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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Dear Lynn, you have much worth to us! Thank you for sharing your story. You have a heart for your Mom, and she is having a hard time adjusting to her losses. She didn't get her way, and is punishing you for it. That is not an indictment against you, but her. I, too, lived 200 miles away, but my story went an entirely different way. My loved ones were not as inflexible. I agree with you that being a daughter is not easy. I'll bet you're not only a wonderful daughter, but a great sister, as well. So sorry for your situation, but it's common, and also difficult. We each have choices and consequences. I pray your relationship heals with your mother, and is strong with your brothers. This is hard for all, so please be gentle with yourself, and each other. Prayer helps. Take care you, too! :) and keep us posted.
You are worth more to your mom than you know or she wouldn't be so annoyed with you. So stop beating yourself up. You have family responsibilities and she knows that. You have done what you can and sometimes we can't please everyone all the time. The choice you made is the one you had to make. She will be fine in due time. She is just in her own world .
My mother lives with me and she is a NPD person. For the time being to relieve my stress, I stopped asking her to be a part of the family months ago. She is happy staying in her room like a teen ager, watching tv, eating candy, reading the enquirer and globe, playing solitare, coloring and whatever else she does in there and that is just fine with me, I know at some point it will get worse but for now this works for both of us. She just wants a place to stay she doesn't want to be bothered with anyone else asking her to work, she is lazy lazy lazy and always has been. I do not blame my siblings, as in the post above they are protecting themselves, as children we went thru alot. Stuff kids shouldn't have to deal with and stuff that should be basics for kids we didn't have but we survived and made better lives for ourselves. Also, you will find with people who have NPD, they remember things the way they want to not the way it truly was and you can't fight that. The best thing to do is forgive it and never bring it up again. Mine likes to live in the past her past its like she never was a mother, its just about her and it's always been that way a long time ago I suggested she talk to someone and her doctor agreed and she flew out of his office like she had wings funny how her back didn't hurt that day until we were alone and she could move Oh boy could she move anyway I deal in reality it is what it is and I can not do anything for someone if they don't want to help themselves. So I go about my job, my church life, my son and my husband not necessarily in that order and life is better that way. At first I felt guilty but guilt is a useless emotion. That is the way she wants it and I am not going to do anything except make sure she has shelter, warmth, air conditioning, food, transportation to her doctors visits and shopping once or twice a month. When the situation changes than I will deal with it in the best way I can and not feel guilty. After all she has to live with decisions she has made in her life whether she remembers them or not. Good luck to you and again know you did what you could and you can't be everything to everyone. First and foremost your kids need you the most. God Bless
It is sometimes very hard to be the daughter. I am the only daughter and the oldest of 3 children. I also live @200 miles away from my widowed mother. My 2 brothers live very near my Mom. In May Mom (80) lost control of her walker and fell. It is true the 'fall' starts everything. Up until this time she was living alone in her home, by brothers taking care of all mainteneance and helping with daily tasks. She spent @ a week in the hospital- no broken bones- just agitation of arthritus. We placed her is a rehab facility for @ 5 weeks, where she received daily therapy. All she wanted to do is to go home, she hated it at the facility. We were talking about the next plan whoich could have been, going to her home with 24/7 livein help, assisted living, coming to stay with me 200 miles away, staying at the rehab/nursing. What she so boldly suggested was for me to come and live with her, at her home! She said that If I did this, she could stay in her home. It didn't matter to her at all, that I work and have a family 200 mmiles away. When I told her I couldn't do what she wanted- she told me we were done and hung up on me. She didn'ty expect my brothers to move in, she told me because I was a women and she was my mother- this is what I should do.
We have managed to get passed the issue- she is in the assisted living now. I do know though that she is still very annoyed with me; I don't have much worth in her eyes. It doesn't matter that I have been 100% mentally involved fovever, because I don't live nearby- I'm not worth much to her.
You are right on SecretSister. Florence, you are a wonderful, caring person who has put up with too much. You need to walk away from abuse and let your mother know you are leaving if she treats you this way.
Also, calling social services isn't "turning her in." They will find help for her. Since you are the one she abuses, they will be able to handle her. If you decide to do this and she abuses you for it, what's new?
If you can handle her the way you are, and keep your sanity, that's okay. You are the one to decide. But please take care of yourself. Be sure to check back. Most people here understand.
