Effects of Caregiving on sleep and aging bodies

I’m confused. Your profile blurb says your mom died in August. Your post is dated July 2026.

Who are you talking about here?

Lorem ipsum.

For those long-distance early morning appointments, maybe you can travel there the day before & stay in a nearby hotel or Ronald McDonald House.

Yes, hotels cost money. True, not every city has a Ronald McDonald or similar free facility for patients’ families. Yes, these ideas consume more time. Indeed, she might crab about such an arrangement. These things are a pain, but they are reality.

The cost of lodging & travel might be tax deductible (or tax advantaged in some other way) because it’s related to medical care.

If those early, distant appointments are in offices attached to a hospital, get with a hospital staffer who knows what options might exist for free or reduced cost lodging. They might have other ideas to make your life easier too. If they say, “I don’t know” ask them who would know and where to find them. Ask around. Don’t be shy. Be polite but tenacious about your legitimate needs.

Try to get remote appointments. Mom's PCP did remote appointments with us through the cell phone. It was a lifesaver for the last 3 years of her life.

Also, discontinue unnecessary appointments.

I'd say you're describing something that many caregivers experience but don't always talk about. Caregiving doesn't just affect your emotions—it affects your body, your sleep, and your overall health. Those early morning appointments, long drives, hours spent in waiting rooms, and the constant pressure to stay on schedule can be incredibly exhausting, especially when you're already caring for someone with complex needs. Your back going out after weeks of stress and long hospital days is a reminder that our bodies eventually respond to the strain we're under. I completely understand why you dread those early appointments. When specialists are far away, caregivers often have very little control over appointment times, and that loss of flexibility can make an already difficult job feel even harder. I hope tomorrow's trip goes smoothly and that you're able to get some rest afterward. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's an important part of being able to continue caring for someone else. You're definitely not alone in feeling this way.

I have never been a morning person and I struggle with it too. I'm more of a night owl that's always been my jam. I get some of my best thinking done in the late, quiet hours. So early morning hours feel like kryptonite to me.
DH has FTD, so I have to get up early to get things going and to care for our little dog who depends on me.
The early morning appts are the hardest as my DH has no desire to 'pick up the speed'; he (almost) drags his feet if he doesn't feel like going wherever we need to get. So ya, its increases the stress and anxiety, especially when you don't function well in the earlier morning hours.

I wonder who is going to take care of you…

We just do afternoon appointments. My husband wakes me up repeatedly during the night, so we "sleep" late. It takes hours to convince him to get in the shower, then dressed with matching socks and shoes. If I take a shower, he will undress. In the middle I have to feed him breakfast, give him his morning medicines, get him to brush teeth. The only morning appointments are for fasting blood draws, after a quick sponge bath of his upper body. I know we are not the only ones because the doctors usually offer morning appts in a few days and afternoon ones weeks later.

My mom always worked 2nd or 3rd shift and still is on that schedule. Early appointments are painful. Only the most important of appointments will be scheduled for the morning. When she was getting post hospital home pt etc. I just had to be firm on the timing "no that doesn't work for us". Sometimes it can't be avoided for specialty things but I will never accept an early appointment for anything that is not specialized or urgent.

Off topic from your question....I'd really reconsider my role in helping this person. It takes a village as they say but I think you need time to find yourself after all you've been through. Try not to repeat.... not criticizing I'm really concerned for you. Roles have a way of expanding, not shrinking...remember the book "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"?

Stop doing early morning appointments. Aging causes changing sleep cycles; waking up too early and not getting back to sleep. Your body may shut down from exhaustion, so that’s dangerous to drive. Do later appts to take better care of yourself.

Wait until there is a more convenient appointment time late morning or afternoon for you. Or, consider picking her up and spending the night before in a nice hotel near the medical center and having a nice dinner and glass of wine at the hotel the night before. Since the appointment is early, you will be able to get back home before rush hour. Highly recommend the Houston Intercontinental Medical Center.

