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By all means, you are NOT a bad daughter. My mom moved in with my husband and I two and a half years ago. She has some health and mobility issues, but for the most part is able to care for herself. This has not worked out as my mom is very moody and tends to be somewhat self-centered. Earlier this month we moved her into an assisted living facility and we couldn't be happier. I know she is well cared for by good people. Overall, she seems pleased to have her own place again, even though her negative attitude still surfaces from time to time. Sometimes, even family members that we love dearly cannot, and should not, live under the same roof.
Why would any parent want to live with their children in the first place is beyond me. What ever happened to wanting to be independent as long as a person is physically able? Your mom is only 5 years older than me, and the thought of having to put my son and his wife out by me living with them is ridiculous. Believe me, your mom is NOT the only parent that I've been reading about on this website that wants to live with their kids. She's still young enough to have a fulfilling life without having to have you do the fulfilling... I don't get it.
Hearing your mom's age makes me question what is she thinking? Is she lonely? If she is not in need of Home Care or Assisted living why would she want to move in with you? Get her in a senior complex or apartment where there would be other people she could talk to and get involved with. My thoughts, you are NOT a bad daughter, you probably are saving your daughter mother relationship by not moving her in.
Please never think your a bad daughter. My mother lives in an in law suite attached to my home. I was hoping to have a relationship with her now that we are both older. It isnt working and things have gone from bad to worse. If anyone ever has any reservations dont do it. It makes for a very misserable life.
don't do it. it sux the life out of you and your family. My mom lives with us and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Each day I wake up exhausted and mom is fairly easy to care for.
I've read about people who are in counseling and taking antidepressants just to put up with this stuff. Assisted Living is the way to go. Save yourself and your family!!
62 is awful young.. no, you are not being selfish. Your family must come first. Don't feel guilty about it. I was looking into assisted living or home health, but a fall put my dad in a nursing home. He refused rehab so now he is there to stay. Health issues for your mom sound minor.. is she lonely? I am assuming she is recently widowed?
Most parents do not want to live with their kids. They don't want to give up their independence. When they do, they resent you for putting them in a home. You are the people who make the decisions. If you can find someone she knows who is also in the facility, you could tell her that she won't be alone, that someone will be visiting theme every day. Read over the literature, visit the facility so you will be "in the know" when you have "the talk." She might enjoy it there.
My parents have been married for 70 years. I dread the day when one of them goes and other goes right away. But in this interim time, there is so much to do. My sister and her husband help me when they can, but I am on disability. But they fill in in a pinch,
It is very difficult, no matter who careful and how gentle you are.
I have to agree with many of the other responses. Three years ago I moved my grandmother, who is now 86, in with my family of hubbie and 2 daughters. She has Alzheimer's and was falling alot. Living out in the country (about an hour away from us) was not a good thing for her. I thought, "What a great way to give back to her everything she gave to me." She saw my grandfather die due to the neglect that he received in the nursing home. (that's another story) And, I was already her caregiver making sure she got to doctor's appointments and to the pharmacy for medicines. So with my husband's okay, we bought a duplex, had it renovated, and moved her in.
At first things were great. She was in early stages of her illness. She played well with my girls, who were 2 and 6 at the time. But now, she is demanding. She fights with my older daughter, now 9. She is always demeaning her, telling her how fat she is (though she's not at all), telling her she eats too much, or picking "fights" with her. One time she even slapped my daughter. The little one, who she loves to death and claims as her own, can do no wrong... which is also a slap in the face to my older daughter.
Since she's been here, she has been in the hospital three times with heart problems. She would have died if she'd been alone.
Anyway, my point is to think very hard about the impact on your family. We cannot take trips out of town. We've not been on vacation in over 3 years. If I leave the house to go shopping alone (just to get some ME time), she gets mad because she says I've "abandoned" her.
I know there has to be some good retirement centers that you can check out. She will be with people her own age that she can do things with. And you... you and your family will continue to have YOUR life.
