Estranged mother may need care soon. What do I do?

Question

Estranged mother may need care soon. What do I do?

Follow

Share

I asked a question about a year ago about my FIL who was refusing to go into a care facility. I had been taking care of him for four years and also his wife for two years, before she passed away. I received many good answers from the people on this forum. Since then he too has passed away and my husband and I have managed to start getting our lives back to normal. Cue the next crisis.

I have been estranged from my own mom for four years. The estrangement started when I was about a year in to caring for my in-laws. The catalyst for the estrangement was that she accused me of abusing my in-laws. This was absolutely untrue, and she never really gave a reason as to why she thought I was abusing them. I never said an unkind word to either one of my husband’s parents. In fact, I had quit my job in order to care for them, which was never really appreciated.

Although her accusation was the official reason I stopped talking to her, in truth, it was just the straw that broke the camels back. She has been a cruel, delusional alcoholic all my life. Her behaviour has pushed away every single person in her life except for my younger sister. Full disclosure, I have also suffered from alcoholism but have been sober for the past 3 1/2 years.

My sister lives about a 6 hour drive away from the town where my mother and I live. She calls my mother every day and visits three times a year for a couple days each time. On this last visit, she informed my father, from whom my mother is divorced, that my mother is going downhill. She is having trouble caring for her house and can’t even change lightbulbs by herself anymore. She is 69 years old. My sister then informed my dad that she thinks she is going to ask me to take care of my mother.

I CANNOT DO THIS.

If I agree to take care of my mother, she will take over every aspect of my life. She truly cares about nothing except herself. She would not care if taking care of her killed me.

My question is, how do I handle this with my sister? We are very close, and I really do hate that the burden of my mother is on her. However, I also know that five minute phone calls and three time a year visits are nothing compared to what would be expected of me.

Although my sister hasn’t even broached the subject with me yet, I know that it is coming. I do feel sympathy for her because I understand that she must be at a loss for what to do since she lives so far away. I just know that I cannot take care of this woman. What do I do?

Alcohol Abuse Care Decisions Relationships

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

34 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

If mom wont go to a home can she move near your sister ? Can you do the practical things ... finances and paperwork ... while your sister visits and transports to appts.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

No no - a thousand times NO! You first. Protect yourself at all costs. You don’t need this. You are estranged for a reason. Your sister has to understand where you are coming from. If not, tell her that it is not in you to do this. And be firm. Do not give in. I know what I am talking about. Been there and wish I had made arrangements for asst living for my mother. My mother and I were estranged for 30 yrs. It will not work. Didn’t work before - will not work now. And don’t feel badly about your decision.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Know your mother's financial situation and start looking into Assisted Living or
Board and Care facilities. In Orange County, CA most have waiting lists so do your homework. Good Luck.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Hi Compassionate5, fortunately I already have a lot of the legwork done as far as choosing a facility is concerned; I had to do that research for both of my in-laws. That being said, I don’t actually have POA over my mother, my sister does. So even though I know what needs to be done I don’t actually have any authority to do anything. And, quite frankly, my mother is still at the point where she would be considered fine to live on her own. At least I know what needs to be done in the future. Thanks!

(2)

Report

My parents were, I guess, functioning alcoholics and I did not know they were drinking to excess. Unfortunately they moved down the street from me while in their 60s and it became apparent their drinking was excessive and their marriage was deteriorating. Long story short, because of living down the street from them, I have been sucked into a black hole of misery for a decade. Dad finally stopped drinking because he developed dementia and was moved to a care home. Mom lives alone now in that same house and it has been an unpleasant roller coaster because of her drinking, drama, falls, etc. My advice is to keep your distance because at your mom's age she will be a dark cloud over your head for some of (what should be) the best years of your life.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Hi Upstream, I agree with you that keeping my distance is the best thing to do. The drama that you have described is exactly what I know would happen if I let my mother back into my life. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that with both parents and are still dealing with it with your mother. Hugs.

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

Moving forward maybe you can think of yourself as the air traffic controller in your mother's life, helping your sister to manage things but from afar. Even if you're helping with just logistics it might still be a great assistance for your family. .
If you say no and do nothing, how will you feel when your mother passes? You have to decide what your obligation is and what you feel comfortable with.
Do you do you think at this point you, your sister, and your mother could go and have lunch in a place that does not serve alcohol in order to try to reacquaint yourselves? Keep it light short and sweet. Maybe you can do this on the occasions when your sister visits.
Could mom move to your sister's city?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Rabanette, thanks for your reply. My sister has asked my mother to move to her town many times but with no success. It may happen eventually but right now she will not do it.

