Apologies if this is long, I didn't think I'd ever be on a forum looking for help and I'm new to this. My husband and I recently moved back to his hometown after the both of us retired from the service (20+ years) excited to be closer to family, make up for lost time, and let our youngest have some stability throughout middle and high school. Unfortunately, we didn't realize that slowing down the pace of our lives and taking a much-needed mental break, it would give the perception that we "weren't doing anything". Just for context, my husband is stay at home dad and I work Mon-Thurs full time, so he is responsible for his aunt majority of the time, but now it is taking the time away from our son who we were looking forward to spending time with because we were gone so much being in the military.
With all that being said, I'll cut to the chase, we are now the caregivers to his mid 80-year-old aunt who needs 100% assistance, unable to use the restroom alone, bathe, walk, and is legally blind. Don't get me wrong we love her dearly, but also in the past three months, our son was diagnosed with high functioning autism, and I was diagnosed with Lupus. We are trying to figure out our new normal and balance our appointments, and I've been overly stressed over my son's diagnosis, which doesn't help my own. All this is just too much right now and us taking care of his aunt is overwhelming, especially when we didn't necessarily have a chance to discuss the situation, we kind of inherited her (another long story, not relevant, but she couldn't go back to the conditions she was in).
She is adamant that she does not want to go to a nursing home, but I feel that is the best thing for her as they can give her around the clock care, because right now, she wants us to sit around with her, and our lives can't stop to do that. I am the one handling her financials and my husband is her PoA. She has Medicare and Medicaid, but also has credit card debt, and I am concerned about what is going to happen to that if she goes into a nursing home or an assisted living. On top of that, we are always getting what feels like a guilt trip from family members when we mention anything being difficult even though everyone said they would chip in and help if we needed it. We are constantly being told things like "oh you will get used to it, you guys are still young" or "seems like your life is full of all kinds of adventures these days (hahaha)".
I'm sorry if I sound selfish or whiney, I do not intend for it to come off that way. I am overwhelmed and frustrated because for once in my life I don't have a solution to this and I don't feel like my husband and I need to be the ones making the decisions we are faced with making; especially when any time we do, that's when someone comes out of nowhere wants to give an opinion.
Ultimately, I'm just curious if anyone knows if we will need to pay off this credit card debt prior to her going to a facility, can we be held responsible for it, and what, if anything can we do if she doesn't want to go to a facility? Last but not least, does anyone have any overall general advice for us to keep us from going crazy? I'm open for feedback and if I need to just shut up and color, roll with the punches, tell me but I am worried about the effects this will have on our marriage, my son, relationships within the family, and my health.
If nothing else, thanks for listening and letting me vent. Have a blessed one.
Your aunty may need to slide into this gently but firmly. You can’t take care of her anymore.
Medicare May pay for some of the costs especially if she has no assets.
other people have no right to tell you to suck it up. You can ask them “which day of the week can you be here for 24 hours to help provide care?”.
Stick up for yourself.
As POA your husband does not have to physically care for her. His responsibility is financial and Medical. Caring for her can mean placement. She has no money then Medicaid is applied for. Forget what others think. They can take her in. You now have a son who will need your attention. Need to sit down with Aunt and tell her that with your diagnosis of Lupus and your sons diagnosis of Autism, you can no longer care for her. Her needs are now too much for you and husband to handle. As POA your husband does not use his own money.
Its OK you can no longer care for her. Once she is in LTC, your responsibilities will be less. She will have everything she needs. She will have socialization. 3 meals a day. Her laundry done for her. You can visit when u can. Do not allow the NH to call you for every little thing. Membersvon the forum have complained about this. I never had this with my Mom. Yes, certain things they have to call you by law, likeva fall. Sending to the hospital if they hit their head. But not for every little thing. Thats why they are in care.
I suggest you deposit aunt at the nearest er.Emphasize that there is no one to toilet her or feed her on a 24 hour basis, and refuse to take her back as an unsafe discharge.
Who said so?
".. we are now the caregivers to his mid 80-year-old aunt.."
How did you volunteer for that?
"..we love her dearly".
Love. Could send flowers & a card?
You have signed youself up for DUTY for this Aunt.
Enjoy a dinner out with your son or as a couple. Conversation starter: Love VS Duty. I'd start there.
Who is her PoA? This person needs to take over the care and get her transitioned into a good, reputable facility. The PoA needs to read the document to see what activates the authority, like a medical diagnosis of sufficient impairment.
If the Aunt doesn't have a PoA then call social services for her county and start talking to them about court-appointed guardianship. A guardian will take care of all her needs and help her transition into LTC.
If she's already on Medicaid, and the debt is only hers (so she's not joint with your husband on her credit cards or loan, etc) then the creditors have nothing to go after. If they call, don't talk to them. If they send letters, ignore them.
If she can't walk and needs 100% care then she certainly should medically qualify for LTC.
The other family members will give you a hard time about defending your boundary. No matter. Don't give them any reason except "We don't want to do it." If you give them any other reason, they will negotiate with you. Don't give them that foothold. If they are upset then they can take on the responsibility themselves.
I'm sorry you're in this distressing situation and now have new health concerns. All the more reason to defend your family boundaries. I wish you all the best.
I’m sorry but I don’t know the answer about the credit card debt . Perhaps a Medicaid planner , social worker , or eldercare lawyer could help . Or someone else on the Forum can tell you .
I’m sorry to hear about you and your son’s diagnosis’ .
Ignore that family thinks your husband has nothing to do or that they give opinions .
The aunt is adamant , but your husband will need to tell her that her care needs are too much to handle at home any longer and she will need to go to SNF ( Medicaid ) facility since she is total care .
You are not selfish or whiney, and your concerns for how this effects your families health , and marriage are legitimate .
Is the POA in effect yet so your husband can have his aunt placed in a nursing home , if she attempts to refuse ?