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In my experience, it is a difficult transition to watch loved ones deteriorate from dementia. You have a person who used to have good judgement and thinking, but that changes as dementia progresses. I have watched my aunts and mother go through this, and I educated myself so I could be of more assistance. If, after sharing information with your family about it, they continue to believe her, there isn't much else you can do. You might explain to them that if she told lies about them, you wouldn't believe them! Right up until the end of my one aunt's life, my mother insisted that she was "fine," though she could barely see or hear and perform simple tasks. My other aunt needed 24/7 care and despite my urging, her sisters refused to do so, and it did not end well. Family can be very difficult to work with through this process. My father-in-law had to sit his in-laws down and mediate the care of their father, because the three were arguing and getting nowhere. Once he got through to them, they sought the proper care for their father. One other helpful tip is to speak to your mother's doctor privately and also possibly a senior social worker for advice. If you can get everyone on the same page, things fall into place better.
this is not about you......why do you care if she tells lies about you?be a responsible adult and look at it as her dementia....not her......keep it in perspective.......and know you are doing the right thing...
I'm learning the hard way, that I must remember the source. Sometimes Mom says things, that she obviously believes, and she SEEMS like she's rational, but when I look into it, she got it all wrong. She's not going to change (at least not for the better), so I've got to. I am trying to remind myself that even when it seems like she's having a good day, it pays to take everything with a grain of salt, and if needed, investigate myself to find out what really happened. Sometimes it's obvious, like when I recently took her out to eat, and she told the waitress, that this is "the first good meal I've had in six months", and then proceeded to tell her how bad the food was at her ALF. However, we were at that same restaurant a week ago, and THAT was "the first good meal I've had in six months". It's a little embarrassing at times, because she seems so rational to others, but I know how mixed up she is about facts, dates, etc. So over the past several years I've gone from being hurt and hating her for the terribly mean things she was saying to me(see earlier posts), to accepting that this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her condition. It's a difficult adjustment, and I must say I have resorted to prayer quite a bit to take away my anger, and give me patience, and let me love her as she is. The rage, resentment, etc. was making me very sick and depressed. Didn't hurt her a bit---I was the one suffering. So like the name says "getnstrong". Maybe I should change to "getnstronger"!!
My mom "lies" all the time, but it's because she doesn't remember what happened. For example, when she was in the hospital, she told everyone that nobody came to visit her. It sounds to me, though, that the "lies" your mom is telling are hurting your feelings and you are feeling defensive, thinking that maybe others will think you are not taking good care of her. Since she is telling lies to other family members, you do need to tell them that this is a normal part of dementia and if they have any concerns or questions, they should talk to you directly. It would probably also help if these family members dropped in briefly once in a while so they could see that your mom is safe and comfortable. Hang in there!
Confabulation is partof dementia People say things containing information that is blatantly false, tell of actions that inaccurately describe history, background and present situations. They are coherent, internally consistent, and appear relatively normal. This despite contradicting evidence.
Professionals recognize the person is Confabulating. This is distinct from lying because there is typically no intent to deceive and the person is unaware that the information is false. Life is fraught with confabulation speak.
confabulations are a major annoyance — when friends, family, and the medical community take everything our loved ones say at face value, no matter how false we know their statements to be http://www.alzcompend.info/?p=293
A quote from: Ethelle Lord, DM - "I found something worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It is not getting the workforce trained in time to care for persons living with Alzheimer's whether at home or in a care center." Ethelle Lord is President remembering4you.com based in Maine Or friends and neighbors who don't understand.
Denial is sometimes easier than accepting that a loved one has dementia. As a result it is easier to accept the dementia lie than face the truth, the reality that your loved one is not the accurate source of information, the reliable, responsible strong person they once were.
I agree with the first two responses, from rich and Ba8alou, combined: your parent is very convincing, and your family doesn't (yet) appreciate that dementia makes people's narrative *extremely* unreliable. Jut wait 'til it's one of them that is alleged to have twisted her finger back on purpose, or something - then try not to laugh at the expression on their faces.
