Is there any way to prevent a "family friend" from taking Dad for everything he's got? Since Mom died, he's been spending a lot of time with a former employee of the family business. Unbeknownst to the family, she's been driving him to Dr appts, going into the exam room, presenting herself as his "caregiver", and then telling his doctors that he has dementia. We also found out that she's been accepting unknown amounts of cash in exchange for cleaning his house etc.
This came to light when she took him to the ER for a suspected "stroke" (but managed to stop at the bank on the way so he could make a suspiciously large cash withdrawal.) While in the hospital, he did in fact obtain a formal diagnosis of early stage Alzheimer's, but to our knowledge this diagnosis did not previously exist. Even though we have been noticing symptoms (sleepiness, confusion, easily forgetful) off and on for a while, we believed this was mostly due to the stress of caring for and eventually losing Mom to a prolonged terminal illness.
We believe this "friend" has been using these symptoms in order to gain/maintain control over him. She has been taking it on herself to make medical decisions for him without the family's knowledge, withholding information because "he didn't want anyone to worry", and positioning herself as the person we must go through to access him. In the ER triage, she was talking over both Dad and daughter to answer the nurse's questions herself. Apparently before the family arrived, she told the ER staff that he has Alzheimer's but don't mention it to the family because it upsets us?!
He is in his early 70s and is medically stable, still able to drive and live alone. The dr says that with medication to slow the mental decline, he should be independent for many more years. This is great news, but we are concerned that his ability to retain his independence means he will have many years in which to be scammed before his children have a valid reason to step in.
Obviously he can spend his time and money as he wishes, but we understandably don't want his retirement savings drained by an opportunistic parasite. He has a history of giving large sums of cash to family members, which is fine, but this is unacceptable. There's no reason why this "friend" should be doing these things for him (and getting paid handsomely.) His children and adult grandchildren all live in the same town and we would do these things for him if he asked us.
At this point is there anything we can do? If he would give one of us power of attorney, can they even do that, even though he's still medically able to be independent? We accept that it will be impossible to keep her away from him when he is a willing participant in this "friendship", but we'd like a way to stem the bleeding to a slow trickle at least.
This is such a stressful event and my heart goes out to you struggle through. I would definitely recommend becoming his medical and durable power of attorney as quickly as possible.
Best of Luck!
You mention that the family is nearby nearby and willing to help - if only he would ask. Asking is humbling. It means accepting that you can’t do it alone anymore.
May i I suggest a proactive approach of asking Dad what is on his schedule for the week or even tomorrow? Is he able to keep a calendar with his appts? Jot down appts or take a quick picture the next time you are there. All of this so you and your family will know about upcoming appts and can volunteer to drive him. If he doesn’t volunteer the info - simply say that he mentioned it the last time you talked. Move the conversation forward by saying what would be a good time to pick him up. You are empowering him with decisions but gently guiding him to allow you to do him this favor. Tell him you owe him a few million for raising you.
If you can find a closed site that allows you to post his calendar, then family can discuss amongst themselves who can take him the next time. And, getting the follow up scheduled so the info goes back on the calendar.
There are other things like like grocery shopping and clothes shopping that maybe he needs a little help with. Having those tasks shared by family can help. Posting times when someone simply is visiting or taking him out to dinner helps and ensures the whole family can see constant family engagement with him.
However, someone always becomes the keeper of the calendar. And, the negotiator for others in the family to help. And, getting those helpers to get info from Dad about upcoming appts and needs. Sometimes all tasks can be shared. Sometimes it’s better if this person always is with him at his primary care appts and maybe another is always the one at the neurologist, etc. Maybe it’s easier for someone to be the grocery shopping assistant because then they know what he likes, how he is stocked up, recommending easy snacks or meals etc.
Other than the family being very proactive and then being there for the long haul, call his dr offices and ask if they can put your number down as the contact number and your email as the contact email. That helps tremendously.
I have advanced directive documents naming me to take care of my husband’s medical decisions. Most of the doctors realize that while he has some good days that I need to be making those decisions now and I am the one who needs to be called and notified of any communication. While a little back and forth earlier in my husband’s decline, now if they call and he answers, he simply says “you need to talk to my wife, she keeps the calendar and can tell you when we can come.”
And, there is lots of good financial and legal advice already posted. Those are hard steps as he is at a tenuous point in accepting the oncoming decline. He may be gracious and think it’s a great idea to protect his money from himself or anyone - family or others.
