I'm putting my Mom in a home and she is fighting me tooth and nail, any advice on how to ease her pain of abandonment?

SheMay, i don't know what you mom's impairments are, but YOU have MS. In addition, you have been caring for her for 3 years. Isn't it fair that your brother takes a turn?

It's hard enough to caretake a loved one when we're 100%. Well, 100% yes. But older. Darned near impossible many days. To mention a practical fact, people are living longer and longer. And the people taking CARE of these people are getting older and older. There's a breaking point.

And the alternative? A safe place to live...surrounded by peers...organized social programs...three healthy meals a day...young, strong and trained staff to help as needed...routine medical care on premise...smiling faces...accommodations designed to facilitate mom's physical limitations...

Will it take time for mom to adjust? Undoubtedly. But there comes a time in our lives when we have to do "the next right thing" even when our heart aches. This is your moment.

We love our parents with all of our hearts. And when we know we've done the best we can? Well, we simply must be content with that.

Call mom often...send her little inexpensive surprise packages once in a while...mail her cards and letters...visit when you can. She'll be okay. And your heart will heal.

SheMay1, you are making sure that your mom gets the care she needs and you are taking care of your husband and yourself. You are doing the right thing. Give your mother time to adjust. My mother went through ups and downs but she seems to have found some kind of balance now. She knows everyone and she has a couple of good friends.

I feel your pain. I hired help each morning and Saturdays. Ive had mom over 7 years with us and i truly understand. In home help is all i can suggest for you or visit your.mom every day as if she is still home with you. No doubt she will decline in a nh, but if you are sick there's only that or homecare.

Guilt is not an appropriate emotion as it applies to when you've done something wrong or committed an offense. Objectively you made a decision that is in you and your husband's best interest as well as your mother's. She will be near your brother, getting proper medical care, meals and social interaction. Sometimes we have this vision in our minds of how things "should be". And when they aren't, then we have trouble accepting reality. I hope you will step back and look at things and take the emotional aspect out of it so you can see the positive. You've have been a caring daughter and now what's best for her and you is the next right course of action. Guilt has no place. You may be sad, feeling unnecessary, or even abandoned. But guilt, no. Take care of yourself. Stress is the big killer of an immune system and exacerbates many diseases and symptoms. You deserve a good life...your mother would tell you so too. Hugs

I know how you feel. i had no option but to put my mum into a care home in jan, the night before she entered i went along with pictures, photo albums, cd player and the ornaments that meant so much to her, i put all her clothes in the wardrobe & drawers to make it look like home. at first she loved it, then hated it , then loved it again, this continues even now. i take out the albums regularly and try to see if she can remember any events, wedding photos etc. i visit almost daily and yes her health has declined, i torture myself thinking is it because i put her there? or is her dementia, a ct.scan was done recently due to another stroke i was told her her brain is more damaged, her short term memory completely gone, would my health improved if i kept her at home, NO. could i have prevented a stroke? NO. talk to her as you normally would, take in treats, look through albums, do youre best that is all you can do, i hope once you have some time with youre husband, less stressed about mum that youre health can improve, i hope so. all the best.

Don't feel bad I am sure she understands and knows most men are helpless and can't hardly care for them self's so she will get better care if she dose go to a home she knows you will still be as helpful as ever and your brother will visit her in her new home make her comfortable long before she moves gowith her and visit it a lot eat there walk the grounds do the activity's help with them as well have a moving party for her send out invites and new address and phone number then hava wellcom party at her new place for her if over time she has made a friend there they will love it most are not unsocial only under socialized life dose not stop at the nursing home door make her life and others there life more happy and normal I give them gifts of hairbrushes and jewlery paper little things they don't get to shop for because not all can get out or have visitors to get there needs

SheMay1, I truly understand the struggle you are facing. We are facing the same issue right now, but i can tell you this, if you pick a nice place for mom this may actually be a good thing for her. My mom tells me all the time "this is to much for you girls" we have been watching over her for 14 years. I think she wants us to make a change to ease the burden. When she was in rehab she really enjoyed it and our visits focused on things other than care so they were relaxed and everyone enjoyed them. We are hoping a move now will produce the same results. I hope the best for you and mom. Ruth Anne

