dnajaras Asked October 2023
Failure to launch adult child. Does anyone have advice on this situation?
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We are inheriting the failure to launch adult child living in my mother's home (she has been deemed with mild cognitive disorder and unable to make medical decisions). He has lived in the home rent free for about the last ten years. If my mother goes into a nursing home how do we get him out of the home.
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I know a woman who is still parenting her adult son in her home because he has special needs. This is her choice for the time being.
My friend’s mom was caring for her adult son who had special needs and when she needed to be placed in a facility, my friend found a group home for her brother.
Some group homes have waiting lists, so if this is your situation start looking now.
If this son is just purely lazy, then give him a heads up that you may need to sell the house for additional funds to cover the cost of your mother’s care.
Can you share a bit more information please? Thanks.
Best wishes to you and your family.
‘Mild cognitive disorder’ is also quite vague. M is not currently in a NH and is living at home with brother. Why do you think she should go into a NH if she is coping OK at home? It seems likely that brother is the POA, and M may well have made him POA well before she had any ‘tests’ or had any problems at all. Your other post inquires about POA and 'potential abuse'. Is living there the ‘potential abuse’ you are suggesting?
It sounds as though the situation is annoying to you, you would like to get M into a NH and get brother out of the house. I don’t think this site is going to be any use to you at all!
As I am sure most of us have told you, you and brother need to see a lawyer to know what responsibilities each of you have.
Free to do what? Become homeless and live under a bridge?
The guy's been there for ten years rent-free as the OP states and doesn't work.
There's no job out there for a person like this. Even the crappiest, minimum wage jobs aren't going to hire a guy who hasn't worked in ten years.
Let me ask you something. Would you set a dog or cat "free" when you don't want them anymore? Just drop them off somewhere and they can fend for themselves?
My guess is if you're a person with the slighest moral decency, you would not. You'd make a suitable arrangement for the animal.
Yet, you'd set a human being "free" who can't fend for himself?
That's pretty f'*d up and I don't mind saying so.
I'm sorry, but that sounds absolutely ridiculous. Has your mother been formally diagnosed by a doctor?
The 'failure to launch' child (who I'm assuming is your adult brother) living there for the last ten years rent free is really none of your business unless you own the place or your mother is being neglected, intimidated, threatened, or abused in some way by him.
You should pay some mind to how hard you make your brother's life lest responsibility for your mother's caregiving falls on you.
If your mother is happy with your brother living with her, it's her house they live in, and she isn't asking you for money to support him, I'd say mind your own business.
If your mother needs to go to a nursing home at some point (she may or may not need to) then decisions will have to be made then.
Also, you're not "inheriting" your brother. If he is special needs and can't look after himself, the state will have to appoint a conservator to make sure his needs are met. It's quite clear by your post that you would not take on that responsibility. None can judge you for refusing.
JoAnn is right. He may very well have caregiver rights and it would be his decision as to whether or not your mother gets placed. If she's being adequately cared for at home by him, no one can just drop her off in a care facility.
And to those screaming "evict him", please, we don't know enough about the living situation, relationships between the three parties, or brother's mental and physical abilities or disabilities to make that judgement.
Some children move out and move back in as adults. Some parents are okay with this arrangement, others aren’t.
Some parents take care of their children who have special needs.
Some adult children are taking advantage of their parents because they are lazy and don’t want to look for a full time job. Until they are booted out of the nest, they continue to stay at their parents home.
Others just need a little help until they get over a bump in the road. As soon as they are able to, they move out of their parent’s home. This situation seems like it is more than a bump in the road!
Regardless of what the situation is it will become complicated if the home needs to be sold in order to pay for care for the mom. Then a heads up to the son is needed so that he can find other living arrangements. Life is full of compromises.
The situation gets complicated if the person has been caregiving for a long time then they can't get a job they can live on.
I can't imagine anyone wanting to live with their parents in their adult life. I didn't want to live with my parents when I was a kid, let alone having to move back in my adult life.
Moving back with my mother to be her caregiver nearly ruined my life. If it had continued, it would have ended it.
I was really concerned about her when she stopped working and took her sister into her home to care for her. She had helpers from ARC and hospice in the end. Her sister died in her 50’s. I don’t remember the life expectancy for someone who has Downs.
My friend never married. So, she only had one income and just a small amount of savings to last her.
I told her that she needed to be concerned about her future and that it might be best if she found a facility for her sister.
She adamantly refused to place her sister. Their parents died years ago. She’s part of a large Italian family but my friend was closest to her younger sister and she did everything for her.
Her sister died and fortunately she found work again. She wasn’t able to return to her old job but a new law firm hired her.
I have another friend who literally cracked up under the pressure of caring for her adult son living with his extreme special needs.
She tried to kill herself and spent some time as an ‘in patient’ in a mental hospital afterwards. Her ex husband took care of him while she was in the mental hospital.
I felt horribly when I heard the news of her suicide attempt. Her son is violent. He would attack her continuously. She had bruises that she would try to hide.
He attacked his grandmother too. I was out of town when she tried to overdose on pills. The grandmother called to tell me about the suicide attempt.
He attacked me once and I told her that I was never going into her home again. I was black and blue. No matter who he attacked or how many times he attacked her she refused to place him in a facility.
I know that he has a disability but I was terrified. I couldn’t defend myself against a guy who was 6’2” and weighed over 200 lbs. It was a nightmare. My husband was really upset about it.
Unless you know the person, no one really knows what goes on behind the scenes regarding these situations.
The violence is extremely bad in these situations. The adrenaline rush in my friend’s son caused him to go berserk. She would hide in a closet when he was angry. I tried to run from him but I couldn’t escape.
This is a guy that I had been around since he was a baby! He knew me. He was darling as a young child but later on as a man in his 20’s it was a different story.
When he would snap, it was insane. She refused to call 911 because she was afraid of losing him. She lied to the psychiatrist and social workers about his behavior.
When I asked her why wouldn’t she place him, guess what she told me? She said, “No, I can’t do that. He will be abused in that setting!”
OMG, that's terrible. If your friend is willing to lie to the social workers, doctors, police, and refuses to have her son (who is a danger to himself and others placed) she is wrong.
She is putting more than just herself at risk. She's putting every innocent person who is within range of him "snapping" at risk. Your friend should not be worried about him being abused in a lock-down mental facility. He is insane and a danger to himself and others. The facility she's afraid to have him in is filled with people exactly like him.
I had a client years ago when I was in my 20's. After him I stopped taking any care clients whose who were mentally handicapped or who were receiving services due to a psychiatric illness.
This client was a man in his early 40's. He had a history of violence and psychiatric conditions. He would "snap" from time to time.
He was acting up and when I told him to chill out he "snapped" and came at me. I crowned that basket-case in the head with the skillet I was washing in the sink. I don't care what conditions anyone has. I will not take an injury or abuse for any reason. I got in my car, drove to a gas station and called the police (this was before cellphones).
I explained to the police and the agency I worked for at the time and had no problems.
The client was committed against his will to a secured mental facility. Exactly where he belonged
No one should tolerate violence or danger for any reason from anyone. Especially in their house. Your friend needs to have her violent, dangerous son put away.
A friend of mine tried to do herself in years back by turning her car on in the garage. Her life had become so bad caring for her MIL that she tried to end it. She's okay and her MIL was placed.
When the time comes for placement because the caregiving has gotten too dangerous or impossible, then it must be placement.
Just my opinion, if brother wants Mom placed, he must be aware this may mean the selling of her house for her care. Too many "blanks" in these posts. Lets say Mom goes into care, the house under Medicaid would be an exempt asset. Brother could continue to live there but needs to pay bills, taxes and upkeep. Thats only fair. Mom cannot pay for those things if she is on Medicaid. Siblings should not be expected to pay so, then he moves out on his own or gets evicted.
I doubt if this brother has any challenges if Mom felt he should be financial POA. OP would really need to prove brother is not performing his responsibilities correctly to get it revoked. Living rent free has nothing to do with his POA.
Pretty much every question this OP has asked someone has recommended they see a lawyer. Really, the brother and all his siblings because I don't think any of them understand what being a POA means. An Elder lawyer because he can explain to everyone what it means if Mom goes on Medicaid.
The POA documents themselves pretty much lays out what the POA does and how.
You're quite right that the brother not working has absolutely to do with him being the POA or carrying out those duties.
If the brother doesn't want the responsibility of the mother anymore, he knows what happens if she goes into a home.
If your Mother is still alive then no one is "inheriting" anything yet.
Please clarify if your Mother (and your brother) have actual medical diagnosis by doctors. "Deemed" is not the same as "diagnosed". "Deemed" by literal dictionary definition is an opinion. The facts change what advice is give to you by those of trying to respond to your question.
"If my mother goes into a nursing..."
It hasn't even happened yet. Who are her financial and medical PoAs? If she doesn't have anyone, why not? If no one is her PoA then the advice we give you will be very different.
We also need to know facts about your brother: does he have a diagnosed problem? I doubt anyone here would advise you to kick out someone who has a disability or health issue, so please clarify.
"Caregiver rights" come into play when Medicaid is involved. In this instance a son has been caring for his mother in the mother's home. She now needs care he can't provide so she is being placed in a facility with Medicaid paying for Moms care. The home is an exempt asset but Medicaid can say how its used. If the son can prove he cared for Mom for 2 years or more, he can remain in the house as long as he can pay the bills. Mortgage, taxes, upkeep, utilities.