I asked a question about a year ago about my FIL who was refusing to go into a care facility. I had been taking care of him for four years and also his wife for two years, before she passed away. I received many good answers from the people on this forum. Since then he too has passed away and my husband and I have managed to start getting our lives back to normal. Cue the next crisis.
I have been estranged from my own mom for four years. The estrangement started when I was about a year in to caring for my in-laws. The catalyst for the estrangement was that she accused me of abusing my in-laws. This was absolutely untrue, and she never really gave a reason as to why she thought I was abusing them. I never said an unkind word to either one of my husband’s parents. In fact, I had quit my job in order to care for them, which was never really appreciated.
Although her accusation was the official reason I stopped talking to her, in truth, it was just the straw that broke the camels back. She has been a cruel, delusional alcoholic all my life. Her behaviour has pushed away every single person in her life except for my younger sister. Full disclosure, I have also suffered from alcoholism but have been sober for the past 3 1/2 years.
My sister lives about a 6 hour drive away from the town where my mother and I live. She calls my mother every day and visits three times a year for a couple days each time. On this last visit, she informed my father, from whom my mother is divorced, that my mother is going downhill. She is having trouble caring for her house and can’t even change lightbulbs by herself anymore. She is 69 years old. My sister then informed my dad that she thinks she is going to ask me to take care of my mother.
I CANNOT DO THIS.
If I agree to take care of my mother, she will take over every aspect of my life. She truly cares about nothing except herself. She would not care if taking care of her killed me.
My question is, how do I handle this with my sister? We are very close, and I really do hate that the burden of my mother is on her. However, I also know that five minute phone calls and three time a year visits are nothing compared to what would be expected of me.
Although my sister hasn’t even broached the subject with me yet, I know that it is coming. I do feel sympathy for her because I understand that she must be at a loss for what to do since she lives so far away. I just know that I cannot take care of this woman. What do I do?
For this reason alone and the fact that your mother is still an active drinker you need to remain detached.
Alcoholics are often narcissistic & don’t care or are unable to realize the needs of anyone else.
If your mother at 69 hasn’t realized yet that she has a problem she may never admit it.
Don’t expose yourself to that behavior. It’s not fair to you nor your husband who has no doubt provided you with the support you needed to stop drinking.
Explain that to your sister. It’s time for someone else to pick up the slack.
Your sister can arrange for grocery delivery, county transport to doctor visits, home repair, etc. When she visits your mom she can make lists of what repairs need to be done and arrange them via Angie’s List or Home Advisor to get estimates, etc and your mother can choose what how she wants to proceed and make the decision.
Its self preservation for you. People are responsible for their bad decisions. Your mother is still young enough to recognize her problem; whether she does or not is not your problem. You recognized yours and deserve Kudos, and did so while you were caring for your in-laws.
Work on the list with your sister, and make a plan together when you can see the whole picture. Your sister can involve your mother in making the list, and both of them need to know that ‘help’ doesn’t include contact with you! That is better for your relationship with your sister than just saying no. It will also help your sister to see when and if alternative accommodation is needed.
Then, in a word, don’t. You are a grown woman, right? Tell your sister that you and she need to discuss alternative placements.. or, alternative transports. Maybe her city has a regional transport. Ours does. All you need to do is call and schedule a pick-up. Ours even has handicap vans. Hand it off to them. Check it out on the Internet. Ours costs about $8 round trip.
Don't get involved if you think you can’t handle it. There are alternatives. Mom may have to adjust her schedule to fit the bus, but that’s ok. Mine did. And, there’s alway Uber and Lyft.
And, there are plenty of handymen and landscapers begging for jobs. Utilize them. But, check their credentials first. .