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Carol, This is a difficult and sensitive area, confidentiality. What could you do? This won't be the last time you take the heat for doing what you thought was right. There is a saying: "No good deed goes unpunished."
You did nothing wrong, take that as consolation. imo.
Yes, Gershun, the doctor did the right thing because confidentiality is between your Mom and the doctor, no one else. Contacting the doctor after being told to stop wasting his time-would that be rude?
Carol, There could be a whole lot going on here including the doctor's poor attitude, as reported by your Mom.
Does your Mother or your family make calls to him often? Is this your first call to the doctor?
Does she seek medical attention too often when she is lonely or bored? Does she live alone, drive a car?
In addition to memory issues, does your Mom lie, make up stories, that you have noticed are exaggerated or untrue? This is called confabulation.
Anything else you have noticed about Mom?
How old is your Mom, and does she have any other conditions, medications, or alcohol that may interfere with her memory?
Be assured, that in a family, it happens often that the person first noticing these things and having caring concerns is not heard, not given any credibility, and discounted.
This happens a lot to the primary caregiver, and is perpetrated by the family, siblings, friends, and yes, even by doctors. You are not alone, and many here have experienced what you are going through.
Start documenting your concerns for the time you will be taking Mom to a geriatric specialist who will listen. imo.
update: All those wonderful answers were not showing when I drafted this post. Obviously Carol, you are not alone!
As you say, you have no idea what the doctor ACTUALLY said to your mom. He could have said " your family has concerns about your cognitive functioning; they sure are a great group of kids". And she'd STILL be mad, am I right?
YOU did the right thing. Here's what I would do next; I'd write the doctor a very sweet note, saying that you're so glad that he took you concerns seriously, and you're so glad that mom reported back that he did a full cognitive assessment and found that your fears were groundless.
I would type this and I'd send it return receipt requested so that you have proof that he's recieved feedback on what your mother told you HIS assessment of the situation is. This puts the ball firmly in HIS court as to correcting your mom's perhaps mistaken impression.
Carol, there is nothing in terms of professional confidentiality requirements to stop your mother's doctor telling her that you called him and what you told him. Though ethically, he did not either have to disclose your conversation to her.
That said. The man - how did someone put it so beautifully? - hasn't the sense God gave a cucumber.
There are two possibilities. 1. see above. 2. the doctor genuinely expected her to appreciate your concern and agree to objective assessment of her cognitive function.
Diplomatically, it was plain stupid.
In terms of his patient's best interest, he has not only wasted an opportunity to confirm or investigate her mental health but has succeeded in arousing her active opposition to that.
The wasting his time bit sounds more like your mother's interpretation of his having said something along the lines of, ooh, I don't know "I hope this is a waste of time, but maybe we should just check you over."
If it were me, I'd take 24 hours to recover my temper. Then I'd send him an email. Say you regret the loss of an opportunity to carry out a thorough baseline assessment of your mother's mental capacity, which would have been so useful for monitoring her health in the future. Lay out a few (five or so) specific examples of the lapses you and the family have been noticing. Ask if he can advise you how you might in future ensure that problems are addressed, seeing as your mother is now unlikely to accept your input whether or not she needs it. And ask if he can recommend any experienced geriatricians or older age psychiatrists who might be called on should the need develop (you don't have to add: and who might be more use than a chocolate teapot).
But do sleep on it. You must be seething, and you don't want to be dismissed as Angry Daughter.
Carol, the almost identical scenario happened when I was getting concerned with my Mom's cognitive state. I phoned her Doctor's office, explained the situation with the receptionist and she booked us in to talk to Mom's doctor. However, I explained this was what I had planned to do with my Mom before I went. When the doctor came out and realized ...............cause his receptionist had not explained beforehand.........he looked all disgruntled, went into his office and came back 15 mins. later. Apparently he had phoned my Mom when he left, she said it was fine and he came back out. He gave us a forms to fill out where we ticked off a few things, basically it stated Mom was failing to thrive which are the key words if you want the medical system to take any of your concerns seriously. At least here in Canada.
I think legally, unless your parent has been declared incompetent or failing to thrive, the doctor has the old patient/doctor privacy to consider. It's their oath they swear to isn't it. The old Hippocratic oath "do no harm" and all that. If your Mom is mad.............I guess she has a perfect right. Her doctor did the right thing in my opinion.
