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I tried selling My Car and couldn't . I have My Dads car and I sit in it and it smells like him . Everyone seems to have Passed on. Even a Lot of My best friends - very Young 50 - 60 . No idea why even on Facebook about 10 of them have died . I have seen aloof death the Past 10 years and am always shocked when a good friend Passes . I decided to clean out My Dads bedroom - gave away his clothes , Books and other items . Got rid of the bed . Going to Paint his apartment . I have done this Job several times cleaning Out apartments - Its emotionally devastating . My dad has not Passed yet - he was kidnapped and taken to California 2 and a half years ago to fund my sisters Life style since her Mother In Law Passed July 2019 . they really wanted the Poor womans money and that is all they cared about . She left them $3 Million . they dont work . They claim to be WASPS and Old Money which is a joke . A - Holes . Anyway I am donating all the medical items to the senior center . Everyone tells me " Your dad is not coming Home . We Live in Boston - he Lived here for 37 years and was born in Boston and Lived in Cambridge . I Got very Ill this year . I got a Lump in my breast July 2024 and it was very Painful . Before that I got Bad arthritis in my Knees . I ddi a Mammogram and Ultrasound No cancer thank god But My Boob Killed for 2 Months . Then I had to switch Out a gas Furnace and almost died from carbon Monoxide Poisoning . What ever you do if you experience this Immediately go to the ER for Oxygen . I did Not do that and was dizzy for 2 Months . Very sick . Then I got a Flu and Vomited about 400 times around Christmas . Then a sinus infection . Then another flu for a Month . I Know I have to take better care of Myself . My Doctor said " Karen you are being held hostage and are in Limbo . You took care of everyone else and No one is taking Care of you . " Very alone . caretaking is a Isolating experience . Both my Mother and Brother were in Nursing Homes the summer of 2014 . I would stay at a Youth Hostel on Cape Cod in summer . I had No idea what was about to transpire . I Found My Mom Over memorial day weekend she had aged 1000 years since I last saw her in February and I ended up taking care of her till she Passed January 11 , 2017 . Then my brother fell and I cared for him till he Passed October 22 , 2017 - he Lived with me for 6 months and Had stage 4 cancer and schizophrenia . I had a cousin who Lived upstairs He had a stroke and I had to clear out his apartment that took 8 Months . He is basically retarded Now bad brain Bleed . Then another tenant disappeared and I had to clear out his apartment . And I Inherited another mentally Ill person who had thrown himself In front of a subway - we went to the same Catholic school so I had to clear Out his stuff . no One would come get his stuff . he swallowed a bunch of Pills the second time Luckily the Nurse found him . I was the Only One caring for My mother who had bad dementia for 9 Months . Poor soul she was very beautiful .I dont Know if I really processed that One. I have her hat Box which smells like her and her jewelry ( which I dont wear ) But I do Like to open her hat box and I have the photographs . My brother Craig passed march 19, 2008 I have His Phone it still works . My other brother Billy I have his boots and jacket and wallets - he Loved Chinese food . Both brothers had schizophrenia and I had cared for them over the years . My dad got dementia and Alzheimer's and was Kidnapped for his money . he still thinks he is still in California . I used My savings $10,000 for a Lawyer to freeze the stocks and his union Boss froze the 401 K the day he was kidnapped but $120,000 Is Missing . I Have to move forward . I spent another $5000 on court In San Diego and her Husband tried Killing me and running me off the road he is On a Lot of drugs . There is No Family anymore. I am alone . I have One son and 2 grand kids .
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We have two chances at family. The one that rolled off the assembly line with us and the family we MAKE out of close friends. Volunteer. Join with others in doing good works. The gifts and the love will be yours and will enrich your life. I understand about losing friends. All mine/most of mine younger than me already are gone or sitting about all in braces wishing they WERE. 82, so I guess it's to be expected? STILL!!!!

We both had lumps. My own was cancer, triple negative. I am getting over the mastectomy and soon on my way to radiation. And this was my second cancer, as the first lump was 38 years ago. Flat as a boy now!

If we live long enough we sustain losses. And our reactions to that vary. My brother was a collector of beautiful pottery, quite valuable stuff. What did I keep of all that? His little carved spaniel dog my parents gave him when he was a boy, the first piece in his dog collection. My memories of that decent and kind man, Hansel to my Gretel in every dark wood of life, isn't in his stuff; it is in me, and I feel him within--suspect I will carry him with me so long as I am capable of carry anything at all.

You have had tremendous sadness in your life. Two brothers with schizophrenia? Tragic. You have had happy memories as well. I say you go on best you can. It's what we all try our best to do, and what we do some days better and some days worse.

Life is 50-50 for most of us. Hard days and good days. Days we feel well and days we suffer. Days our memories sustain us and days we are blindsided by pain and longing. I would be the last to have an answer for ANY of it. I try to take the bad times as a weather system, because the one thing I do know is that no matter the storm, weather changes will come if I let them.

Seek help if you need to. There's certainly no shame in that. In my 82 years I have done it three times and am headed into number four on this coming Tuesday. People who are trained in human reactions can give us tricks and clues and things that can help sustain us through pain.
My heart out to you. Be good to yourself. Be certain to seek out the BEAUTY. It is waiting to be noticed.
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