I’m Australian & my husband is American but we live in Australia. He immigrated over 20yrs ago much to his mother’s disgust. Shes at the point where she needs care but being in Australia we don’t know where to start with the different care options, organisations, govt dept etc etc. At the moment she lives in her own home in an over 55 mobile home park near Sacramento. She says it’s not worth much to sell & she doesn’t have a lot of money to go into a care home. From time to time she has ppl come in & help her at home but they’re usually a friend of a friends uncles daughter if you know what I mean & it generally ends up with her accusing them of stealing or abuse & kicking them out. She’s a very difficult woman to deal with & being in Australia we can’t be there which of course she’s very bitter about & takes every opportunity to make my husband feel guilty for not being there to take care of her which makes me angry because she never took care of her boys when they were young with horrific consequences for them, but I know he feels guilty even though he can’t be around her for long & now won’t go at all unless I’m with him as last time he went over for a couple of weeks on his own to try & help her & lasted 2 days before she started screaming at him for not coming back to USA permanently to take care of her. The last straw was when she accused him of abusing her so he packed his bags & came home & now won’t visit her on his own. We’re due to come over in May & are hoping to sort out a better solution for her care.Just wanted to give you a brief back story but hoping someone can point us in the right direction of how we can tap into care/services for her. Appreciate any advice 😊
This is an unhappy and problematic woman. She is attempting to guilt trip her own child. What does that say about her?
Not much good, I would say.
I always say that we should move at least 1,000 miles from our parent and I say that as a parent with children.
What does hubby suppose happens to the 100s of 1,000s of people, aging and ill in our country and in any other WHO HAVE NO CHILDREN? Right. They take care of themselves and they access their systems for the best care they can afford or can access.
Wish your MIL good luck of that.
Make your husband read every word here.
And get on with your lives.
Your mother in law will do what I WILL DO (because there is no way on earth I would burden my children's lives with my slow burning funeral pyre). She will do the best she can with the assets she has saved over a lifetime, and with her own friends in her own system in her own city and county and state. The best she can. Lest she, who has HAD HER LIFE, takes down with her the children who have a right to THEIR OWN LIVES.
Please do not let this woman near you. As to guilt it is entirely inappropriate. Her son did not cause her aging, did not prevent her saving, cannot make her happy and isn't responsible to do so. Without causation of her problems guilt is entirely off the sheet for her. He can feel grief that she is living her life in this MISERABLE manner BY CHOICE. But that's about it. Grief is the other G word and it's appropriate.
Mom can get a roommate. Mom can sell her place and go into ALF as long as funds last and mom can access medicaid when she no longer has funds. That is how it goes. She will NOT be alone. And they love to sit together and discuss their mutual and respective miseries.
My advice to you. DO NOT COME HERE. Not together and not alone. But definitely do not let him shoulder her alone. And let her know that you have no special godlike power to solve her miseries with the wave of a wand. Tell her to join a senior center and discuss with other elders what THEY are doing. Tell her that your intervening in ANY WAY is not now and never will be an option.
And know that you could move heaven and earth and it wouldn't make this woman happy or satisfied for a single second. I say that as a happy and satisfied 82 year old who would die rather than do this to my children.
We will be going over in May but only for a week. My husband needs to see her if for nothing else to see if what she tells us is actually true because telling the truth is not her forte! He also needs to know he’s done everything he can for her. Imo he already has but he feels obligated so I’ll go with him but we will not be staying with her, we have rented Airbnb so we aren’t stuck there 24/7.
Our plan is to try & make contact with the dept of aged services over there & find out financially what so of care she has access to.
Shes the same age as you but definitely not as logical you!
I agree with most of what you said although I don’t like being 1000 miles away from my kids which is the case with 1 of them but we’re very close & I could never do to them what she’s doing to my husband. They’re good kids & I know they would want to take care of me but I don’t want them to give up their path in life for me, that’s just something I can’t live with. My only request is that they phone & visit as often as their live allows.
My upbringing was worlds apart from my husband, I can’t imagine growing up not having anyone he could trust or depend on the have his back unconditionally as a child & having a selfish narcissistic mother. I doubt the poor man could conjure up one good memory, I know I can’t in the 20 yrs I’ve known her.
Thanks for reading 😊
She will make both your lives hell when you visit because she can and you will be a new emotional vampire source for her to feed on.
why do that to yourselves? Go on holiday instead.
So she is a person with serious and lifelong emotional/personality problems who also neglected and abused her kids. I think calling her county’s Adult Protective Services if you feel she is unable to care for herself is all you need to do.
I wonder why your husband wants to subject himself to more exposure to this destructive person. I think instead he should maintain a safe distance and healthy boundaries.
The kids waking up to the Hells Angels she’d been partying with all over the lounge room floor is lack of safe care, this she was actually proud of because in her mind no one would be game to go near her kids with Hells Angels around! I was horrified!
Like all abused kids I guess he’d been conditioned to think this is normal family life & she had convinced both the boys she was to be idolised & put up on a pedestal so they did. His brother & his partner moved in with her & took care of her for a while although it was also a roof over their head as well.
She used to call his partner a whore to her face & she tried to have him arrested for abuse & then sold up & moved because she was sick of them.
When he died no one could get hold of her because she turned off her phone knowing he was dying of cancer & didnt have long. Who does that! She went to visit him briefly before he died & promptly caused a drama because we wouldn’t let her swan in & call the shots.
As you can see I really don’t care if she dropped of the face of the earth & although my husband will be riddled with guilt thanks to her manipulation I honestly think life for him especially will be so much better when she’s gone.
For now though he needs to know he’s done everything he can so I’ll go along with him & make sure she toes the line as she knows I won’t take her abuse like the brothers partner did.
Thanks for reading.
She can call her local Area Agency on Aging for some guidance and resources.
Honestly, the "least bad" solution may be to call 911 when she starts screaming at him and accusing him again. Tell the EMTs that she isn't in her right mind and may have an undiagnosed UTI. If they are able to get her to the ER, you talk to the discharge people and tell them she's an "unsafe discharge". Then, no matter what the hospital promises, or how insistent your MIL is, no one takes her back to her home. Ask to talk to a hospital social worker to see if it's possible to transition her directly into a facility.
If she does stay at home but has no PoA then eventually someone will report her to APS who will ID her as a vulnerable adult and get her into a facility and a judge will assign her a 3rd party legal guardian and your husband won't have to worry about dealing with her ever again.
As you can see, there are no real good options for someone like her. So sorry.
Your husband fills guilty because he has been raised to feel this way. Mom is where she is because of choices she made. Now she needs to take advantage of what is available to her. "Sorry Mom, I can't help you. You need to help yourself. Not moving back to the States for you. You lived your life the way you wanted never thinking about how it would affect us. I am not giving up my life to carecfor you."
There is really nothing that you or your husband can do because even if you got all of her ducks in a row, there is no guarantee that she would follow up on anything you set up for her healthwise. She just sounds like a miserable old woman and is hellbent on making your lives miserable.
If no one comes to her rescue, she will be forced to help herself. It's called tough love.
She can rant and rave on her own dime and time.