If you Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it talks about egg shells, performance for others, and turning against family, especially those closest, or loved ones. A strange, confusing, disorder. Know what the site says about NPD? It says to cater to their every whim, or walk away. You have chosen to walk away. And you're not "bad" for doing so.
Another characteristic of those with NPD is to make their targeted person feel like they did something wrong, or are lacking in some way, and to feel really bad about themselves. Kind of like mirroring what the NPD secretly feels, but hides behind false superiority. Childishness, or dependency and irresponsibility and laziness are common, too. And you are right on target with the attention seeking observation. It's classic NPD.
Other characteristics include not caring for any but themselves, lacking empathy, and not even caring for their own bodies. I'm just a daughter, and dealing with a very sick-minded, emotionally abusive mother, so I don't pretend to be able to diagnose yours. But you're describing what I know well. You may want to research this for yourself.
The sibling issues are an entirely different story altogether. They, too, have been affected by your mom, and have chosen to walk, as well. (Not necessary abandon you, so much as preserve themselves.)
NPD is a mental illness, to be sure, and often goes along with physical ones, even causing them, at times, if I'm correctly interpreting the research.
You are a good daughter, and a dear, brave soul! It is a difficult road, and will probably get much worse (for your mom). But there is hope for you. Though you may feel alone, you're not entirely. There are many people, here on this site, and others, who understand, empathize, and can be supportive to you. And as you become stronger in dealing with your mom's condition, some issues with your siblings may resolve themselves, as well.
If your Mom is not a danger to herself, then you're not neglecting her by walking away. That is a healthy response. I always feel better with distance. But if she needs help, rather than "turn her in," find someone who can help her. A social worker can provide you with resources and direction that will help both of you. It's important that you also take care of you, both emotionally and physically.
Believe me, your observations are real, correct, and you can trust your instincts. I needed a diagnosis from a Speciality Clinic to authenticate what I suspected for years. NPD demands others stay in denial, like them, and hide from reality. The truth will set you free. Embrace it. Your mom's more than just physically sick, and she knows which of your buttons to push. You can change that. Definitely take care of you. From your strength, you'll be better able to deal with her. Prayer helps, and I'll be praying for you.
Thank yo so much for all your replies to my plite. I already wrote a long comment but it didn't go through so I will write again. My mum has not got dimentia or Alzeimers. My mum switches her behaviour on and off when she wants to. she never does this in fron to other people which makes me beleive that she knows exactly what she is doing. She has told my Aunt she didn't mean to do it. Everytime me and my mum have days like this I feel like I am looked upon by certain family members that I just making it up and nobody believes me as she never shows them that side of her. My Aunt says she has her own probs and is sick of hearing about it. My 3 siblings do absolutely nothing. they are not round there often or long enough to help or be concerned. My mum suffers with 3 forms of arthritis and her right hip and knee are bad and she finds it difficult to walk. S€he has diabetes and is on tablets yet she is forever eating cakes and biscuits. She wears 2 digital hearing aids, has spondiitis too. She goes on about people thinking that she is mad or lost her marbles and I respond to this by saying she is the only one saying that nobody else!!! I seriously hate listening to this childish behaviour as this is how I see it. She acts really childish and I say tell her she is just attention seeking. I can't help it that's how I feel. It has been going on a very long time now. It got worse when she lost her husband of 3 years who she'd been with for 6 yrs in total. I couldn't have been there for her any more than I was yt she turned on me and has been doing ever since. She doesn't do it to anyone else - she is nice and polite to them which makes me feel like she hates me. I have not seen my mum for a week now since she physically threw something at me. I don't want to be in the positon where I have to call police or social services. If I mentioned anything like that to her she would flip her lid and tell me that I am trying to say she is mad! I am walkin gon egg shells and I've told her she has got to change or I am leaving for good. I know you may think that sounds heartless but I have been helping my mum as much as possible for 7 years now with NO help and I know I can be very impatient and I have tried to change that in myself but I feel like I am the one who is bending myself and she is not even trying and she is just getting worse! None of my siblings help and everytime I have asked one of my brothers for help - he falls out with me and stops talking to me - his way of getting out of responsibilty (ignorance is bliss eh???). I dont speak to nay one of my sibling s now and feel so alone. I do appreciate this help and am very grateful to an American guy who gave me this site come here for help. thank you my carer friends.
