Punched in the face, feel stabbed in the back. For almost 15 yrs I have dealt with constant harassment from my husband's siblings while they plotted against their mother, saying awful things about both parents including abuse, molestation, and violence. They were planning to put her in a home as soon as their dad died and splitting the property. My husband is the only one of their kids who refused to do this and I have backed him up 110%. Even though his mum has always been very difficult, that doesn't mean she deserves what they planned for her. I would compare the things said about her to the things they made up about me when I didn't go along with them, and assumed they were just liars. Last year his father passed, then she had heart surgery and I was the only one who cared for her, since my husband worked and her other children were honestly hoping she would die. After that time she seemed to appreciate me more and believe my heart was in the right place. Finally we were able to move both his mother and mine all to one house where we could care for both of them easier. Like I mentioned, my MIL has always been difficult, but she has gotten so much worse in the last few months. I thought it was cabin fever, winter was hard this year. But as the weather gets better it has not improved. She is manipulative with my mother and others, trying to cause chaos between everyone, constant mood swings, refusal to listen to her doctors advice about blood sugar or anything else when we repeat it. As far as getting things done around the house she is still independent, but controllingly so, not allowing anyone else to help with housework. Even to the point of not letting anyone do their own laundry because "it is the wrong way". When it comes to eveything else though, bills, driving, medications, paperwork, everything... she is totally dependent on my husband and myself. All of this I deal with daily but now I can't take it. Last week after a whole day where she was getting increasing angry and agitated, because I told her to mind her own business about an issue with my mother her, she literally punched me the face. I was shocked really. My husband made it clear to her to her that she can never do it again. But she refuses to believe she did anything wrong, saying basically she's in charge and no one can argue with her and he can't tell her what to do. I am lost as to what to do, I have been avoiding her as much as possible until she apologizes, but like I said, she is so dependent on me that this just makes more of a burden for my husband. He thinks I am blowing it out of proportion but I don't feel comfortable around her, if she hits me i can't defend myself because I don't want to hurt her. I don't know if she is just getting violent because of dementia as she has had other issues with memory and such, or if all their stories of abuse were true and I just didn't believe because they lied about me so much. I have been having bad dreams about her smashing my teeth out. I also feel betrayed, since I have stood up for her so much and if she had done this to any of her kids, they would have pressed assault charges. I need advice, I have never wanted to put her in a home, that has always been my stance. But now don't even think assisted living is an option since she is becoming violent. I will probably move my mother into her own place nearby as the stress is bad for her heart, it will be harder but I am almost considering moving out with her. Who do I talk to? Her doctor maybe? Antipsychotic medication? I don't know
You might think about having her admitted to a psychiatric or Senior Behavioral unit for evaluation and treatment.
Tell your husband...you cannot and will not allow physical assault. Period. Not negotiable.
Next, seek a place for her that is able to deal with her aggressiveness that is emerging. Be honest about what is happening.
The next time she assaults you...call the police and ask for her to be taken into protective custody. They will take her to the psych unit of the local hospital for evaluation. While there...get her admission. Ready for the place you have found.
Get busy. Get prepared. And..get hubby prepared for this outcome.
Like Ann Landers always said. You cannot be a doormat if you will not lay down. Stand up for yourself and make plans to solve this!
Go forward
Whether you need a referral for a geriatric psychiatrist or not depends on her insurance. I would fax a letter to her doctor, describing her recent worsening behaviors, including the physical attack on you
Ask what s/he advises.
From the sounds of it, she has longstanding psychiatric issues that your husband and his siblings are cognizant of. Don't let her take you and your mom down with her.
And if she falls, becomes violent or acts more erratically, call 911 and have her taken to the hospital for an evaluation. Do not accept discharge. Work with the social workers on an appropriate placement.
Whether or not she was abusive as a mother of young children, she is abusive now. I am always sympathetic to persons who have mental health issues and who can't always control their actions. They didn't ask for this, and it is sad. BUT, sympathetic or not, I do not think it is right for others to put up with abuse. My solution? Find a different living arrangement for MIL. Do not put yourself and your mother in harm's way. That does not help poor MIL and it is cruel to you and certainly to your mother, who deserves some peace at the end of her days.
Unless medications can help your MIL's aggressiveness, it may be that an Assisted Living facility will not accept her. A memory care facility is more likely to.
One way or another, for the good of ALL concerned, this woman needs to have a different living arrangement.
I'm not even sure I would wait for there to be a next time. No one should put up with abuse like this, no matter what the reason.