength, vision, hearing, thinking and mobility.  They know they can't be independent and self-sufficient anymore. They are aware and frightened that their future is not going to be any better and that end of life is near. Frequently, they suffer from chronic pain, insomnia and depressed moods. Those with severe medical conditions, like diabetes, dialysis, cancer, paralysis, dementia or mentally illness, are in the hardest situation. As you can see, every case is different. But you will understand why many feel angry, frustrated and frightened. Caring for old people presents many challenges to their care givers, more so, if they are relatives with no special training. It's remarkable what all caregivers are trying to do. Because you are at the front line, you suffer the blunt of their frustration and anger. Many cases belong to institutions, but for one reason or another they are kept at home. The problem is enormous, particularly nowadays when people live longer. I hope that some day, there will be enough, affordable specialized facilities where old people can go. Thus, to relieve their families from responsibilities that they never though they were going to have some day.
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It's not much help, but you are definitely not alone with a narcissistic mother, being the family scapegoat and having a mother that is cruel to you. I'm estranged now having lost all with my family because I finally stopped putting up with the abuse after 60 years, so sorry I don't have any useful advice. Hopefully others here do. But sending you a hug....
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Has your mother been diagnosed with such personality? I'd stay away from toxic relatives, regardless. That is how I would handle it, keeps stress away, and just focus on what matters.
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marymary2 Jan 2022
I've read and heard that narcissists don't go to therapy - and I can confirm my mother and sister have said they would never go! So an official diagnosis is probably extremely difficult to get. It's easy to find the symptoms all over the web and in some cases I've found exact phrases narcissists say. In any case, I totally agree with your advice.
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Thank you so much for sharing these links!
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I had to turn my back on the narc mother and abusive father, and walked away from my siblings, my mother’s flying monkeys. I refuse to be scapegoated any longer. I was well into middle age before I was able to understand what was going on. Let them find another scapegoat, is the best I can say. Sadly, we often end up in the same types of marital relationships, if there hasn’t been intervention and personal growth so we can see people through a clear lens. I’m not perfect, but I’m no longer the family scapegoat. My ex was a major manipulator, so he joined in, scapegoating his own wife. He embarked on a campaign to alienate my sons from me. They will never see the truth, sadly for me. While I grieve the sweet babies, I do not allow the manipulation, the deceit, the passive-aggressive crap in my life any longer. Yes, I’ve lost my sons to the hate campaign. But, at least I’m not getting the daily dose of soul murder anymore.
You, and only you, have to decide what you are willing to live with. It’s not my place to tell you what to do.
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LIzzyFizzy: Imho, do not set yourself up for hurt from your mother or sister on Facebook. Perchance is there really a need to be their Facebook friend if all it causes you is anxiety and hurt? Do not leave the opportunity for them to hurt you in existence.
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I am not listed under my real name here. Thank goodness for this. My mother was an alcoholic but could control her drinking for long periods of time. She could be my best friend when she was sober, but when she drank became a selfish, mean, abusive, hateful, lying and conniving individual. She suffered from depression and other comorbidities, but these could be managed with medications. She sought out alcohol for her mental problems. She would have benefited from attending a twelve-step program. I tried to get her to go with me at times, and she wanted to attend. I don't know what held her back. She got ill and died. I arranged for hospice in the home and helped her to the end. I endured vicious gossip and attacks from all of my siblings and was scapegoated. My dad took over that job after mom died. He was only nice to me when it was his time to depart, and I guess he was trying to right the wrongs before he died. It was a very painful experience that I lived through. I eventually went no contact from all of them for about twenty-five years. Now, my brother is getting grief from his youngest who is about forty-five. He told me he is going to stop talking to her. I told him that he was old and did not have the liberty of time on his side any longer. I told him that he needed to contact his daughter and set matters straight. Also, I said we are all getting up in age, and that we don't know how much longer we have on this planet. People in my family would just stop speaking to each other for years at a time and usually for stupid reasons. Something that could be discussed and cleared up in a matter of seconds would result in more dysfunction and misunderstanding.
I have no clear-cut answers for what makes people tick with the exception of family dynamics coupled with foolishness.
My therapist taught me how to be direct with people and not to worry about how they responded. My job is to work on controlling own my actions but not the actions of others.
I have very limited FB interactions with people especially family. Some have even been blocked.
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As Sunnie23 said, "You are not responsible for how they treat you. If you crave a maternal person in your life, reach out to others, and/or accept that you are enough, and you don't have to live up to what society states you need".

I have a friend who is a little older than my daughters who has adopted me as her mother (poor thing). in her case, her parents are gone and she said she needed a mother. So, I it seems like for better or worse, I am it.
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