My mother of sound mind at the age of 86 changed her will. Her previous will was to sell her house after she passes and divide the proceeds with her 5 children. My mother changed her will to reflect her son with special needs live in the house with an elder sibling after she passes. Of note, elder sibling already lives with my mother since my mother cannot live alone. Elder sibling is the caregiver and the only caregiver for my mother. This has caused major sibling conflict. Two of the siblings feel my mother should have told them of her interventions to change her will. I disagree. It is my mothers choice alone to make whatever changes she wants to make. It gives her great comfort that the special needs son is taken care of after her passing.
My mother had some grievance against me, IDK to this day, and never will know what it was.
She kept 'encouraging' me to read her will, prior to her passing. I opted to not do so, until one day when i went to pick her up and she was running late. As I had her permission to read the will, I did.
On a sheet of lined notebook paper was a simply "B owes the estate $1500. She must pay that to the estate to be then split among the surviving children".
What the heck? The note wasn't dated or signed. I called my son-the-lawyer and asked him if this was legal. He said "Mom, it's a posthumous FU. Not legal if not signed and notarized".
My feelings were deeply hurt and I never did ask her what that was for. My YS who had scammed about $75K out of mom and dad and never repaid it was not mentioned. Just me.
To this day, though she has been gone almost 3 years, I get a little shiver of sadness, Obv I had done something she found 'unforgiveable' and had assigned a monetary amt to it.
I did not repay the estate. Instead, I kept $2K to pay for a dinner out with my kids & grands and gave $10,000 to my YB who had cared for mom in his home for 22 years.
It's one thing if you've already received an inheritance, it's another if you're being not-so-subtly scolded.
Your kids will remember a lot about you, and they will certainly remember the small slights you put in as your final words to them.
Wish I could say I was totally 'over this', but I'm not. It wasn't about the money, it was about not knowing what I had done so wrong.
And yes, all my sibs knew about this and were horrified, on my behalf. $12K wouldn't have changed my life one iota. Knowing my mom had some kind of issue with me has really kind of haunted me.
When there are special considerations such as in this scenario, and without the desire to actually disinherit someone, Conlon would advise the person writing the will to attempt to equalize between their children. If there are currently no other assets to divide up, then another way is to take out a life insurance policy and make the other children the beneficiaries.
Since the eldest is providing care for the mom in her old age, she/he could be given an income now, or, some extra after the mom’s passing. That seems fair. But to completely disinherit the other children is bound to create generational harm. It’s not like she’s giving all her money away to charity. Personally I have family members who didn’t speak to their siblings for decades after getting disinherited, and the cousins and younger generations missed out on family ties.
I’d advise getting Conlon’s book and/or speak with an elder law attorney about what good, workable options exist to handle this situation without risking serious family estrangement.
No one is guaranteed an inheritance. Leaving the house in the will to the older sister is not a guarantee that this disabled sibling will be cared for in the future. What needs to happen is a special needs trust and that child should have all the money.
This sibling is the priority. The healthy siblings should understand that. And this mother should tell these children exactly what she is doing because transparency is always best in this situation.
I am writing this because I wish that this was how it happened for husband's family but it wasn't. After my MIL died, what happened was nasty and it destroyed the family.
Are you, or any of your siblings, concerned that the sibling living with your mother as her only caregiver might have coerced her or is trying to financially exploit your mother? It does happen. I would just have a nice visit with mom and reassure yourself that she is making competent decisions and is not feeling badgered by anyone to make decisions she is not comfortable with.
Your other siblings may be the ones who were hoping for a payday when mom passes, and are feeling jilted. No one Deserves an inheritance! Our parent's money is theirs to spend in their lifetime! And, your mother could still end up having to sell the house to pay for nursing care. We don't know what the future holds. In your mother's case, I hope her wish for her special needs son comes to reality. I only hope the elder caregiving sibling is able to oblige her wishes.
Your mother is doing what she feels she needs to do to take care of her special needs son . And part of that is providing a home for the caregiver as well .