You've had a couple of helpful answers SheMay1, so I'll just add my experience (16years as a Carer/Diversional Therapist, in an Age Care Facility). I always say to the Family members of our Residents, "It will take 4 weeks before Mum will start to settle...sometimes a little longer for the fiesty little ones!... But she WILL settle. When she gets to know staff and other residents, she will feel more relaxed. It is HARD and she needs time to grieve.... it is all part of the process of letting go." I won't lie and say she will be happy there but you have done your part. Love cuts BOTH ways. You have been a loving daughter and given as much as you can....now it's Mum's turn to return that love and be grateful for the sacrifice you have made for HER. It is her turn to make a sacrifice and GIVE BACK.. and sacrifice is never easy. You didn't say if Mum has Dementia or is just struggling with old age, either way, it is not going to be easy for you BUT you are making the RIGHT decision. Try to pour a little of the love that you have so graciously poured on your Mum.... back on to yourself. Give yourself the same Grace and pull back.
It is YOUR turn Love..... care for YOU now! Big Hug!!

I agree with everyone above. Bring as many of her special things as you can, and lots of pictures. Stay in touch.

Time is the great healer. And it works faster than you might imagine.

If your mom has memory loss, she will adjust quickly. My mom forgot about her home very quickly, her beloved little dog (that she had had with her in AL died) and she forgot all about him in a week.

If your mom is mentally fit and rational, then I would just have a good, honest talk with her. She knows what your challenges are. She will understand.

My mother went into AL in July. She had been with us since October 2014 after a second fall in her home. She is able to do her ADL's except for taking a shower in our home as we were not set up with safety bars, but she did have a shower chair. She was trying to help around the house, sweep the floors and leaving her walker some where else. I told her 100 times that is not safe. I work six days a week for my husband. Dealing with customers on the phone all day plus my other duties, coming home and having mom to deal with. One day my husband was cleaning the kitchen, he moved the stove and we had roaches. I about lost my mind. She had been sweeping the dog food under the stove. Then I found dog food thrown about in her room, behind the recliner, tv. That was my breaking point. I told her that she needed more care than I could give her. She understood. I've been on this forum for a while. I am lucky I don't have it as bad as some of the stories I have read here, but I didn't want to get to that point. My mom has settled in her AL. It took a few weeks. Now when I go to visit, I'm a daughter visiting her mom, not a daughter who was yelling all the time. When I visit and the the time is coming for her to downstairs for her meal, she basically tells me to leave. She is eating much better as I am not much of a cook. Give your mom some time to adjust. You are doing this for her best interest and yours.

I've just in the last 6 months had the same problem. The doctors told me there was no choice. At 70 and being her sole caregiver for years I was worn out and couldn't afford help. My health was steadily going downhill. My brother has Alzheimers and his kids just had to make the same decision. The guilt eats you alive even though you know you can no longer do it. I go every day and feed her. I hung her favorite things on the wall. I made a collage of pictures of all the family and put it on the wall. I put foam pads and sheepskin on her bed to make it more comfortable. I bake cookies and brownies and take something different every day. I eat lunch with her. It helps her eat. We have coffee and discuss her therapy. Even though I know she won't come home I never take away her hope, because she forgets everything we talk about as soon as I leave. I put her crosses on the wall and keep her Bible on the table. She goes to church, but nothing else. If you mom would get involved in the social activities it would really help her. My mom is 92 and it takes 2 aides just to transfer her so she can't really do much, but I see the others with their friends and they do well. I hope your brother will do better. Take care of yourself. If you let your health go down then you can't take care of yourself. I was so stressed I've lost 38 pounds, but I needed to. I'm sure you don't. God bless. It's a difficult journey!!

LisaInJersey is right... when my mom moved into assisted living, our relationship was mostly able to return to pleasant social visits, rather than her needing help, and me jumping through hoops to try to do more than I could safely handle. Yes, there are still little fires that need putting out from time to time as far as speaking to staff on her behalf, etc, but for the most part the stress in my life has greatly reduced. As my husband so wisely put it "Yes, your mother is a patient, but I don't need TWO patients if you make yourself sick trying to care for her!" It will work out... give it time.

