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Hi all,


Venting, as usual.



I have an elderly father with all sorts of medical issues but mobility and fecal incontinence are the biggest ones. We have caregivers who come in to help. He's waited on hand and foot and is now so "spoiled" he can't do anything for himself. He won't make decisions, he won't direct caregivers and when he does he's rude as hell. He talks to people like they're garbage because, at heart, he's a bully.



It's also like we're attached by some invisible umbilical cord. He will not make a decision about anything without consulting me first. Including whether he should take a Tylenol for back pain or eat some prunes for constipation. I feel strangled, like his 24/7 employee and trapped. I have nearly lost the will to live. I am of retirement age. I feel I'll never have my own life again so what's the point of going on? It's all in service to this person who has no compunction about sucking my life dry. Zero.



If the caregiver comes, it's some huge deal for me to close my door and let here take over. There's always something he doesn't like about her. He needs a plan laid out for what's going to happen every second that I'm not available. And he needs me to make it for him! This is ridiculous! He's a spoiled old man. I can't take anymore. I'm at my wit's end and am hopeless.



Today, I have just had it and said when the caregiver gets her for her 5 hours, I'm closing my door and she can take care of everything AS SHE SHOULD. For $35/hour I shouldn't have to do a thing including answer a question every 15 minutes about how to wipe his ass.



I found out recently through a series of tests that I've had, at some time in the recent past, a heart attack (silent heart attack). I will NEVER put a family member in a situation like I'm in and expect care. I know that will never, ever happen because I love them too much. This has become an outrageous situation.



People live too damn long. Doctors only care about keeping a heartbeat going to keep scraping up the Medicare $$. I never believed that before but I'm totally convinced of it now. They're making $$ hand over fist dragging these old people to ends that should have come years earlier without caring one bit about the families they destroy in the process.



Example? Giving an Alzheimer's patient cholesterol or high bp meds with the disclaimer that it could be a lot worse if they have a terrible stroke so they should really take these meds. LET THEM GO. We spend billions every year trying to stave off the inevitable. People die. This is part of life.



End of venting. Sorry if this is upsetting to some but I think there are more than a few out here who know and feel exactly what I mean.

Oh I am right there with you! My father is a real piece of work too & our profit over people medical care system is cruel beyond measure.

24/7 employee even though there’s hired help - check. Treats everyone that helps him like garbage - check. Weaponized incompetence- check. It’s all my fault- check.

I’m also facing major health issues. I’ve decided to allow the disease to take me out - my life was confiscated by my parents long ago, no point in fighting to live when all I’m living for is servitude to ungrateful selfish man. He knows all this & genuinely doesn’t care.

I firmly believe that any parent that forces their child into a long term caregiver role is completely heartless & downright evil. It demonstrates a total lack of value or respect for the child. A child is not a spouse. They did not make a vow of commitment before God. The holding of children accountable for the care of their parents is insane & needs to stop. All too often it’s the most vulnerable & least able to fight back family member that gets targeted for the caregiver duties. It’s gross the way so many people, especially “medical professionals” that are not only complicit but even encourage this practice.

Just my two cents as someone who’s life also got ruined so that my dad could have a few more years terrorizing people.

My only real hope now is that someone hears my story & doesn’t allow it to happen to them.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Invisible0ne
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Vent away. We ALL need to do that.

If he was “spoiled” all his life, he won’t/can’t change now.
If he is depressed and/or anxious, that’s another complication.
If he’s experiencing cognitive deterioration, that’s a third possibility.

If it’s hard for you to “close the door”, and you are experiencing actual DEMONSTRABLE negative physical health consequences, you’re being neglectful OF YOURSELF, and YOU are 100% entitled to be responsible FOR YOU.

Close that door, take a nap, read a book, ANYTHING that can distract you.

Or EVEN BETTER, take a walk, buy yourself a “toy”, see a movie or concert, have a massage, call a friend, ANYTHING to change your perspective if only for a few moments.

The TUBA saved my life. I found soon after I began taking tuba lessons that if I were totally focused on practicing, I couldn’t focus on the painful details of caregiving. FIND YOUR DISTRACTION.

I gained 65 pounds while caring for my mother, and weighed 265 for several years (small boned, 5’4”). I now weigh 135, my “best” me. FOR YOURSELF, BE YOUR BEST YOU.

YOU ARE WORTH THE BEST SELF CARE YOU CAN ARRANGE AND PROVIDE….. FOR YOURSELF.
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Reply to AnnReid
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I totally agree with this AnnPanel. Just yesterday a new poster was asking about immunotherapy for their husband who has cancer and lewy body dementia. On what planet does any onocologist think it is a good idea to give a person with dementia treatment for cancer? It is about money and it is freaking insane.

I wish you could move out of your dads house or move him out of your house and move on with your own life.

Enjoy your 5 hour break today. Maybe you should leave and go to the movies and get a bite to eat?
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Reply to sp196902
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You feel strangled. Have nearly lost the will to live. Feel trapped. You've suffered a silent heart attack. You're at wits end and hopeless.

