I'm hoping someone could be of assistance.
My mother is 83 years old and lives at home by herself, she has memory loss due to having mini strokes.
She lives 5 mins from me and has carers twice a day for 15 mins but doesn't get on with them and is quite horrible to them, she won't let them make her food or anything.
I have just been made redundant and go to my mums twice a day to make sure she eats and give her her meds.
Theres me, my older brother who holds power of autorney for her wellbeing and finance, and 2 other sisters. The brother and 1 sister live in the same town and the other sister lives 80 miles away.
My problem is the sister who lives far away, she has been a home carer for 21 years and reminds me of this daily, she says that I'm not looking after my mother properly as I'm not with her often enough, I should be with her most of the day as I'm not working.
My mother has also became very incontinent, her bed and sofa are wet most days, she changes trousers but not pants or she puts clean trousers on top of wet ones and when we try to change her she gets aggressive and swears at us. According to my sister I should change her however stressed my mum gets and do whatever it takes to make sure she washes and changes daily, I feel like forcing her to do something she doesn't want to is abusive but my sister says its not as she's my mother. She tells me I should take her out daily if not more, I should buy her different pads for her incontinence and just basically tells me daily what I should do with my mum. My sister that lives locally only goes to my mum when she feels like it or I ask her to, and my brother does her shopping once a week, as he holds her finances and that's it.
I feel like everything is on my shoulders and my sister is constantly on my back with what I should do cause she has done the job for years.
I feel like I'm the only one taking responsibility, even though I don't hold power of attorney.
Can anyone advise on how I make the situation better???
Who has POA? That’s the person who needs to be talked to about a facility for Mom.
My far away sister says shell visit once a fortnight at the weekend but gets changed often and visits every 4 to 6 weeks. My mum refuses to go to day centres and things as shes always kept herself to herself.
She says often im not looking after her properly so shes going to take her to live with her, but her son has said he couldnt live with my mum full time so she changes her mind.
My sister says she will travel every fortnight for 2 days to help out but it ends up being put back and at the minute visits for 2 days around once a month.
I dont want to be her carer as i feel unconfortable in doing so, shes my mum at the end of the day, i dont mind helping out with washing, meds, etc.
But for my own needs i need to return to work as soon as possible, i only got made redundant 2 weeks ago and still done everything for my mum even when i did work cos she wont take food, meds anything from her carers.
There have to be facilities where Mom could go where you live. Your government must has some sort of Care Plan for Seniors who cannot afford self-pay. Send your sibs a registered letter and tell them you’ve had enough. You need to go back to work to support yourself. You are resigning this volunteer caregiving job. You are open to meeting with them in a calm way to find a solution agreeable to all of you and that solution does not involve you being the only present 24/7 caregiver. Period. As I said, no one will stand up for you if you won’t stand up for yourself.
I am thinking of getting some legal advice from a solicitor with regards to where i stand if it all gets a bit out of hand with her, and with regards to my brother not taking the lead but sitting with poa, as i do feel none of this should be left to me regardless of the fact i am unemployed at the moment.
If anything, to find a way for her to leave me alone and let me do what i do with my mum without her giving me orders all the time would make me less stressed and maybe enjoy the time i have with my mum.
Thanks again.