There is one further important point to make: that people with dementia are vulnerable to abuse, so it is not good enough just to assume that EVERYTHING they say MUST be untrue. When your mother is talking to you about other people and claims that there's something wrong, then by all means be sceptical, keep it in mind that you can't just take her word for it, but do always just check. There are, unfortunately, bad apples in the world and you can't always tell by looking.
Yup...my aunt is the one that doesn't understand in the family. She has come around to accepting it to a point, but she can't deal with it.
She has not seen my mom since she was diagnosed and refuses too...she has a hard time believing the things I tell her and says that when she does talk to mom it seems like mom is with it. LOL.
I laugh because mom does not remember much anymore...nothing real anyhow...but on the phone and in the moment she may remember enough to come off like she knows what is being said...of course she forgets most of it within minutes.
Also...my brother lived closer to mom and said he was sure she had Alzheimer's...he only saw her once or twice a week, but watched as she deteriorated and managed to get her tested.
She came to stay with me and my husband and it took 4-6 months to truly see what was going on...because we had the expectations of what she was before, so often we chalk the behavior up as something less...if that makes sense.
You really have to live with them to see it clearer...and no matter how much we don't want this to be true...we don't have a choice but to see it because we are there 24/7.
The issue with family believing in the bad things mom is saying about you is simply that they may think you are not doing a good job...but any professional in the field will know better.
Also...if you change your language from mom is telling Lies to something like...mom is confused...or she now lives in Dementia land and her whole experience now is very different then ours.
Understanding that for them they are being very truthful.
My mom always tells people how she is happy here...but to me or my husband she is always trying to get us to get rid of her because she really does not like being around the kids etc.
It is difficult to go with the flow but honestly you have to almost have two minds when working with dementia...the dementia understanding and the regular understanding.
It only gets worse unfortunately...but yes try and get them to come into the forum and read or ask questions...also have them read articles and go to different sites and read.
My aunt who refuses to come by or help out thinks I can take care of mom to the end...or one of her kids could do it.
She has a granddaughter that volunteered to watch mom...I don't have the room for someone else in my home and in fact we don't have the room for my family as is.
Of course I suggested they all come down for a week or two and see for themselves...didn't happen...they just don't want to deal with the reality.
My point. Until they live with it for a while 24/7 and get that acceptance of the situation they will continue to expect mom to be the same as before...when she clearly is not.
Good luck with it...I hope your relatives are willing to learn.
My husband has alcohol dementia, or Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome, and has been confabulating regularly for a number of years. It used to make me crazy that his memories of an event were so different from what I knew actually occurred, because he honestly believes what his subconscious has made up to fill in the gaps in his memory -- and so he is not technically lying. In addition, he comes across as lucid, remains quite articulate, and thus is more than convincing to others when relating his version. The difficult part is for me to refrain from confronting him about his inaccuracies, but as time goes on I find that biting my tongue in those situations helps keep things peaceful between us. As to the relatives, there are times when I must quietly explain things to him out of his presence, and in those situations I can only hope for the best.
Confabulation is now my new word of the week! It describes what my mother does. For a long time, it was terribly frustrating because I was trying to figure out what reality was based on what she said. When I realized that it was impossible, I calmed down a bit. It's still very difficult for me to tolerate when I'm with her in person (my patience reaches its limit, so I give myself an 'arrival' and 'exit time' for my visits), but I understand what's behind it now, and that helps me deal with it better.
1. The person with dementia may not even realize they are "lying" (actually misinterpreting/confabulating/whatever), so they are utterly sincere.
2. It is emotionally difficult to accept that a loved one has dementia.
It takes a lot of thoughtfulness to sort this out in real life, as well as willingness to admit it if you have been fooled or erred one way or the other (e.g. believed a tale of abuse that did not happen, or failed to believe something that actually did!)