For those unfamiliar with Lady Birds, what they are is a type of enhanced benefit deed done in abt only 5 or 6 States. Tend to be States that are real pro private property for laws (like do not allow for one’s homestead to have judgments placed). The LBD transfers home ownership outside of probate to those named to be new owner after the death of the original owners who created the LBD. As a byproduct of this, it avoids Medicaid MERP / Estate recovery as outside of probate.
It sounds all fabulous BUT if the elder owners end up on LTC Medicaid, that program requires almost all monthly income paid to the NH as a required by Medicaid Share of Cost/SOC rules. All elders get to keep is small Personal Needs Allowance/PNA, which range from $40 to abt $130. PNA is restricted spending, so as LTC Medicaid is paying room & board NONE of the PNA $ can be used to pay costs on now empty house of theirs still in their name but with the after death Lady Bird. So the future LBD beneficiaries will have to pay all the costs of that home that remains in their parents name till beyond both of their deaths. Could be 6 months or 6 years or more that the kids - as the future beneficiaries- have to pay all property costs on their folks home.
Costs could or could not be manageable for the supposed future beneficiaries for an indeterminate period of time. If there’s still a mortgage, or in an area with high property insurance, well it could be quite tidy $um$.
& That’s the sticky for LBD. If multiple heirs and 1 of them (or better yet their spouse) absolutely DNGAF about dealing with ma & pa’s house, they do not have to. The “good” sibling(s) cannot force the non-participating future beneficiaries to pay for stuff or do things. Other heirs will have to pick up the slack and pay or do whatever to keep the house in shape, pay its prop taxes, it’s property insurance, etc. All beneficiaries still get their share when parents finally both die off and the LBD paperwork transfers equally to all.
Similar challenges exist for Life Estate. In a way, it’s like having a 2nd home but it’s one that you still do not have ownership of yet so runs risk. For most, a 2nd home is just not financially feasible and folks are risk adverse.
Keeping a parent-on-LTC-Medicaid home can be done. But the POA really imho has to have the wallet, time and sense of humor to do this without worry plus have the ability to successfully wrangle $ & time from the other heirs if need be.
However, if her will is written the way you say it is, her wishes will never be followed.
She should set up a trust and put the house into it, and specify what is to be done with it. The easiest thing might be to sell it and use proceeds to rent or buy a home that is better adapted to disability needs.
I set up an ABLE trust for my disabled daughter that is to be funded by my trust when I die. Suggest you investigate it and other vehicles that may be better suited to carry out your mother's wishes.
No doubt this is going to create issues with all siblings, and unfortunately, it is what it is. She's not obligated to share her decisions with anyone other than her lawyer or trustee. There will be hard feelings and some relationships will probably end. Everyone will just have to deal, as they do with any disappointment in life.
greed and entitlement are today’s modern sins
a special needs person needs to be cared first and if someone is living in the house then they should also be factored into the equation
especially if they were carer
did the others help ? - are any out of pocket - if yes then it’s the. Carers morals to decide what they will do
sometimes you have to ignore people-this seems to be one instance of that
..
they shd have been told?
did they recklessly go into debt expecting money?
that’s like someone working and getting bonused and spending it before they’ve received it - then finding out no bonus this year and blaming others for their predicament
Your mother did the right thing and it’s not up to you to justify it or even pay lip service to gripes about it
it was your mothers house
she looked after those who were less capable and those who looked after her making personal
life sacrifices
I’d close the conversation down
we’ve discussed this and it was mums decision to look after the most vulnerable - end of
I think your mom should be frank and discuss the arrangements with her other children. She should absolutely have seen a lawyer and perhaps discussed having the house put in a special needs trust or giving a life estate to both the stay at home and special needs siblings.
If everyone acts with compassion and good will, this could be a positive experience for your family.
I think it would be out of respect for them that they would agree with your mother that they are able and willing to do what she is requesting. If you and your siblings have a good open communication would it be possible to sit down with your mother or just with the siblings to work through in a kind and loving way how all this affects them? Peace among family members is needed but not always accomplished. Blessings to you all in the situation.