There is a method to this madness. My late husband was in and out of the hospital the last three years of his life. I remember one time I was doing the grocery shopping for Thanksgiving Dinner. He had passed out in the Subway Sandwich Shop and had hit his head. I left the groceries in the cart in the middle of the grocery store after I got a call from him at the hospital, went to pick him up brought him back to his car. Luckily, he was at the nearby Subway's not far from where I was getting the groceries. He had hit his head earlier that afternoon before I got to the store and went to the hospital via ambulance.
After he drove home, I went back to the grocery store. My cart was still there with everything I had placed in the cart. I finished the shopping and drove home. I put the groceries away and ordered take out that night.

He had a procedure done one time and ended up in the hospital. He was going to be there for awhile. I went home prepared a meal for myself and took a nap. The hospital called me when it was time to pick him up.

If someone is having an extended procedure, you can leave and grab lunch in the hospital cafeteria if it is too far to drive back home.

You can also hire a home care aide to accompany the patient and wait while you take care of your own appointments.

Odegar, you don't mention what all you are doing to care for your elder, other than driving to medical appointments, and what her condition is. Is she living on her own at home? Should she be living independently on her own?
Taking someone for a major surgery, like heart surgery is going to be one long day for anyone who accompanies their loved one to the hospital. But, you can recover from that one stressful day. Are all the other appointments critically necessary?
Doctors will tell a patient to return frequently for follow ups or routine testing, but it is time to weigh the benefits of those medical appointments - perhaps you don't need to do them all.

If she is having to go to the hospital frequently, then maybe it's time for her to be in an assisted living or skilled nursing facility adjacent to the hospital.

I have always been a morning person, so morning appointments don't bother me. Usually the doctor's office asks whether morning or afternoon is better for me.
Just tell the person who is scheduling that you won't be available at that time in the morning, and ask for something later.

I can't stand the early morning appts either! Doctors make everything so hard, and the elderly Patient is such a baby about everything. They never pay for gas either. Those hard as concrete hospital chairs are terrible too. I can hardly stand up after sitting for a few hours!

I'm totally sick of it all. I've had my share of getting someone to a surgery at 5:00am, who never cooperates the whole time.

Excuse me, we are the Unpaid Care Slaves, so who is the true "selfish" one?

My advice to help with burnout, is to pay for as much help as you can, but your mother needs you to help her.

Best of luck to you and your mom. 🙏❤️🍀

early morning appointments for people can sometimes be difficult for people as they age because of their changes in their sleep cycles and they may have medication management. Or they just done want to task themselves that early. It can also take more time for them to process the things and tasks they may be trying to accomplish.

I am not an early riser myself and I feel your pain. The only bright side that often the early appointments are the most coveted because the time in the waiting room is less. With earlier appointments, the doctors haven't fallen behind as much.

My mom moved further away and taking her to medical appts has become more burdensome. I recently started impressing on the doctors and staff that she was not nearby and coming back was an undertaking. I have been surprised at how sometimes they alter their suggestion or propose something different. I don't know if your elder's providers could do anything differently, but they should all be aware it is difficult for her to get to appointments.

See if you find a hospital or doctor who will come to elder's home for home health care appointments. If elder has any other family members ask them to come along to help you. Tell the doctor's office ' NO, we cannot make an early morning appointment. If they cannot accommodate you, change doctor.

Oedgar,

I feel your pain. You are tired. And your body remembers from the previous caregiving that this is not a picnic.

I realized years later, I should have hired a driver for my second caregiving gig. Find one who is reasonable, pleasant and experienced with driving in your destination city.

At only an hour away there should be many who make that trip often in your area. Someone from the neighborhood, a niece or recent retiree who could use a few bucks. There may even be a service in your area. you might find someone in Care.com for these special trips. It’s good to have a back up even for local appointments.