Because they are ignorant and secretly enjoy the drama. If they got to know all family members better, including the accused, they would offer more support and help and discount these lies vs. calling the accused and "asking if it's true". I've been called and asked about ludicrous things and then felt I had to defend myself. I no longer play into this, and simply reply "if you have to ask me such insulting questions, please don't call me any longer". As for my mom accusing me or brother of ridiculous stuff, I hand her the phone and tell her to dial the police and make a report...she quickly backs down and is fearful they will think she's demented and force her into care. That has severely curtailed the accusations and lying to other family members.
This is what I did. My sister took my Mother out for a few hours and after she had left my Mums told me that she was "trying to spend all my money!" I knew that was not the case but I confronted my sis about it just to see how she would react. I am the 24/7 caregiver and have had to hear from various family members the last 3 years when my Mother starts to confabulate. It usually starts when I am visiting friends or have a few hours to myself. She was calling family members telling them that I had been gone for "hours" ect.... Then I would have to hear about it from family members who were listening to her nonsense. After I "confronted" my sis on trying to spend all of our Mothers money she said "I was the one buying it for her - what a little witch." I was just trying to prove a point - our Mums is not the same person anymore and sis needs to come out of denial and blaming our Mothers old age on me!
Ignorance is bliss? do what i did........ i sent them (or bombard them) with dementia emails until they get it! It made absolutely no d*mn difference? Ignorance is ignorance and denial is just a word used to describe people who just dont want to know in case they may have to help!
i have an interesting spin on this . my mother and now my aunt were / are ill with dementia and both lied / lie like a rug on valium . ya know -- they always have . whatever makes the story juicy and the ears slam shut , there is no confusing them with " facts " . in hindsight i have to attribute this to poor education . both were rich in common sense but impoverished where critical thinking is concerned . love em both but theyre so full of crap their eyes are brown ..
My mother seemed ok, then one day she was describing a surgery she thought she'd had where they transplanted a nerve from her leg into her spine....My mom was very smart, a laboratory med tech at a teaching university when she worked. This was my first clue how bad it was. I had her describe this surgery to her doctor, neither of us confronted her. The MD told her she had not had a surgery. She would fill in gaps in her memory with stuff she thought sounded reasonable. Usually it did, to her.
Dad doesn't talk as much, so I don't know too much about his memory loss compensation. He forgets who he is, who i am, who his father was. He thinks the lever on his electric chair changes the tv channels. He pokes the buttons on his clock, to change the tv, and then changes the day by accident. ETC.
My sister lives away from us, she doesn't see how bad it is until she visits (denial), I don't see him as impaired as he probably is (I see him daily, and denial) my brother sees him once a week and is concerned about his impairment more than me (grief, denial, concern for me).
Me: "It's time to go to the bathroom and check to make sure you're pants are clean." My aunt, every time, no matter what, "Oh, they're not soiled. I just went to the bathroom." She does go to the bathroom, but somehow, her Depends are always soiled. My point, don't believe anything a person with dementia says. They don't know what's going on. As for family members that don't live with it, tell them you don't require any Arm Chair Quaterbacking! I meant to also mention that my aunt used to be really, uh, harsh. Now, she's just as nice as nice can be. It's hard to be all ga ga over a person that has spent most of your life bad mouthing your parents and siblings. I now have to over look all of that bad past attitude about my immediate family and have chosen to give her quality of life. I sure do have it easy so far, all I have to deal with is cleaning up poop twice a day. I remind myself, that takes just minutes.....see what others are dealing with, Noel......
I think oftentimes people will accept the lies as truth because it is easier than accepting the truth. The truth being Alziemers. Their LO has never been a liar so they must be telling the truth now. If not then they must believe that their LO has a horrible disease that will require constant care until they die. Scary for them. Try to remember (I know its hard) that its not about you. You are the one trying to right and doing it the best you can. God Bless
I brought my Mom to the doctor once for a simple physical. She was convinced that the doctor had hit her on the head. This never happened as I was there the whole time. She will tell neighbors, family members, friends about how this doctor slapped her on the side of her head. At first I would correct her- didn't matter because she was convinced in her head that it had happened. However when the idiot family members who are not in the trenches question me about why I let this doctor slap her I lose it. Why would they believe a demented 91 year old? Because they are filled with guilt about how they do not want to be around her anymore. As I have said before if you are not in the trenches you get no vote.
