My father and I had another conversation about how he doesn't know anything about my financial condition, and if something happened to me, he'd be lost. This is really a multi-part issue.
1. He's blind, so that's constantly on his mind.
2. He's a bag of worries, big, small and everything in-between.
3. It's a rerun of an issue, which is starting to worry me. It comes up multiple times in a year when he ties himself in knots with worry.
But, at the same time, he has a valid point. If something happens to me he's kind of screwed.
How would I protect a blind man so he could function if I weren't around? I should add that I brought up hiring a lawyer, he went quiet, I've mentioned other relatives but he still goes quiet. It would probably be the same with a 3rd party financial planner.
I'm not actually sure there's an answer that would satisfy him, and not result in the topic coming up again, but something does need to be put in place for him. I'm just not sure what this is.
Any ideas?
Or look directly at sources that help the blind in your community. Blind people do live independently in this world.
Your dad is living in fear and his anxiety is affecting how you feel. You will both be able to relax once you know what resources are available for him.
Try your best not to get caught up in your father’s anxiety so much that you mimic his behavior. This happened to me when my mother would have anxiety attacks. The doctor placed mom on Ativan and it helped to calm her. Then, I felt calmer too.
Best wishes to you and your father.
Agree 100% on the anxiety. A couple of years ago I got him on Zoloft, and it was life-changing for me, and for him. But, of course, he refused to keep taking it. Every damn time something might help him he fights it.
You would want a Certified Licensed Fiduciary, such as the ones appointed in any court proceeding for someone aged and no longer able to handle their own affairs but without family to take over.
Any elder law attorney will be familiar with the name of Fiduciaries serving in your area as they are the ones around when judges appoint them.
If Dad doesn't want other family members (certainly the easiest and best way) then he would have to call an elder law attorney.
You say he goes "silent" when you speak of this to him, but he worries over it (clearly not silently) when you aren't talking about it? Just tell him to let you know when he's ready to talk.
Simply put the name of an elder law attorney or fiduciaries where he can access them if anything were to happen to you. A social worker could help him at that time as well. Any services working with the blind in your area would be able to help him in emergencies as well.
Do you have a family of your own?
How has dad survived taking care of himself or have you spent your entire life taking care of dad?
When my mother passed, he also lost his vision, the ability to drive, and a lot of independence. At this point, I started taking things over. He doesn't understand how I manage things, autopay's, internet, etc. He worries because he's not in control, and he isn't.
But, he also can't manage it. He's lost his credit card, freaked out, twice, when he purchased something then panicked that he'd been scammed (he was, once). He's also never accepted any help for dealing with being blind. He's a vet, has access to amazing services for the blind, and it took 2 years for him to agree to use it. He's been remarkably self-destructive like with the Zoloft, which really helped, but after a month he quit using it.
I'm also tired of it. I do have some health issues, spent 3 days in the hospital for pneumonia (I walked in, had no idea I had it, wasn't really at risk of dying, but still). The health issues are related to stress, I need a new job, badly. But every time I bring it up, he goes into panic mode about something stupid like reading his mail. He's the primary reason I stayed in this damn job as long as I did. I may have finally found a new gig, remote but hybrid so local too.
He's not wrong to want a plan, I just don't think there's anything I can do that will satisfy him. I'm also terrified of cognitive decline. There are some minor signs of it.
I have a lawyer who did his trust, I may eat the hour and talk to him. I also have a cousin who would help him. She's plenty capable of handling his finances if something were to happen to me but it's not fair to her to take on the burden either. Her husband is having health issues, her mother isn't a spring chicken and her father passed a year ago.
Yuck!
If you're responsible for your dad's care, then you should have some provisions in your will that will cover that or he should in his. Does he have a back-up POA? He should. If there isn't anyone, he should consider naming his bank's trust department or a fiduciary.
It doesn't really matter if he likes it or not, the fact is both you and he need to have a Plan B in place in case something happens to you. If he is that dependent on you, he's like a child. You wouldn't want your children to be tossed out into the social services system if you died, so you would make provisions for them. His care would be no different.
My husband and I had our estate paperwork in order by our late 30s. We had three small kids, lived in a different state from all our family members, and between us we had seven siblings, any of which might have been awarded custody if they sought it. We made sure our wishes were clear on that in the event something happened to us. Do the same for your dad.
He's not really upset about that I don't think. It's really that he's trying to cope with being blind and that he can't function the way he wants to. And his abilities are diminishing as he ages. He has a really hard time doing things like making doctor appointments but he resists letting me help him.
I'm frustrated too. I've been dealing with his anxiety for years. It's affected my decision making and I need a life change too.
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