Any advice for family financial issues?
About 4 months ago my mother was diagnosed with Dementia and we were told she could no longer live by herself. We had a family meeting to discuss what should be done. My mother doesn't want to leave her home nor does she have the finances for in home care. No one came up with a solution. I spoke with my Mother and my siblings, which there are five others about me quitting my job and moving in to be with her. I also discussed I had 1 bill that had to be paid every month no if's and's or but's about it. No one could offer monetary help so my mother said she would pay it. They are paying me $100 a week, plus the monthly bill. It is constantly thrown in my face by my sister (PO) that I get this money and I am going to have to come up with another way to pay it. Needless to say I think she is just worried about how she is going to be paid for being Mother's Po after all is said and done...It has been constant drama from her. This is just the most recent event since I've been here and I am at my wits end...Any advice?
10 Answers
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How does your sister expect that you are going to be able to go back to paying that bill yourself? Take a part time job? Who watches Mom then? Save out of that weekly allowance? You had an agreement before you started. If Sister is already trying to renege on that agreement, what does the future hold? It is hard enough doing this kind of job with the full back and support of the five siblings. It is miserable with back-stabbing drama.
What happens when you need expensive dental work not covered by your insurance? How will you pay for that?
What happens in your own old age, when you have not been earning social security credit for this period of your life?
What arrangements have been made for respite care? How are you going to get away for a week vacation a couple times a year? How about some time to yourself each week? Does your family think that $100 a week means you are on the job 24/7/365?
Is your social life on hold for the next year or two or twelve?
My advice is to call social services and ask for a needs assessment on Mom. See what services she might be eligible for. Take advantage of everything available.
Check on Mom's eligibility for Medicaid. Apply for it for her. That won't provide 24 hour in-home care (because a care center then becomes more cost-effective), but it might provide enough so that you could have a job.
If you are to continue living with her and caring for her, put the agreement in writing. Spell out what you do and what you are to be paid. It is important that this be in writing so that 1) POA Sister can't keep threatening to change the terms and 2) if Mom applies for Medicaid the payment she is making on your bill will not be considered a gift.
POA's commonly are not aware of laws that effect continuing care for your mom. They also want to take the cheap way out and not spend mom's money. There are times when it needs to be done particularly when it comes to necessary care.
With a contract in place Medicaid allows payment up to the amount a home care agency would charge. If your mother has sufficient funds to do this, do not sell yourself short.
What happens if mom has to go into a facility and her house sold to pay for it? Where will you live? Medicaid also allows for transfer of house to you if you have provided medically necessary care to her in her home for two years prior to the need for a nursing home.
You need to check with an attorney to protect yourself. If sis is already balking after just a few months of this it is only going to get worse, count on it. There are many similar stories on here just like this.
If you can't afford an elder law attorney, contact your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a referral to an elder care attorney. This should be free.
Are bills coming to the house or is your sister receiving them? Find out exactly what the financial situation is with your Mom so you can begin making decisions about money as well. Find out anything that your mother qualifies for - food stamps, meals on wheels, medicaid, extra help programs to pay for insurance premiums and medicare Part D premiums, help with utilities, transportation. If you are not working outside the home, you may even be eligbile for some of those programs (food stamps). Don't need sis to sign Mom up for these things. Mom can sign up for them with your help.
Is POA sister older or younger than you? Just curious. Are you alone in this situation? Are the other siblings on her side or just avoiding the situation? Are there any aunts, uncles, grandparents, husband that can support you emotionally?
You have more power than you may think. And if sister keeps complaining about money you receive, you might need to remind her how much a nursing home, assisted living, or home companion migh cost and that you are a bargain. But don't you get dependent on sis if she's going to be this bossy.
I assume you are single so you are giving up your future and setting yourself up for an old age in extreme poverty. Is that what your mother wants for you. That is not what a loving mother does to her child
Let sister know you will not be caregiver for Mom while you work outside home and as Mom's POA she'll have to find a caregiver for Mom... Make sure you let your other siblings what's going on!
Since you've been very candid about the $100 monthly allowance but given not even an approximation of the bill, or what it's for, and since your five siblings all chipping in together weren't willing/able to help, I'm guessing it's big enough to be a problem. Are we talking about a mortgage? Credit card debt? What?
Look. There are six of you altogether. It is far from clear why it was decided that your job and income were expendable when nobody else's were. Of course I don't know, but the usual scenario is that the least profitable job is the one that gets given up.
Your sister has to make your mother's money stretch to cover her needs. If the reality is that your mother can't afford to stay in her house, pay you even that pitiful allowance, keep you and cover this outstanding bill, then your POA sister HAS to do something about it. Her solution, it sounds like, is to sell your mother's house, either downsize or move your mother into an ALF, and then spend down the capital until Medicaid kicks in. In any case, she clearly thinks that the 'cheap' option of having you in your mother's house as full-time caregiver is not cheap enough - and on the figures you've given us that just doesn't make sense.
Now, I don't know why, but clearly your sister doesn't give a flying proverbial about what happens to you. That's pretty harsh by any standards (I've got a sister like that, I do sympathise). But I'm getting a bat-squeak sense that somewhere in all this there is a major financial problem that YOU need to address. If I'm right - if I'm wrong, I'll happily do any grovelling apologies you like - but if I'm right, you're not going to get rid of it by fighting your sister or assuming that she's only being like this because she wants to pinch your mother's money for herself.
I'm really, really sorry if I've got this wrong. But if I haven't, then whatever kind of hot water you're in there is help, there will be answers.