A ?, How did this new will get done?
I hope this will was done with a law firm that does estate planning & also does probate work and will do litigation work for probate as well. So they will be the ones used for mom’s eventual probate. If it was not brought up with the atty or law firm that did the will that at least 2 of the children will be the type to do litigation, well, it would be a good idea for mom to do an appointment with this atty to go over what she may want to do as a codicil to this new will in anticipation of litigation.
For example, my dad had children from prior marriage (fwiw decade + older than me, no step-sibling relationship). They were left completely out of his will. But in his will it read something like “should the terms of this will be challenged, whomever files such litigation is due $10 dollars and no considerations”. There will be something like this that’s standard legalese in your State to deal with this type of possibility. Pretty well cleanly shut down any attempt.
Clauses such as you mention about $10 have no value. Anyone can bring litigation at any time for any reason. If siblings are going to sue, they will do so with or without such a clause, and in fact may do it specifically out of spite. The estate will have to pay the legal bills necessary to defend itself. Sometimes people do this sort of thing because they don't want anyone else having money if they don't, so they sue to burn up all the cash.
However, she could also be influenced by ther elder daughter/caregiver.
I believe there is NO legal reason(s) for the your mother to tell anyone about changing the will besides the person / people that need to know.
Sounds like sour grapes to me. And, I do understand they are disapointed due to their expectations, if not plans.
I would be concerned with who manages or owns the property though and all this needs to be in writing / legal documents.
I would also be concerned with the son w disability needs and his ongoing care. Is he to live in the house until he passes on?
Who is then responsible for that to happen and insure it will happen?
What happens after he passes (with the property).
Is your mother leaving income for caregiver care for her son? (check with attorney so son will get what he is entitled to with government benefits (the home obviously cannot be in his name). If income or accounts show his financial stability, there could be complications.
You want to insure that care-givers will be in place after your mom passes.
Is this the responsibility of the eldest daughter?
What about when she doesn't want to do this any longer? (could be years and then what if she dies before the son ... ?)
I understand your mother feels comfortable that her son w sp needs will be taken care of although these legal / property matters need to be clarified and handled with an attorney.
Gena / Touch Matters
So does this mean she is leaving the house to the elder sibling? Or to the disabled son? Or both?
I would guess the siblings that got bumped off the Will don't do any caregiving or help Mom. The 2 living there will be saved from homelessness, which is obviously Mom's plan.
My Mom did the same last minute change. Originally her Will stated her home be sold and proceeds divided equally among 5 kids. About 3 months before she died, she had my sister and brother added to the title without telling the rest of us. Mom was thinking her oldest daughter (an RN) had been doing caregiving for Mom her last few years, while my brother freeloaded off Mom in between relationships, and had been spoiled his entire life.
Mom's plan was to provide a roof over my brother and also give my sister a free place to live, so she could retire. My brother flat out told my sister she couldn't live there with her dog. He had his GF living there and they didn't want pets in the house. My sister did nothing to fight it, and moved in with a friend. My brother went to City Hall and married the GF, then added her to his half within a month. He was an entitled jerk.
My sister moved from place to place, left California and moved to Michigan, where her Dr. boyfriend lived. She told me she made a deal with my brother years ago, to not put anyone else on the title, to keep it simple. She found out my brother got married and put his wife's name on his half! She was so pissed, she got a lawyer to add my youngest sister as beneficiary of her half of the house. My brother thinks he will own it all, and is in for a big surprise!
House is now worth $1.1M, so my brother will have to buy youngest sister out to stay there. He can't do it, so will be forced to sell it and find somewhere else to live. My Mom's idea to help them both backfired.
Our original will was written some years ago and states that everything is to be liquidated and all 5 of our kids are to inherit equally.
As time has passed, all 5 of our kids are not just doing 'well' they're flat out wealthy. Probably every parent's dream, right?
Our new will/trust will liquidate everything and it will be distributed among our 14 grandchildren.