As far as reacquainting myself with my mother is concerned, I really have no interest in doing that. I’m sure that to those who have good relationships with their parents, that seems coldhearted. So be it. There is no “light, short and sweet” with my mother. That just isn’t who she is. I am willing to help out with things such as finding housing, paying bills, that sort of thing, when the time comes. I’m not willing to have a relationship with her unless she changes, which she won’t.

(3)

Report

That is good that you spoke to your sister. I almost missed that post.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Sudalu, you’re right that coming to this group helped me prepare for my conversation with my sister. And I am very lucky to have the sister that I do.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

How wonderful that you were able to talk to your sister and are able to work together. What a relief that must be!!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Good for you! Still will be helpful to have her talk to mom about assigning a POA and it doesn’t have to be either of you. I don’t know if your mom would wear a "life alert" device but it’s worth at least having sister ask mom. Glad you got that talk under your belt and air cleared. Sometimes we get worked up over things and worried before we need to. Understandable in your case.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Harpcat, my sister already has POA. I will mention the necklace to her, although I think she and I both already know what my mother will have to say about that!

(2)

Report

Thanks everyone for your responses. I just got off of the phone with my sister and am feeling much better after our conversation.

She told me that what she had actually said to my dad was that she was going to ask me if I would be willing to go to my mothers house and check on her if she wasn’t able to get in touch with her for an extended period of time. She said that she would call my mothers neighbor first and then me. This would only be after not being able to reach her for more than 24 hours. Essentially, she is worried about what will happen if my mother is lying on the floor and no one knows about it.

I told her that if she’s really worried about that, it would be better to call 911 if the neighbor isn’t available. She agreed.

We ended up having a long conversation about what is going to happen with our mother when things eventually do go south. At this point, she’s not leading a wonderful life but she is still capable of being on her own, officially. She’s not at the point where anyone can force her into any kind of care. I don’t know when that time will come. It could be in a month, or she could lead this sad existence for another 10 years.

At any rate, my sister told me that she has no expectations of me ever providing any hands-on care for my mother. She also told me that she doesn’t want to do it either! I can’t blame her for that! She said that when the time comes, she will take care of placement but has asked me to help her look for homes and help her navigate the legal stuff (when the time comes) since I know about it from taking care of my in-laws. I am fine with that.

So I essentially got myself into a nervous tizzy over nothing. I’m very grateful for everyone’s advice. Especially those who told me that I should talk to my sister before any crisis happened. It’s really good that we had this talk because I feel like we’re on the same page. Whew!

Helpful Answer (15)

Report

Molly72, you did the right thing by expressing your concerns to this group before you had the conversation with your sister. It helped you to be prepared to handle it the best way possible. I'm sure many people, aside from you, were helped by reading this post. Your sister sounds like a saint.

(7)

Report

Molly I read your recent response. I’m so proud of you for getting sober and also for recognizing this would not be good for you to care for mom. The feelings you describe are not unusual and most likely could be linked to a bit of codependency being the child of an alcoholic wanting to fix things. If you are feeling pulled by that then you know what it is and can go discuss with a good therapist your feelings. I’m so glad you have a sister who is kind and that you get along. It appears you are projecting what the future may hold and what’s great is that we are helping you prepare how to react if it comes to that. I agree with getting a game plan together with sister. You can even lay your refusal to care for mom at the doorstep of your alcoholic past as well as a therapist telling you to say no way! Your mom could even move near your sister. You’ve had your shift of caregiving and you KNOW how hard it is, she doesn’t. But you need to get POA for finances and medical to one of or both of you. That should be done sooner than later and yes, your sister can handle things from afar. It’s done all the time. Thankfully we live in a time where there are rides that can be arranged and grocery delivery and Angie's list etc. Stand firm and strong. You know what’s best for you.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

its a terrible situation to be in. I was there and I know. all I can tell you is TO BE HONEST with your sister and tell her your true feelings. there is no other way if you want to keep your sister as a best friend. you need to tell her everything you wrote to us. there are other avenues to take. Nursing home, home care help, hospice when needed, maybe a friend who would like to make a few bucks on the side, senior care helpers, etc.
not all people can do this job especially if you are starting out with a negative attitude towards your mom.
I would suggest approaching your sister before she approaches you. let her know your feelings and hopefully the two of you can work something out together.
good luck

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

So many great answers here. I know you don't want to cause a rift between you and your sister. That would be heartbreaking, but your sobriety must come first.