Parenting the parents is hard, especially when you are parenting kids as well. The parents don't like the loss of independence and it's a hard role reversal for both you and your parents. My thoughts and prayers are with all trying to make the decision and living in the decision that they have made. There's guilt at times and there's peace at times. It's one rollercoaster ride and it's hard to balance it all. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone!
everyone, thank you for your support.... my mom has been upset with me lately, she said to me today, she doesn't believe the things i say. i am never in her corner, i always take other peoples side and i don't even know them. she can't believe i can be that way and how she can't believe she raised me to be like this. she said others have said i am strong and she is agrees. she said i will be fine.. i sad mom i don't like to see you upset and she says she is like that all the time. i asked her to talk to a therapist, she doesn't want to pay someone to tell her how bad her life has been. she won't take any other anxiety meds except zantax, which doesn't seem like it is enough. i have such a hard time moving on after she does this to me...she has me crying and upset. i started seeing a therapist and she said a phone call 2 times a week is fine. i can't believe i am mean like my mom says. i work in health care and feel like i am caring. my mom has no friends she goes out with and she is 62 years old. i always upset her, i am so lost how to help her.... she says i upset her...i think of her 24/7 and just don't know what to do for her... she lives in the past and talks about how hard her life has been.. i have to live in the present! help!
I'm 70 and also have emphysema, NO WAY would I want to move in with my daughter. Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, I want her to be happy and live her life. I was full time caregiver for my Mom, my Mom is now in a NH, and it's still hard. I will never do that to my child. When the time comes that I can't live alone, I want to go to a NH, not put my burden on my child. I love her too much for that.
My mom used to get me all crying and upset too. Sux.
My heart goes out to you because I know how difficult and crazy making this behavior is.
It's not you. Just know that. It's not you.
Tell your mom, 'Mom, it is not OK for you to talk to me like that.' and then back it up and disengage from the situation. You don't have to be upset, just disengage.
thank you soo much ladies.... i called my uncle (my mom brother) i said mom is mad at me and he said why this time?? and i told him if he ever felt that i was not being fair or not taking care of my mom to let me know. he completely understands and is very supportive of me!! i just needed to hear it from my family because, when your mother tells you things it is very hard and hurtful and i would never treat my daughter this way>> i love my mom but it has been hard when i was a young adult and now it seems to be the hardest. i am going to continue working with the therapist she is nice and says that i have to stop trying to make my mom happy and she looks to me for my feelings....which is hard for me but i think she is going to be good for me! thanks so much for listening.....my husband of course would probably thank you too!!!
Has anyone had this terrible thought that I have?? I feel terrible about this but still I think about it--ok here it is !!! Just don't go there anymore--forget about it. I love my Mom , so why do I even think like that????
I have to say I don't know how my sister and her family have lived in my moms home for so long, (16 yrs) I know I couldn't do it, and especially now I am grateful I have my own place to run and hide too.
it's hard to know i'm getting help with my mom and she is the one who should be seeing someone..... but i just can't go on like this crying anymore! it is upsetting me and my children it isn't fair..... but who says life is fair, right???
The good thing about crying is that you feel better afterwards!! I came to realize that this care giving can really take a toll on OUR physical body, and can really put a long hurting on our mentality. No it doesn't seem fair, and there are no answers but we just keep on doing what we need to do to survive.
I know you will be alright because you have a wonderful heart!
Your mom is giving you a guilt trip. They are real good at using it with their daughters. My mother uses it on me every day and it pisses me off, because it's just more selfishish and childish behavior that goes along with their brainwashing.
If there is anything I've learned (the hard way) from the caregiving nightmare, it's that my mother will get over it, if I don't bend.
Trust me, your mother will get over it, if not, then you're better off. Once you get into caring for your mother, you begin to drown and lose all sense of whom you are. Your mother will see to it. The longer you're in, the harder it is to get out.
