How do I get other family members to stop expecting Mom (70) with back problems to get holiday meals, be a hotel and baby sit for them?
Mom has deterioration of spine and neck. Lots of pain, she's usually sleep deprived due to the pain. Has a heart of gold. Used to get the large family dinners, let guest stay for several days/nights in her home. Lots and lots of extra cleaning, cooking, stress. It's just too much on her now, but if they invite themselves she won't say no.
My only sibling died 2 years ago. Her child, (31 going on 12), is rotten to the core sadly, (a real user, welfare, different Fathers, won't work, drug user), and uses her kids to get at Mom's heart. This Sept she invited herself down for a 4 day stay for her own birthday, big list of wants, food, presents, cake for her self, different cake for son also with a Sept birthday, tickets to event out, baby sit the one and six year old while at event and out partying etc. List got bigger and bigger, Mom, bless her heart did her best. Until she had a TIA and wound up in hospital during their stay.
Stepdad moved the moochers, (her, her boyfriend of the year), both kids to a hotel room so Mom could come home to quiet. They called her up and guilted her, "the kids really want to come back to your house", (WE want to come back to your house and raid your cabinets, get high and sleep while you babysit and clean up after us a more likely story). Ugghh, Mom let them come back.
For Thanksgiving I tried to get everyone on page with catering, no cooking. Stepdad whined he wouldn't get leftovers to eat for his 4 days off work that way. She complied. I insisted on bringing the bird, potatoes, gravy, but she still worked her butt off and did many side, ham, days of cleaning for his family members who invited themselves.
She was doing so well this last month. Had her pain meds knocked down, attending physician at the hospital had got rid of a lot of unnecessary prescriptions for her during her stay due to the TIA, thankfully. She had energy, was happy, interested in life, walking everyday, thinking so clearly, it was like having my old Mom back. Then, bam, ...ran her wheels off out of feeling obligation to give the unthinking ones a super duper holiday, back in major pain, not sleeping, increased her meds again, now she's out of it, confused, ...Ugghh.
How do I keep these idiots off her back, (including her husband who is 10 years younger than her, but old enough to know better)? I'm not real sure my niece isn't hitting her up for rent every month, kid calls her several times a day when her little disability check is about to come, doesn't work, but somehow manages to keep a house paid for, ...has burt too many bridges with other relatives for them to be paying it, ...Stepfather says it's none of his business what she does with her check, kind of true, but I know the little schemer is causing her stress, and asking for more than she has to give. Ideas? Thanks
I'm 57 and refuse to be stressed out by lazy guests. I made it clear that everyone stays in hotel if they wish to visit. I let them know meals and tell them they are on their own for breakfast and everyone is keeping in, so don't come back over until 11am. Period. We are all in better spirits, I kick them out at 8pm and we all get some quiet time and chance to get house in order before starting all over again the next day. Keeps the family togetherness more pleasant.
Wow, Countrymouse, you have been around the block. And you are dead on. I would never want such a nobel lady to feel the slightest bit useless, and I think that she does fear this. Who of us would not.
Sunnygirl1, same questions I asked myself this a.m. Especially due to a new circumstance. One of my Fave Uncles had catastrophic stroke last night, about 7 hours away. Stepfather phoned me 1st thing this a.m. and offered me all the $ I would need to take my Mamma there, to be with her Sis. Guy is Union, 30+ years, can get what ever time he needs off. I am still young, have obligations, ...why would he sit home while I take time off and take Mamma there, ...what do I do with my sweet puppy, eight months old and outgrowing her kennel, ...disappointed with him. He has many decent attributes, they have been together since I was 13, but feeling a lot like he thinks he now has a plan "A", when I have a whole set of my own things to deal with, and, to be honest, he does not. Will never let my Mamma feel like an "imposition" to anyone, as she deserves much more respect than that. She will get anything she needs, ...but if he thinks I can be bought, he's gonna find out I can be an expensive little kid. ;-) Heehee, checking into a Lincoln SUV for trip, could snow up there, will need a dog sitter, best hotels, ...(?) ;-) Geez.
Thank you kids for your support. Can't help but know, my Sissy would also be thankful to your for your help to me, too. :-)
No one can change her except herself. Her husband and niece must be heartless. I have a neighbor who is worse than I am about being a people pleaser. We both laugh and say when we die we are coming back as a diva b*tch and have higher demands! ;)
Or does she think it is her *job* to do all that work?
