My mother of sound mind at the age of 86 changed her will. Her previous will was to sell her house after she passes and divide the proceeds with her 5 children. My mother changed her will to reflect her son with special needs live in the house with an elder sibling after she passes. Of note, elder sibling already lives with my mother since my mother cannot live alone. Elder sibling is the caregiver and the only caregiver for my mother. This has caused major sibling conflict. Two of the siblings feel my mother should have told them of her interventions to change her will. I disagree. It is my mothers choice alone to make whatever changes she wants to make. It gives her great comfort that the special needs son is taken care of after her passing.
We have 3 sons and we have already told them that everything will be divided equally in thirds regardless of anyone's family size or financial situation because "fair" is a subjective concept and somebody will always think a different distribution is "unfair".
That said: just because you have "the right" to do something, doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD do it.
I am going to assume that mom has already discussed this with the eldest sibling, who has agreed to be a caregiver for this "special needs" sibling in exchange for the house. That said, how old is the caregiving sibling, and how special are the needs of the brother? Is there a chance that the one needing care will outlive the caregiver? If so, then what is the plan? How is the health of the caregiving sibling? Are there provisions in the will to help pay for outside care for the brother, should it become necessary?
Will the caregiving sibling have enough income, going forward after mom's death, to be able to pay for all of the expenses that go along with owning a house? It is not always a windfall to inherit a house, especially if that house is older and in need of repairs, AND selling it has complications. What is the tax burden associated with the house? Costs are only going to continue to go up; can the caregiving sibling keep up with that, especially if (s)he is hampered with taking care of someone and can therefore not work outside of the home to earn extra income?
On a more personal note - is your mother not aware that she may be driving a wedge in between her children? This might not be a factor now, but as your caregiving sibling ages, (s)he might need the aid of the rest of you at some point to help with the brother - is mom aware this sibling might find him/herself up against the attitude "well, you got the house, so you deal with it."?
Since you seem understand mom's point of view and agree with her thought process, you might want to have a frank conversation with her about the possible long-term ramifications of this decision. Mom really should have a meeting with all of her children and talk this through. There is more here than just a matter of "fairness", and she might not be taking care of her special needs child as much as she thinks she is by doing this.
Mom age 86 is good to be making provision for her special needs child, but it doesn't seem as if she's thought far enough ahead. This reminds me of friends who had a special needs adult child. The plan was that their daughter would take care of the special needs son after they both passed, and she was willing. There was another son who lived far away and he was not involved in the care plan. So special needs son, age 48, rides his bike onto a busy highway, doesn't signal a turn and gets hit by a huge truck. The parents were still alive so they did the only thing they could do considering the extent of son's injuries. They found an expensive specialized nursing home, private pay, and the now seriously physically and mentally disabled son lived there till the end of his life, about 5 years. Fortunately they were able to pay for it by selling their home, but what if they'd passed and their daughter had to make those excruciating decisions and pay for the son's care? Would there have been enough money, considering that the parents' house would have been split between the three children after the parents' deaths? The son's care used up every cent of the money from selling the house. The parents lived in a rental by then.
Sometimes it's not simple to provide for the care of disabled children after our deaths. Many eventualities need to be considered, and the plan needs to be backed with lots of money!
But.... this may seem fair and equitable now but what happens if/when the caregiver decides they can no longer care for your brother, which could be sooner than you expect given both of them are aging and his needs will only increase?
I received not ONE dime of "inheritance", no paintings, antiques, nothing. I am 100% fine with that because their money was theirs. Not mine. Many adult children feel "entitled" to an inheritance and to know the details of their parents will before they even pass away. I helped my folks because I loved them, as difficult as they (mom) were.
Fighting over the details of a will or threatening to disown parents due to being "shortchanged" on a will distribution is petty and disgraceful imo. And a true show of one's character.
I agree with you that it's your mother's choice alone to make whatever changes to her will she'd like.
I told my children that we're spending their inheritance while they're alive.....so no need to worry! 🤣
Yes she should tell everyone the changes she made and why. Unless you and the other siblings wants to take care of your sibling it seems only right.
However, she could also be influenced by ther elder daughter/caregiver.
I believe there is NO legal reason(s) for the your mother to tell anyone about changing the will besides the person / people that need to know.
Sounds like sour grapes to me. And, I do understand they are disapointed due to their expectations, if not plans.
I would be concerned with who manages or owns the property though and all this needs to be in writing / legal documents.
I would also be concerned with the son w disability needs and his ongoing care. Is he to live in the house until he passes on?
Who is then responsible for that to happen and insure it will happen?
What happens after he passes (with the property).
Is your mother leaving income for caregiver care for her son? (check with attorney so son will get what he is entitled to with government benefits (the home obviously cannot be in his name). If income or accounts show his financial stability, there could be complications.
You want to insure that care-givers will be in place after your mom passes.
Is this the responsibility of the eldest daughter?
What about when she doesn't want to do this any longer? (could be years and then what if she dies before the son ... ?)
I understand your mother feels comfortable that her son w sp needs will be taken care of although these legal / property matters need to be clarified and handled with an attorney.
Gena / Touch Matters
I would guess the siblings that got bumped off the Will don't do any caregiving or help Mom. The 2 living there will be saved from homelessness, which is obviously Mom's plan.
My Mom did the same last minute change. Originally her Will stated her home be sold and proceeds divided equally among 5 kids. About 3 months before she died, she had my sister and brother added to the title without telling the rest of us. Mom was thinking her oldest daughter (an RN) had been doing caregiving for Mom her last few years, while my brother freeloaded off Mom in between relationships, and had been spoiled his entire life.
Mom's plan was to provide a roof over my brother and also give my sister a free place to live, so she could retire. My brother flat out told my sister she couldn't live there with her dog. He had his GF living there and they didn't want pets in the house. My sister did nothing to fight it, and moved in with a friend. My brother went to City Hall and married the GF, then added her to his half within a month. He was an entitled jerk.
My sister moved from place to place, left California and moved to Michigan, where her Dr. boyfriend lived. She told me she made a deal with my brother years ago, to not put anyone else on the title, to keep it simple. She found out my brother got married and put his wife's name on his half! She was so pissed, she got a lawyer to add my youngest sister as beneficiary of her half of the house. My brother thinks he will own it all, and is in for a big surprise!
House is now worth $1.1M, so my brother will have to buy youngest sister out to stay there. He can't do it, so will be forced to sell it and find somewhere else to live. My Mom's idea to help them both backfired.
A ?, How did this new will get done?
I hope this will was done with a law firm that does estate planning & also does probate work and will do litigation work for probate as well. So they will be the ones used for mom’s eventual probate. If it was not brought up with the atty or law firm that did the will that at least 2 of the children will be the type to do litigation, well, it would be a good idea for mom to do an appointment with this atty to go over what she may want to do as a codicil to this new will in anticipation of litigation.
For example, my dad had children from prior marriage (fwiw decade + older than me, no step-sibling relationship). They were left completely out of his will. But in his will it read something like “should the terms of this will be challenged, whomever files such litigation is due $10 dollars and no considerations”. There will be something like this that’s standard legalese in your State to deal with this type of possibility. Pretty well cleanly shut down any attempt.
Clauses such as you mention about $10 have no value. Anyone can bring litigation at any time for any reason. If siblings are going to sue, they will do so with or without such a clause, and in fact may do it specifically out of spite. The estate will have to pay the legal bills necessary to defend itself. Sometimes people do this sort of thing because they don't want anyone else having money if they don't, so they sue to burn up all the cash.