Would your dad talk to your sister about the fact that you just can't take care of your alcoholic mother? What would they do if you were killed in a car accident? They would do something.

As others advised, you might help your sister get resources in hand. That way you could help her without having to interact with your mother. I hope your sister isn't feeling like she has no options, she has options too. What would happen to your mom of both of you were dead? I don't think anyone has mentioned getting legal stuff in order yet.

Wow, 64 isn't old. I could well have a child that age. In fact I remarried at 65. It is 19 years later and I am still on my feet taking care of hubby.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

DO NOT TAKE ON CARE OF HER for both of your sakes - it is hard enough caring for someone you love/like much less someone you seem to actively dislike even despise - there are other options:
1 - mom can move to be near sister - this takes you out of equation completely
2 - there are social services that can be accessed by mom
3 - mom can go to assisted living

You have done your care taking stint & from how you word things it would be detrimental to you to get back into so soon - your health both mental & physical will suffer - if you did it then within a short period of time you would back out due to your stress level so don't even go there

Maybe write sis a letter stating that you are sorry but there is no way that you are ready to resume any relationship with your mom much less picking up her care taking - do this calmly & with great forethought - if your mom is still drinking then that will be toxic for you & you may not recover a second time - all this must be disclosed to sis - if you write this & send it then she will know better where you stand in regards to care for your mom - of course you will give moral support to sis but no physical support to mom

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

I’ve read a few of the replies, and maybe you and your dad can help in different ways. Maybe running errands, maybe financially supporting caregivers, prescriptions or supplies when the time comes. You seem to have a realistic view on the situation and I encourage You to stick with what you know about your limitations. Tough situation. God, all of these are tough situations. If you pray I would suggest that too. Good luck

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

The good news is that you still speak to sister. This can help you negotiate a plan to share & not have total burden on you. Maybe Assisted Living? Or have a woman come in a few times a week for a few hours? However you work it out, financial responsibility should also be shared. Nobody can do it all & you already know that from experience. So work out a plan with sister. Hugs 🤗

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Experts advise that the abused not caretake their abusers. The liklihood of neglect or mistreatment is high and the caretaker is likely to develop autoimmune and other diseases.

You could have a firm "no" response ready and rehearse it many times. Perhaps write to your sister in advance of her asking in order to prevent the request in the first place.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Just wondering - for the first six months in caring for your inlaws you were an active alcoholic? Could there be a small amount of truth in what your mom said? I also find it difficult to believe you QUIT drinking during your time as a caregiver. That, by itself, usually makes a person WANT to drink! Regardless, you are not obligated to take care of your mother. You are nominated because you have experience and to alleviate THEIR guilt. Tell her you have done your caregiving time. Don't be equivocal, Just be firm.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

For you to read between the lines and ask the OP if she really WAS abusive to her inlaws is inappropriate, in my opinion. To develop your own time line as to when and how she stopped drinking is also not part of the problem the OP was seeking advice for. It's not our job to create more guilt for these care givers, is it? We are here to share our experience, hope and strength with one another, that's all.

(21)

Report

See 2 more replies

good to being going into it, knowing your limitations. Use your prior experience to find out what will work for your mother’s future needs. Talking to your sister during this stage is good to establish your ongoing plans. Never too soon to discuss the options

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

First priority is your marriage and sobriety. I believe that morally these come first and under no circumstances should endanger your health. No problem of moral obligation at all here. Now, I understand your desire to help your sister, but it seems that both of you are not thinking about alternatives to hands on care. Can you make it very clear that you will not provide this kind of care, it cannot even be considered. So, look at other alternatives - I suspect that the best place for your alcoholic, mentally sick mom, is in an appropriate facility, not at home. Her health needs are way beyond that. Is there any reason why ex-husband and younger sister are not looking into alternatives? I'd not wait to be approached but start the conversation with sister, making it clear that you must be taken off the discussion table for any hands on care or extensive involvement.

Helpful Answer (16)

Report

Rovana, alternatives for my moms care haven’t been looked into as of yet because although she is a life long alcoholic, she has always been a functioning alcoholic. The idea of her needing care always seemed to be something in the future. Perhaps it still is. I think my sister just got spooked by her going downhill when she came to visit this Christmas. My mother is still living on her own, still driving. I think my sister is just fearful that she may need care sooner than we thought. Since I don’t see my mother myself, I really can’t know for sure how bad she is.

