Mother in law is 95. Lived in a single wide MH behind us for over 10 years. I saw dementia coming on a few years ago, but couldn't convince my husband. Dec 6, 2019 she was hysterical. Seeing people in her house...trying to steal her money...dogs under the house barking, etc. I have butted heads with her for more than 40 years, but I agreed she could no longer live by herself. We moved her into a spare bedroom. Husband works seasonal, so he cared for her Dec-Mar. When COVID19 hit, I had to work at home. I still work full time and when this crazy time is over, I will have to go back to my office. (husband is working his seasonal job now)
Many problems: she is mostly spanish speaking (I don't speak it well), deaf and refuses to wear her hearing aids, still sees and hears things (undiagnosed dementia), wears diapers and rags (we bought depends and she wants to "save them" for when she goes out), walks with a walker (but we have to watch her 100% of her waking time...tries to walk with it behind her??), wanders when left alone, dozes off during the day..in a chair. Refuses to lay in bed. "Loses" all kinds of things and finds them in strange places. Sundowners....goes to bed at 8p-930p, then spends the next 2 hours tearing up a 10 x 12 bedroom. We have a monitor in her room. We can't go to bed until she is asleep. She had many falls at her house, and a couple since living with us. Doesn't remember when you tell her things. Had a 6' rattler in our carport. Had to put her back on the porch 3 times before we could kill it!!! She talks about people, uses strange names, then gets frustrated when her son doesn't know what she is talking about. When she has bad moments, she only speaks rapid spanish. Not the broken english I can keep up with.
She ALSO has a small dog that USED to be potty trained. Don't want to even talk about my carpets. This animal requires more care than I bargained for. I know mother in law would die without her.
We are 60 and 63. My husband is the only living child. She has outlived 2 husbands and 2 sons. Her physical and mental health are deteriorating....My children are self absorbed and no help. We can't afford to pay someone to watch her. Barely keeping above water ourselves. She is on Medicare and Medicaid.
We have taken in family members for most of our married life. Ex son in law and 2 grandchildren lived with us most of 2019. Moved out before Thanksgiving.....then 2 weeks later we have mother in law. We no longer have a life and not a clue where to turn to get help..........
Having written all this, NOW I really feel overwhelmed!
What a pickle! This is certainly not a good time to try to get someone placed, but let's start with the dementia and the sundowning.
Does she see a doctor? Can you get a referral to a psychiatrist or neurologist who speaks Spanish so that you can get some medication on board that will help with the agitation
Where does she get rags from? Can you "dry up" that source so that she MUST wear the depends?
Have you talked to your local Area Agency on Aging to locate resources?
Have you applied to Medicaid for Aides?
Start looking into NH's for her. She is unable to care for herself (I can't imagine watching the 2 hr drama that happens each night as she tears her room apart!)
Life will go back to a 'new normal' and you will return to work. Who will be there then?
For HER sake, get her into a living arrangement that can be workable and ease the burden off you. The have the MH cleaned to a fare-thee-well and rent it out. Use that money to shore up mom if you need to.
As far as your kids being self absorbed--you are close to my age, and I have 5 kids. I DO NOT have any expectations as to them helping my mother or MIL. They're not SELF ABSORBED--they are absorbed in trying to raise their own families and work their own careers. The most I could ever ask of one of them as per help for granny would be to pick up a loaf of bread or milk--I expect them to raise their kids and not their grands. (I do realize the cultural differences at play here).
Your MIL is set up for a fall of epic proportions and it will be much worse on all of you.
During this lock down (and my educated guess is that NH's will be the LAST places open) you can do your hunting for a NH for your MIL and have it ready to move into as soon as they re-open. (2 months? 6? It's a new number everyday).
She IS a well person, she isnt sick, she needs psych meds.
2 things to do:
1. Call or email Medicare and Medicaid.
2. Call doctor's office back and ask for a telemed visit or a call back from the doctor .
https://www.hhs.gov/answers/medicare-and-medicaid/how-do-i-replace-my-medicare-card/index.html
Medicaid is a state-specific program, so I would google "how do I get a replacement Medicaid card" and the name of your state.
I'm not sure what your mean by this. Can you not call the local Area Agency on Aging? Or do you mean that you've called them and they were of no assistance?
We are a bunch of current and former caregivers who are here to brainstorm with you. DON'T give up.
We care.
While you may not have as good of fortune as I did, getting the depends from health insurance company, I still think integrated Medicare-Medicaid would be helpful for anyone who can get it.
The big problem of caring for an elder Loved One who’s declining is a tough one. You’ll find lots of support and input here in this online forum. Welcome!