Nance, of course you know you're not alone in thinking that way. I tried staying away from my mom when she was acting out and treating me like crap. That went on for years and I was so torn with trying to take care of her and trying to take care of myself and not get lost in her drama.
Well, I'm lost in her drama. She's on the other side of acting like a fool and she's just a sweet old lady with dementia now, but I'm still cleaning up her messes.
I figure I'm in it and that's it. Sometimes it feels pretty hopeless so don't feel bad for having the thoughts of an intelligent individual that resents being trapped.
Heavens, no! You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your loved ones, to the extent that you are able. Listen for God's direction in your heart as to what He is asking you to do. Remember the title of Leeza Gibbons' book: "Take Your Oxygen First". If you can afford to place your mother in retirement community, that is the way to go---best for all concernced. (unless, of course, all the parties agree to have Mom move into an adult child's home).
God is beside us to guide us... you are only responsible for your actions and reactions... all sounds rather cliche sometimes, does it not? Seriously, you have to love yourself before you can love others, that includes taking care of yourself first. Don't feel guilty about it, either... for caregivers, I feel like we all are part of THEIR drama, are we not??? You gotta laugh to keep from crying most days! And my dad is in a nursing home - private pay!
No it's natural to feel that way. She's probably lonely and concerned about her future and health. Explain yourself to her and that you'll do what you can to keep her company or arrange for her to have some activities like a senior center. Do you visit her often? Maybe if you schedule a once a week visit then she won't feel like she's all alone. Encourage her to keep her independence if she can.
Taking on a parent with a family in place is very difficult especially if you don't have help.
yes, you are right she does feel lonely and very concerned with her health and future. she does not want to join any groups she does not socialize with lunch, dinner or outings unless it is me. i would love to spend time with her when she is nice, not mad at me and not complaining about everything. she is mad i know because i saw my husbands family for new years day. i saw my mom for christmas eve, christmas day, day after christmas. my family went away to pennsylvania to see my son in a hockey tournament. i get back day before new years eve and invited her over for new years eve for a little while or dinner she declined. i told her i was going to see my husbands family to exchange gifts for new years day. she did not talk to me on new years day or the day after. i was home all weekend thought we could spend time together, told her but she did not want to speak to me since she was hurt i didn't see her new years day. weeks later she brought it up again and she said i really hurt her not seeing her i said i was sorry she was hurt but i never said i would see her new years day and that i had the weekend to spend time with her. now she refers to that as, she can not believe how i treat her, how she raised me and the things i have been saying to her and treating her the past few months. so to all if this seems like a horrible act please let me know--- she is not happy with doctors, we talk and i make appointments for her, change my work schedule and she said how about the other doctor and i don't want to do it anymore. how about she wants to look for a dog, and she buys the items and looks to pick it up over the weekend after i go with her to look at the dog, (this is about the 5th dog she has wanted, i am embarrassed to go in to the pet shop again). i ask her to go to dinner, she says its too crowded and we go to the mall-which is fine. i can't do it anymore. she is unhappy with her life she told me i have it better than her and everyone in her family has it better than her and she is the only one who has to work when she is sick. she is worried about finances but i can't make these major decisions for her..an attorney told her she needed a therapist, the pharmacist said to me,she either comes in crying or screaming. this is not me, i am seeing a therapist because my mom won't and she said i need to stop trying to make my mom happy. she doesn't want to be happy. and now the therapist is going to help me, see i am an only child and my mothers family is not local. she keeps saying she has no one to help her, no one to take care of her. she is 62 y/o and able to work (did i mention she hates her job) but it is hard but what would she do at home if she doesn't socialize. i don't know what to do??? but yes you are right she is lonely and afraid of her future....but what am i suppost to do??
LCG - I thought my dad would socialize more at the nursing home - you can't make them do what they don't want to. The staff have tried - he even eats in his room... don't beat yourself up over it. Easier said than done, I know... specially since she is critical and you are her life it seems. You have to let go.. I did... b/c I soon saw that he and others in my family were gonna take control of my family. Balance and prayer is all you can do!