My dad actually did offer help to my sister, but oooooooh myyyyyy Goood no. They have been divorced for 25 years but even mentioning my father turns my mother into something like a wild animal. It would not end well.

I do think you are right about getting ahead of the problem and talking to my sister before she brings it up. Perhaps then we can come up with some kind of a plan. Of course, any plan that involves my mother not getting exactly what she wants will be met with rage. Sigh.

(9)

Report

I think daughters have been trained from birth to never use the word "NO" when it comes to their mother. For petesake, mine would tell me daily how I must NEVER speak badly about her, even if she's a murderer & a drunkard *her words, not mine* & so on. Brainwashing is another word for this type of guilt that's inflicted on us. The truth is, most people are not equipped to be a caregiver for their aged/sickly/addicted parents. Period. We may think we are, or be driven to do so by unfounded guilt, or whatever, but in reality, there is a TON of work that goes into care giving. Take my mother *please* for instance. At 92 she is 100% incontinent, even bowel incontinent from time to time, she is mostly deaf but won't get a hearing aid, can't feel her feet due to neuropathy, has chronic vertigo as a result, has insomnia, chronic anxiety, uses a walker and soon to be a wheelchair, has no sense of responsibility whatsoever *due to her narcissism* and the list goes on. Am I qualified to take care of her? Nope. Would I want to, even if I were qualified? Nope. Does this make me a bad person? Nope. But even if you say it DOES make me a bad person, that's fine. Know why? Because mommy dearest has ruined ENOUGH of my 61 years on earth as it is, and having to take care of her daily would make me want to end my own life. Literally. So, if it's 'her or me', I'll choose 'me'. I love my mother but I don't like her, and that will never change. So thousands of dollars per month are paid for others to care for her in an assisted living facility. I thank God daily that my parents had the money to pay for this incredibly valuable service. If your sister thinks it's your job to take your mom in, tell her precisely why it isn't. I'm an alcoholic too, and let me tell you, if mother moved in with me, there wouldn't be enough alcohol on earth for me to drink. And I say that being sober for 10+ years. Congratulations to YOU for your 3+ years of sobriety, that is awesome!

Best of luck, dear woman.

Helpful Answer (23)

Report

Lealonnie1, your comment about there not being enough alcohol in the world to drink made me laugh. Congratulations on your 10+ years!

(11)

Report

I meant no offense about your sister. As is laid bare often on this forum, caregiving brings out both the best and worst in people. Caregiving changes people. The exhaustion and anger associated with caregiving has a name: caregiver stress. Sadly, caregiver stress kills.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

NYDaughterInLaw, I know that you didn’t mean any offence and I truly wasn’t offended by what you wrote. From taking care of my in-laws, I know how right you are about caregiver stress. I simply wanted to say that my sister is a good person and I love her. Does it mean we won’t have problems figuring out what to do about our mother? Nope. She’s never experienced caregiving before. Learning to be a caregiver by caring for my mother is like learning to ski on Mount Everest. Not the easiest.

(8)

Report

Thank you so much to everyone for your responses. I have to say that it does make me feel more comfortable having others tell me that I don’t have to take care of my mother. It’s hard to explain, but even after everything that has happened between us, I still have a deep rooted feeling that I HAVE TO take care of her, otherwise I am a terrible person. It’s difficult to think differently.

I like the idea of making a list of my moms needs and going over them with my sister. I am willing to help find local agencies, etc., as long as I am not responsible for hands on care and am not expected to be in contact with my mother. Especially since, as lkdrymom said, this could be a 20 year commitment. Ye gads.

I am not in AA. I tried it out on a previous attempt at getting sober and it wasn’t a good fit for me. I got sober under the supervision of my doctor and I did see a therapist for the first year of my sobriety. I don’t know if any of you have dealt with addiction, and it is hard to describe to people who haven’t experienced it. Honestly, it feels like I clawed my way out of hell. I can’t go back there. I’m sorry that my mom is still there but I don’t want to be around it.

Sorry....got a bit heavy there!

I may be making something out of nothing. My sister hasn’t even approached me yet and she may not. All she has done, so far, is talk to my dad about the possibility of talking to me. I guess I just want to be prepared for when (or if) she does approach me.

I really want to emphasize that my sister is not a thoughtless person. She is actually very kind. If she approaches me about my mother, I have no doubt that it will be because she doesn’t know what else to do. I’ve definitely been there with my in-laws. When you have no experience with aging parents, you don’t know what to do and grasp at whatever you can.