It's like we have heard before, the Mom will be on her death bed and sure enough someone will peek in the door and say "when's dinner?" :P
Sunnygirl 1, thanks, I felt pretty alone in all this. Lots of changes to family and "dynamics". I always lived 4 hours from main groups of relatives, including my Mom. My Sis lived right near Mom, dealt with all these things. When my Sis got sick we'd been thinking of moving out of city and slowing down anyhow, so we moved near her and Mom. Wanted to be around to help Sis with her recovery and get reacquainted, instead she died 6 weeks after we settled here. Lost my other major sounding board, my Grandma, a year after that. I'm not used to being in a caregiving role, I had a business I put in tons of hours at, and never had kids, Sis had things Mom needed figured out, I was always kind of independent, tomboyish, more of a business person. Suddenly I find myself the "go to", ...without sounding my best 2 boards. You nailed my niece, she was spoiled and given everything, especially by my Mom and Stepdad, (they are well healed, and that's their only Grandchild). So hard to watch her take advantage, and then use the her kids as tools for emotional blackmail. How she turned out like that is beyond me, my Sis was a straight forward good caring person. But she did go to live with her Dad and his string of girlfriend in her late teens, think she "learned" a lot of bad things there.
Palmtrees1, wow, yes, she was raised that way. Her parents were very active in their small community, always there to help friends, neighbors, relatives with anything, no matter what. Ha-love your reincarnation plans. May I come too?
Freqflyer, I've wondered the same thing, wish that I knew the difference. If it is worth it to her, then it is up to her, short of it doing major harm, then I think I am supposed to step in? I think she does feel it is her job too though, "pay it back" as the previous generations did. Also she's retired and Stepfather still works, I think she feels guilty about that, and like she "owes" him special considerations. With my niece, (her Grand Daughter), I think she feels like she needs to fill in for my Sis, even though niece was never considerate of Sis. Really, I don't think she ever cared about her much, I think she was more a "tool" for her to use to get at the big bucks, (my folks). She was pretty rude to Sis, didn't bother with Mother's Day calls, or cards, or her Birthday, called her Dad's various girlfriends "Mom", mostly contacted her with problems, rent way over due, need a new car, etc.
Pamstegman, Ha-I had same thought about pitching in on the cooking, cleaning. On one hand she's my Mom and I haven't really been there for her much, so I am happy to help. On the other hand, kind of permitting "farce" to continue, when it needs to be addressed instead.
After absorbing all you guys shared I had a talk with my Stepdad this morning. Told him the overdoing it for the holiday was the cause behind the increased pain, increased pain med. He tried to deny, said she just hadn't been taking enough and timing was coincidental. I told him he was flat wrong, and that I wasn't going to be watching a repeat of this for upcoming holiday. Got him to understand that she can't be taking big doses of that stuff and have a good life, he agreed she'd been much better for a month, but tried to say it was due to stopping the other meds. I didn't ease up though, because he too, needs to be more realistic. Time for him to let go of some of his expectations. Ugghh, thanks you guys. Wish me luck.
My mom refuses to do anything but tolerate it. It's drives me crazy. I've explained that mom and dad are not able to do everything they requests, but they don't care. It means nothing to them. I'm still debating as to what to do. I have no legal authority yet....but when I do, I'll speak with them outside of her presence and instruct them to stop. My dad agrees, but will not go against my mom. To get more attention, I may take a few other siblings with me to stress the seriousness.
This problem results from children who are raised with overindulgence and no rules or responsibility. My mom contributed to this and even though it's led to these people being miserable jerks, she wants to treat the little kids the same way. So we'll have even more insensitive, self entitled jerks in the family. So sad.
If you find a solution, please post it here. Do you have POA?
Taking her to task is one thing, though. That's comparatively simple. The much harder part of this is nudging your mother gently towards resting on her laurels. People (usually maternally minded women) who have always derived enormous satisfaction and fulfilment from pleasing other people dread what they call "being useless" above all other fates. You and I might feel they are now entitled to rest in their rocking chairs and do nothing but knit and smile benignly on their grandchildren, but exasperatingly they won't stop leaping up to fix somebody a sandwich. You'll have to look on it as a spectrum, I suppose, and just cheer every time you can get her to give up one Herculean labour - ideally providing an enjoyable pastime of some kind to make up for it.
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