When my dad was at home, he would call me every few minutes - lived minutes away, mind you... forgetting he'd call, demanding something. He doesn't have a phone at the nursing home so that has stopped despite some wanting him to have a cell - something else for him to keep up with.
He is taken care of... I couldn't do it. He is critical and so negative. You are an only child I see so I can't imagine... I am the only daughter and here so I can relate very little. At least you don't have the critical eye of siblings. That can be more trouble than it's worth.
I have also thought about moving my mom in with me and my family. I am an only child, and my options are slim. I have talked it over with several people and had long discussoins with my husband. My mother has become more and more dependent on me over the past year. I go to her home every nite after working all day. I assure she has something to eat, and takes her meds. After about an hour, I go home. I am so tired all of the time, I cannot enjoy anything anymore. Just think of what it would be like if she moved IN our home? She is self centered as well even if she doesn't mean to be. I have no one else, but she's not quite ready for a nursing home, and we cannot afford an assisted living. I'm stuck where I am....... GOOD LUCK to you! Please don't think your not a good daughter. I think your awesome for caring!
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Get her in a senior complex or apartment where there would be other people she could talk to and get involved with.
My thoughts, you are NOT a bad daughter, you probably are saving your daughter mother relationship by not moving her in.
I've read about people who are in counseling and taking antidepressants just to put up with this stuff. Assisted Living is the way to go. Save yourself and your family!!
My parents have been married for 70 years. I dread the day when one of them goes and other goes right away. But in this interim time, there is so much to do. My sister and her husband help me when they can, but I am on disability. But they fill in in a pinch,
It is very difficult, no matter who careful and how gentle you are.
At first things were great. She was in early stages of her illness. She played well with my girls, who were 2 and 6 at the time. But now, she is demanding. She fights with my older daughter, now 9. She is always demeaning her, telling her how fat she is (though she's not at all), telling her she eats too much, or picking "fights" with her. One time she even slapped my daughter. The little one, who she loves to death and claims as her own, can do no wrong... which is also a slap in the face to my older daughter.
Since she's been here, she has been in the hospital three times with heart problems. She would have died if she'd been alone.
Anyway, my point is to think very hard about the impact on your family. We cannot take trips out of town. We've not been on vacation in over 3 years. If I leave the house to go shopping alone (just to get some ME time), she gets mad because she says I've "abandoned" her.
I know there has to be some good retirement centers that you can check out. She will be with people her own age that she can do things with. And you... you and your family will continue to have YOUR life.
thank you for your support....
my mom has been upset with me lately, she said to me today, she doesn't believe the things i say. i am never in her corner, i always take other peoples side and i don't even know them. she can't believe i can be that way and how she can't believe she raised me to be like this. she said others have said i am strong and she is agrees. she said i will be fine..
i sad mom i don't like to see you upset and she says she is like that all the time.
i asked her to talk to a therapist, she doesn't want to pay someone to tell her how bad her life has been. she won't take any other anxiety meds except zantax, which doesn't seem like it is enough.
i have such a hard time moving on after she does this to me...she has me crying and upset. i started seeing a therapist and she said a phone call 2 times a week is fine.
i can't believe i am mean like my mom says. i work in health care and feel like i am caring. my mom has no friends she goes out with and she is 62 years old. i always upset her, i am so lost how to help her....
she says i upset her...i think of her 24/7 and just don't know what to do for her...
she lives in the past and talks about how hard her life has been..
i have to live in the present!
help!
Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, I want her to be happy and live her life.
I was full time caregiver for my Mom, my Mom is now in a NH, and it's still hard.
I will never do that to my child.
When the time comes that I can't live alone, I want to go to a NH, not put my burden on my child.
I love her too much for that.
same here.
My heart goes out to you because I know how difficult and crazy making this behavior is.
It's not you. Just know that. It's not you.