Mom had regular dr. Appt family has noticed some memory laps so I called dr before she went to make him aware of our concern to see if he noticed anything and if our concern was necessary. Dr then informed mom I called and to tell me he was not concerned and was too busy to be dealing with calls that were wasting his time. Now did he really say that no one is sure but the fact he told mom I called and why I called made her very angry that I would think she is "losing her mind" which is not an unexpected reaction but unnecessary as he I my opinion didn't need to tell her and upset her. Any elder would be mad and deny any mental failings. Any way I just need opinions was he right to tell her. Should I confront his bed side manner. Than you for time
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
This is a difficult and sensitive area, confidentiality.
What could you do? This won't be the last time you take the heat for doing what you thought was right.
There is a saying:
"No good deed goes unpunished."
You did nothing wrong, take that as consolation. imo.
Contacting the doctor after being told to stop wasting his time-would that be rude?
There could be a whole lot going on here including the doctor's poor attitude, as reported by your Mom.
Does your Mother or your family make calls to him often?
Is this your first call to the doctor?
Does she seek medical attention too often when she is lonely or bored? Does she live alone, drive a car?
In addition to memory issues, does your Mom lie, make up stories, that you have noticed are exaggerated or untrue? This is called confabulation.
Anything else you have noticed about Mom?
How old is your Mom, and does she have any other conditions, medications, or alcohol that may interfere with her memory?
Be assured, that in a family, it happens often that the person first noticing these things and having caring concerns is not heard, not given any credibility, and discounted.
This happens a lot to the primary caregiver, and is perpetrated by the family, siblings, friends, and yes, even by doctors. You are not alone, and many here have experienced what you are going through.
Start documenting your concerns for the time you will be taking Mom to a geriatric specialist who will listen. imo.
update: All those wonderful answers were not showing when I drafted this post. Obviously Carol, you are not alone!
As you say, you have no idea what the doctor ACTUALLY said to your mom. He could have said " your family has concerns about your cognitive functioning; they sure are a great group of kids". And she'd STILL be mad, am I right?
YOU did the right thing. Here's what I would do next; I'd write the doctor a very sweet note, saying that you're so glad that he took you concerns seriously, and you're so glad that mom reported back that he did a full cognitive assessment and found that your fears were groundless.
I would type this and I'd send it return receipt requested so that you have proof that he's recieved feedback on what your mother told you HIS assessment of the situation is. This puts the ball firmly in HIS court as to correcting your mom's perhaps mistaken impression.
PS, i think you're a great daughter!
That said. The man - how did someone put it so beautifully? - hasn't the sense God gave a cucumber.
There are two possibilities. 1. see above. 2. the doctor genuinely expected her to appreciate your concern and agree to objective assessment of her cognitive function.
Diplomatically, it was plain stupid.
In terms of his patient's best interest, he has not only wasted an opportunity to confirm or investigate her mental health but has succeeded in arousing her active opposition to that.
The wasting his time bit sounds more like your mother's interpretation of his having said something along the lines of, ooh, I don't know "I hope this is a waste of time, but maybe we should just check you over."
If it were me, I'd take 24 hours to recover my temper. Then I'd send him an email. Say you regret the loss of an opportunity to carry out a thorough baseline assessment of your mother's mental capacity, which would have been so useful for monitoring her health in the future. Lay out a few (five or so) specific examples of the lapses you and the family have been noticing. Ask if he can advise you how you might in future ensure that problems are addressed, seeing as your mother is now unlikely to accept your input whether or not she needs it. And ask if he can recommend any experienced geriatricians or older age psychiatrists who might be called on should the need develop (you don't have to add: and who might be more use than a chocolate teapot).
But do sleep on it. You must be seething, and you don't want to be dismissed as Angry Daughter.
I think legally, unless your parent has been declared incompetent or failing to thrive, the doctor has the old patient/doctor privacy to consider. It's their oath they swear to isn't it. The old Hippocratic oath "do no harm" and all that. If your Mom is mad.............I guess she has a perfect right. Her doctor did the right thing in my opinion.
It says yours is the top answer!