Mercy! Oh, my goodness! I cannot even fathom trying to defend myself against false elderly accusations as 'hadenough' has. I am here feeling for you, babe in the trenches! I am trying to install mechanisms in my brain such as has been mentioned often here, 'Damn that.....(not the person)....dementia!!!' exclaimed out of earshot. Go ahead and have a Rebel Yell walking away from the sitch. No one is going to hear you anyway. Another mechanism, no longer comment on hording, lies, crapping of the pants or the pete and repeating of memories. It's a total waste of the caregivers happiness. I have found that. I have learned to let tons go. I feel one hec of a lot better about the scene by being able to adapt by having the "it means nothing, it's not her" mechanism installed into my brain. I admit, it is still downloading. I have also learned not to tell my husband about my day with my aunt every time he comes home from work. It's not right for him to have to think about that after working his butt off all day. I no longer need to divulge it all to him. I now have THIS outlet! Thanks.
We have lives, too. I have two dogs that were here well before my aunt. They are getting on in their years, too. They are nearly as old as she is in dog years. So, you know they have their own set of, and costly, health issues. Compromise is key for the entire family.
My sister and I had a pact. She wouldn't believe what my mother said about me while she was living with me, and I wouldn't believe what my mother said about her when she was living at her house. So, when she told me my sister locked her in a closet at a party, that my sister and her boyfriend had sex in the spare bedroom, and that her husband ate butter with his fingers and sneezed into the refrigerator, I didn't believe her. When she told my sister that we had wild parties all night long and took all her pain medicine (when she wasn't even on pain medicine!) My dear sister believed her and told all our relatives. Family. Ain't it grand.
My mother, 94 years, is losing her short-term memory and she knows it. We are just starting to deal with this. Thank you all for your comments and life stories. They are helpful as we start to understand this painful process.
Things deteoriated over last 12 months now family no longer communicate. I was accused of abuse and stealing money. Something I never thought they would think I was capable of. It's very hurtful but they just don't want to know. I'm the one that has been there for my mother always, while they just visited once in a while yet I was the one she turned on and said horrible things about. I don't think I will ever understand why they all turned on me when I was doing everything that my mother wanted me to do.
She always complained about not having proper glasses or hearing aids yet I'd taken her to get them fixed all the time but she insisted they didn't work. But when my sister took her one time well they were the best ever! Worked a miracle she would say! I'd take her to the dr and she would say how horrible that dr is. Then if my sister took her oh its the best dr ever! Grrr makes me so angry.
My mom has dementia. whenever I am on the phone, she wants to know who it is. or when my sons are here and we are talking she needs to know what we are talking about. She even said that could we please change the subject to something she knows. Is paranoia normal for people with dementia? Its not that big of a deal, i was just wondering.
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APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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Tell them they need to spend more time with Mom so they can better understand what she is going through..
Sometimes it's obvious, like when I recently took her out to eat, and she told the waitress, that this is "the first good meal I've had in six months", and then proceeded to tell her how bad the food was at her ALF. However, we were at that same restaurant a week ago, and THAT was "the first good meal I've had in six months". It's a little embarrassing at times, because she seems so rational to others, but I know how mixed up she is about facts, dates, etc. So over the past several years I've gone from being hurt and hating her for the terribly mean things she was saying to me(see earlier posts), to accepting that this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her condition. It's a difficult adjustment, and I must say I have resorted to prayer quite a bit to take away my anger, and give me patience, and let me love her as she is. The rage, resentment, etc. was making me very sick and depressed. Didn't hurt her a bit---I was the one suffering. So like the name says "getnstrong". Maybe I should change to "getnstronger"!!
People say things containing information that is blatantly false,
tell of actions that inaccurately describe history, background and
present situations. They are coherent, internally consistent, and
appear relatively normal. This despite contradicting evidence.
