I'm putting my Mom in a home and she is fighting me tooth and nail, any advice on how to ease her pain of abandonment?

No need for guilt. Open the window and throw it to the wind. When it comes back, and it will, throw it to the wind again. YOU make the choice to accept the guilt, YOU make the choice to throw it to the wind again and again. Sometimes we have to put self first. And your marriage needs to be nourished. Tell your mother 'I love you' and 'You're beautiful' as often as you can, whether on the phone or when you visit. Cover her with love. Then trust her to the professionals in whose hands you left mother. Visit when you can but Live.YOUR.Life.

SheMay1: I can relate to your dilemma. As hard as it is, you're going to have to let the guilt go, else it could be the death of you.Should our parents live long enough, we all go through this.

feeling guilty about things you have no control of often just makes it worse. Previous comment to live your life.. So true.. Try to stay strong with your Love and set aside the guilt. It has no purpose. But can kill you with the stress it brings on. Deep down..our parents don't want their daughters or sons to be hurt. Sometimes you have to really be strong on boundaries being set. Although it upsets her a little u do nit give my mother an exact day and time I will be back unless it is for a Dr appointment. I did this because she still wanted me to do the baths. Clean het up. Cook for her..everything. I had to sternly But kindly remind her that I am Not a nurse. The money she is paying out is paying for that service. Although it does seem a little unfair..in my circumstances my mother will have a daily list if things for me to do if I don't pull back a bit. I day stay string in your love for your mother but live yourself too. It's really ok.

Mom won't feel as abandoned as you feel. Your life was given added meaning as you struggled with MS to care for her. The loss unfortunately is yours. Who will provide the stimulation you need to live a productive life without Mom to focus your attention and love? Try a caregiver group. Join a social group, invite card players to come to your house if you play cards. Fight for an MS cure. Learn to be proactive about yourself and your life. You matter, too. Best of Luck

She is only "abandoned" in her mind. You are if anything are accelerating her level of care. She will have around the clock supervision, healthy hot meals, someone to bath and launder for her. She will have entertainment and activities.

We all share similar experiences when we have to send them on to other care. They will be mad, pout, silent, and even say some horrible things to us. But in time, the dust settles, things calm down and then they accept a new plan. It took 7 months for my father to decide that the NH was a good place to be. Be patient and be good to yourself. Positive thoughts to you.

She is blessed to have you! Your an amazing person to be doing all you are when you are dealing with your own issues as well. My mom has parkinsons dementia and can be very difficult at times. Its hard for the whole family to see her this way. We got her enrolled in some classes with other patients and we had to fight her to go in the beginning she just did not want to go but now she enjoys it. She cant hold on a conversation or do much of anything but they do crafts and eat together and she is doing something with others not just family. With all the medication changes and doctors I can not say enough about these classes they do more for her than any pill or doc. So try to sign her up for some classes and she will enjoy herself
and you will still come to visit. You have to have the courage to tell her that you know its the best for everyone. Let her know that her doctor thinks this as well.
Concentrate more on you and your husband now, 3 years is a long time and you
will see its the best for all of you.

