Husband in early/mid-stage dementia refuses to exercise even with me. As a result, he is getting less and less mobile. He can barely walk a block. I've tried asking him to go with me, suggesting, coaxing, cajoling, nagging. Everyone (doctors therapists etc) tells me to leave him alone about this.
It's so hard to watch him deteriorate. I'm worried I can't push a wheelchair. I find myself a little angry that he's doing this to himself, and selfishly to me.
If gentle persuasion and a shared walk doesn't make your husband "want" this, what other reason is there for it? To make him live a few months longer in this state of constant loss and torment?
. He has already negotiated enough losses and there are more to come (as have you). I wouldn't press this, because then he has lost also any peace he can have with the one person left to love him.
On some level you are losing the person you love. He is not himself, and both he and you are losing pieces of him daily. Only you can decide when it is best for you to place him, visit him, accept this, and try to reclaim some living for yourself in your own latter years.
This is a tragedy, and you will see on Forum that you are so not alone. None of this is easy and we often need help. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.
His brain is now broken and will NEVER get any better, only worse. He is not doing anything to himself, or selfishly to you.
He can't help that he can no longer exercise with you. I'm sure if he could he would. His brain is no longer able to tell his body what to do, and while yes that is heartbreaking, it is also his and yours new reality, and the sooner you can accept that the better off the both of you will be.
And when it comes to where he can no longer walk and needs to pushed in a wheelchair, if it's too much for you, you will have to have him placed in the appropriate facility, where you can just be his wife and advocate and not his caregiver.
So for now, redirect your anger at the disease itself(as you have every right to mad at it)and not at your poor husband, and try and enjoy whatever time you have left with him, as there will come a day when you will wish for just one more day with him.
Whether he exercises or not, the outcome will be the same. This is a cruel disease.
If you're worried that you can't push a wheelchair, look into care facilities where someone can. Then you'll be prepared when that day finally comes. Preparing yourself has everything to do with helping him, and it's the best thing you can do for both of you.
Very sorry, OP.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you
Yes, you have good intentions but all the nagging in the world is not going to help and it will ultimately make you feel worse than you already do.
Please educate yourself thoroughly on his condition and then the only thing that is left to do is decide whether or not you are able to continue to care for him by yourself.
You can hire additional help for your home through an agency or a private caregiver or you can place him in a facility where all of his needs are met by a complete staff around the clock.
They don't understand selfish, their minds are broken.
The doctors, therapists are giving you good advice, back off all you are doing is upsetting yourself.
He may need to go into MC at some point, a motorized scooter may be needed or an electrical wheelchair, time will tell.
Daycare may be something to consider right now, so he can get use to doing things with other people, sometimes a little competition helps.
There is no cure for this disease, we caretakers need to roll with the punches and keep our sanity, not losing ourselves in the process.
Let it be his choice and begin making plans before you find yourself breaking your back trying to lift him, change him, clean him etc.
My husband is obsessed with working out, and everything that's ever happened to my body is because I don't workout. Ruptured a disc in your back? "You didn't workout." Got a cold? "You didn't workout" (and he ALWAYS goes to the gym sick, so he can sweat it out). 🙄
I hope you aren't that person, because it's obnoxious. What your husband is doing is not intentional or something he's doing to spite you -- it's DECLINE. It will come to you, too, one day in spite of you exercising.
This is his illness, so don't make him out to be selfish. When we decline, we turn inward and tend to become unable to please others. Read up about dementia because to be informed is empowering. Contact the Alzheimers Association, watch videos by Teepa Snow, read a book, but learn what you can. It'll help both of you.
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