I just went through this with my dad. 95 next month, dementia, a mild stroke and extreme hearing loss. I tried to keep him at home with 24 hr live in aides, but it was Hell for him and for me. During the stroke in May I was in the process of moving. I would go daily to the hospital then to rehab. He had lived alone before the stroke. I was in the process of getting him an aide a couple of hours a day and then as he got used to it extending the hours. The morning I was meeting with the nurse from the agency, we found him on the floor. He had the stroke. The agencies I used were horrendous. I spent more time doing for my father yet paying them high fees. Finally his doctor said it was time to go to memory care, where hexwould get care pkus stimulation. I couldn't tell him he could no longer live in his home. I told him the house needed extensive repair and he had to live in a hotel for awhile. It was suggested that I not visit him for a week or 2 to let him adjust. It was a week ago Friday that he went in and they asked me to visit last Tues as he had been asking for me. I went just before lunch. He/seems to be adjusting well, but it was the hardest thing I ever did to take him there. I know it was the right decision and with the memory loss, he couldn't be in a better place. I'm getting over the guilt. Just knowing he's being well taken care of helps an awful lot. I'm an only child so there was nobody to help. Hard as it was, it was best for him and that's what matters.

in 2007 I had major heart surgery and my wife had to be in the nursing home until I recovered. After three months the doctor said I was no longer capable of caring for her and she would have to stay in the nursing home. She did feel abandoned, but I told her that the only alternative would be to see me likely pass away in a year or two and to please try to make the best of it. She had trouble emotionally when I first talked to her about that, but soon enough she adjusted and now she has been there all these years and is satisfied with her life.

grace + peace,
Bob

If possible spend the first night with her. It's what really helped my mom adjust. It will still be difficult for her, just not so jarring a change all at once. Let her know what time you'll be leaving in the morning, which will be preferably right after breakfast.

I am trying to get my parents [mid-90 and both are fall risks now] to leave their home and go into something more elder friendly. Of course they both say they can manage on their own. I am so emotionally drained that I don't think guilt will find its way into my mind :P

I want to do what is best for them, that will give them MORE freedom in a safer environment, and to give me finally MORE freedom to get my life and health back on track, if it is not too late.

I can partly empathize with you, as I also have artificial hips. Even though I am a retired nurse, I have found the past year of having my 87 yr, old husband home on hospice care is very challenging. I was not happy with even 5 days of respite care for him while I recovered from the 2nd hip surgery. If I were in your place, I would first know that I had done all I could do for her. Secondly I would have my brother make certain that she is safe, clean, hydrated, well fed, & free of pressure sores. also make sure that she is being treated in a kindly manner and monitored for conditions that warrant a doctor's care, ie., UT I's pneumonia, and debilitating diarrhea. Your feelings are quite normal. Go to her as often as you are able.Tell her you love her, hug her, read to her, pray for her if that is your belief, and then let go and let God. I will pray for you to have strength & courage!

I came to this forum over a year ago and read many posts from adult children saying "this was the hardest /most painful decision of my life" and I took some comfort knowing what others went through. My mom broke her 2nd hip at 94 living alone and refusing help in her home. She has some paranoid/ocd tendencies and never let anyone in her home. She had no real friends in neighborhood..just a neighbor who took in her garbage pails and another who mailed her letters. Sister and I lived 2hrs away from her. She went to rehab for her hip and we told her she had to go to AL FROM there to be near my sister . She fought every step of the way. Said horrible things to us that i never heard from her in my life. Scared the staff at rehab by saying she'd kill herself rather than go to AL. (Italian drama,runs in the family). Meantime we moved her things to AL near my sister and had her favorite things in there. Once there she was nice to the staff but on the phone with me laid on so much guilt I cried every night after our phone call. My health suffered. Yes it was becoming the hardest, most painful decision of my life and I am a 59 year old physician! It has taken her ONE YEAR to see that she is safe, gets regular weekly social visits from sister and grandkids, brother in law stops by when she needs something, in house Dr visits.....but nothing we said in advance helped. She looks much better now and has stopped asking to go home though every once in awhile says "I hate it here" but when we visit wants us to meet her buddies. SHEMAY1:hang in there....your mom will be a fighter like mine was but that may help her master her new situation eventually....mine took a year. You are doing what's best for her, not what she wants.
Take care of yourself too.

What help me and my friends when we moved to assisted living: Ask us what we would like to have with us - what are our favorite pictures? What knitting books and needles? favorite chair? Be sure phone and TV service is on and I know how to use them - no new fangled technology. My old familiar phone and answer machine so I don't miss your calls..

But I do want to know how to get an aide when I need help.

The recreation director will visit and find out what she might enjoy and will keep inviting her until she joins in. Mealtimes are when we socialize and meet new friends. Remind Mom that no one expects her to remember all the new names for sometime - it is OK to ask me my name over and over. Benn there done that, as the kids would say.

First morning is hardest - aid may wake her up too early. If she would like to have breakfast later, ask what accommodations can be made. 103 old has breakfast in her room when she is ready to get up.

When you put my things away for me and I have memory problems, label where they are with removable labels.

Pictures are important. But not too many.

I've heard about community medicaid, would you be eligible for that to care for both you and your mom?

No. do not do this! My mother went into the nursing home for rehabilitation on surgery that she had, this turned out to be a disaster. She caught a thing called C-Diff from one of the other residents because of the shared toilet's, now she will have this for the rest of her life, hopefully it never occurs again, but it can if she ever has anymore antibiotics. She was just in there for rehabilitation and they tried like heck to get her committed to long term care. I had to step in and stop that. They will take all of you mothers social security if they can get their hands on it, If you're mother owns a house, car, or any other luxuries the nursing home will try to take it and sell it. The meals at times where not very nutritious at times, they get all these peoples social security checks and they can't afford to feed them better. some of the staff where ok, but others where very rude. I am not trying to throw a monkey wrench into your plans, but these are some of the things that you have to take into consideration. Like the part of being susceptible to diseases that they never had in the first place that they may or may not end up with for the rest of their life. When my mom was in there she was always very un-easy she was in there for 4 months and that was it, especially when they tried to take her social security check, and they tried to have her put on nursing home Medicare, and when they do that they can then after a certain time do what they call recovery with her asset's because they can take any cars that might be in her name, sell any home that she has in her name, You're mother nor any of your siblings will never see a red cent of because it goes to the recovery of your mother being in the nursing home. If she has any insurance policies (Life Insurance) they can take that. Irrevocable trust, they can take that, pretty much anything that has her name attached to it, they can take it. Now, I'll tell you what you may want to possibly consider. Get her, her own place, get home care attendants, you can also qualify for some of these program's through her Medicare and medicade, and if she is that bad off you can get hospice to come in and look after her. Hospice will stay with her longer periods of times depending on her condition. If you use another alternative your mother will not feel like she is being abandoned, and you will not have to live with the guilt of doing something like this. I have seen way to many people do this with their parent's or parent, and they wish that someone would have warned them, because by that time it is to late and they will have your mother social security, and any asset's there will be no place for her to go, and you will either end up back at square one, or you will make a choice to leave her there. When you make this kind of decision you are in a way abandoning her, and she will end up in there for the rest of her days that she has left on earth. My mom is now home and doing way better than she ever did in there because she can come and go when she pleases, watch whatever she wants on T.V., go to bed anytime she wants, and do all the things that a person should be able to do until their last day on this earth. We have caretakers coming in to help her through her Medicare, and Medicade. So, just be for warned before you make a drastic move like this and have the situation cause any undue stress or disease that she does not need. I am telling you the things that other people won't say on this form because they are either to afraid to, or they just don't know themselves. So just, be for-warned before you take a measure like this.

Please if theirs any way don't do this, my mom passed away in April 2015 and I had her at home for 4 years before. She had been in 3 Nursing homes and all of them were awful, they are mistreated not cared for!!! I quit my job to bring mom home with me and I will NEVER regret it, as for LisainJersey maybe if you didn't yell at your mom maybe she would have done better, I could have never yelled at my mom like you said you did, and "almost lost it" you didn't need to take care of the person who loved you no matter what you did as a child, that's what your parents become, "A Child"

What is wrong with your mother that she needs care? Perhaps there is a better solution.

If it's possible, spend the night with her for the first few nights.