My Mom is number one on the wait list to go to memory care in the semi-independent unit… she is fighting this move as much as she can and every time she accepts that it is going to happen within the next 2-3 months, she gets mad at me…and paranoid… and pouty… .all the bad behavior that got my teenage daughters sent to their rooms for… sometimes I just have to get her to focus on me and tell "this is me walking away from this argument" and then I walk away… otherwise, her dementia is more pronounced, her short-term memory is more impaired, her tolerance of change is less, her patience with my four young teenage grandchild is greatly diminished, they're "always in her way", their legs "too long", they "talk too loud and use words she doesn't like"… so I limit the time my grandkids are here… (Mom lives with me and my two little dogs)… when the kids aren't here for a few weeks, it's complaints about them not coming to see her… that's her fault… she gets testy with the grandkids for nonsense reasons and the grandkids don't want to come visit… why would they…they used to adore her but when she's always so testy with them, they've been pulling away from her, she stays testy with me unless she wants something and her list of wants… read "needs"… are endless… I do the best I can to accommodate her requests but I've gotten physically, emotionally, and intellectually tired after 3 years of constant caregiving… I see my doctor when I can and she's not happy with some of my health issues… the least of which is my blood pressure which keeps spiking… I've had a stroke already… not inclined to have another for my mother… I see my therapist when I can… I thank the gods for that man as he has helped me develop some strong boundaries… I've learned that her bad behavior says something about her and nothing about me… my childhood was quite dysfunctional and my Mother's "retirement plan" was "I don't need to save for my retirement because I have 6 kids to care for me"… I'm the one she lives with because none of my siblings will have her… two (one son and one daughter) cut off ALL contact with her… one son calls me once a year to check on her but refuses to talk to her directly… another son calls one - two times per month for no more than 5 minutes at a time… her favorite child, a daughter, is "too frail" to have her live with her… that leaves me and Mom and I have never been especially close… why have I decided Mom is going to have to move to memory care?… multiple reasons: she is right now in a narrow window of time when she can still make new friends, find her way to and from her room and activities, and she can adapt to a different style of living… where we currently live, she has to climb a short flight of three stairs and then another flight of seven stairs; she's starting to struggle with the stairs…she has no concept of safety any more… I've had to remove the stove/oven knobs and tell her she cannot use the microwave… she started a fire on the stove and put an empty cup in the microwave and set it for 45 minutes cook time (thankfully I caught both problems straightaway)… she is getting so that she can't properly complete her "little chores"… hanging up her clean clothes, etc… I do all the housework… she's lost her understanding of the use of the remotes for the TVs… I know a lot of this just sounds like whining/complaining on my part but I'm trying to get across that her dementia is getting worse and her window of time when she can still adapt is closing and as infuriating as she can be I'd hate for me to wait til she is past that window and each day is waking up in a strange place… I think the point I'm really trying to make is that for some of us moving a loved one to a facility becomes a necessity… I'll be honest, if I drop dead tomorrow Mom's care will fall to a much beloved daughter of mine (I have two) and I refuse to put my daughter in the position of having to put her health and well-being at risk for my Mother… for those who think I "owe" my Mother anything… you are confused! I "owe" her consideration of her needs and well-being and that she gets but I don't owe her my health and well-being… Mom going to the memory care unit is not causing me any guilt because I've given her more than she's earned… her other kids have pretty much washed their hands of her… and to the person complaining about nursing homes and states taking assets of Medicaid patients… my Mother is one of those Medicaid patients who only has a Social Security check as an asset… she has never saved a penny in her life… she also has an entitlement complex… feels she is fully within her rights to have her cake and eat it too… the taxpayers of the state on Minnesota is paying for for Elderly Waiver and will pay for her memory care room… thus the TAXPAYERS of the state of Minnesota are well within their rights to say to my Mother and everyone else like her that to try to recupe some of the thousands of dollars the state has graciously spent on them that they have to turn over assets upon death… my Mother has aproblem with this because it means her favorite child will inherit nothing.… Mom and I disagree on this topic… if it wasn't for the state programs she'd have to figure out the next step of her life on, a little over a thousand dollars a month… my position is if you want the benefits than pay for them however it is the state says… better get off my soapbox… sorry such a long post… Cyndi

I too had to place my mother in a nursing home. I had babies and worked full time. Make sure you reach out to the social worker at the home and discuss your feelings. They will reassure you that she will be well cared for and may help you to ease your guilt. As someone else said, it's hard to take care of someone when you are 100%, but given your condition, you really have no choice.

My aunts were placed in "top of the line" nursing homes. Both were miserable, were medicated until they were completely crazy and lost their teeth, hearing aids, clothing and dignity. All the assurance in the world cannot help you take hold of the clean end of a turd.

You don't say what she has not her age putting her in a nursing home may not be all you can do if she is able to do something and the levels of care may be not unlike living in a hotel if she is not so unable as you she's scared of losing you help her find the right place for her and make it your place too the way it seems you may need it too for you and your husband not all people are disables who live in care homes

Can you make her new room look exactly like her old room? Thats what i did. I took photos the put everything exact. She was upset for a week then settled. Now she loves where she is. Kitty Kat and all!