Thank you all for your support!

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Sounds like you can really talk to your sister frankly. That is so great!

(6)

Report

See 1 more reply

It is your sister's choice to involve herself in your mother's life. Even from 6 hours away, your sister can coordinate the services your mother needs. Your mother is very young, which means your sister may in for decades of caregiving if that is her choice. But to pawn off an alcoholic mother onto a recovering alcoholic sister by asking you to "take care of your mother" is a special kind of thoughtless.

Because you have already been through caregiving, you can share tips and resources with your sister; however, you must remain strong and keep away from your mother. Your are estranged from your mother for good reason, and your sister must accept that, to you, your mother is a toxic person.

Helpful Answer (14)

Report

Your sister needs to talk to your mom ( a competent adult) about what realistic choices are for the next phase of her life.

They can ask all they want, but your answer must be " no, I can't possibly do that".

Helpful Answer (13)

Report

You said it yourself, she would use you up until death and not even care.

Your sister can not expect you to help your mom because her life choices are catching up to her. If mom needs help there are lots of agencies that can help her. I am afraid with the alcohol abuse everyone will find mom doesn't want help, she wants another drink and you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

I wouldn't get involved, if your sister is close to her she is the one that needs to do it. Support your sister and love her but don't get sucked back into any kind of assistance with your mom. It is to easy to say, since you're so close can you? NO, NO, NO AND NO! Just don't walk through that door. Let the professionals deal with this from the start. Your sister has no right to involve you so she doesn't have to do it. I get she is concerned but you are not the solution. She needs to know from the start , when and if she broaches the subject. That you have worked to hard to get your life on track and you absolutely refuse to entertain playing with toxic waste, PERIOD. Hand her the list of social services in your town and say hope it works out.

If you call and schedule or set anything up you will be a contact for her and when stuff starts falling apart, yep, you'll get the calls, DON'T DO IT.

Choices have consequences and we can not pay for our parents choices by suffering consequences so they don't have to, it is okay to say no.

Well done taking responsibility for your life and getting sober, big hugs! You deserve to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Thank you for this advice. I have been searching for words to help my husband to not get sucked back in to the Victim Vortex of his narcissistic, widowed mother. His family role has always been the unappreciated doormat -- a role that he has finally fought back against & stopped being. However, old habits die hard & he is starting to feel guilty. Guilty for what I ask him. He helps with anything that absolutely NEEDS to be done, just not with her whims.

(2)

Report

There is nothing wrong with saying NO. Your sister has no idea what is involved but you do. Not to mention your mom is quite young. That could end up a 20 year commitment. Add to the fact that you are no contact with her. Why would you even consider it? It would be hard enough to do this for someone you loved. If you ever get that call from your sister just say "I'm sorry but that is just not possible". Do a little research on aid your mother could get and give that info to your sister and let HER arrange it. Stay hands off. Tell her you already gave up 4 years of your life to be a caregiver and you have no more to give. She will approach you because you are the "easiest" option. Don't make it easy on anyone. Quite frankly the person who is responsible for mom is mom herself. This is not your job to take on.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

There is a good excuse right there, you can't be around the drinking. Do you go to AA? If so, and you told other members about Mom, they would probably tell you not to get involved. You have said it, she was a cruel person. Why would you want to involve yourself with someone like that.

You have done your duty. Its time to get your life back. You must be in your 40s. First, you and hubby should get away together. Can be a weekend somewhere but do something. If you haven't yet and want to, get a job. Four years out of the workforce is not that long. Start getting your life back. Like suggested. Find resources in your area. Office of Aging can probably help with a lot of things. Ours actually has a booklet. Ours also has a bus. My nephew just signed up for a car service called Access here in NJ.

You have very good reasons for not wanting to be involved with Mom. And, I wouldn't start doing anything for her. Because it will be one thing, then two and then it will snowball. You have taken care of two inlaws. Just tell sister what u said here. You just can't care for another person and especially an alcholic. You refuse to endanger your sobriety. Which u will be doing.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

If you had emphysema and your mom smoked constantly, you wouldn't be her caregiver. You have a disease and your mom will make it worse. Don't do it. Your sister will understand. She's just looking for an answer to the problem. You aren't it. There is another answer out there.

Helpful Answer (13)

Report

NO is a complete sentence.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Estranged mother may need care soon. What do I do?

34 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions