When one sibling was courageous enough to suggest Mom re-consider getting some cognitive testing, she became ballistic armed with sibling and spouse protective attitudes and enabling. Sadly Dad is overlooked entirely, with his worries for the future, seemingly sworn to silence. We were all a close family. How to live respecting her wishes while doing nothing? We know it is fear and pride and pray we are soo wrong.
especially with advanced age.
But many keep their mental powers until death.
Here are four forms of possible decline:
(1) consciousness and self-awareness,
(2) memory,
(3) language and communication,
(4) autonomy.
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/CY-PER-D.html
A line i used on my mom once..." you're too smart to do something this stupid". The issue at hand had to do with breast cancer, but it's always fear driving the denial and avoidance.
One way to help families who are at odds is family mediators. This may seem extreme, and for your family it may be, but what it entails is that a third party - generally hired through a family services agency (nonprofit) - sits with the family to discuss the issues and suggest alternatives. This person is often a social worker with a lot of knowledge in the area that you are concerned about.
People are often less defensive when a third party is present, which can keep conversations on track. This is something to think about if you see no way around the family turmoil.
We're wishing you the best,
Carol
In my mind he has always been a difficult person, my mum was an angel but hospitalised because of breakdowns, after living there with him I can now see why. I'm home in my own home now at his and his g/f insistence & he is managing, he is still driving, one of the GP's gave him the all clear!
Today I've had a call from a social worker who has said that my dad wishes no further contact with me or my sisters, we are all so hurt. What's more... His girlfriend is now officially his next of kin and sole beneficiary. I was the Executrix of his will which was to be divided 3 ways equally between my sisters & myself... My dad has a very good neighbours who I'm very fond of and pass information to me. Is there anything more I can do? Thank you x
But, yes, you can all get together and work for the common good. But everyone has to agree to disagree. So, you may find that in your particular situation, no, there may never be complete agreement.
We never tried "mediation" but I would certainly consider it if my mother became so fragile she wasn't safe living in her apt. with just my brother's family there. (Brother is intent on keeping her at home "no matter what".)
If your mother is sound enough of mind to understand that she was to undergo a mental assessment, I can see why she'd be upset. Esp with your dad being alive and involved. Talk to him, see what he thinks. You can't really yank her out of the house and force her into testing. Agree to disagree and try to be calm and patient. Maybe right now is not the time. I don't really know of any families of more than 2 siblings all being in agreement about a parent's care. So, you're not alone. At least people care.
Even so they should consult by their doctor regarding the possibility of medication induced confusion (use a kinder word), Lyme disease and so on. This does not involve elaborate cognitive ability testing. It is merely a conversation guided by her doctor.
I don't know your specific situation so I am going to give general advice here.
One possibility is to move forward without the diagnosis, by concentrating on getting Mom to put her ducks in a row, with your help, regarding financial and medical power of attorney, advance directives and such. Point out in "casual conversation" that like planning for retirement, most people put these things in order at or before her age. Without a diagnosis you can still plan her care level. The only thing you might not be able to do without the medical diagnosis is qualify for certain medications, memory care homes or hospice. And to be honest, the current medications for Alzheimer's don't stop the disease, so they shouldn't be your number one priority. (Advice from our family geriatrician).
If the sister is willing to take the conversation back a notch, by not insisting mom "gets her memory tested for Alzheimer's", it would take a lot of the pressure off.