It won't be life changing to them, but if they were to inherit, say, this year, they'd each get more than $150K. Maybe that is life changing, IDK. But to our kids, that's nothing.
We've changed our will several times. This is the current state of affairs. If one of us winds up in care, then it will change again.
And, no, you don't need to tell your kids squat.
I received not ONE dime of "inheritance", no paintings, antiques, nothing. I am 100% fine with that because their money was theirs. Not mine. Many adult children feel "entitled" to an inheritance and to know the details of their parents will before they even pass away. I helped my folks because I loved them, as difficult as they (mom) were.
Fighting over the details of a will or threatening to disown parents due to being "shortchanged" on a will distribution is petty and disgraceful imo. And a true show of one's character.
I agree with you that it's your mother's choice alone to make whatever changes to her will she'd like.
I told my children that we're spending their inheritance while they're alive.....so no need to worry! 🤣
Where does special needs sibling currently live?
Elder sibling currently lives with Mom and does all her care?
So, after death house is divided between elder sibling and special needs sibling?
Elder sibling may not want care of special needs sibling and elder sibling may earn every penny in caring for his/her Mom for another 20 years.
What is to prevent Elder sibling from selling the house and going on a cruise?
I don't think Elder sibling is getting any bargain.
I don't think a will can mandate the care of a sibling in a piece of real estate.
Mom age 86 is good to be making provision for her special needs child, but it doesn't seem as if she's thought far enough ahead. This reminds me of friends who had a special needs adult child. The plan was that their daughter would take care of the special needs son after they both passed, and she was willing. There was another son who lived far away and he was not involved in the care plan. So special needs son, age 48, rides his bike onto a busy highway, doesn't signal a turn and gets hit by a huge truck. The parents were still alive so they did the only thing they could do considering the extent of son's injuries. They found an expensive specialized nursing home, private pay, and the now seriously physically and mentally disabled son lived there till the end of his life, about 5 years. Fortunately they were able to pay for it by selling their home, but what if they'd passed and their daughter had to make those excruciating decisions and pay for the son's care? Would there have been enough money, considering that the parents' house would have been split between the three children after the parents' deaths? The son's care used up every cent of the money from selling the house. The parents lived in a rental by then.
Sometimes it's not simple to provide for the care of disabled children after our deaths. Many eventualities need to be considered, and the plan needs to be backed with lots of money!
But.... this may seem fair and equitable now but what happens if/when the caregiver decides they can no longer care for your brother, which could be sooner than you expect given both of them are aging and his needs will only increase?
That said: just because you have "the right" to do something, doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD do it.
I am going to assume that mom has already discussed this with the eldest sibling, who has agreed to be a caregiver for this "special needs" sibling in exchange for the house. That said, how old is the caregiving sibling, and how special are the needs of the brother? Is there a chance that the one needing care will outlive the caregiver? If so, then what is the plan? How is the health of the caregiving sibling? Are there provisions in the will to help pay for outside care for the brother, should it become necessary?
Will the caregiving sibling have enough income, going forward after mom's death, to be able to pay for all of the expenses that go along with owning a house? It is not always a windfall to inherit a house, especially if that house is older and in need of repairs, AND selling it has complications. What is the tax burden associated with the house? Costs are only going to continue to go up; can the caregiving sibling keep up with that, especially if (s)he is hampered with taking care of someone and can therefore not work outside of the home to earn extra income?
On a more personal note - is your mother not aware that she may be driving a wedge in between her children? This might not be a factor now, but as your caregiving sibling ages, (s)he might need the aid of the rest of you at some point to help with the brother - is mom aware this sibling might find him/herself up against the attitude "well, you got the house, so you deal with it."?
Since you seem understand mom's point of view and agree with her thought process, you might want to have a frank conversation with her about the possible long-term ramifications of this decision. Mom really should have a meeting with all of her children and talk this through. There is more here than just a matter of "fairness", and she might not be taking care of her special needs child as much as she thinks she is by doing this.
No, nobody has to tell anyone what is in their Will. Not even a POA.