I wish you good luck in these next chapters with your Dad. The whole family may find that some of these trips are good times to talk and share and remember. They will become precious memories.
It allows you to include members who could see upcoming tasks, notifications of current status or test results, etc, etc.
I am not an expert on this tool and in particular the security around only team members being able to see the contents.
I believe there are other apps like it.
Maybe this app or another similar would allow the family to share info needed and allow family to volunteer for upcoming tasks.
Or, could update with their latest contact with Dad and any pertinent info for the family.
In other words - a tracker of who’s called, who’s seen Dad, who’s helped with errands that week, who all has taken him to his dr appts that week. Using the tool to see what’s upcoming and who’s volunteering to cover that one.
God bless, I hope it helps.
Obtain POA for health and finance as advised earlier. That shouldn’t be difficult if he’s vulnerable to being scammed.
Request a mental health check and or his medical records to confirm whether it’s been officially determined re any “Alzheimer’s”.
Then confront her - and ensure she knows the next time she meddles there will be an investigation especially regarding her involvement in his medical care when she is not family. If proven she’s lied re Alzheimers to medical personnel that could have had serious implications re medication,
If she’s been proven to have lied about Alzheimers I would then point out there’s the large sums of money handed over by a vulnerable former boss to his devious former employee....
Good luck
Then, get a restraining order on the friend.
When the term POA is used in this forum, it often seems to refer to a "durable POA" which takes effect only when someone is declared incompetant. There is another kind of POA which gives an agent immediate responsibility for someone's finances. Your father would have to be willing to set this up. It's not something you can force on him.
He might consider a POA a good idea or he might think family is over-stepping. Does he welcome or resist family involvement?
Your father may indeed be being manipulated by his "friend," or the family may be upset that father's inheritable resources are being diminished.
Financial opportunists are not uncommon in these situations. I can understand your suspicions. Just try to be sure you are assessing the situation objectively.
A Durable General Power of Attorney is one that lasts for the lifetime of the person executing the document, and ceases to be valid at the person's death.
Be assertive. Have a couple of family members stay with Dad for a week or so. When she arrives, tell her, he is not seeing anyone today. Consult a lawyer and figure out the competency status.
I agree with the idea of having APS get involved. If she is up to no good, she just might scurry away.
I'm talking about random, not-urgent jobs like cleaning his pool table, organizing the shed, painting some room he takes a wild hair to paint. Stuff that is not the obvious, "we gotta do this for dad" type of task that he randomly decides to do. Like the stuff you might decide to do on a Saturday morning when you don't have a lot going on but don't feel like watching TV.
Have a Chat with Dad, Explain that when the Money is Gone, The Honey is LONG GONE too.xx
You say that he is very generous and has given sums to family members, and "that is fine". Guess what. It is fine if he gives it to people who are NOT family members, as well, especially if those persons are cleaning for him, visiting him, taking him to appointment, and taking him to ER when he needs to go.
Perhaps if family who is receiving all this money is willing to spend increasing amounts of time with Dad he will not end up as prey for predators. And mind you, I am not saying this "friend" is in any way a predator, because she is a friend he has known from work, and seems to me is doing a lot for him.
Speak with Dad about all this, why don't you? Seems to me that would be a good place to start. Good luck. Hope all goes well.
When you said it was a former employee, it made me wonder if they were having an affair prior? I'm an employer and I found it very odd... not that it changes anything except her sense of entitlement in the pecking order now that your mom is gone. Sorry, very harsh but have to float it out there.
What state are you in? Do you or relatives live near your dad? This info would be helpful. He doesn't seem like a candidate for guardianship base on what you've disclosed. Even if you were somehow able to get durable PoA assigned to you/family member the "friend" could still find a way to get back control if she isn't out of the picture completely. Of course this won't make you popular with your dad. Maybe pay for an extensive background check on her and if the results show a sketchy past, you will have some ammo to present to your dad (but don't get your hopes up as she whispers sweet nothings into his ear, among other things she may be doing to "make him happy").
If his recent "diagnosis" is accurate, it will be too late (I think) for him to assign PoA. You could get him to an elder law attorney and they will be able to determine if he is capable of authorizing PoA. When I took my 90+ yo aunt to one in FL no one was allowed to be in the room with her and the attorney and their explanation was to assess for manipulation. Ugh this situation sucks and I hope your family can work it out in your dad's best interest!