Professionals recognize the person is Confabulating. This is distinct
from lying because there is typically no intent to deceive and the
person is unaware that the information is false. Life is fraught with
confabulation speak.
confabulations are a major annoyance — when friends, family, and the
medical community take everything our loved ones say at face value, no
matter how false we know their statements to be
http://www.alzcompend.info/?p=293
A quote from: Ethelle Lord, DM - "I found something worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It is not getting the workforce trained in time to care for persons living with Alzheimer's whether at home or in a care center." Ethelle Lord is President remembering4you.com based in Maine Or friends and neighbors who don't understand.
There is one further important point to make: that people with dementia are vulnerable to abuse, so it is not good enough just to assume that EVERYTHING they say MUST be untrue. When your mother is talking to you about other people and claims that there's something wrong, then by all means be sceptical, keep it in mind that you can't just take her word for it, but do always just check. There are, unfortunately, bad apples in the world and you can't always tell by looking.
She has not seen my mom since she was diagnosed and refuses too...she has a hard time believing the things I tell her and says that when she does talk to mom it seems like mom is with it. LOL.
I laugh because mom does not remember much anymore...nothing real anyhow...but on the phone and in the moment she may remember enough to come off like she knows what is being said...of course she forgets most of it within minutes.
Also...my brother lived closer to mom and said he was sure she had Alzheimer's...he only saw her once or twice a week, but watched as she deteriorated and managed to get her tested.
She came to stay with me and my husband and it took 4-6 months to truly see what was going on...because we had the expectations of what she was before, so often we chalk the behavior up as something less...if that makes sense.
You really have to live with them to see it clearer...and no matter how much we don't want this to be true...we don't have a choice but to see it because we are there 24/7.
The issue with family believing in the bad things mom is saying about you is simply that they may think you are not doing a good job...but any professional in the field will know better.
Also...if you change your language from mom is telling Lies to something like...mom is confused...or she now lives in Dementia land and her whole experience now is very different then ours.
Understanding that for them they are being very truthful.
My mom always tells people how she is happy here...but to me or my husband she is always trying to get us to get rid of her because she really does not like being around the kids etc.
It is difficult to go with the flow but honestly you have to almost have two minds when working with dementia...the dementia understanding and the regular understanding.
It only gets worse unfortunately...but yes try and get them to come into the forum and read or ask questions...also have them read articles and go to different sites and read.
My aunt who refuses to come by or help out thinks I can take care of mom to the end...or one of her kids could do it.
She has a granddaughter that volunteered to watch mom...I don't have the room for someone else in my home and in fact we don't have the room for my family as is.
Of course I suggested they all come down for a week or two and see for themselves...didn't happen...they just don't want to deal with the reality.
My point. Until they live with it for a while 24/7 and get that acceptance of the situation they will continue to expect mom to be the same as before...when she clearly is not.
Good luck with it...I hope your relatives are willing to learn.
1. The person with dementia may not even realize they are "lying" (actually misinterpreting/confabulating/whatever), so they are utterly sincere.
2. It is emotionally difficult to accept that a loved one has dementia.
It takes a lot of thoughtfulness to sort this out in real life, as well as willingness to admit it if you have been fooled or erred one way or the other (e.g. believed a tale of abuse that did not happen, or failed to believe something that actually did!)
in hindsight i have to attribute this to poor education . both were rich in common sense but impoverished where critical thinking is concerned .
love em both but theyre so full of crap their eyes are brown ..
Dad doesn't talk as much, so I don't know too much about his memory loss compensation. He forgets who he is, who i am, who his father was. He thinks the lever on his electric chair changes the tv channels. He pokes the buttons on his clock, to change the tv, and then changes the day by accident. ETC.
My sister lives away from us, she doesn't see how bad it is until she visits (denial), I don't see him as impaired as he probably is (I see him daily, and denial) my brother sees him once a week and is concerned about his impairment more than me (grief, denial, concern for me).