Wonderful helpful answers above. I am learning from it too. My dad is in AL and has just been moved to frail care. He loves seeing me and my sister now, but can hardly stay awake at times. He has very little to say to us.
My aunt on the other hand, childless and dependent at 84yrs find it difficult to adjust after 3months and she keeps phoning me. A cousin had her admitted. She does not have dementia, but the meds she's on for high BP and diabetes gets taken at inappropriate times when she lived alone. She wants me to get her out of the facility, but I am unable to care for her. I am still recovering from a broken ankle and a 3-week long bedridden flu. It is very hard, but the answers above have helped a lot. I wish you the best. Much as we want to, we are often not in a position to do it all.

So Beazer, you think I enjoyed getting upset with my mother??? You think I enjoyed having roaches in my kitchen after my husband and I asked her numerous times to leave the dog food alone? My husband has Bamboo Spine (Anklyosing Spondylitis),his spine is fused from the disease, pain that you can't possibly imagine. He could no longer help her off the floor. I don't have the luxury of quitting my job as I work for my husband. We have a mortgage and bills to pay, so we can't sit home. We work six days a week.. So Beazer, I'm sorry I can't be perfect like you in your perfect world. So Beazer, you have a great day.

Bring lots of pictures, some favorite things, favorite clothes. Visit frequently, go to activities with her initially, But one thing, also give her some time on her own to meet other residents. We felt we had to be at our mom's side every minute and then one day I walked in and she was having a lively conversation with another resident. Get to know the staff-the social worker and activity people. Tell them your mom's hobbies and favorite things to do.Mail her a card once or twice a week
have her favorite magazines mailed there.
guilt is normal but after a while you will see how the staff responds to her and realize that she is in a safe place with continuous monitoring and the staff will respond if there is a problem. We truly believe that our mom would not still be alive if the nurses at her facility had not caught some of the signs of a potential problem(s) and alerted the MD.
good luck to you and your mom.

My mom has been in ALF almost 2 years. I moved her once because she was so unhappy and complained all the time. She still complains. Says it must be nice to stick your mother in a corner and walk away. My mother says I'm a vultures going thru her stuff looking for items of value. Some folks will never be happy.

This past February I made the decision to put my mother in s care home. There are only 4 residents There. Luckily a family member works there and that helps. My mother was hysterical for a long time and kept telling me all her friends..her grandchildren and anyone that would listen that what I was doing to her was terrible and I was so cruel to do this. I felt awful.. Even when I explained how my health problems were getting worse and my husband wad not only afraid he would lose me but saw our retirement years forced to stay at home because mom needs 24 hour care. My doctor said me health couldn't take much more..that I was heading for a stroke myself. Even with family claiming that I was not strong enough to care for mom I still felt guilty. I have always cared for her.. Put her needs above my own..when she had het own place prior to a hip fracture I worked fill time and devoted entire weekends to het...meals..cleaning...every single thing she deemed important. I would cook on some weekends making several of het favorite foods to find them often dumped in garbage and her saying she would rather have the Japanese or Chinese food. This was ok by me some of the time But when the expense would jump to at least 50.00 per trip.. I had to stop. Now that She is in a care home.. I get to sleep.. My health is improving and I get to do things with my husband. We both are wand still well enough to travel a little and have a little fun. To tell you the truth..allowing myself to let go and have fun has been a learning experience.. Many previous comments correctly sad that the guilt doesn't help and had no place. I go see her at least two Times a week. Take her to all her medical appointments.. I am closely in communication with the staff that care for her. I love this woman very much but saw that she wad never really willing to see that what she was demanding from me was unfair. Basically...caring for her was harder because she was so convinced that I was the only one to take fate of her right. She is handling things a lot better.. But there ate still rough days But I handle it better. When she fell again recently and broke her wrist because she would not call for help.. She got to see that even doing that didn't make things better .. I could go on and on..but the real message here I want to say that if you have done your best if your patent is safe and you feel the staff treat her or him kind and caring, then you must step back. The feelings of abandonment are normal for them. Once mom made connections with the staff and wad reassured I was still there for her but in a different way..she got better. Now that it seems like dementia is going on with her...imagining things etc.. Talking very strangely... Having vacant like stares...wanting to sleep all the time... I am able to be more gentle with het and reassure her that I'm there for her.. She has a lot if good days and for that I am grateful. I am having better days too and that is ok for me more and more. Hang in there. Take care if yourself so you can do those special little things mom seems to need but create a healthy boundary so that you can actually spend enjoyable time together as there will be a day. It won't be possible.