All this to live with a bully of a father who's "attached to you by some in invisible umbilical cord" except he's not. You're doing this willingly, for some reason, when you don't have to.

What happens when you die first from stress related heart issues, God forbid? THEN dad goes into managed care ANYWAY when that's where he should have been all along!

Please don't wait for a crisis to place the man and live your life as it SHOULD be lived: in peace and joy. Dad will be fine.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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While I know it's important to vent I have to say if you're feeling suicidal please call the suicide helpline at 988 ASAP. I never take the threat of that lightly.
Now to your situation. Why are you having to live with your father? Can you not just move out and leave him with his caregivers? Your mental and physical health deserves that much at least.
I mean is it really worth giving up your physical and mental health for a man who is "sucking your life dry?"
I honestly don't believe that things will get any better until you are no longer physically in his house and at his beck and call 24/7. It will be then that he will have to start making decisions for himself, and be responsible for his own care. And if he can't handle that then it's time for him to move into an assisted living facility where he will receive the care he needs and you can get on with living and enjoying your life.
I hope and pray that you know that you deserve that much.
God bless you.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I totally agree. My 95 year old mother had a pacemaker implanted last year. At that time my mother had a DNR but no health proxy so the decisions was left to my father who has moderate cognitive decline. He overrode the DNR because he did not want his wife to die. My sisters and I would never have agreed to this. She would have died a natural death at 94 years of age. We would have grieved and celebrated her life.

It cost $320,000 of Medicare money to keep her in CICU and install that pacemaker. This is on the taxpayer's dime. All this for a woman who has mobility issues, can no longer toilet herself on her own, is racked with arthritis and is severely depressed because she was fiercely independent and can no longer do much of anything. The only winners in this situation were the hospital and the cardiologist. They scored a big payday.

Now she is in a nursing home and is Medicaid pending. I'm hoping and praying she will get it but who knows. The stress of this just keeps going.

I know this smells of the greatly feared death panels that had everyone's knickers in a twist a few years ago, but I think before you install a pacemaker in a 94 year old woman, there should be an assessment of future quality of life. The same thing is done for heart transplants. A 95 year old person would not receive a donor heart for obvious reasons. There has to be some balance in medical decisions for the super elderly.

I know it is a slippery slope but I just don't agree with all this high tech medical intervention for the extreme elderly. That $320,000 could have been better spent somewhere else.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Evamar Dec 18, 2023
First I was shocked at my GF’s mother decisions when with advanced cancer she refused all treatments and within a week chose to die with dignity aka MAID, then I understood as former nurse she knew what was coming.
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You are not able to take care of your father anymore.
I am saying this as another caregiver who knows her limitations and if my heath suffered priority would be obvious. Me.
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Reply to Evamar
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Do you live with him or does he live in your house?

If it's the former, move out and get your own place. If it's the latter, he needs to go to a skilled nursing facility.

Easy peasy. If you don't see it that way, you need to figure out why you feel this attached to him. It doesn't make sense to be in your situation when he's so awful and you have your own health issues.
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Reply to Fawnby
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AnnPanel Dec 20, 2023
Easy Peasy. Really? That's your wisdom. EASY?

I feel for you.
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Nothing is EVER easy or cut and dried about elder care Ann. But when your health is THIS compromised and you're still caring for dad, then you're putting his life before your own. That's not right. All lives are equally important. If you apply for Medicaid on dad's behalf for long term care, you're NOT throwing him out on the street. Not at all. You're seeing to it that a team of caregivers help him 24/7 while you care for yourself. You can visit him daily, if you'd like.

Please take our comments in the spirit in which they were offered: with genuine concern for YOU. Dad's lived his life and will be fine in managed care. Who takes care of Ann when she breaks down? Wishing you clarity and wisdom in your time of need.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I'm an old person (2 weeks short of 87) and I totally agree about longevity. As I've said before, I think life-prolonging research should come to a FULL STOP until society figures out what to do with a growing number of old-old people, many with serious health issues. You're right: old people die--eventually. Personally, I try to keep my involvement with the medical industrial complex as minimal as possible. No "heroic measures" at EOL, please!

Your father perhaps didn't intend or even want to live to reach the circumstances in which he now finds himself. However, it is what it is. My husband (94) and I would prefer to stay in our home, but we are determined not to become dependent upon our adult children for care. We do not want to destroy their "go-go" retirement years even if that means we end up in a different, less optimal, living situation.

Your father sounds like someone who has pretty much gotten his way throughout his entire life, so it will be difficult for him to adapt. However, difficult doesn't mean impossible. It appears that he needs 24/7 care. You absolutely cannot provide that, but you can perhaps advocate for obtaining it, which would be in the best interests of you and your father.
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Reply to ElizabethAR37
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cover9339 Jan 2, 2024
As long as it's lucrative to keep a person alive, then the show will go on, so to speak.
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