I don't hate but for sure do not like her. My husband is asian, i an mentioning because you should keep in mind the cultural differences. My MIL never ever worked. All her sons lives in abroad including my husband. She is a widow since many years. Always lived with her kids recently the last one moved abroad so now she lives with all of them, few months with us, then the other...few month she spend in Asia with her relatives. We send money every time. She doesn't know the worth of money, spending everything, not saving plus she has separate bank account with lots of money she does't touch. We send money which are more than enough. Her relatives pay bill, food, this is just for clothes, medicines and other things. She spend all even last time she changed her all old clothes with new. Whenever she lives abroad with us, she asks for very expensive phone, tablet newest, lipsticks. Ok we pay it. But she does only sleep and cook not to help but because This is her fav hobby. She does not help with kids, nothing. We even still hire babysitter and childminder as i work. We earn but we have kids plus bills and one million things. She does not understand as she is uneducated useleess person who sleeps OnLy. Her health is perfect just fee medicines she takes with most old people take. We take her everywhere she is lazy to walk few steps. She dies not go alone anywhere shopping or anything nor abroad nor her asian country. She is used Someone to take care of her like gor baby. But i already have babies. She is scared to stay 1 day alone in the house and call us snd complain we left her, she doesnt want to come with us either. Antisocial. She is scared according to her to go anywhere alone. Always prefer to stay at home with months when she is with or her other kids, she is same. Only cook spicy things with my kids do not eat, waste food but i allow her as this is her hobby, change outfits 3 times per day, make hair masks and show her hair to everyone how long is. All the time. While not realising we are abroad, work hard, have kids, bills, worries, problems...she just js like new born baby who doesnt realize anything. I am tired of her. She is not a bad person and i treat her with respect but i m tired. Her other grsbdchildren call her mum but in their language. She was teaching mine same but i said she is Grandma so they can call her names for grandma in whatever language she wants. What should i do? Thanks
And whatever you do, please, please do not deprive your children of their fantastic cultural heritage.
Sponsorship - you DO NOT want your hubby to sponsor her. You are liable for all her expenses for 5+ years if she cannot meet them, and old people have very expensive medical problems no matter how much fortune they have back home. We considered sponsoring my DIL until we found out that our son was making enough to sponsor her, and we really had to think as she is in her prime childbearing years- we thought births might be too expensive for us to cover! They are nothing compared to heart attacks, stroke, cancer, or hip fractures.
If you are submissive to your husband, there is nothing you can do to keep him from treating his mother like a queen. You have probably already enrolled the children in after school programs so they don't have as much contact with her. Tell husband that it is more expensive for the children since the babysitter does not want the responsibility of taking care of grandma if something happens while she is there, so some of his budget for mom needs to be diverted to the children's fund.
My retired pastor married into an Asian family, and his father in law lived nearby. As I remember, FIL did not speak English, and only stayed around his housing complex where there were other people from his home country. I think he joined the YMCA (very cheap for seniors) and joined a walking group where he met others who were not in his complex, but that could have been another family. How about searching the internet for (your nationality) senior program (your city).
The problem is that your MIL has become too comfortable. If your husband wants to send money while she's away, that's on him. But that doesn't mean she gets to do nothing when staying with you.
Definitely talk with your husband. Chances are he's going to side with her anyway. Whatever the case may be, ask your MIL for help around the house. Maybe if you get to know one another better your relationship might improve.
I would let her choose what name she wants to be called, just like I did with my own family. My kids let me decide what to be called as well. In fact I am a great grandmother and my name didn't change with the next generation. It's her identification, not yours. Yours is secure with your children. They will not be confused as to who is their mother.
Is it your MIL's fault that she came from that rarefied stratum of her society? Do you resent her never having done a day's work, as you see it?
How does she behave towards you? Is she openly critical, or would you be very surprised to think that she might find you a bit intimidating - so modern, so capable, so full of energy - and actually not know how to fit in with what you want? I just wonder if there might be bridges you can build with her so that you discover a personality you might find more attractive (after all, she made your lovely husband didn't she?). Why not ask her to show you how to make some good, quick family dishes from her own cuisine, for example? - gosh, come to that, you could hire her out to teach classes..!
I meant to add about the 'what the children call her' issue before: make allowances for differences in honorifics, such as calling respected females 'auntie' and so on. There are differences in family structures and the titles that go with them, she's not trying to usurp you in the children's affections.
I ran the risk of alienating them but didn't care. I clearly stated from the beginning."I am not living with you, cooking for you, cleaning for you. I am your sons wife and he is my family and we will live as we want to. If you want to be part of our life you have to accept it. Period"
I think my husbands Mom would never admit it but she secretly respects me for not giving in to their cultural expectations. We don't love each other but we tolerate each other and that is better than nothing.
I am extremely taken with the image of a mother of many children who has never worked. Hmm. She must have had some pretty miraculous children, then.
More comfortingly, as far as I can gather it is also a grand tradition in Asian cultures for wives to swap horror stories about their mothers-in-law. Maybe there's a club you could join?! - but, again, I really don't think you'd win any prizes.
You need to understand one thing: when she goes to visit her relatives in Asia it will be critically important for her to emphasise how brilliantly her son is doing and how much spending money he lavishes on her. She's not being a wastrel, this is about taking pride in him. If she made economies they would think either he or she was being cheap. Is it creating a financial problem?
I don't hate but for sure do not like her. My husband is asian, i am mentioning this because you should keep in mind the cultural differences. My MIL has never ever worked. All her sons lives in abroad including my husband. She is a widow since many years. Always lived with her kids recently the last one moved abroad so now she lives with all of them, few months with us, then the other so, then other and other...few month she spend in Asia with her relatives as well. We send money every month if she in with her relatives. She doesn't know the worth of money, spending everything, not saving plus she has another bank account with lots of money she does't touch and dor this she has second and she uses this one only. The other one is in case something happen so she can use it. We send money which are more than enough. Her relatives pay bill, food, this is just for clothes, medicines and other things. She spend all even last time she changed her all old clothes with new. Whenever she lives abroad with us, she asks for very expensive phones, tablet newest always, lipsticks, earings. Ok we pay for each and evetything. But she does only sleep and cook, and she cooks not to help but because this is her fav hobby And the one thobg she knows. She does not help with in taking care of grand kids in fact she does nothing whole day. We even still hire babysitter and childminder as I work. We earn but we have kids plus bills and one million things. She does not understand as she is uneducated useleess person who only sleeps onIy. Her health is perfect just Takes basic medicines like most old people take. We take her everywhere she is lazy to walk few steps. She does not go alone anywhere shopping or anything nor abroad nor her asian country alone, very rare she leave house with someone else as well. She is used someone to take care of her like for a baby. But i already have babies. She is scared to stay 1 day alone in the house and calls us snd complain we left her, she doesnt want to come with us either. Antisocial. She is scared according to her to go anywhere alone And feeling cold all the time as she wear thin asian clothes not suitable for place where we live. Always prefer to stay at home with months, when she is with or her other sons, she is same. Only cook spicy things with my kids do not eat, waste food but I dont mind it as this is her hobby, change outfits 3 times per day, make hair masks and show her hair to everyone how long is. All the time. While not realising we are abroad, work hard, have kids, bills, worries, problems...she just is like new born baby who doesn't realize anything. I am tired of her. She is not a bad person and i treat her with respect but i m tired. Her other grandchildren call her MUM but in their her asian language. She was teaching mine same but i said she is Grandma so they can call her names for grandma in whatever language she wants But not mother. What should i do? Thanks