I find it so amazing that so many of us are dealing with parents particularly mothers who have dementia and are on the edge. I think mindingourelders you mom may have gone from dementia to alzheimers and perhaps you need to have her re-evaluated. Every hospital should have a social service administrator that person should be able to point you in the right direction for questions you may have. You may have to place your mom in a facility if medication doesn't help.
msbuschs, you really need to take care of you right now in spite of what your family thinks. If you don't take care of you; you won't we well enough to do anything for anyone so either way they will have to handle things without you for a short while. If they cannot understand this that is their problem not yours. You have enough to deal with. If they cannot do it they as well might have to have your mother placed in a facility where they know exactly what to do for Alzheimers patients. Thats what these facilities are for and you should not feel guilty about it either. None of us know what we will endure in our old age and we can only do so much for another person regardless if it is a parent or spouse. Alzheimer patients are very hard to handle after a certain point. I took care of my MIL and after a long period she had to be placed to. It is sad but it is necessary. For their well being as well as the rest of the family. God bless you all for the wonderful jobs you are doing God will never give you more than you can handle without giving you a way out once the pressure is too high. It is written. Love to all neon
In addition, while at the hospital, Social Services can help you from there, and give you resources and direction. Once people become a threat to themselves or others, it's time to act quickly. Take care!
A quick, easy approach may be to call 911, or take her to an emergency room. If she is out of control, she needs help, and so do you. They are used to dealing with situations like this. You're mother is crying out for help, and her emotions of anger is a clear signal that it's time. Be gentle, but firm. Take control, and stay as calm as possible. She needs you to guide her through this struggle with grace, compassion and love. We're rooting for you, and I'm praying for you. Take care, and let us know how things are going.
Has your mother been to a doctor? She needs to have her medications checked and she needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist who will test for dementia. If she already has a diagnosis of mental illness or dementia, she may need different medications, an adjusted dose. You can't live like this. Something needs to be changed. Can you get some family help to get her to a doctor? If not, you may need to get help from Social Services. Carol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You are worth more to your mom than you know or she wouldn't be so annoyed with you. So stop beating yourself up. You have family responsibilities and she knows that. You have done what you can and sometimes we can't please everyone all the time. The choice you made is the one you had to make. She will be fine in due time. She is just in her own world .
My mother lives with me and she is a NPD person. For the time being to relieve my stress, I stopped asking her to be a part of the family months ago. She is happy staying in her room like a teen ager, watching tv, eating candy, reading the enquirer and globe, playing solitare, coloring and whatever else she does in there and that is just fine with me, I know at some point it will get worse but for now this works for both of us. She just wants a place to stay she doesn't want to be bothered with anyone else asking her to work, she is lazy lazy lazy and always has been. I do not blame my siblings, as in the post above they are protecting themselves, as children we went thru alot. Stuff kids shouldn't have to deal with and stuff that should be basics for kids we didn't have but we survived and made better lives for ourselves. Also, you will find with people who have NPD, they remember things the way they want to not the way it truly was and you can't fight that. The best thing to do is forgive it and never bring it up again. Mine likes to live in the past her past its like she never was a mother, its just about her and it's always been that way a long time ago I suggested she talk to someone and her doctor agreed and she flew out of his office like she had wings funny how her back didn't hurt that day until we were alone and she could move Oh boy could she move anyway I deal in reality it is what it is and I can not do anything for someone if they don't want to help themselves. So I go about my job, my church life, my son and my husband not necessarily in that order and life is better that way. At first I felt guilty but guilt is a useless emotion. That is the way she wants it and I am not going to do anything except make sure she has shelter, warmth, air conditioning, food, transportation to her doctors visits and shopping once or twice a month. When the situation changes than I will deal with it in the best way I can and not feel guilty. After all she has to live with decisions she has made in her life whether she remembers them or not. Good luck to you and again know you did what you could and you can't be everything to everyone. First and foremost your kids need you the most. God Bless
We have managed to get passed the issue- she is in the assisted living now. I do know though that she is still very annoyed with me; I don't have much worth in her eyes. It doesn't matter that I have been 100% mentally involved fovever, because I don't live nearby- I'm not worth much to her.
Also, calling social services isn't "turning her in." They will find help for her. Since you are the one she abuses, they will be able to handle her. If you decide to do this and she abuses you for it, what's new?
If you can handle her the way you are, and keep your sanity, that's okay. You are the one to decide. But please take care of yourself. Be sure to check back. Most people here understand.