Tell your mom, 'Mom, it is not OK for you to talk to me like that.' and then back it up and disengage from the situation. You don't have to be upset, just disengage.
Good luck,
Bobbie
i called my uncle (my mom brother) i said mom is mad at me and he said why this time??
and i told him if he ever felt that i was not being fair or not taking care of my mom to let me know.
he completely understands and is very supportive of me!!
i just needed to hear it from my family because, when your mother tells you things it is very hard and hurtful and i would never treat my daughter this way>>
i love my mom but it has been hard when i was a young adult and now it seems to be the hardest.
i am going to continue working with the therapist she is nice and says that i have to stop trying to make my mom happy and she looks to me for my feelings....which is hard for me but i think she is going to be good for me!
thanks so much for listening.....my husband of course would probably thank you too!!!
I feel terrible about this but still I think about it--ok here it is !!!
Just don't go there anymore--forget about it.
I love my Mom , so why do I even think like that????
Nance and bobbie I'm with you.
I have to say I don't know how my sister and her family have lived in my moms home for so long, (16 yrs) I know I couldn't do it, and especially now I am grateful I have my own place to run and hide too.
but i just can't go on like this crying anymore!
it is upsetting me and my children it isn't fair.....
but who says life is fair, right???
I know you will be alright because you have a wonderful heart!
i just wish my mom saw it--
why do we seek approval from our moms so much!
you do not hear any whining sons??
lcg
If there is anything I've learned (the hard way) from the caregiving nightmare, it's that my mother will get over it, if I don't bend.
Trust me, your mother will get over it, if not, then you're better off. Once you get into caring for your mother, you begin to drown and lose all sense of whom you are. Your mother will see to it. The longer you're in, the harder it is to get out.
of course you know you're not alone in thinking that way. I tried staying away from my mom when she was acting out and treating me like crap. That went on for years and I was so torn with trying to take care of her and trying to take care of myself and not get lost in her drama.
Well, I'm lost in her drama. She's on the other side of acting like a fool and she's just a sweet old lady with dementia now, but I'm still cleaning up her messes.
I figure I'm in it and that's it. Sometimes it feels pretty hopeless so don't feel bad for having the thoughts of an intelligent individual that resents being trapped.
Bobbie
Taking on a parent with a family in place is very difficult especially if you don't have help.
she is not happy with doctors, we talk and i make appointments for her, change my work schedule and she said how about the other doctor and i don't want to do it anymore. how about she wants to look for a dog, and she buys the items and looks to pick it up over the weekend after i go with her to look at the dog, (this is about the 5th dog she has wanted, i am embarrassed to go in to the pet shop again). i ask her to go to dinner, she says its too crowded and we go to the mall-which is fine. i can't do it anymore. she is unhappy with her life she told me i have it better than her and everyone in her family has it better than her and she is the only one who has to work when she is sick. she is worried about finances but i can't make these major decisions for her..an attorney told her she needed a therapist, the pharmacist said to me,she either comes in crying or screaming. this is not me, i am seeing a therapist because my mom won't and she said i need to stop trying to make my mom happy. she doesn't want to be happy. and now the therapist is going to help me, see i am an only child and my mothers family is not local. she keeps saying she has no one to help her, no one to take care of her. she is 62 y/o and able to work (did i mention she hates her job) but it is hard but what would she do at home if she doesn't socialize. i don't know what to do??? but yes you are right she is lonely and afraid of her future....but what am i suppost to do??
When my dad was at home, he would call me every few minutes - lived minutes away, mind you... forgetting he'd call, demanding something. He doesn't have a phone at the nursing home so that has stopped despite some wanting him to have a cell - something else for him to keep up with.
He is taken care of... I couldn't do it. He is critical and so negative. You are an only child I see so I can't imagine... I am the only daughter and here so I can relate very little. At least you don't have the critical eye of siblings. That can be more trouble than it's worth.
Praying for you today... !