You are needed as an advocate but not as a driver in heavy traffic followed by long appointments. Your SM will get better care if you pace yourself over the years so you can continue to advocate for her. That’s your role, not the heavy lifting. Good for her that she has a housekeeper and an aide.
Now she needs a driver. Small price to pay for excellent heart care.

What I did for later appointments was explain to the appointment desk that I needed the next appointment at my preferred time. In my case I needed it then because I was scheduling multi appointments on the same day and I had a 3 hour drive one way. I started with the most important appointment and then fit the others around it. If they say for you to come back in two weeks you say “Why?” If it can be done over the phone arrange that.

Just ask for the next appointment at 1 p.m or whatever time you are looking for. Some doctors only have clinic for a few 1/2 days because they are in surgery or teach etc. But ask for what you want before just accepting what they give you. Sometimes the stars do align.

And when you are in a waiting room, walk or stand a bit. Maybe do breathing exercises. Just make sure you aren’t tense. Release the tension.

If your SM has traditional medicare, she may be eligible for home health care. IF she has Advantage you will need to check.
This is so much help for the caregiver. When she needs blood work or X-rays, UTI test, wound care, etc these can often be done in her own home. They monitor the meds, order her pt when needed and a bathing aide when needed. You tell her doctor she needs help as a home bound elder. Home bound doesn’t mean she can’t go out. It means it is difficult to take her out. Don’t present yourself as a hands on caregiver, more a care manager.

I had a home health I preferred to use and I gave them the doctor’s numbers to call to get the orders faxed over etc. If you call a home health company they can probably tell you over the phone if they think SM would qualify at this point. She may have had home health with her previous issues after getting out of the hospital. If you liked that one give them a call to discuss possibilities. This is for intermittent skilled nursing covered by Part B. Usually the care from home health after a hodpitsl stay is covered by Part A.

Please don’t let SM tell them you are going to take care of her. You need the help even if she thinks she doesn’t.

My DH had an ablation in 2019. Had to have a second one which is not uncommon. Since then he has had zero problems with his heart. He gets his blood work and the doctor’s office lets him know over the portal if he needs any follow-up which are usually over the phone. So some heart issues are managed easier than other chronic issues like diabetes. I hope hers is one and done. My mom had CHF, not so easy for her to manage.

SM is getting the best of care it sounds to me. Just make sure you do too.

I realized many years ago that an essential underpinning of the U.S. health-care system is the expectation that untrained, typically unpaid individuals (primarily family members, but also sometimes friends) will be providing much of the care and associated services, such as transportation, that formerly were provided by trained, paid professionals. IMO, this stinks. Everyone who is thrust into this system should be thinking about how to protect themselves, their health, and their finances. Just because you can help this person doesn't mean you should help this person.

What is the primary POA doing while you're running yourself into the ground? I think you would benefit from some hard thoughts about why you're chasing this chaos again.

Honestly, with a heart patient, I don't know if things will ever settle down. Generally when things start to go wrong, they continue to go wrong. An assisted living facility that does transportation to appointments might be your best bet.

See if you can get in-home visits instead.

Be picky about why she is going to the doc in the first place.

Her hygiene routines may have to be sacrificed or trunkated.

Have her hire aids, consider a facility.

Is hospice an option?

Consider court-assigned guardianship and be done with the hands-on part.

It's not that there aren't solutions. It's that you seem to be having a hard time accepting the solution options that are available. So don't think you need to continue to be a martyr. Are you going to allow yourself to become a trainwreck so that your kids will be burdened (emotionally and/or literally) with your care?

What good will it do if you burnout mentally, emotionally and physically? Everyone loses.

You put your post under the Burnout category for a good reason. You're burned out on caregiving after all these years which begs the question of why you're putting yourself and your body through the gruesome task again?? It's the very last thing on earth I would have done after dealing with my parents for over 10 years! My body and mind can't handle it, nevermind early morning appointments!