Carol
Another characteristic of those with NPD is to make their targeted person feel like they did something wrong, or are lacking in some way, and to feel really bad about themselves. Kind of like mirroring what the NPD secretly feels, but hides behind false superiority. Childishness, or dependency and irresponsibility and laziness are common, too. And you are right on target with the attention seeking observation. It's classic NPD.
Other characteristics include not caring for any but themselves, lacking empathy, and not even caring for their own bodies. I'm just a daughter, and dealing with a very sick-minded, emotionally abusive mother, so I don't pretend to be able to diagnose yours. But you're describing what I know well. You may want to research this for yourself.
The sibling issues are an entirely different story altogether. They, too, have been affected by your mom, and have chosen to walk, as well. (Not necessary abandon you, so much as preserve themselves.)
NPD is a mental illness, to be sure, and often goes along with physical ones, even causing them, at times, if I'm correctly interpreting the research.
You are a good daughter, and a dear, brave soul! It is a difficult road, and will probably get much worse (for your mom). But there is hope for you. Though you may feel alone, you're not entirely. There are many people, here on this site, and others, who understand, empathize, and can be supportive to you. And as you become stronger in dealing with your mom's condition, some issues with your siblings may resolve themselves, as well.
If your Mom is not a danger to herself, then you're not neglecting her by walking away. That is a healthy response. I always feel better with distance. But if she needs help, rather than "turn her in," find someone who can help her. A social worker can provide you with resources and direction that will help both of you. It's important that you also take care of you, both emotionally and physically.
Believe me, your observations are real, correct, and you can trust your instincts. I needed a diagnosis from a Speciality Clinic to authenticate what I suspected for years. NPD demands others stay in denial, like them, and hide from reality. The truth will set you free. Embrace it. Your mom's more than just physically sick, and she knows which of your buttons to push. You can change that. Definitely take care of you. From your strength, you'll be better able to deal with her. Prayer helps, and I'll be praying for you.
My mum suffers with 3 forms of arthritis and her right hip and knee are bad and she finds it difficult to walk. S€he has diabetes and is on tablets yet she is forever eating cakes and biscuits. She wears 2 digital hearing aids, has spondiitis too. She goes on about people thinking that she is mad or lost her marbles and I respond to this by saying she is the only one saying that nobody else!!! I seriously hate listening to this childish behaviour as this is how I see it. She acts really childish and I say tell her she is just attention seeking. I can't help it that's how I feel. It has been going on a very long time now. It got worse when she lost her husband of 3 years who she'd been with for 6 yrs in total. I couldn't have been there for her any more than I was yt she turned on me and has been doing ever since. She doesn't do it to anyone else - she is nice and polite to them which makes me feel like she hates me. I have not seen my mum for a week now since she physically threw something at me. I don't want to be in the positon where I have to call police or social services. If I mentioned anything like that to her she would flip her lid and tell me that I am trying to say she is mad! I am walkin gon egg shells and I've told her she has got to change or I am leaving for good. I know you may think that sounds heartless but I have been helping my mum as much as possible for 7 years now with NO help and I know I can be very impatient and I have tried to change that in myself but I feel like I am the one who is bending myself and she is not even trying and she is just getting worse! None of my siblings help and everytime I have asked one of my brothers for help - he falls out with me and stops talking to me - his way of getting out of responsibilty (ignorance is bliss eh???). I dont speak to nay one of my sibling s now and feel so alone.
I do appreciate this help and am very grateful to an American guy who gave me this site come here for help. thank you my carer friends.
msbuschs, you really need to take care of you right now in spite of what your family thinks. If you don't take care of you; you won't we well enough to do anything for anyone so either way they will have to handle things without you for a short while. If they cannot understand this that is their problem not yours. You have enough to deal with. If they cannot do it they as well might have to have your mother placed in a facility where they know exactly what to do for Alzheimers patients. Thats what these facilities are for and you should not feel guilty about it either. None of us know what we will endure in our old age and we can only do so much for another person regardless if it is a parent or spouse. Alzheimer patients are very hard to handle after a certain point. I took care of my MIL and after a long period she had to be placed to. It is sad but it is necessary. For their well being as well as the rest of the family. God bless you all for the wonderful jobs you are doing God will never give you more than you can handle without giving you a way out once the pressure is too high. It is written. Love to all neon
Carol
Carol